The people around me say that love is “something to look forward to”, and that love is something that will “make me happier than I could dream of being”. Why is it then when my turn for this wonderful thing comes that it ends it only pain? Why can’t I have the happiness that they were all talking about? Am I somehow undeserving of it? Am I lacking in some particular area? Can you please tell me what I did that was so wrong to deserve what happened to me?

        In the summer of my eighteenth year, it came to me, although not suddenly. It was like the feelings I had within me for that person finally just erupted. The person in question is someone who has always been important to me. Their existence has, over the years, developed into something which I now believe I cannot live without. Every day with simply only a smile and a casual calling of my name, I feel as though there isn’t anything that could go wrong. To put it simply, it’s as though that person is my undying battery. Whenever I need it, they seem to be always able to recharge me and make me feel as though I am wanted. This friend is someone who deserves the happiness in life, which thanks to a certain event; I am now unable to guarantee that I am the one who is able to give it to them. Thanks to this, while they energise and revitalise me with their presence, they also hurt and wound my heart whenever they are near. Whenever they are around, I am unable to fully appreciate just how valuable they are to me. It makes me feel as though I am wronging them whenever I feel happiness because of them. It is a painful situation that leaves me perplexed.
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        I woke today with a heavy heart, as I do every other morning and gaze up at my ceiling in dejection. ‘Must I do this again for another day’, I think to myself wondering if I will be able to continue living as I have been. It is hard to do this all the time. Ever since I discovered the meaning behind the feelings I’ve felt, it’s been difficult for me. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m actually in love with him. Yes, a him, another boy, another man, and because of this realisation, my life has gradually been fading away and has left me feeling as though rather than living, I am watching a TV drama of a person’s life with whom I have no connection. It feels as if I am watching my own life as a stranger would.
        After a while, my mother’s voice could be heard. She was yelling at me to hurry up and get myself down here for breakfast. I feel sorry towards my mother and father, as well as the fact that I’m terrified of them as well. I’m terrified of how they will react once they find out. I haven’t, as of yet told them anything about this and as time goes on, I’m finding it harder and harder to tell them. Even though, to be honest, I want to tell them, I just don’t have the courage to be able to confidently tell them.
        As I made my way out of my room and into the hallway, her voice began to ring out again. “Will you hurry up?! If you don’t get out here soon, Luhan won’t bother to stay and will just leave you behind.”
        Luhan. At the mere mention of that name my body began to set itself into motion. I started to walk faster and I hastened my pace and headed for the kitchen where my mother was waiting, tapping her foot on the floor impatiently.
        “You shouldn’t, make people wait for you for so long, Sehun otherwise they might just get sick of waiting”, she said both sternly and jokingly.
        “It alright ahjumma, I would have waited anyway”, Luhan told her with genuine sincerity that made it all the more difficult to be around him.
        “See Mum, you don’t even need to bother to make you nagging any more threatening than it already is because he would wait for me anyway”, I said back at her with my mouth slightly ajar with my tongue hanging out.
        “Whatever, just hurry up and eat and get out otherwise not only will you be late, but you’ll make Luhan late as well”
        As she said this, I grabbed the toast which had just risen out of the toaster and told her goodbye and walked out the door after Luhan. As we made our way towards the bus stop where our required bus stops, I could constantly feel our shoulders brushing together due to the closeness between us as we walked. This has always been something which I feel I should change. When we walk together, I should move myself slightly away from him and not walk so close, but alas, old habits die hard. I just can’t seem to stop myself. Although I know that I alone am the one who is enjoying it as much as I am, I can’t bring myself to even separate such a small distance from him. This is how bad it is. I can’t even walk anywhere with him without feeling a sense of longing.
        “Sehun, Sehun, are you listening?” His melodious voice penetrated my subconscious and brought me out of my stupor.
        “Huh, of course I’m listening. You just haven’t been talking loud enough”, I replied trying to cover up the fact that I had just been thinking too deeply about him to listen to him.
        “Well it’s nice to know that even when you aren’t even paying attention to a person, you can still listen to them even when they are talking soft enough for the people around that person who are also waiting at the bus stop to give him strange looks for yelling at his friend who just happens to be ‘listening’ to him”, Luhan’s voice was dripping with sarcasm and topped with just a hint of irritation.
        “Well, it’s nice to know that that person is able to notice such things about his friend, and is even then able to - despite the fact that people are eying him funny - be concerned over his friend's state of hearing. It makes me feel so happy that you are able to do this for me Luhan. You don’t know how much it means to me”, I returned with as much sarcasm as he threw at me.
        With perfect timing, the bus arrived at precisely this moment, which then caused us to completely end our ‘fight’, and amicably enter the bus. Although, I don’t think it can be called a fight as this sort of thing is normal for us. Within a couple of minutes we’ll be talking to each other happily again.
        Similar to when we walk together, bus rides are also hard. Due to the fact that the buses are busy and there is a mass of people aboard each one, the two of us are then required to stand and like the good friend and person he is, Luhan gives me a hand when I need it. Although, this has escalated ever since the time some creepy middle-aged man felt me up on one morning. Now when we are on the bus, I stand near the door (as we’re the first stop to get off as it goes to our school first) and then Luhan stands in front of me and boxes me in between him and the door. Once again this is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. It’s a blessing to have him care so much about me and also for him to be in such close proximity as well; but it’s also a curse as I know he is only doing it out of desire to protect me, as a friend and nothing near as to what I am hoping secretly inside.
        It hurts to know that no matter how much you may love a person, they don’t or won’t love you in return. It hurts to love a person one-sidedly. All you can do is hope that the day when either your feelings will be realised by the other person, or that you will somehow achieve the confidence and courage to confess what you’ve been unable to say. And for, I’m saddened to say that I believe it is only option one for me because I don’t know whether I’ll ever be able to confidently confess what I want to tell him.
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        The school day ended in its usual way without event. Luhan and I entered our classroom, met our friends, and then began the arduous task of listening to a day of lessons, lectures and litanies. I spent the day in my usual seat next to Luhan and experienced the feelings that have now become as much a part of my daily school routine as lessons and teachers are. I sit next to him and fight the urge to sneak a glance out the corner of my eye at him, a desire which I find hard to restrain. After spending class in this manner, our lunch break finally comes to give me some respite. This respite is then tossed aside as Luhan sits next to me in our usual seat in the cafeteria, and as our friends join the two of us, my out-side-of-the-eye glance sneaking urges make themselves known again. And once again, I succumb easily to my desires. After our final two lessons, the school day ended and culminates to where the two of us are currently: sitting down next to each other on a seat in the bus. What I’ve begun to realise is that even though there is less chance for direct contact, sitting next to one another on a bus is just as hard as anything else that involves Luhan.
        Every time he moved even the slightest, his leg brushed against mine and the sensation caused my mind to empty for a second. I’ve begun to realise that any form of skin contact between the two of us is lethal and extremely dangerous for my state of mind. With every tiny bit of contact he sends my mind closer and closer to madness.
        After around half an hour the bus reached our stop and we departed the bus and began to make our way towards our homes, which, conveniently were in the same direction and on the same street. Luhan turned to me and asked “would you meet me out in the park later?” as we arrived at his house. I answered him that I would and would see him there at around ten o’clock.
        About a three minute walk from our street there is a small communal park which is located nicely out of the way of anything and is the perfect environment for quiet chats as well as quiet quality time with yourself (which is the reason for my frequent use of the area). After I entered my house, I could sense that something was wrong. I don’t what gave it away, the fact that both my parents were both sitting stern faced on the lounge in the family room, or the fact the my ‘book of personal and private thoughts’ was sitting in front of them on the table? Sadly, the both of these would be my answer to this as my book contains my personal and private thoughts about every little thing that goes on in my head. I use this because if I don’t get it out of my head somehow, then my head just becomes a jumbled mess of desperate and confused thoughts. And surprise, surprise, the biggest cause of my messed up and confused mind just so happens to feature quite heavily within it.
        As I walked towards them, I smiled and greeted them warmly, to which my father gave a cold reply of “You need to sit down and explain this”. ‘Sigh’, I guess this is the end. Goodbye my confused yet wonderful life, and most important, goodbye Luhan, and now moving back into reality.
        “Care to explain this”, my father said as he held open my book and pointed to the page where I first confess to myself the feelings I hold. “Why does it say here that you have ‘discovered the truth behind the strange feelings you’ve been experiencing in relation to your best friend, Luhan’? Are you seriously gay?”
        It appears the day I have feared has now come. My parents or at least my father seems to be unable to accept the fact that I’m gay.
        “Yes Dad, I am, although I’m sorry, it’s not going to change the facts. I’m in love with him”, is what I would very much like to say, but I am simply unable to say this so I just keep quiet.
        “Why aren’t you answering me!?”, He yelled as he stood up from where he was sitting and swiftly made his way over to where I was standing. “Why couldn't you have told me!? Why didn’t you tell me!?”
        I couldn’t take it anymore. “Because I knew you would react in this manner. I knew you wouldn’t be able to accept the fact I was gay so I didn’t bother wasting my time and breath trying to explain it to you!” I yelled back at my father in anger. Why did he have to react this way just because I’m gay? Isn’t that a little bit much? If he’s going to react like this, how can he expect me to open up and tell him about it myself?
        “Do you really love him, I mean he’s your best friend, who doesn’t see you as any more than that and, who also to my knowledge isn’t even gay?” my mother asked. In her voice there was some concern, to hear which I was somewhat uplifted. It was nice to know that at least she wasn’t completely closed off to the idea.
        “Yes, Mum, I do. Despite the fact that I know I shouldn’t love him, I do. I can’t help it. Considering the fact that the only reason I realised that I was gay was because of the way he just is, there really wasn’t and still isn’t anything that I can do about it” I answered her, hoping to convey my honesty and sincerity.
        “‘Sigh’, very well, I guess the only choice that the two of us have, whether we like it or not, is to just accept it”, she said with a rye smile. After what felt like an eternity of deep thinking, my father too said something of similar effect to what my mother said.
        “I guess you’re right”, my father also said, but not before releasing what had to have been the biggest sigh ever heard.
        Upon hearing this from my parents, I was overjoyed to say the least. Considering the fact that ever since I had found out what my feelings were, my biggest worry has always been what my parents would think of it, hearing them say this really relaxes and relieves the strain on my heart and head.
        As the evening that started off so turbulently gave way to a now more comfortable night, the time at which I had to go and meet Luhan was drawing nearer. Once the clock read five-to-ten, I told my parents I was going out for a short walk and would be back shortly. Once they announced they had not problems with this, I then walked out the front door and out towards the direction of the park. As I got closer, my eyes were met with something they didn’t want to see. Luhan was standing in the park, under the tree where we were supposed to meet - the very same tree where the two of us carved our names when were ten and claimed as ‘ours’ - was kissing one of the girls in our class. I stopped dead in my tracks, and in the process of doing so, I stepped on a small branch and caused a disturbance in the night. Luhan responded by pushing the girl off him and then looking over to where I was standing frozen.
        “Sehun, it’s-it’s not what it looks like” he said while stuttering and looking absolutely desperate to prove to me that what I had seen was simple ‘nothing’.
        “What does it matter what I think about it Luhan? Why do you care what I think about it?” I asked him as the tears began their long journey down the side of my face and down to the ground below.
        He began to inch his way towards me, but before he could reach me he was grabbed back by the girl, and I took this opportunity to run away.
        “Taeyeon let me go! I want to-” I could hear him yell. I didn’t feel like sticking around for the rest of their conversation so I ran as fast as I could towards my house. As I entered the front door like a madman, my parents looked at my worried and asked what had happened and why I was crying. Both of which I couldn’t and didn’t answer as I ran towards the secluded secure space that was my room.
        After I had cried for twenty minutes there was a knocking at my bedroom door, “Sehun, please open the door I need to talk to you”, I could hear Luhan say tenderly, but I didn’t answer him back. This kept up for an hour until he stopped and I could hear that he had dropped to the floor in front of my door and was sitting there, and according to what I was faintly hearing, crying.
        “Please, Sehun, I really need to speak with you”, I could hear him say through the sobs that were attacking him relentlessly. It was now that I knew that I could no longer hold out any longer. I got up and headed to the door. After I had unlocked it, I could see him sitting with his head in his hands with his still crying eyes looking up at me.
        “What do you want to tell me?” I asked.
        “Can I tell you somewhere else?” he replied, asking me a question. Obviously we weren’t going to get anywhere until we were out of my house and away from my parents prying ears.
        “Alright then, let’s go back to the park where we were supposed to meet”, I told him coldly.
        “Okay, that will do. Let’s go”
        Once we had arrived at the park, I sat down on the grass beneath our tree. Luhan soon joined me there. Once he did, he cleared his throat and began to speak.
        “I know that what had just happened before looks bad, and is bad, but it isn’t like what you thought”, he began, “I was waiting here for you when she came down. I’m sure you know already, but if you don’t, Taeyeon sort of has had a serious crush on me for about three months now and when she came down here for a walk, she saw me here and then she began to tell me about herself, which then lead her on to talking about her feelings for me, which then lead her to force a kiss on me. Which was about when you got here”
        I started laughing.
        “Why are you laughing? I wasn’t aware of the fact that I told a joke.”
        “It’s funny that she’s forcing a kiss on you after only crushing on you for three months”, Ha! I’ve been in love with you for around five years now and you haven’t seen me planting any on you.
        “What about you? How long have you been crushing on me?”

“Five years wh-”

“YOU’VE LOVED ME FOR FIVE YEARS! I knew there was something else there!” he said happily as he discovered the biggest secret of my life.

“YAH!! How dare you trick me like that! If I was going to confess to you, I wanted it to be slightly better than that. I wanted to be able to confi-”

I was silenced by the sweet connection he created between our lips as he pressed his lovingly against mine.

        “Well that’s nice to know, because I’ve been in love with you for about the same”, he smiled as he said the words that left me in a state of shock.
        “A-A-Are you serious?”
        “Of course”, he said as he leant in and kissed me again.
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        Looking back on my memory, a thought has occurred to me. Even though my first chance at love was painful, it is still one of my happiest and most treasured. Luckily for me, I was able to experience the happiness which can come from pain.
        “Are you awake?” I could hear a certain melodious voice say, “Because if you are, I want my good morning kiss”
        “YAH! Why do wake me up, I was having a nice dream”, I yelled in mock anger back at him.
        “Really, and was that dream better than what you’re seeing now”, he said as he winked at me.
        “No, rather than better, I’d say they’re about the same”
        “HAH! That means it was about me then, wasn’t it?”
        “Whatever you say, Luhan, whatever you say”