Sungjong turns eighteen right before the fall of his first session of classes at Seoul University. He wonders if eighteen will be a better than seventeen. Seventeen had been a rather uneventful time, aside from his first awkward ual encounter with another boy. Thinking back, he also identifies seventeen as a stressful year since that was when he chose to come out about his uality.

At the time, Sungjong had already anticipated his parent’s rejection word for word and action. He wasn’t particularly surprised at the volume of their voices, as if yelling would drill into him their homophobic values. He didn’t bat an eyelash when his father cackled at what he called his “lame excuse for a joke.” He didn’t even care when his parents threatened to disown him (which Sungjong thought was actually an award for being gay).

No, the one thing that shocked him was how he himself behaved. He was ashamed to find himself refusing to leave his room to face them after. He didn’t even know what the reason was for his seclusion. He expected all of this to happen, so why hide? The hours he sat in his room gave him a lot of time to think and wonder if the decisions he’s made in his life were the right ones. It was a daunting task for a seventeen year old to scrutinize every decision he’s ever made.

In the end, Sungjong decided to let himself rot inside his room for as long as he could. And nobody seemed to want him to leave his room either, however. So it didn’t really matter. Sungjong thinks this is better, anyways. He’s always liked being alone.

When he wasn't busy indulging himself in solitude, his parents would corner him like a wounded animal. Instead of tearing him limb from limb, they let their venomous words do the damage for them. Their few sentences sure did more harm than sharp canines would to flesh. They go as far as to tell him that he was going through some silly phase that he should grow out of now rather than later.

The accusations and demands don’t simply stop there. Sungjong has to hold his tongue as they yell at him to go find a girl (more gently put “not some ”) to marry and live a respectable life. At that moment, Sungjong wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or laugh- so he did neither and remained silent. He had to keep himself from criticizing their own marriage at the ridiculous demands. Why should he go get married when they had displayed time and time again what a stupid idea matrimony was to him.

He finds it a bit hysterical that his budding uality actually brings the two closer together as they find a common ground (enemy) with him. Throughout the whole ordeal, Sungjong never sheds a tear.


The true waterworks only come when his younger brother enters his room, the first time in days.

Sungjong wonders if he is in the same boat as their parents. His brother though does not abhor the fact he is a homo and in fact pokes fun at him. His brother tells him affectionately, “I had a feeling you were gay ever since we were kids and you had that Barbie collection.”

As the words sink in, the older brother can’t help but laugh alongside his sibling too. He laughs and laughs, and laughs to the point of tears. And somewhere along the line, the tears lose its joyfulness and turn into that of sorrow and deep regret. His brother rubs his back as he sobs and shamelessly let his tears stream down his bloated face. Sungjong realizes that the only person that knows him better than himself is his brother. And if his brother knew of his ual orientation even as they were children, then there really is no changing who he is as a person.

He’s gay and will never find anything attractive about the female form.

He smiles through teary eyes at the thought.


Seventeen had truly been a boring year. Eighteen would probably be the same, despite it being the year where he should be an adult. Sungjong doesn’t feel any different though. No magic spell fell on him at midnight to make him anymore wiser than the teenager he was and still is. Maybe at twenty-one, Sungjong muses.


Sungjong’s only regret is leaving his brother behind as he stands in front of the car that would deliver him to college. He wishes he could take his brother away from their childhood home, but figures that this will help him build character. Their home was a place that prepares you for the real world and not to be treaded on. He suspects his brother is strong enough to fend for himself.

There’s one last silent farewell before he gets in Sunggyu’s car. Sunggyu’s his friend, his senior at Seoul University as well. Sungjong is thankful for having at least one familiar face at the college. It calms his social anxiety.

As the image of his house fades more and more with the passing scenery, his brother’s last words (or tease) resounds in his ears during the five hour ride.


“Find some handsome boy and fall in love.”


Sungjong thinks falling in love is hard enough as it is, so why go looking for trouble?

Sungjong thinks about the idea of a boyfriend on the way to the University. He thinks about it as he unpacks his belongings in his dorm, only giving a fleeting regard for the whereabouts of his missing roommate. He thinks about it as well in the first day of his classes. His mind is half there as he tries to figure out his romantic queries. He’s aware enough of his surroundings to take notes and pay attention, but all his classmates and professors are blurs to him.

His sociology class suffices in making his ponderings worse as he takes human behavior into consideration. Sungjong thinks taking sociology as a class was a bad idea for someone as cynical as he. The class was only taken on a whim really, a biology major had no use for the subject.

With clouded thoughts concerning humanity, Sungjong heads back to his dorm after climbing two flights of stairs. He thinks woefully at his misfortune of landing in one of the cheaper dorms rather than the fancier kinds.

He stares at his room’s door with a sigh and proceeds to open it.


Someone’s bare bottom greets him at the door.

The student quirks an eyebrow at the pale flashing him in his room. Said owner of the abruptly stops changing his clothes and turns around, blushing red. Unintentionally, Sungjong’s eyes trail down to the male’s lower regions.

The male seems to be at a loss of words and has difficulty forming full sentences.

Sungjong is left speechless too and candidly closes the door without a word. His mask of calmness never slipping to give way to his current state of frenzy.  

It was probably a good idea to take a walk, Sungjong suggests. Hopefully the campus nightlife would cleanse the image of his roommate's (?) body from his pure mind.

He’s a foot away when the flasher comes crashing through the door. He had taken the liberty of adorning pants, but remains shirtless.

He looks like a lanky kind of fellow with a mop of maple locks. He offers Sungjong a nervous smile that’s more gums than teeth. If the circumstances of their first meeting had been different, Sungjong would have found it charming and quite infectious as well.

“I-I’m so sorry about what you walked in on!” The male yells, Sungjong inwardly wishes he would lower his voice. “You see I just got back from class and so I thought it would be nice to change, right? I didn’t expect or foresee -you know- having my roommate walk in on me since I hadn’t seen you before so I figured it was safe and-” The guy continues to ramble on.

Sungjong says the one thing that comes to mind to shut the man up, “Okay.”

A look of evident worry is still present on the other boy’s face. Sungjong resists the roll of us eyes.

“I’ll see you some other time...”

“Sungyeol.” The guy pipes up.

“Sungyeol.” Sungjong nods. “I’m Sungjong. I’m gonna go take a walk,” he jerks his thumb behind him, “See ya later.” He turns on his heels and leaves the half Sungyeol behind.

Sungjong wonders if he can get a new roommate.


By the end of his walk, Sungjong’s completely forgotten about Sungyeol’s birthday suit and is instead occupied with the sights of students, teachers, skateboarders, bicyclists, dogs, trees, cafes, restaurants, and just people in general. His walk was a short twenty minutes and by the time he returns it’s around nine at night.

Sungjong notices the lack of his roommate’s presence with an approving nod and heads straight to working on his nightly assignments. He connects his laptop to the dorm’s wifi and gets to work on typing his first thesis statement in a while. Twice his faulty laptop shuts down on him and he’s grateful that he does most of his work on Google Docs with its autosave features.

Sungjong craves to smack his computer around for its lack of efficiency but for a poor college kid depending on scholarships, laptops are expensive. Sungjong wonders if he should look for work around the area, but shakes his head at his odd school schedules.

The diligent boy finishes all his work by midnight. He doesn’t have classes until two in the afternoon and decides to stay up a little longer. Sungjong is only slightly curious about where his roommate is so late at night.

Sungjong shrugs and goes to sleep.

It wasn’t any of his business.


When Sungjong awakes around twelve the next day, Sungyeol’s bed is empty. It’s sheets had been ruffled up, giving signs someone had slept there that night. Sungjong gives a few more seconds to care before heading out to get something to eat before class.


This routine settles in for the first week of September.

Sungjong goes to his classes, takes a short walk, returns to his dorm, does his homework, fools around a bit online, and then heads off to bed. Sungjong rarely sees Sungyeol and he likes it that way. Sungjong was never much of a social person. He’s as popular with people as the dead goldfish is in the aquarium.


Sungjong likes the routine and is quite content with staying as a lone wolf until he meets Howon later in the month. The man with an affinity for purple is a biology major too. They coincidentally meet at the library one Thursday night.

Sungjong’s going over his scientific journal about XNA, when Howon approaches him asking if they could share his papers since he left his at his dorm. Sungjong finds no reason to deny his request and they read together in a comfortable silence.

The two meet again at the library some days later and the day after that and then the day after that. There seems to be some unspoken study group forming and an equally surprising friendship.


September continues to become a month full of change. That same month, Sungjong acquires his first  job at a family owned restaurant. The family is understanding of his college schedule and lets him work the weekends.


Sungjong makes friends with his slave driver manager Woohyun.


It’s mid-October when Sungjong meets Myungsoo and he joins Howon and his study group. Myungsoo greets him with a dazzling smile that proves to make Sungjong's cheeks redden. The month Myungsoo starts studying with them is the month Sungjong's biology grade drops from its permanent A+ to a B- and, oddly enough, his Sociology grade raises.

Myungsoo is a mess of adjectives and proves to have a similar effect on Sungjong's feelings. Sungjong takes to mood swings whenever the older male is around.

Howon says Sungjong is like a love struck school girl, except less vocal about her feelings and more irritating.

Woohyun disagrees and says Sungjong is like more of a public menace to himself and the restaurant’s patrons. Woohyun never fails to bring up the near kitchen fire every time after the month of October.


Myungsoo shows up to every one of their sessions much to Sungjong's glee. Sungjong tries to break away from his awkward shell and strike up conversations with the handsome boy. On several occasions, he's lucky. He finds that photography and manga are triggers for long conversations with him. Sungjong loves the glint Myungsoo gets in his eyes whenever he gets excited over a topic and how his speech would quicken as he tries to cram as much information into the chat (despite the fact that Sungjong's willing to give Myungsoo all the time in the world).


Sungjong's disheartened when he learns of Myungsoo's love of lady parts rather than the male anatomy. The heartbroken boy gives up his romantic interests in Myungsoo, but decides to keep the friendship he had worked hard to form. Sungjong wasn't foolish enough to give up a good friend for some stupidly failed romantic conquest. It still doesn't ease the blow however.


When November approaches, Sungjong finds himself still waking up to Sungyeol's empty bed every morning. Sungjong's slightly curious over his roommate's tendency to disappear, but finds himself too preoccupied with the weird phenomenon that is Kim Myungsoo.

Howon’s confirmed to him that Myungsoo indeed preferred the female populations when it came to love, but still Sungjong held some hope for Myungsoo. There was something about the way his soft hands would curl around his brunette locks when he was playing with his hair (a bad habit Myungsoo had formed) that made him think he had a chance.

Sometimes, Sungjong gets the suspicion that Myungsoo is flirting with him. The boy wishes Myungsoo wasn't such a friendly fellow because he was seriously ruining Sungjong's mental health with the mixed signals.

He's not interested in you romantically, Sungjong would chant to himself religiously to ward off his sickeningly adorable fantasies. Fantasies of which consisted largely of Myungsoo trapping Sungjong in one of the campus' labs with a picnic basket and several candles. But mostly the one phrase, "I love you," being the common denominator of them all.

Reality is a hard pill to swallow when delusion went down just like a spoonful of sugar. And the raven was certainly not making things easy on Sungjong. Was there any meaning to their ice cream outings or the lazy days they spent together? These are the questions that drive him mad.

Eventually, Woohyun’s forced to ban Myungsoo from visiting the restaurant whenever Sungjong’s on the clock. Two kitchen fires was where the angry manager drew the line. Myungsoo's blacklisting was probably a good thing though. Woohyun said kitchen fire number three would be the end of Sungjong's career as a waiter.

All of Sungjong's kitchen privileges had already been revoked, after all.


As November passes with several mental breakdowns, Howon still keeps a watchful eye over the boy.

Howon worries about Sungjong whose A average became a B. Sungjong was always seen with bags under his eyes now and staring at nothing in particular a lot. Sungjong’s dying.

Howon wonders how Myungsoo could be so clueless about his effects on the brunette. Idiots, Howon calls the two during one of their sessions, not that they hear the insult. Sungjong's face is buried into his textbook as he snores upon the pages of RNA and Myungsoo is playing with the Sleeping Beauty's hair.

Idiots.

Howon thinks that winter break doesn't come quick enough. Sungjong needed an obvious break from the school and Myungsoo at that. Unfortunately, there is no way of escaping the beautiful man.

Sungjong ends up spending Christmas with Myungsoo who also decided to stay behind than go home for the holidays, as well.

Sungjong isn't sure what to make of the two's flourishing and confusing (well to Sungjong) friendship.

December is the month of miracles though. He learns this truth from the kiss Myungsoo gives him in front of the giant Christmas tree in downtown Seoul. When the two parted, Sungjong could see every color of the tree’s lights reflecting off of Myungsoo's dark eyes.


December is miracles; January is of new beginnings and endings.


Myungsoo breaks Sungjong's heart on a Monday. His heart shatters loud enough to reach his ears. He's sure he won't recover from the loss and may never will, but he can't find it in himself to hate him.

His ex-lover tries to explain to Sungjong that he isn't sure of his uality and doesn't want to string him along as he tries to find out.

"I'm probably Jongual though." Myungsoo tells him as they finish the awkward break up conversation.

Myungsoo's magical, Sungjong thinks. It only takes him one stupid sentence to repair his heart although he wishes the words were instead, "I love you" (Sungjong can't afford to be picky in such a situation though).

Myungsoo says they're only taking a break, but he's sure this is final. Maybe he's wrong in assuming and God he hopes he is and that one day, Myungsoo proves him wrong.


So their shot at forever is over faster than it could begin. No, that's not right, Sungjong thinks, he's definitely wrong. They could still have forever, but just as friends.


So Sungjong's back at where he started. There really is no difference between this new year and the last that was just about a month ago.


By February, Sungjong's back into his normal school routine. Sungyeol is still often missing, but that's to expect.

Sungjong doesn't spend Valentines day alone, and instead with Myungsoo. There's nothing romantic about the day. They spend it at one of their dorms laughing at comedy movies.

Sungjong laughs and laughs until he’s crying and at some point they're no longer tears of joy. Myungsoo doesn't notice as he himself is burying his face into his comforter to control his fit of giggles.


When March arrives, Sungjong thinks that he's finally ridded himself of his feelings for Myungsoo or at least trapped them deep enough in his heart where they can no longer reach him.

They still act the same around each other like before their break up. Maybe it's a little unhealthy how the two seem to be able to ignore their old relationship status, but they seem to make it work.


The study sessions still happen.

Sungjong still works for the slave driver Woohyun.

Sungyeol still vanishes.


Sungjong thinks Sungyeol should teach him his secret. He would love to be able to slip away without being noticed. He envies his skill.


One morning in March, Sungjong wakes up earlier than usual. He opens his blurry eyes to the rare sight of Sungyeol's body sprawled across his bed. Perhaps Myungsoo had rubbed a bit off on him, he muses as he grabs his phone off the bed stand.

Click.

Sungjong snaps a picture of Sungyeol's sleeping form to commemorate the first day he caught Sungyeol sleeping.

Sungjong can't remember for the life of him if whether or not the shutter was on on his phone, but Sungyeol stirs awake. The tall male is staring at Sungjong through sleep hooded eyes with a lazy smile.

"Do you always take photos of people sleeping?" Sungyeol's voice comes out as a grapsy croak, heavily laden with slumber.

Sungjong his head, but smiles none the less, "I just want to remember this moment."

Sungyeol hums in reply and falls back asleep.


The photo on Sungjong's phone is a gateway to a plethora of future conversations between the roommates.


Sungjong finds himself waking up earlier in the mornings just to have short conversations between him and Sungyeol. Sungjong wonders if Sungyeol thinks their conversations are just dreams when he later wakes up to leave like usual.

Sungjong wouldn't blame him, sometimes he questions their genuinity too until he stares at the photo on his phone.

March is a season of miracles too, he supposes.


When April arrives, Sungyeol’s presence becomes more frequent. Sungjong finally learns that Sungyeol is an Aviation major and usually leaves early in the mornings to grab coffee before heading off to his lessons. Sungjong isn’t sure though if Sungyeol wants to become a pilot or an aviation technician yet.


It makes no difference though.


It’s the day before his huge test in Sociology when Sungyeol suggests an outing.

Sungyeol apparently has tickets to SNSD’s concert and wants Sungjong to be the one to tag along on his five hour road trip and three hour concert.

Sungjong’s certain he’s going to regret his decision, but college is a time to let loose.

Sungjong forgets about the grade he receives on the test, but he remembers the concert vividly. He could recall showing off his fantastic dance moves among a crowd of other screaming boys. He could tell you about the big smile Sungyeol had on his face when the girls performed ‘Gee’ and he could tell you how loud they screamed during each stage.

Sungjong could tell you all that, if only he hadn’t lost his voice screaming, “GIRLS BRING THE BOYS OUT!”


Come May and Sungjong feels like it's January again from the way his heart aches.

Myungsoo brings a pretty girl to join their study group. He isn’t sure if they’re dating, but Sungjong knows one thing for sure: Myungsoo lied about being Jongual.

The shot at forever as friends just widened significantly.

Howon tries to convince him Myungsoo and the girl have no relationship beyond friends, but Sungjong is doubtful from the way Myungsoo plays with her long, beautiful hair.


The fabric of Sungjong’s pillow clings to his wet cheeks. His lips tastes of salt at three in the morning as he tries to sort out his erratic emotions. His cries are barely noticeable, but he could feel the subtle shift on his bed.

Sungjong spends the night curled within Sungyeol’s opening embrace.

Sungyeol never asks why he’s crying. His lips are far too busy kissing the younger male.

Sungyeol’s lips taste like salt now too.


June arrives too soon.

He attends a party with Howon and all their friends. There he meets Dongwoo, one of Howon’s members from his dance group. Sungjong thinks Dongwoo is someone you just could never dislike. The two become instantaneous friends.

Myungsoo and him play beer pong for a long time. They throw petty insults at each other as they try to win. Neither of them actually consume any alchohol, but beer pong is more fun than regular pingpong in his oponion.

Sungjong still isn’t sure how he feels for Myungsoo. He’s sure there’s a part of him that wishes that Jongual was a real thing. There’s another part of him that wishes he himself wasn’t so Myungual.

And then there’s that part of him that wishes he’d stop putting the word ual after things.

Howon tells him to give it time.

After his competive game of beer pong, Sungjong shares a couch with Sungyeol who is sipping on some coffee he got from Starbucks earlier. He slings his arm around Sungjong’s shoulder and offers him the straw of his drink.

The two stay like that for hours. Sungjong regrets that he and Sungyeol didn’t become friends earlier, seeing as they’re now no longer roommates. He supposes friends (maybe more) was better than just dormmates though. Also, he’s sure, Sungyeol was willing to give him many more days of friendship to make up for the days they missed.

Sungyeol was willing to give him all the time in the world and vise versa.

June really comes too soon, Sungjong thinks sadly.


The day after the party, Sunggyu drives Sungjong home.

His brother eagerly greets him at the doorway and they ignore their parents as they make their way towards his room.

“How was college? Is it nice? Are you tired? Did you make friends? Did you date anyone? Why didn’t you text me that much?”

The questions come out rapidly fired.

“Good. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Busy.”

“Was this year fun for you?”

Sungjong takes a second to rethink back on the previous months. He thinks eighteen really isn’t better than seventeen. Then again, it was like trying to compare a dog to a cat, how does one measure time?

If anything, eighteen was boring, with the exception of some people (people like Howon, Woohyun, Myungsoo, and Sungyeol).