Gikwang thinks about Dongwoon a lot more than he cares to admit to himself. There are twenty four hours in a day, and Gikwang sleeps for about three out of those twenty four hours. So out of twenty one hours out of all of his days, he must think about Dongwoon in at least three different intervals during each one.

He doesn't realise this and slap himself though, he just catches himself and it's strange. It's strange because he's absolutely piss drunk and on top of somebody he'd met approximately fifteen minutes ago and he's thinking of Dongwoon, of all people. He doesn't remember their name, can barely see their face, but he knows he's on top of a woman because the noises she's making are enough to cause him an aneurism if he's not careful.

The last he'd seen of Dongwoon was last week, just for the usual. Wham, bam, thank you and goodnight. He never leaves Dongwoon afterwards though, and he tells himself a lot that it's because he has a awesome bed and Gikwang sleeps better in it. Dongwoon's house, and bed, just have a good vibe. Dongwoon's body and his voice have a good vibe, too. Gikwang likes that.

He has no idea where he is this time, just like last time, and the time before that. He meets a pretty face, and goes wherever they're willing to take him. His step brother, Yoseob, no longer speaks to him because of this, and when he does, Gikwang gets the usual "so you're still alive then?" and doesn't bother to call him back for another few months. 

Gikwang sometimes wishes he wasn't alive, too. He doesn't really have friends, can't keep them for . Dongwoon is the closest thing he's ever had to a friend and that's only because Dongwoon is shy and reserved and wouldn't bother ask questions. Dongwoon would never ask why Gikwang leaves and then shows up out of nowhere again weeks upon weeks later. He never asks why Gikwang doesn't text, nothing. He makes him feel like he's worth something for the night and then that's it. That's all Gikwang sometimes needs.

He doesn't kiss Dongwoon, and he doesn't know why his body refuses to allow it to happen, because his lips are currently fused to someone else's. Someone who isn't Dongwoon, and he doesn't feel anxious about it. It's just reflex to kiss back, but with Dongwoon, he doesn't know if he could do it. 

Dongwoon gives Gikwang looks that make him uncomfortable, looks that he's never seen in his direction before. Soft, round eyes, open and welcoming and there's trust there. Trust that Gikwang doesn't deserve, because he's not trustworthy. He hurts people like it's his job, sometimes he doesn't mean it, but sometimes he does. Kissing Dongwoon would be a bad idea.

He touches her body instead, runs his hands over her curves, hears her crying out anything but his name because she doesn't know it and for the first time, Gikwang actually feels a little dirty. He feels as though he's betraying somebody, like he's cheating and hurting somebody by being in her… presence. His kisses become slower and more forced with this realisation, her noises causing a knot to form inside his stomach. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's his conscience. A conscience he didn't know he even possessed until now. 

A claustrophobic feeling comes over Gikwang, and he silently prays for her to be done soon so that he can leave. He doesn't know where he wants to go, but he doesn't want to be touched anymore, he doesn't want to touch anymore tonight.

So, before she's even managed to come down from her euphoria, Gikwang is off her and stumbling around the room in search of his clothes. She's asking where he's going, and he's ignoring her in fear of throwing up all over the floor if he opens his mouth. He doesn't dress himself as well as he did the first time tonight, but he's covered well enough as he uses the walls to prop himself up on his way out. 

The cool air outside blows his hair in every which direction, drying his sweat, making him dizzier than he already was. It's almost two in the morning, he finds out, when he situates himself on the edge of a park bench, watching the trees sway in the silence as he pulls up the message screen on his phone.

He wants to be in Dongwoon's bed, he wants to be next to Dongwoon until this feeling goes away. If it ever will. Dongwoon's a safe place, if anything could take away the nausea and the… sudden conscience, it's him.

To: DongWoon

1:58am

dongwoonie

He taps send and slumps backwards into the bench, covering his face with his palm. His thoughts feel like a whirlwind of drunken mess, and the only clear image he can grasp onto is Dongwoon, Dongwoon, Dongwoon.

Maybe he likes him more than he thinks, maybe it's the all the he guzzles and takes on a daily basis that's made him soft for the kid.

From: DongWoon

2:01am

Hyung, it's 2am? Do you need me to pick you up?

Gikwang bites into his lower lip, eyebrows drawing together into a frown. He'd probably been sleeping. Dongwoon's concern had always been there since the night Gikwang had tried to climb him like a tree in the bathrooms of a club he'd long since forgotten the name to.

All the times Gikwang texted, no matter how few and far between, Dongwoon always answers within five minutes. Dongwoon brings him food in the morning whenever he stays the night, Dongwoon helps him into the shower when he's too drunk to walk, Dongwoon always, always leaves an aspirin behind if Gikwang's still asleep when he goes to work.

Dongwoon treats Gikwang like he's human, and that's all Gikwang ever really wanted, yet he pushes the boy away and pulls him closer again like it's a game. Dongwoon's still never complained, not even once.

Gikwang puffs his cheeks out, sighing loudly and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, head bowed. Suddenly, on top of the conscience, there's guilt. Maybe Dongwoon does actually--

From: DongWoon

2:06am

Gikwang-ah? Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay.

Love Gikwang.

Maybe he does love Gikwang after all. Yoseob had told him once or twice that people don't look at their buddies like that, but he'd brushed it off. Maybe he's been blind this whole time, maybe he's been a complete ing idiot.

There's no maybe about it, he has been a complete ing blind idiot.

He lets out a few unintelligible noises.

It explains so much, when he thinks about it in a different light. Explains the look on Dongwoon's face whenever Gikwang refuses his lips, explains the way Dongwoon talks over him whenever he attempts to brag about a night he's had, explains why it feels like Dongwoon's always waiting and expecting Gikwang to say something, to say something he doesn't know the script for. Maybe Dongwoon's waiting for a miracle, for an I love you, maybe it was time to try?

Try what… settle down? Date?

From: DongWoon

2:13am

Where are you? Woonie's gonna come get you, okay? Just tell me where you are.

Perhaps he can… date Dongwoon? The thought itself is weird, but not the bad type of weird. The weird where it twists Gikwang's stomach uncomfortably, like he wants to hope but is subconsciously squashing it out of habit. Could he really handle being taken care of the way Dongwoon does it, every day? Could he even kiss Dongwoon? Maybe that's why he hadn't already… maybe he'd become to attached if he tasted Dongwoon's lips even once.

Gikwang supposes that it's too late anyway, he supposes that kissing Dongwoon couldn't make him any more attached than he already is. Thinking of Dongwoon at approximately three different intervals every hour is what Gikwang classes as being too attached to a person, and sometimes he even goes over three times and blends it into one long hour of pure thoughts.

From: DongWoon

2:20am

Please, hyung.

Please, Dongwoon, he thinks in response, sighing out loud as his eyelids droop tiredly. He's tired, he doesn't want to fight himself anymore, he doesn't want to fight his thoughts and he doesn't want to touch people anymore, tonight just confirmed that. He was just doing it because of routine, he hasn't been into it for a long time. A long time being since around the moment Dongwoon began to exist in his world.

To: DongWoon

2:25am

plesase conme and get me im at the park

To: DongWoon

2:26am

i just want you right now

And tomorrow, and the next day. 

And maybe the next.

From: DongWoon

2:26am

I'll be right there.