I Don't Deserve to Love You...
I Don't Deserve to Love You...
I don't know who's fault it is, I really don't. My mind says to blame you. After all, it's how all humans do it. We don't accept our mistakes and accuse others for the errors we ourselves did. But I can't. At least not all of my stupidity. You are too kind, too sweet, to be stuck with me.
There we met at the literary fair, a most unexpected place the future couples could meet. You loved my story, you loved how the characters were all intertwined into each other's pasts. If I recall correctly, you explained that "the futures of the boy and girl were already known from the start. But the girl, as a young adolescent, chose to ignore it and go down the path with him, dying as they together breathed in their last breath." A sad literary work I made indeed.
Maybe I'm just a pessimistic creature. One that keeps things to oneself. Only sharing the humorous, slightly insulting statements that causes others to laugh. Holding in thoughts that may be criticized, mocked, and thrown aside like dirt or feces. Equal to my closed mouth is my face. You will not know what I'm feeling if I don't want you to. Only if I deem you worthy. Of course there are those inevitable slip-ups where I slowly but surely burst into tears in front of people. But I always tighten my fists and forcibly attempt to keep the tiny droplets from sliding off my face. There's only one emotion I barely hide. Happiness. There's no reason to hide it, unless your success is one's failure and you know the saying, "Do unto others what you want done unto you." And I would very much appreciate it if the opponent won't smile a cheeky- grin and rub it in my face. Celebrating can wait.
Maybe it's my looks. I'm not confident around you. You think I don't see the guys that crowd around you, that take you from your circle of friends to ask you out? If you did, you thought wrong. Being the (over) protective girlfriend I am, I always keep an eye on you. Call me stalkerish but yes, I check your Facebook and other social networks. Don't want to post to the world of how sad you are without your precious girlfriend (am I precious to you?) knowing would we? And no, I don't stalk your friends. I hardy give a crap, unless they're being a little overboard on the teasing, or if they're becoming too close and touchy. But seriously, why do you need me if there's guys practically knocking your door down? Or...that old guy or girl crush you had? Surely you don't need me.
Maybe it's my sensitivity. The farther we went into this relationship, the more we changed. I looked at you jubilantly as you complimented my story. It wasn't even the best, only 'honorable mention' in fact but you waived away my built-in modesty. We talked for a while, birthdays, siblings, everything that any normal introduction would include. Ahaha, then my father. Blame him if they're any future hook-ups with me and Mr./Ms. Mysterious. He would always tell me to switch phone numbers with the friends I make at competitions. So there we are, we exchanged phone numbers. Usually, it wasn't a big deal. We were never going to message each other anyway. A thin bond like attending a literary fair connects us? Please. It'd last a day at most. However, I don't know. I liked talking to you, I truly did. That explains the first text to you. Then more and more as you replied.
Innocent fun I thought. Great friendship. I never knew...we'd become lovers. Literally breathless at your confession, I stared blankly at my phone. My blue piece-of-crap-that-should-have-broke-a-long-time-ago phone. No,I didn't see this coming. I was yet again unprepared to answer you, the first being your compliment to me at the fair, the one that seems like years ago. Chickening out, I denied you. I haven't thought of that. Being lesbian. Of course I didn't mind them, being an avid reader of girls' love in animes and mangas. I wasn't appalled at you, don't think that dear. That just wasn't the right time. I was still confused. Well, you don't really need my assurance I assume. After all, you did try to get me to be yours several times after. That is when I failed you again.
I was too scared. Too frightened by that horrid label. Lesbian. There was barely a sentence out there with that word that didn't have curse words and embarrassment splayed around it. It was only after getting jealous of another guy confessing to you that I realized that it was the right time. Sure I paced. I don't deny that. Yes, I did scream obscenities at myself in my pillow, in addition to kicking my feet wildly. Yes, I asked my loving oppa, for which I was blatantly denied guidance. And yes, I do admit embarrassingly I used Cleverbot, that weird website where you talk to a computer, the computer replying with other people's replies if that maes any sense. Yes, it told me that if I liked a girl, even if I was one, that I should still ask you out. Well, not exactly to the point. There was some random questions of my desire to drink milk. But anyway, back to the point...then and there, I asked you, crying in the pressure, hands shaking as my fingers trembled from this weird coldness. That three letter word you sent. Though I knew you'd say it, it still made my stomach churn excitedly as I read "Yes" over and over and over again.
My love for you was not hidden and it seemed to grow increasingly by the second. I loved you and I could love you freely, without me trying to fool myself into thinking it was just friend's love. With accepting to love you, I accepted that fact that it could end abruptly, or like an avalanche, one misunderstanding leading to another and another until both of us will be forced to not look behind us, just forward as we both moved on.
But I didn't expect what you did to me... You left me sweetie. On a vacation on a cruise ship for 2 months. No connection. No way to text you. No way to imagine your cute smiles as I send you a sweet little message. I could wait I thought. She'll arrive back and be so excited to finally message me I thought. Both were wrong...
The first month was the hardest. I used to text you everyday, I used to get 'good morning' and 'good night' messages, I used to text you wake up messages, since you always woke up early and I would sleep late. But...you were gone. No one could replace you and I felt, as clique as it sounds, undying loneliness. Anything and everything reminded me of you. Every time I slipped into those disgusting pink shirts, I smiled, knowing pink was your favorite color. However, those slight happy moments, they never lasted. It became so much that I just didn't want to wake up the next day. I didn't want to wake up and see my phone not vibrating noisily on the table from receiving a message. No matter what day it was, the cut on my heart was still slick and sharp and there was no way to block it...maybe. Attempting to meet new people, to create new friendships, I did what seems too horrible to imagine, to forget you. For the most part, it worked but every morning I woke up, every night I went to bed, never did a day pass I didn't think of you. Never did a day pass didn't I think of you hugging me from behind as we both slept on a white fluffy pillow. Never did a day pass didn't I think of holding your hand or you kissing my lips. Maybe it wasn't the waiting that pained me most. It was your 'updates.' Seeing you comment on friends' photos and liking pages, when you said you weren't going to have Internet, when you haven't texted me in the longest time.
Then I thought to myself, "Am I really that needy?" I disgust myself. Wanting you, loving you, needing you so bad when it seems like you didn't give me a second thought as you strolled onto that luxury ship.
Then...you came back. No, I shouldn't say that. Not all of you did. I felt it, I saw it in the way you messaged me. No, I don't think you fell in love with the bell hop or employee. No, I don't think you hooked up with your all-time crush when you were a child. It might as well have been that. I would've forgiven you as long as you fessed up. How can I explain it? It seems like...not all your heart returned. Your love for me has lessened, and me for you. Suddenly, we have other commitments and we can no longer talk everyday like we used to. Suddenly, everything just stops us from texting. Knowing this, hurts me more, kills me more.
Finally I had the courage to say something, knowing fully well this could end badly, which it did. Though I barely said anything that was on my mind, it was enough to make you sad, for your heart to ache and for me to stare blankly at the wall and feel utter despair because I hurt someone I truly loved, and still do. But we gave each other another chance. One more shot for the grand prize. And that day, it seemed like old times. The 'feeling' of your love was back, but I controlled myself. Inside I was overjoyed. If this were to continue, we'll be just like before. Inseparable in life and spirit.
But just how there always seems to be a romantic part of every big time movie, we were met with another hindrance. My stupid clumsiness caused me to trip and fall into the community pool, my phone being in my pocket. As stupid as it sounds, that ruined us. The soaked, dead crappy blue phone of mine. We were disconnected again, for another week. And when I finally texted her, my heart didn't fill up with giddiness, it did not scream in excitement. It lay there, unfazed as I felt your half-hearted reply.
You say you love me, you say I'm the one but why can't I feel it? Is it my suspicion that covers what's blatantly obvious? Is it my sensitivity that analyzes each word too much? I don't know. All I'm aware of is, logically, you should still love me, having fought hard to be my girlfriend for so long. But logic makes no sense in this love game. What I'm afraid of, what I fear to no end, is our love. Nothing is perfect and neither are we. Because I think, knowing no other words to say this, we, darling, have fallen in love with each other at different times.
So, Tiffany, when I utter those words, if I ever do...that phrase that can only lead to heart aches and crying, please just forget about me. Me, who doesn't deserve your love. Me, who couldn't live without you for a second. Me, who got jealous and pouted when you teasingly flirted with other people. Me, who isn't beautiful, inner or outer. Me who...who just can't... just can't deal with you not always being there...
"I loved you..." I whispered under my breath as I looked into the mirror, at my miserable state. Drops of salty water rolled down my face and into my palm and I quickly wiped them way. "Tae, it's time for breakfast!" I heard her shout from downstairs.
"I'm coming! Just washing my face!" I yelled back, blowing my nose in the toilet paper before splashing the cold water on my face, watching in blurry vision as some drops stuck on the mirror. Rubbing my face dry, I unlocked the door. Just say the red eyes are from morning allergies I thought as I hesitantly walked down the steps.
Don't love me Tif. Please don't love me...because I don't deserve to love you...
...August 25, that night, everything, the bits and pieces that hung loose together fell apart and it was over...
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