“D… Dong… hae…”

 

“Hyukkie… Hyukkie!!”

 

“HYUKKIE!!! HYUKKIE!!!!!!”

 

……

 

“HYUKKIE!!!!!!!”

 

4 in the morning.

 

I’m sweating. I’m panting.

 

Your name is echoing in the room.

 

A cold breeze makes me shudder. Looking out the window I see raindrops falling.

 

The digital clock blinks in the gloomy room.

 

It’s 4:01 in the morning, on the 4^th of April.

 

Today is your birthday.

 

Taking a deep breath I settle my eyes on my only hope – your smile frozen in a photo frame – like sunshine locked in a glacier…

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

……

 

“Donghae you look tired today.” Opposite me, eyeing me with concern, Siwon says.

 

I smile, weakly. “I’m alright.” Having said that, tiredness like sticky, muddy stream washes over me. I shake my head, trying to cast it away. I fail.

 

“The pasta is not good? Come on this is the best Italian restaurant in town. Would you like a coffee?” Siwon frowns and asks.

 

Gently I shake my head. “Thanks Siwon. I’m not hungry.”

 

Looking down I see the spaghetti in front of me left untouched; and the glass of orange juice beside it. Shifting my eyes I see a fork in my right hand and a spoon in my left hand. They don’t feel like mine.

 

Raising my head, looking around I see people, a lot of people occupying all tables in the restaurant. I start to hear noises. People talking, laughing, chuckling. Sounds of forks scratching plates, knifes rubbing against meat, spoons hitting coffee cups… I don’t feel I’m here.

 

I feel like I’m watching a movie.

 

Maybe all these are not real…? Maybe it’s just a dream…? Maybe I’m dreaming!

 

“Donghae torturing yourself wouldn’t help.” The calm tone of Siwon pierces into my ears, like a cold needle. The bubble dream bursts.

 

I stare at Siwon, with hollow eyes. I nod.

 

That’s the cruelest part.

 

I’d carry all burdens on earth onto my shoulders…

 

I’d willingly embrace all possible pain…

 

I’d drain all my tears and blood…

 

I’d wholeheartedly offer my life without hesitation…

 

If only I can see Hyukkie happy again…

 

If only…

 

If only…

 

The cruelest part is there’s nothing I can do. Torturing myself? Am I?

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

Right…?

 

……

 

3 in the afternoon. I start to regret leaving the spaghetti untouched during lunch. There’s a meeting 30 mins later. Quickly I rush down from the office to grab something from Starbucks. On my way back I gulp everything down my throat.

 

The next moment I find myself sitting in a corner of a grand meeting room, my fingers swiftly typing a melody into the laptop echoing the syllables from different participants with varying pitches and volumes. My mind doesn’t comprehend the syllables. Yet my fingers do.

 

Time flickers past. The next image enters my head. It’s named Microsoft Powerpoint. I am sitting at my desk keying in incomprehensible phrases and drawing fancy diagrams.

 

The clock hits 6. My body acts on its own.

 

Start à Shut Down

 

My thumb presses a button. The monitor blinks and goes black.

 

I am detached from the chair and am walking past the office’s glass doors.

 

I squeeze myself into the lift and am suffocated for a little while.

 

I’m out.

 

I’m in a cake shop called “Strawberry Princess”.

 

“Donghae oppa. How’s your day?”

 

I smile, weakly. “Thanks Nina. It’s alright.”

 

Nina looks at me for some time, before she turns to fetch the strawberry cake I ordered. “Here it is Donghae oppa. I’ve put more strawberries. I’m sure Hyukjae oppa would like it.”

 

I nod. “Many Thanks Nina. Thank you.”

 

……

 

Room 415.

 

I clasp the door handle in my hand.

 

“Donghae oppa?”

 

I turn around. It’s Mina.

 

“Hello Mina.”

 

Mina’s eyes widen. “Donghae oppa! You look… Take good care of yourself! Please! He wouldn’t want to see you like this!”

 

I nod. “I will Mina. Thank you.”

 

……

 

I’m in the room.

 

I see you. I smile.

 

You have not changed.

 

I put the strawberry cake onto the little table and light the candles. The candle flames cast onto your face, the most beautiful face in the whole world to me.

 

“Happy birthday Hyukkie…” I take your hand.

 

I know when our hands touch; memories would hit me like a thunderbolt.

 

I gasp. I tremble.

 

Ever since that moment, I have problems registering things in my head. My life is like fragmented video clips playing in front of me.

 

Memories with you until that moment… remain vivid, so vivid they occupy every single corner in my brain, which can remember nothing else. Nothing else.

 

……

 

We’re travelling in a train, to Mokpo.

 

You’re in my arms. Your head was resting on my chest.

 

It’s dusk time. Both of us were staring out the window of our compartment, awed by the hands of wonder that painted such a perfect combination of hues, red and orange and blue and purple, on the sky.

 

It’s very quiet. I could hear our hearts beat. I could hear our breathing, so calm and smooth. It’s all so peaceful… so beautiful…

 

You’re so beautiful.

 

Tenderly I your hair. You raised your head to look at me. We smiled at each other.

 

Your smile was like sunshine. It captured my eyes. It warmed my heart. I felt so blessed.

 

“Hyukkie…”

 

Speaking your name, my tongue tasted honey.

 

Tightening my hug I breathed in your scent. I just couldn’t help it. I said. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too Donghae…”

 

……

 

It’s an overnight train. The night grew deep. I kissed you goodnight before I switched off the light.

 

It’s the last time I saw you smile.

 

Loud bangs like trumpets signaled the end of the world, at least the end of my world.

 

Noises. Screams. Cries.

 

The world shook. Merciless hands tossed and crushed the train.

 

Thunders. Explosions.

 

Unceasing clanks.

 

Silence.

 

Moans. Weeps.

 

Jolted breathing.

 

Darkness. Horror.

 

Pain.

 

Smell of blood.

 

Fluster.

 

“Hyukkie!”

 

I couldn’t see you. I extended my arms. My bones were fractured. I heard them.

 

I felt you. No that couldn’t be you. My fractured bones were playing tricks. That couldn’t be you!

 

“D… Dong… hae…”

 

I felt sticky liquid so hot, so thick keep flowing out…

 

I felt the liquid seeping through my fingers…

 

I felt the shivering hand in mine slowly, cruelly get weak, get cold…

 

“Hyukkie… Hyukkie!!”

 

Time came to stand still… when I didn’t hear any reply…

 

“HYUKKIE!!! HYUKKIE!!!!!!”

 

Desperately I grasped your hand.

 

Desperately I screamed your name through my throat, through my tears.

 

Desperately I cried out in my head.

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

……

 

Now I’m holding your hand. Every pulse, every stream of warmth I feel, is so precious to me.

 

Admiringly I look at your face. You have not changed a bit.

 

You’re so beautiful.

 

Lovingly I trace your cheek and jawline with my fingers. At the end my fingers reach your lips.

 

If only I can see you smile again…

 

To me, ever since that moment…

 

Time stops flowing.

 

The sun never comes out.

 

Spring refuses to arrive.

 

You’re sleeping. So am I.

 

I’m still waiting to see the sunshine.

 

I always imagine. I always hope.

 

When you open your eyes and look at me, the moment your lips curl to form the most charming smile again, it will be like the long awaited glimpse of sunlight… is finally seen… at the end of the most terrible and chilly winter.

 

I always imagine.

 

Hyukkie…

 

It’s been 10 years already.

 

It’s time to wake up.

 

Hyukkie…

 

Wake up.

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

……

 

I’m back home. Our home.

 

Outside it’s still raining.

 

On the glass door leading to the balcony, there’s a layer of mist.

 

I see my index finger writing.

 

Hyukkie.

Happy Birthday.

Saranghae.

Everything’s gonna be alright.

 

The moment will come. The sun will shine one day.

 

I’m still waiting. Tears are still flowing.

 

Yet…

 

Everything’s gonna be alright…

 

 

-------------------

A/N: My 1st one-shot. What do you think? Do let me know OK? That helps me a lot!!!

A/N2: Sorry guys I'm still in hiatus. Something not v good happened so... I hope the dark clouds go away in 2 months' time. It's good for writing angst though... And I will try to find time to work on the stories. THANK YOU ALL!!!