Jongin hates modeling. He hates wearing nice clothes, or no clothes, and posing in front of a camera. He feels shallow and dumb while he does it, and that’s probably why he throws himself into studying whenever he can.

            I’m a student, he says to himself. Not a model.

            His manager, Kris, gets fed up with him every time a modeling gig comes in, because Jongin will always find ways to get out of doing it. And even when he agrees, the price he wants is ridiculous.

            Lucky for Jongin, the companies want him badly enough to pay it.

            Yixing has always been there for Jongin. He’s the one that listens, always. He’s lived it all with Jongin, from the beginning until now, and there isn’t anyone Jongin trusts more.

            “I still have nightmares,” Jongin says to Yixing. “I still have them, even after all this time.”

            Yixing says nothing, but he wraps an arm around Jongin’s tightened shoulders.

           When Jongin was 15, he had been scouted by a modeling agency. Being young, he agreed to sign a contract.

            Jongin thinks that it is the worst decision he has ever made.

            He was flown all over the world, because he was the ‘hot new model’, and everyone wanted him. He was the highest paid model at the world, all at age 15.

            Money didn’t change him, but it changed the people around him. His parents became greedier, though they tried to hide it from him. Jongin saw the disappointment in their eyes whenever he brought them a paycheck. Why isn’t it more, their eyes seemed to say.

            Jongin has a sister, and he loves her more than the world. She’s two years younger than him, and she’s sweet and nice to everyone. Jongin wants to shield her from everything evil in the world, because she’s beautiful and he wants to preserve that beauty.

            “There’s nothing you need to forgive yourself for,” Yixing says to Jongin. Jongin shakes his head and says, “I’ve forgiven everyone. Except myself.”

            When Jongin was 16, he was still a straight-A, honors student at his high school. Kris puts up with the schoolwork because he knows that Jongin will refuse to model if it means he has to quit school.

            Jongin meets people when he models. Mostly he meets girls that are too skinny, with sunken cheeks and painfully prominent ribs. They are draped around him while he reclines on a couch. When Jongin sees the pictures, he sees the man that everyone envies, because his life is perfect. He’s young, handsome, and has women around him.

            He does not see himself.

            One day, he meets Joonmyun. Joonmyun is not a model either, but a singer. “I love singing and dancing,” he tells Jongin. “Music is my life.” Jongin just smiles and nods, like he understands.

            He doesn’t.

            He and Joonmyun are modeling for the same company, and they lean against a wall, posing for the camera. Jongin puts on his ‘ the world’ face, and rests his arm on Joonmyun’s shoulder. “You’re too tall,” Joonmyun whispers, “lean more on the wall.” Jongin obliges, and Joonmyun shifts so that they look more natural. Jongin fixes his gaze on the ground, hearing the cameras clicking.

            Afterwards, Joonmyun insists that Jongin accompany him to some party. Kris doesn’t object, so Jongin goes.

            Jongin is 16, almost 17, and technically underage. The barista doesn’t seem to care, and passes him a beer. Jongin turns the can over in his hands, contemplating. They say that beer makes you forget about your problems.

            Jongin wants to forget about his problems, so he drinks.

            Later, he finds himself on the dance floor, lips locked with one of the female models he has worked with before. Her cheekbones press into his as they kiss, and Jongin pulls away, gasping. “What’s your name?” he manages to ask her. She drags her finger across her lips. “Krystal.”

            Krystal has a friend who insists on joining them in the small, cramped room. “I’m Yoona”, she breathes before pulling Jongin in for a kiss. Krystal laughs and Jongin feels her fingers undoing his pants. He wants her to stop, but he can’t talk. Yoona’s kissing him.

            Yixing listens to him talk, and wipes away the tears that Jongin tries to hide. “It’s not your fault, Jongin. Not your fault.” Jongin wants to scream, because it is his fault.

            “Where were you?” Joonmyun asks him a couple days afterwards when they see each other again. “I tried looking for you at the party but I couldn’t find you.” Jongin stays silent, because he doesn’t know what to say. Joonmyun hesitates, and then says, “Is it true? The rumors? Jongin turns and looks at him. “What rumors?”

            Joonmyun bites his lip before he says, “Everyone’s been saying that you hooked up with Krystal and Yoona.”

            Jongin squeezes his eyes shut, because he can’t deny it. Because it’s the truth. He feels a hand on his shoulder, and opens his eyes to see Joonmyun standing next to him, his eyes full of worry. “It’s okay. Rumors go away. You’re okay.” Joonmyun’s voice is a whisper, and when he leans down and presses his lips to Jongin’s, it’s different than it was with Krystal and Yoona.

            It feels real.

            Jongin pulls away first, because he still remembers how Yoona’s lips felt on his. Like poison. And he doesn’t want that memory to taint his memory of Joonmyun. “I’m sorry, Joonmyun…I can’t…”

            “Can’t what?”

            Jongin shakes his head and leaves, Joonmyun staring after him.

            “You love him,” Yixing says, and Jongin stares at the wall, because it’s the truth. “Tell him. Tell him that you love him.” Jongin shakes his head. “No. I can’t.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because I can’t trust myself anymore.”

            “But you trust him.”

            “And he trusts me. But he shouldn’t. He deserves better.”

            Nothing Yixing says can change Jongin’s mind.

            Jongin graduates high school as valedictorian and a perfect GPA. Look at him, everyone says. He’s perfect. An exemplary student, and he’s rich from the modeling he does.

            Jongin is silently screaming behind his smile.

            Joonmyun finds him after his graduation ceremony.            

            “Jongin!” Jongin turns to see a smiling Joonmyun. He’s holding a bouquet of flowers, which he holds out to Jongin. “Congrats! You’re done with high school!”

            Jongin smiles and takes the flowers. “Thanks, Joonmyun. How did you even get here?”

            Joonmyun shrugs. “I didn’t want to miss this, so I didn’t.” Jongin doesn’t pull away when Joonmyun hugs him.

            When Jongin is a sophomore in college, Joonmyun finds him again. He’s still a singer, a successful one at that. Jongin still models but only when he has to support himself. He’s a full time student at one of the top colleges in the world.

            “Why do you study?” Joonmyun asks him. “You could model until you’re 25 and have enough money for the rest of your life.”

            I study because books are dependable, Jongin thinks to himself. The books won’t change, and I can memorize the information. Then I take a test, and I’m done. It’s easy. People aren’t easy. What he tells Joonmyun is, “I don’t know. I like studying.” Joonmyun makes a face, and Jongin laughs.

            I can’t deal with people. I don’t trust people. Not after what I’ve been through, Jongin thinks to himself. There’s only some people he can trust, four to be exact. Kris, Yixing, his sister, and …Joonmyun. He trusts Joonmyun.

            Jongin wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating, and calls Yixing. Yixing sounds tired and bleary, but he picks up.

            “What’s wrong, Jongin?”

            “I had a nightmare again.”

            “Again? The same one?”

            Jongin’s breathing is uneven. “It’s like I’m tied down, or something is holding me down. She’s forcing herself on me, and I can’t throw her off. I want to scream or yell or something but I can’t. She’s gagged me. It hurts, and I can’t make it stop.”

            Yixing sighs. “Jongin, have you even considered going to a therapist?”

            “I don’t need a therapist.”

            “But you’ve been having these dreams for months. It’s time to face it, Jongin; face reality.”

            “I’m not actually getting . They’re just dreams. They’re not real.”

            “If they’re just dreams, why do they bother you so much?”

            Jongin hears his own ragged breathing, echoing in his ears. “They don’t bother me.”

            “Then why do you call me?”

            “Because…because I just need to hear someone’s voice.”

            Yixing softens. “I’m always here if you need to talk, Jongin.”

            Jongin feels his breathing become more even. “I know. Thanks.”

            Yixing makes a soft noise at the back of his throat. “Are you better now?”

            “Better. I’ll let you go back to sleep.”

            “You sure? I can stay longer if you need it”, Yixing says, even though Jongin can hear how sleepy he is.”

            “Yeah. Go back to sleep, Yixing. I’ll see you later.”

            Yixing falls back asleep before hanging up, so Jongin ends the call. This is my fault, he thinks into the darkness. I should never have signed that contract. I should never have started modeling. I should never have let those girls near me.

            There’s silence.

            When Joonmyun leans over and kisses him, Jongin lets him, but only for a couple seconds. He pulls away, leaving a disappointed looking Joonmyun. When Joonmyun asks him, “What’s wrong?”, Jongin draws his knees up to his chin and curls up into a ball. Joonmyun looks hurt, but Jongin doesn’t know what to say to make everything right.

            Finally, he says, “I’m not ready.”

            “Ready for what?”

            Ready to forgive myself. “Ready for a relationship.”

            Joonmyun covers Jongin’s hand with his own. “When you are, let me know.” Jongin nods.

            “The past is the past, Jongin. You have to move on,” Yixing says to Jongin. “Move on. Let it go.” Jongin shakes his head. “I have moved on. I just haven’t forgiven myself.”

            Jongin sees Joonmyun next at Yixing’s wedding. He’s still a singer, but has also started acting. Jongin is a cardiac surgeon now, employed in Los Angeles. When Joonmyun sees him, he hesitates before coming over. Jongin smiles at him, but it’s a half smile. Only one side of his lips curve up, and just barely at that.

            Joonmyun sits in the chair next to Jongin and pours him a drink. “I think this is only the second party we’ve been to together.”

            Jongin smiles at that, a real smile. “And the first one where I’m actually legal.”

            They talk about nothing, and everything. Time passes, but Jongin feels that Joonmyun is holding back. They’ve talked about his career, Joonmyun’s career, Yixing, the wine, the music, everything except themselves. Jongin nibbles on the inside of his cheek because he knows that it’s his fault that they’re distant.

            Before they leave the reception, Joonmyun catches Jongin’s hand. “Have you thought about…”

            Jongin nods.

            “And?” Joonmyun looks so hopeful it hurts. But Jongin turns away, and Joonmyun drops his hand.

            A couple weeks later, Jongin is in his office at the hospital, during his break, when Yixing walks in the door.

            “Are you on break?” When Jongin nods, Yixing sits down across from Jongin and hands him a yellow envelope.

            “What’s this?”

            “See for yourself.”

            Jongin opens the envelope and finds…pictures. Pictures from Yixing’s wedding reception. Most of them are random shots of the guests having a good time. Jongin puts the pictures down. “I don’t see why you’re showing me these.”

            Yixing makes an impatient noise. “Keep looking.”

            Jongin does, and one picture catches his eye. It’s a picture of him and Joonmyun, sitting at the table. They’re laughing at something one of them said, but Jongin can’t remember. But the expressions on their faces are so light and carefree; it’s how Jongin wants to feel.

            He looks up hesitantly at Yixing. “Can I…keep this?”

            Yixing nods and smiles. “I was waiting for you to find it.”

            Jongin bites his lip before he says, “Thanks.”

            Yixing puts the rest of the pictures back in the envelope. “Anytime.”

            Right before Yixing walks out the door, Jongin says, “Wait, Yixing.” When he turns, Jongin says, “Congratulations. On getting married. I don’t think I told you at the reception.”

            Yixing smiles. “Thanks. I’m lucky to have her.”

            Jongin laughs. “She’s the one that’s lucky. Lucky to have you.”

            When Jongin has a Ph.D in cardiovascular surgery and stops modeling altogether, Joonmyun is a full time actor. Jongin has seen the movies he’s acted in; he has seen the kisses shared between him and female actresses. Jongin likes to pretend that he’s not jealous, but deep down, he knows that he is.

            Jongin finds time to go to one of Joonmyun’s movie’s premier. It’s halfway across the world, so he calls Kris to arrange a plane ticket. He gets on the plane feeling like a nervous wreck, and gets off the plane feeling like an even more nervous wreck. Joonmyun knows he’s coming, and so does the press. They’re everywhere with the cameras and Jongin remembers when he used to model. He grits his teeth and ignores them as much as he can, but it’s hard to completely block out the bright flashes and clamoring voices.

            He doesn’t see Joonmyun before the premier, because all the actors involved in the movie are at a press conference. Jongin reaches into the pocket of the suit and feels the picture of them at Yixing’s wedding and relaxes, just a fraction.

            When Joonmyun walks out on the red carpet, Jongin feels his heart beating, loud and fast. Joonmyun looks around the crowd, and his eyes come to a stop on Jongin. Jongin smiles a little and waves, and Joonmyun’s face lights up. The cameras start clicking and reporters start shooting out questions, so Joonmyun’s gaze doesn’t stay on Jongin.

            Later, Joonmyun finds Jongin in a dressing room.

            “I didn’t think you were really going to come.” Joonmyun doesn’t see that Jongin is holding the picture of them between his hands.

            “I didn’t want to miss this, so I didn’t.” Joonmyun smiles, his eyes crinkling, because he recognizes the words.

            “Why are you here, Jongin?”

            “To see you at your movie premier.”

            “No, I meant, why are you really here?”

            Jongin hands him the picture. Before Joonmyun can react, he says, “I think…I think I’m ready.”

~~~

hold onto the rim when the waters begin to spill

until the world rounds the next turn.

-Kathleen Hunkele Schardin
 

~~~

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