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Walking alone at the sidewalk heading home after running an errand for my mom, and coincidentally he was walking on the same sidewalk towards me with a girl beside him. Pretty and skinny, that's a way to describe her as I secretly scan her from head to toe. Really his type and there is no way I can beat her. I tried averting my eyes away, so he won't see me looking at them.

We are now walking 5 steps away from each other. My heart started beating faster, louder and harder. One foot away from each other, I looked up and smiled at him, expecting him to answer it with another one. But my heart started to crack, I can almost hear it. It was like a jackhammer drilling a road. It was painful. My expectations were crushed when that smile- the smile that gave me strength, the one I've been missing, the one I've been waiting to see, that smile. It never came. Instead, to my dismay, a cold expression and eyes that reflected anonymity was given.

I was shocked. T-T-That was the first time that I saw that expression.

I stopped on my track, eyes wide, in daze. Mouth tightly shut, quivering. Heart beating hard inside my chest with the most painful effect. That was unexpected. I looked back at them. He was laughing, like the way he laugh when I did something silly or when he teases me. I felt something burst inside of me, I felt jealous. His hand made its way up to the girl's waist. I shut my eyes; left hand curling into fist while the right one made its way up, clutching the left side of my chest, hoping it'll help ease the pain. I slowly turned away from their direction. Biting my lower lip.

Breath in, breath out. Everything's going to be okay. He gave you that look maybe because he was with someone. Don't think about it, it's okay. Everything will be back to normal.

I tried convincing myself, but damn, who the am I kidding. Everything, every single thing won't be back. I tried it again, then again, then again, then again, again, then again, until someone bumped onto my shoulder waking me up. I finally opened my eyes and started walking.

I reached my house. As I enter the gate, every step I took, memories kept flooding back and I have no control of it. I look at my right where a big tree grew throughout the years was planted. Suddenly I saw two people decorating the big tree and the bushes in the small garden.

The small bushes and trees that once colored green that blossomed on spring and temporarily died down in fall was now all covered with snow. Breeze turned icy cold. Winter. Yes it was winter, although it's cold, went outside and does what my mom asked us.

"Hey, can you put this around that branch?"  I asked him and he nodded then proceeded to do the favor that I asked. After he was done he went to decorate another bush.

 

"Come on~" I called. "Can you help me put this star on top? I don't know what to do." I pouted. He took his time walking, smiling; he looked up to me and glared at him. He chuckled.

 

"Hey~ no need to glare at me... I'm here already. Now what do you want me to do?" he said to me as he gaze at me with a soft look. 

 

He went and again helped me with the small tree. I smiled at him as thanks then walked inside the house and pulled out a ladder. He followed me with his eyes.

Setting the ladder into what looks like a random place to put, I climbed on it. Two big Christmas balls in my hands, one colored in red, the other silver. He gave me weird glances from time to time as I hanged it on one of the branch and he put finishing touches on our masterpieces.

When I finished I walked down the ladder and looked up proudly. He walked to me and stood beside me.

"Why are they hanging beside each other?" He asked "There are lots of branches and the tree doesn't have anything except for those things" He continued. I slapped him in his shoulder then pouted. He gave me a What-is-wrong-with-you look. I turned and looked back the Christmas balls, I smiled.

"That represents us." I felt him looked at me, "The red one is you, and the silver is me. As long as we're together. I am fine. I can do it. I can survive. You know that you're the only person I trust right?"

He walked behind me and draped his arms over my shoulder then leaned his head on it. "Yes, I know." he whispered.

As I continued walking, I didn't realize that tears were falling until I was in front of our door. I fixed my already neat clothes and wiped my tear stained face. I took the key out and unlocked the door.

"I'm home" I said; loud enough for who is in the room. Luckily, no one was home. I climbed up the stairs and walked to my room. It was filled with him. Things he bought for me. Pictures that we took together. Images of him; walking, sitting. EVERYTHING. Reminds me of him, and it really hurts. TOO MUCH OF HIM.

I dumped my bag under the mirror and went and sat on my bed. My arms snaking around my legs. My head resting on my knees. Fighting back tears..

"HEY! What are you doing?" He walked in my room and saw me on my study table, drawing. I looked up.

 

"Isn't it obvious? I'm drawing?" I answered sarcastically as I continued what I was doing. He snorted. Then snatched my notebook. Almost tearing it.

"Pfsh! what is this, an alien?" He teased, as he raised it up, tilting it in every way possible. His face also contorting in every way possible. It was so funny. So I started to giggle. He looked at me, almost glaring.

"What are you giggling about?" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Nothing!" I said then stood up and reached for the notebook. "Now give that back." As I sit back and continued sketching, he went and lay on my bed. I looked at him and he has his eyes closed. I tilted my head, and then eventually rested it in my hand which was also resting on my study table.

"Draw me." He said, out of nowhere, waking me up.

"What?!" I asked in a faked surprised voice.

"I said, draw me." He said, words flowing out of his mouth slowly. Eyes still closed.

"Why?" I asked innocently. Now going back to sketching.

"What do you mean why? You always draw girls, and you're a GUY!" He said sitting up. I glared at him.

"So what if I like drawing girls? Is that so bad?" I snapped; feeling offended on what he said. He sighed, walked to me, and then pulled me up. Putting his hands in my waist, hugging me.

"I'm sorry" He whispered, head resting on my shoulder. I shivered, unknowingly, tears starting to fill my eyes for some odd reason. He pulled away as I looked down. He tilted my head up. Eyes worried.

"Hey! I'm sorry I didn't mean it." He bends his knees a little, making our eye levels even. Hands reaching my face, wiping the dripping tears. "Stop crying, I was kidding. I'm sorry okay?" He cooed. Kissing my forehead. The spot feels hot. Burning. Hands sliding down my arms, gripping lovingly on my hands. 

"Let's go downstairs... Everyone's already there." He said, pulling me towards the door, heading down, the house.

Now tears really started flowing. It hurts. I even feel numb now. Almost reaching insensitivity. I lifted my head up, tilting it to the left, and then rested it on my knees. I was faced by what I drew. It was him, it doesn't look like him. It was a figure of a man laid on his back with the most peaceful and handsome expression I've ever seen. *sigh* damn it, he is perfect.

There we were sitting on the couch like a boss, not thinking about what the others think. My legs resting on his lap as his thumbs danced across the Xbox controller. He was playing one of those sports video game again and as I happily my second lollipop.

 

I was watching his avatar run all around the T.V. screen, then his character died. He hissed. My eyes slowly went to him. I watched how his face contorts into different expressions. It was amusing.

 

I was peacefully fiddling the remote until his avatar won. He sat up in happiness making me roll of the couch; I fell on my face, bumping my elbow on the coffee table. He realized what he did.

 

"! Are you okay?" he immediately knelt down and inspects me.

 

"Do I look okay?" I snapped at him. "Ouuuchhh~ my nose~" I whined. Then I glared at him. "This is your entire fault!"

"WHAT! How is it my fault?" He said. With that I started to tear up and he began to panic

"Okay... Okay... I'm sorry. Don't cry~ "He comforted with his gentle expression.

I want it back. I want us back. But I know it's impossible. He's fading away. We already drifted apart.

 

What's done is done and can't be undone.

 

I pulled my legs closer and buried my head deeper. I can't do this anymore.

 

I can't...

 

I can't...

 

I can't...

 

I took a deep breath, looked up and stretched my leg. I wiped the tears out of my cheeks. Standing up, I looked out of the window.

Thick dark clouds slowly covering the bright sun and the lively sky. Crows cawing.

 

Dogs barking. It was a depressing sight.

 

I started to walk to our bathroom. Switching on the lights, Opened the drawers, hoping to find what I was looking for. And there it was, peacefully sitting beside the razors. I grabbed one of them, removed the package and held it in my hand. Its shiny body is perfect. Its sharp edges make me happy. I inspected it for a while then smiled to myself.

 

I held it on one edge, inching closer to my left arm. I dragged it slowly across the said arm. Slowly the first initials of his name are carved in my skin.

 

I smiled, never thought that the sight of blood makes me feel happy. All my bad thoughts slowly disappear.

 

I held to my wrist, the cut is deep and I was feeling so happy. I laughed. Slowly slashing the skin on my wrist deeper. More blood flowing out. Slowly dripping on the bathroom's white tiles.

 

"...... YOU OKAY?? OPEN THE DOOR!"

 

My sight started to get blurry. I think someone called me. Where is it from? Something was banging on the door, I tried moving my body. The blurriness getting worst and worst. And slowly my view became black.

 

I opened my eyes, I was on a... on a... Paradise?

 

I have no other words to describe the place. Flower bed before me, Tall lively tree behind me. It is a peaceful place. I walked to the tree, sat and leaned on it. I stared on the view before me. It was perfect. My eyes began to flutter close. Until...

 

"Hey! Can you wake up? Why aren't waking up?"

 

Slowly, my eyes began to flutter open. Brightness welcomed me. My eyes began to adjust. Then there, I saw him... smiling sweetly at me.

 

"Hi! How are you?" He said, I answered him with a smile, eyes began to water. Happy that he is here.

 

He really IS here.

 

But then the smile began to drop.

 

He's fading!

 

He's fading...

 

NOOO... I tried reaching for him but failed.

 

Tears began to drop, then I began to realize...

 

He's really gone..