When did you realise that you were in love?

There is not an answer to this question. There hadn't been a specific moment.
It was like gradually waking up from your sleep to the space between dreaming
and being awake and then into consciousness. It's a slow process and yet so
fast you can't see it coming. But the moment you are awake, there's no mistaking it.
There was no mistaking that it had been love. The most painful love...

All the boys were sitting around the big table in the restaurant that was covered with many delicious food. They had the night off to relax after they recorded their Music Video that was sheduled to be out in about two weeks for their Comeback so they decided to come to the small restaurant near their dorms. It was also a good oppurtunity for them to be all 12 together again since EXO M was mostly working in China. The atmospehere was good and everyone was enjoying themselves, laughing, talking, drinking and eating

“Thanks for everyone’s effort! Let this comeback be even a greater success!” Kris held up his drink to the air, gave one of his rare smiles and everyone followed his move and put their drinks up high. “YES! Let’s become number one!” Chanyeol shouted out and put his wide grin on.

Sehun at the other side of the table was only playing with his food and raised his head from now and then when someone spoke to the whole crowd or to look over to Luhan that was sitting next to Kai. They seemd to be in a very exciting conversation by the look of their expressions. Kai was whispering something into Luhan’s ear to which Luhan covered his mouth with his hands to not burst out in laughter and Kai took a sip of his drink and then grinned. Yeah, they were having fun. Maybe it was just Sehun but it seemd like Luhan was not putting any effort anymore to talk to him or spent time with him like they used to. And maybe he was also overreacting but he felt like he was even avoiding any eye contact to him… and why was Sehun caring so much about it? Sehun secretly wished that Luhan was sitting next to him, talking to him, laughing with him. Sehun felt an unexplainable uneasiness when he saw his Hyung having fun with others. Was he really sure about his feelings, could he still order them and give them a reason or a name? He wasn’t sure anymore because everytime when Luhan was not paying atenttion to him, he felt this chaotic and wild feelings raising inside of him and a childish jealousy that he couldn't control. So he just lowered his gaze to his palet that was still filled with all the food.

“Don’t you like the food?” Suho put his hand on Sehun’s shoulder to which Sehun raised up his head waking up from his thoughts. “Oh, it’s really good. I am just not hungry…” Sehun answered a little bit irritaded and gave a short laugh and put the chopstick aside. Suho looked at Sehun worried for a moment but then smiled softly “Well then… but make sure you are okay, yeah?” Sehun also tried to smile back and just nod.

It was getting really late when everyone was finally done with the eating and drinking and most of the members were starting to feel dizzy and tired. Chanyeol, D.O and Bacon were the first to leave followed by Chen and Xiumin. The rest of the members were standing outside of the restaurant, leaving one by one. Sehun stood by the door, busy watching Luhan talking to others, laughing and saying goodbye till their eyes met. Luhan tensed for a moment, his smile hot smaller and he just bowed to say goodbye without coming to his side and then turned away. Why is he like that? Sehun asked himself feeling upset. He couldn’t take it any longer so he stepped to Luhans side and grabbed his wrist.

“Hyung” he said trying to not miss a beat “Will you take a walk with me…?”

Luhan looked at Sehun a little bit shocked but didn’t say anything and then lowered his gaze to Sehun’s hand around his wrist to which Sehun let go of him. He will say no, he will not come with me, Sehun kept repeating in his head but Luhan started to smile and nod “Why not…”

So they both said goodbye to the others. The night was clear and a cold December wind was blowing through the city. Sehun was walking ahead and Luhan was just following his steps, slowly, without knowing where Sehun was walking. None of them broke the silence but they kept walking till they came to a small hill.

“Where are we?” Luhan finally broke the silence. Sehun smiled at him nervously and walked to his side. “I want to show you something hyung” Sehun slowly covered Luhan’s eyes with his shaky hands and walked with him some steps forward.

“Hey… let me see something!” Luhan tried to see through Sehun's fingers.

“Wait… not yet!” Sehun replied.

Then he stopped.

“Can I see now?”

“Yeah” Sehun said and moved his hands away from Luhan’s eyes and stepped a little bit aside.

Luhan opened his eyes, standing at the edge of the hill, to a wonderful sea-sight, to a scene in which the lights of the city reflected in the water. The wild waves were fighting against the cold December wind. It looked like the ships in the far were dancing on the water. The sky had a dark blue colour. It all felt like a surreal painting and Luhan felt like dreaming. For a moment it was quiet, he closed his eyes and listened to the melody of the sea. Even though the cold wind was breezeing to his face and messing with his hair, he felt peacefull and warm.

“This… this is beautiful” Luhan bursted out, looking over to Sehun with excitement.

“I can remember that you told me last time that you miss watching the sea-sight in your hometown” Sehun said and walked to Luhan’s side, stood next to him and also watched the view.

“I come here every night when I have time. It feels peaceful…”

“It really does” Luhan said.

A small snowflake suprisingly fell down on Sehun’s nose out of nowhere.

Both of them looked up to the sky. “It’s snowing!” Sehun pointed to the sky.

One snowflake after other started to fell down to the ground. The whole city was turning into a beautiful white. Luhan put his arms up and tried to catch some snowflakes with his hands.

“Did you know that every of them look different? None of them look the same” Luhan said.

Sehun shook his head "No"

“Look” Luhan showed him his fingertip with a snowflake on it “if you look carefully, it has many details”

Sehun came closer to look at it but before he could see it, the snowflake smelt and was gone.

“I couldn’t see it right” He said disappointed.

“Like every beautiful thing it doesn’t last forever”

“But I want this moment to last forever” Sehun whispered to himself.

Sehun leaned against the big tree “Do you know hyung” he started to speak, his heart beating up to his throat “I am not the best chatter and I didn’t have much friends before I joined the company and I didn’t know about talking about such stuff to be honest… but since I met you, everytime it gets dark in my life, you’re making it brighter with your smile and your words. You are just like the wind, appeared out of sudden in my life, slowly touched my heart, gave me power everytime I wanted to give it up and run away. When I come to this place, I often think about you… when you are not around” Sehun smiled shy and got emberassed “Sorry… I am quiet bad at telling such things, but I just want to say I am thankful...”

“Sehun, you…” Luhan opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

Sehun and Luhan spent most of their time together at the company when they became trainees and when EXO M was in Korea. They went on walking, drinking bubble tea, watching movies. They texted each other when they were in different countries. When Sehun was with Luhan, the hours passed by very fast and when he was not around, everything turned into grey colours.

It’s not like Sehun didn’t liked his other members but it was not the same like with Luhan. But since Luhan seemed so absent lately, everything sickened Sehun. Watching a movie was not fun, tarvelling was not fun, even singing and dancing sickened him…

“Hyung, did I do something wrong? I feel like you are so absent, even though you are near me, you seem so far… It makes me wonder, but  I am so happy that we are here now…”

Luhan shook his head hastly and walked over to Sehun “No, no… don’t say that, it’s not, well- Ah babo…”

Sehun looked down to his shoes, his hands getting wet, he was getting nervous “I just can’t hold it back anymore, I just can’t” and a small tear started to build in his eyeballs “but it feels like, I am being a fool. I am so sorry for taking you here, I make myself look stupid -“

“Stop it! Do you know what I am going through? Do you know about my feelings towards you? Do you even know why I am so absent and can’t even look you in the eyes?” It came out of Luhan even though he tried to hold it back.

“Hyung, what are you sa-“

“Babo, can’t you see that I am suffering, just like you!” Then Luhan stopped talking, looking around as he was looking for someone to speak for him, sighed and walked to Sehun who was still leaning against the tree with his back.

With a slow move Luhan took his hands and placed it on his chest “Doesn’t it feel like it goona jump out of here any moment?”

Sehun could feel Luhans heart beating like crazy, and with every beat his own heart was pushing against his chest, trying to break the walls with its huge power.

WIthout any warning Luhan hugged him and they were closer than never before. Sehun could feel Luhan’s warm breath on his neck, his whole body tense; the cold was unreal for a moment. He had the strong desire to not let him go, to have him in his arms forever, to stop the moment and live forever in it. He was in the arms of the guy he missed so much even though he was near him.

Sehun softly s his hands behind Luhan’s back as the tears started to fall down and layed his head on his shoulder. “Hyung…i love you, i love you so much…I am so sorry” Sehun said between his crying. Luhan didn’t say anything but put Sehun’s head between his hands and made him look into his eyes but Sehun pulled Luhan back to him, thighter than before, close to his chest and without saying anything he pressed his lips against Luhans. Their tears were mixing together and they fell into a passionated kiss, hugging each other thightly, forgetting everything around them. Luhan couldn't control his feelings any longer either. He also started crying. Luhan was trying to take distance to Sehun lately, he wanted to stop the feelings, to ignore them… but here and now, he was just lost in him, totally sure that he was the person he loved so much... he was living the moment he had dreamed of for so long. Everything felt right till he came back to his senses, remembered the reality. What was he doing? He couldn't let this happen, no this was totally not right, this shouldn't happen. He stopped the kiss abruptly and pushed Sehun away. Sehun tripped a little bit and raised his head up in shock. Both of them were out of breath.

“What the hell are you doing?” Luhan said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hands. "Are you crazy?!"

Sehun looked down to his red cold fingers “I am sorry… I shouldn’t have…”
Luhan stepped fastly to Sehun that their noses almost touched “Never do this again… I don't love you okay? I don't!!!! In fact, I hate you...”

I hate the way you talk, your stupid lisp, and the way you style your hair. I hate the way you always want to drink bubbletea and drag me with you. I hate it when you look at me, your annoying stare. I hate your stupid little tongue when you your lips.

"Liar!"Sehun tried to grab Luhan’s hands but he moved them away “Don’t touch…”

and the way you ready my mind, the way you are always right, I hate you so much that it makes me sick.

“Why? Why do we have to suffer? Don't lie to me hyung, because I know you do... Why can’t we just love and-“

“Stop it…” Luhan closed his eyes and covered his ears with his hands. “I don’t wanna hear it”

Now the whole place was covered with the white blanket and it got colder, everything stopped, nothing moved; just like when you come to the end of a book, close it and come back to the reality. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not at all. Luhan fell down to the ground covering his face in his hands “…I love you too...”

Sehun froze for a moment, hearing the words coming from the guy he loved so much put him in some kind of a shock but then he kneeled down to him. “Hyung, let’s run away. I would do anything to stop the suffering. I can deal with it, I can live with it, with the judges people, of the world. I would carry it on my shoulders if I have to and then…-”

Luhan shook his head that was still covered in his hands “Stop talking bull, we can’t… I just can’t…”

Sehun didn’t say anything but just let himself fall to the cold ground next to Luhan. He pulled Luhan’s hands away from his face and touched his face. 

His forhead, his eyes, his eyebrows.

Luhan was following Sehun's finger with his teary eyes, breathing deep in and out.

His cheek, his nose, his lips... Sehun was fascinated with every inch of Luhan…

“Don’t hide your face hyung, even when you cry, you are beautiful…. don't be emberassed” Sehun smiled sadly, his face covered with hot tears that he couldn't hold back. His whole body was hurting, his heart was burning and aching. He took Luhan's cold hands between his own. His lips were dry.. “I am sorry”

“No, no no… I am sorry. I am the one who is sorry” Luhan sobbed. “I can’t be as brave as you are. I can’t even be true to myself…”
 

He took a deep breath and turned to Sehun “Sehun, I can’t… I just can’t. We can’t…forgive me and forget me, forget everything that happened…"

"I can't... I can't forget you. I'll wait here, till the day you will come back and decide that this was all a mistake, that your decision was a mistake."

"Why are you being such a fool? Just GO" Luhan said.

"I'll stay here. I will wait..." Sehun was repeating the words.

"DON'T DO IT!" Luhan stood up and slowly Sehun’s hands drifted away from his, down to the snow… "DON'T WAIT FOR ME! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"BUT I WANT TO! I LOVE YOU!"

"Then just Stop loving me, because I will too!" Please never stop loving me and If I ever push you away, please still stay by my side "I really DON'T want to see you Sehun... GODDAMNIT and now stop talking about it!" I want to see you every minute, every second...and when I say that I don't want to talk about it, I do, I just don't know how to use the right words.

Sehun looked up to Luhan, like a little kid waiting for his parents to change their opinion about something they forbidden him that he wants to have but is finally realising that is no use to whine around anymore.

“Okay hyung” Sehun sobbed even harder “If this is really what you want, I will forget you. I wont hurt you anymore, I wont let you suffer anymore… don’t worry, I wont cross your way ever again. I will live on like I have never loved you… I will burrow the feelings deep inside me…” he stopped "and you can live on lying to yourself, telling that you are okay when you are not... "

Luhan didn't look at Sehun, he was unable to say anything… and now, the guy he loved, seemd farer than ever before. He just heard a painful sighing coming from Sehun… They just stayed there, for an hour or more, without saying anything… just Sehun’s loud crying filled the night, broke the silence… and Luhan’s heart into thousand of pieces…

You know what Sehun, I wish I was as brave as you are… I wish I could hug you again right here and right now and never let you go. I wish I could say that I didn't mean it what I said "Please don't leave me, please wait for me, please love me" But I couldn't... Do you even know that you are the reason I can even smile, the reason I can be motivated even at times that I feel like I can’t do it any longer. Maybe you don’t know it but you mean more to me than I could ever show… and right now, hearing your crying like this and me being a fool, it kills me. I am pulling all the knived against my own heart... everything hurts...

I fighted with myself every night, tried to avoid your eyes. And when I was quiet, it was just because I had so many things to say, so much that I wanted to tell you all at once and never knew where to start.

But now, all we can  do is to stand under the freezing cold, after we run hundred miles without getting anywhere.

Maybe I can't show it like you do but I also get immaturely jealous when you talk to someone else and everytime when you are not around, i miss you so easily, but I will never tell you that...

Maybe one day, you and I get tired of the repeating sceneries and at one point we will stop to talk.

And we will built a wall for each other and when we open our eyes after falling into a deep sleep, tired from swimming in the ocean of our tears in our seperated rooms. Maybe you will get tired of me one day, of my pityself that is afraid to even look you in the eyes. And maybe you will even forget me, forget everything…

It's not easy for me, not at all, in fact I am dying here and now, but you have to trust me, I do this all for you, to not let anyone hurt you. To not let you into something that you can’t handle. You wouldn’t deserve all the hate and bashing that would wait of us. This world, this entertainment industry knows no mercy, they would destroy you... Would you understand if I would tell you? Because I couldn’t handle either if one wisp of your hair would get hurt. Maybe you really should forget me, don’t look after me. And maybe this should be the last time that we should get this close...

And you know what, one day I will be so sorry, that I didn’t take the risk,
I will feel like an idiot, like a fool to let you go… I know it so well.

And if that one day comes in that I can’t hold you anymore, I will cry secretly, and it will kill me to know that it was all just my fault... I will only watch you from afar,

and Like every beautiful thing that doesn’t last forever, you will drift away from my life…

...and I will keep asking myself how things would look like if we had meet randomly in an alley, passing us by, maybe you dropping something to the ground and I helping you to get it back, our eyes would met, we would get into a random talk and we wouldn't be the Idols that we are today, but just two ordinary boys whoms ways just crossed, maybe like this, we could fall in love again, maybe in our dreams we can live with no care... would we be happy  then?