I lay awake in bed as I listen to the rain plummeting down the roof. As it trickles against the windowpane and seeps through the cracked ceiling, dripping into the half filled basin, I am somewhat filled with a sense of placidness. There’s something soothing about it that I can’t seem to pinpoint.

My body suddenly gave an involuntary shiver as a breeze filtered through the small gap of the window screen. Unconsciously, I reached out for the other side of the bed, expecting the familiar warmth but I’m welcomed with nothing but cold empty sheets. It felt strange.

At that right moment, her silhouette suddenly flashed before my eyes—the way she curled herself into a ball with the covers up to her shoulders, how her silky hair spread across pillow, leaving her snow white neck exposed and how her freshly-out of-the-bath scent stimulated my olfactory senses.

I shook my head. Not this again.

I shifted towards the centre of the bed, arms stretched out as I openly invite sleep to take over my system. And so I wait, one minute, five minutes, thirty minutes until it became an hour, still nothing.

I glanced towards the window and saw her faint profile—her body was wrapped snugly in a blanket as she looked out the window whilst rubbing her hands together. She turned around and sweetly smiled, asking me if I wanted a hot drink.

Stop it.

“Jiyong, you’re tired so go to sleep now,” I whisper to myself, mentally casting a spell as I shut my eyes before placing an arm over it.

Jagiya, are you still awake? I can’t sleep. Can you give me a massage?

“What?” I said out loud the same time I opened my eyes, swiftly scanning the room.

Pit pat pit patter pit pat

I heaved out a deep sigh as I sat up. I shook my head again and got out of bed. Taking lazy steps, I switched the lights on and went to the bathroom. I opened the medicine cabinet and reached for the sleeping pills, which I took earlier that night. I popped another in my mouth and looked at the bottle.

Sh*t. It expired. I spat the pill straight to the bin and washed my hands then splashed my face. I looked at my reflection; it seemed like I aged prematurely over a short span of just two weeks. Heavy bags under my eyes, dry, pale skin and one week and half worth of unshaven hair on my face.

What’s happening to me?

Where has the optimistic, hygienic, hard working and fun loving Jiyong gone?

As I continued inspecting my face, I saw something out of place in the bathroom. I scrutinized the mirror’s reflection and turned around. I approached the toilet and looked behind it.

It was Dara’s favourite pink hanky.

There were only a few of these around as they were limited handmade items bought from a specialty store. I randomly recalled that she had two; one she always kept in her bag and the other she leaves at home. As I held it, I just stood there, unmoving whilst gawking at it like fish out of water.

Now what? My brain was slowly recuperating.

Hold on.

Could this be a sign? Is there still hope?

With that thought and without hesitancy, I strode towards the bedroom and took hold of the phone. I dialled the familiar number and bounced my leg nervously. I cleared my throat a couple of times as my heart began beating hard against my chest.

It was ringing.

And ringing.

And ringing.

Till a long beep cut it off and was followed by the landlady’s voice saying that the tenant of the room has moved out and the current room was available for rent.

I put the phone down in utter disappointment, clutching the hanky in my hand.

Something small ignited within me. From then on, I was determined to bring us back together. I began sending texts to her number, leaving voicemails and wrote my heart out in lengthy emails.

I went to her old apartment the next day and asked the landlady about her possible whereabouts but to my dismay, she didn’t know anything but the fact that Dara wanted to move out immediately.

I visited her work place at the advertising agency and asked the same question to her manager, she didn’t know either. Dara was very private about it, was the only thing she told me.

I started going around possible places she would go to; her co-worker’s house, to her cousins’ even to her college classmates’ workplace. During weekends, I drove around the neighbourhood, asking strangers, police officers, even checking little cafes downtown and grocery shopping in different malls with the hope of seeing her around. Every nook and cranny I ventured out but still nothing.

Months had passed within a blink of an eye and my attempts eventually became futile and tiresome.

No matter how much I denied it, reality still slapped it right in my face.

She’s not here nor is she there.

She’s gone—not a single trace, not a single fingerprint left behind.

_______________________________

It was one of those days when traffic was heavy going home from work; everyone just wanting to sit down on their favourite couches, put their feet up and watch TV. Some wanting to take a deep dip in a scented hot bath and some just want to spend time cuddling with someone.

But for me it was one of those typical empty, uneventful times of complete isolation. No one to talk to about how your day went, no one to snuggle against, no one to hold through the night and no one to welcome you with freshly cooked warm meals on the table. My stomach protested at this thought.

So I decided to stop by a convenience store to buy dinner.

Looks like its frozen dinner again tonight. I thought as I stared at the rectangular cold box in front of me unappetizingly and placed five of them in my basket.

As I lined up by the register, a young couple was just leaving the store arm in arm. I glanced at their retreating backs and was placing my items on the rollers when the girl dropped something small and pink. I looked and saw that it was the same pink hanky.

Before my brain could practically process it, they were already out of the door, heading towards their car.

“That would be $55.6—“

I dashed out in full speed, my heart drumming against my ribs as I eyed the girl’s back, the distance becoming shorter with every step and breath. Her hair was in a beanie and her body lost in the big warm pink coat. They were already inside the car.

The car began to reverse swiftly and was about to turn unto the exit lane when I went in front of it, panting, extending both of my hands towards them. The guy cursed, beeped his horn and wore a pissed look. I quickly casted my eyes on the passenger seat and saw….a surprised stranger.

It’s not her.

My shoulders hunched down as disillusionment instantly washed over me.

I bowed down and shouted an apology as I hastily moved out of the way and went back to the store.

___________________________

I went home in low spirits, my hunger long forgotten. I opened the freezer, threw in the boxes and then opened the fridge to get a beer.

I loosened my tie and pulled it over my head before opening the bottle. I stepped outside my house, the cool wind brushing against my skin as I slowly sat on the sidewalk ledge, nursing my beer.

After a few moments of sitting there, the wind brought in a colder breeze accompanied by light showers. I remained still, unmoving as my head throbbed and my brain reached a state of absolute disarray.

I can’t take it anymore.

I just can’t.

It won’t stop and I don’t know how to stop it.

I am preoccupied by thoughts—thoughts of her. Every minute of everyday, every place I go, every sound I hear, she is there; and without fail, that peculiar feeling always gave me the reason to keep on hoping.

I long to see her, to touch her, hear her sweet voice, feel her against my skin—flesh to flesh and brush those supple soft lips against mine again. Every bit of me is aching, wrenched with pain, swallowed by sorrow. Despair is tugging me at the seams and I’m staggering, confused with reality and distorted by the past.

The showers picked up and instantly rain was teeming down on me.

I closed my eyes and savoured the rain pouring down my head and as it slowly soaked through my clothes. Coldness was unceremoniously biting my skin, piercing through my body.

I wished the rain could easily wash everything away- this feeling, my memories, even this excruciating pain in my chest.

My eyes felt heavy and my head began to ache. I threw away the empty bottle unmindfully and started to weep openly.

The sky growled as lightning flashed in the distance. The wind blew harder and trees roughly swayed.

I thought of us.

We used to get along so well. We hit it right off and sailed through the sea with modest hearts. I held her hand and she held mine. I didn’t give a damn what other people thought and what they said behind our backs. We loved each other and that was all that mattered to me and everything else came after that. 

We raged through storms and hails, we argued, we fought and we picked up broken pieces together at the end. When one was down, the other took over. That’s how we were. I strived for her and for myself. I sheltered her under my umbrella. We were happy. I was contented.

We had it all.

Yeah, we had it all, but she just had enough.

Enough. She screamed, with tears running down her rosy cheeks.

I grabbed her arm then, squeezing it hard. She still wouldn’t even look at me.

But when she did, it was a look of disgust and pain as she stood outside the door.

My grip loosened and before I knew it, her figure had completely receded into the distance. As the night breeze softly swung the door back and forth, a profound heaviness escaped from my body and I was left there standing like a fool, benumbed of all senses.

I let her go.

Yes, I did.

No, she left me and I let her.

What she said, I didn’t understand it then. I was too caught up in the moment so I blamed her and she blamed me. Dilemma started to rear its ugly head. We were sundered by anger and were gripped with self worth. Obstinacy eventually leaded us nowhere.

She used to say that she’ll always be mine but look at us now, torn up and shred into unrecognizable fragments.

Promises, promises…some of them, I couldn’t even keep.

I was a hopeless fool—hideous, blind and stupid. I pulled for more out of us but I pushed her beyond the sidelines. If I couldn’t take it, she couldn’t stand it.

Pathetic, that’s what I am.

Guilt is filling me up to the brim. But it’s too late—history has already written the pages and I’m reaping the consequences.

I know life goes on but the mere thought of moving on is frightening.

I can’t be with anyone else other than her.

No one.

Only her.

I went back to my house, dripping and shivering. I weakly trudged to my room in the dark. I sluggishly took my wet clothes off and put on some dry pants, clumsily wearing my robe on the inside out.

I pulled open my side table and took out a picture frame. I carried it with me to bed and stared at it, caressing the cold glass with a bitter smile on my face.

“I still love you and I’m sorry, Dara.”

Within moments, I collapsed on my bed. Sleep had finally consumed me; and as my tired eyes fluttered to a close, a tear unknowingly and gingerly rolled down my cheek.

 As the night wear on, outside the rain grew heavier hour by the hour.

Don’t you know I’m missing you?

So here it slowly falls again,

Every day and night as I open my eyes.

FIN

Author’s note:

P.S. Don’t kill me.

Jiyong asked for it. Lol.

Sequel? Maybe. I’m still thinking about it.