I watched at him from the sidelines. I watched him finish late last note, and when the whole school cheered as he took a bow. He wrote that song, and he sang it. It was a legend, just like I told him it would be. He really was so talented. So talented, so beautiful. There was no other words to describe him. My best friend was beautiful. He was so beautiful.

 

He hopped off stage and the screaming people, and went to me. I had the bottle of water ever since he left the stage, waiting his arrival like a dog waiting for his master. He looked at me gratefully before chugging the whole thing down. I didn’t even complain. He had performed for the entire school for two whole hours nonstop. I just laughed at him and said jokingly, “If you do that any longer you’re gonna drown yourself.”

 

“I’d rather do that than die of thirst,” he replied. He’d already drained the whole bottle in 30 seconds. “Have another one with you?”

 

That’s what he always said, but I knew him so well. I passed him the other one on the table beside me. I knew him too well to know that he’d ask for another, probably a third if he was that drained out, which I kept safely with me all the time. I was always prepared for things like these. That’s because we’ve been friends for such a long time.

 

What it pained me was I loved him for the whole time.

 

I’ve never admitted it to him. I knew he’d never accept me. We are “just friends”. And “just friends” always stay as “just friends”. It never changes between us. Yet I’d always tried to get the chance to really say “I love you”. I’m always looking out for that opportunity. It never came.

 

“One day, I’m telling you,” I said, “you’re going to be a star. Seriously.”

 

“I want to be, but no way I could,” he said, halfway down the second bottle of water. He took a few deep breaths then looked at me, grinning. “Okay, so there might be that little possibility—”

 

“Possibility my foot,” I said, grinning back at him, although my heart did a backflip and a handspring at the sight of his trademark y smile. “You sing so well. And don’t try not admitting it. Everyone loves your voice, and I know one day you’re going to be up there on a worldwide stage with people all around you screaming your name like this, ‘JONGHYUN OPPA! JONGHYUN OPPA! OMO HE LOOKED AT ME!!! OMO OMO OMO!!!!!!’ I did a failed imitation of a fangirl and he started laughing he spilled some water onto the floor.

 

But we didn’t care one bit. I kept on pretending, and he kept on laughing at me pretending. It was a memory to remember. A funny one, to be exact. I wished I could go on and hear him laugh at me forever, but finally, I stopped, grinned, and said, “Well, that was tiring.” It was. Being a fangirl must be almost as tiring as being an idol.

 

He passed me the bottle of water he was drinking. “Take it, then.”

 

I gave it back to him. “Oh no, Mr Superstar, you’re drinking it. You’re even more tired than me. Come on, I know you’re tired. Don’t try to not admit.” I could see he was going to argue back, but I pouted at him. That worked. He shut his mouth and rolled his eyes at me.

 

“You know me too well,” he said. “So not fair.”

 

I gave him a mehrong, and he mehronged back. I gave him the ultimate mehrong, the one my baby brother always gave me every time I took away his banana milk. He knew, of course, he’d seen my brother before. “How old are you, exactly?” he asked me jokingly. I knew what he meant, I didn't take any offense. I never take offense in anything he says.

 

“Hm … seventeen and a half. Going to be eighteen two months and eight days,” I said in my baby brother’s innocent voice.

 

He rolled his eyes. “Don’t go smart on me.”

 

“I’m always smart, you pabo.”

 

“I know you are smart. You're like the smartest person in the whole grade! I know you as well as you know me. I mean, come on, we’re friends. We’re supposed to know this.”

 

We’re friends. I want us to be more than friends.

 

But that would never happen.

 

I’d never get the chance. He’s just too … talented. Too amazing. Too …

 

Too beautiful.

 

I wanted to say something funny as a comeback, but then I realized he’d gotten quiet. He usually wasn’t that quiet, even after his performances, which tired him out a lot. I looked at him, a little worried. Was something wrong? Did I say something wrong? Me saying something wrong was one of the worst nightmares. You still want to be friends with me, right? That word always burned at the back of my mind every night, and the next night I would ask myself that question again and again.

 

It was the farthest I could go. I loved him, but I can’t admit it to him. So the only thing I could do was be friends. It hurt as much, but at least I got to see him more often, right?

 

Was something wrong, though? I really wondered that. I didn’t want him to be quiet. It meant something was wrong. And, being a good friend, I went over to his side. We said nothing at first. I just looked around myself, humming a little. Then, I finally asked, “You want to tell me something, Jjong?”

 

He looked at me and nodded. “I just—I just wondered if … if I really do become a star when I grow up … I mean, it’s just a possibility, it might not happen—”

 

“Get to the point, Bling Bling,” I interrupted, and I felt a pang of guilt when he looked down sadly again. “I’m—sorry if I said anything bad or something—”

 

“You did nothing,” he said. “You’re right. I rant off too much. I require too much attention.”

 

“You do not require too much attention!”

 

He looked at me, his eyes shining with sarcasm.

 

“Fine. Sometimes you do. But you’re quiet now, and that’s not normal for you, so … continue.”

 

“I just thought … if I did …  did become an idol …” He sighed. I looked at him curiously, waiting for the answer. I wanted to help him. He was down, and I wanted him to be happy. Isn't that what friends do?

 

“… Will you still be my best friend?”

 

That question caught me off guard. “Wh-What? Of COURSE. Wh-Why wouldn’t I be your best friend? I mean, we’re going to be best friends forever!”

 

The pain came to me again. Best friends forever. Just best friends. Why couldn’t it be something more? Why?

 

But I didn’t say anything. Instead, I just looked at him with a slight smile, to say I was okay and definitely not going to cry for any matter. “Look at us, “ I continued. “We’ve been friends for so long! No matter what happens, we’re always there for each other. In fact, I will make sure we’ll be best friends forever and ever. Even if you move away to another school I’ll make sure we will keep in touch, okay? Okay, pabo?”

 

Each word that left my lips was like another big crack on my heart. I will make sure we’ll be best friends forever and ever. I couldn’t believe I was actually saying this. It was like betraying myself. I loved him. How could I be best friends with someone I love? No one could survive such conditions.

 

I could already feel myself breaking apart.

 

He looked at me more gratefully than he’d ever did. “Thanks. I really mean it. I really do. I just …” He sighed. “Let’s not talk about it now, okay? I—I just want to say I want to be your friend. Your very best friend. Forever.”

 

I couldn’t say anything. My heart broke. I was disappearing.

 

He looked at the stage one more time, the sad face he just had a few minutes ago now gone. Instead, his jokey personality was back. “Hey,” he said, “I’m gonna give an encore, okay? Wait for me,” he told me, before racing out to the stage.

 

I didn’t even hear the crowd scream and shout. I couldn’t even hear the sound of his voice on the microphone, saying, “This is dedicated to my best friend, my very best friend, who has been there even before I started singing …” All I could hear was my heart breaking into a million pieces and then blown away by the invisible wind around me. The tears in my eyes stung so badly, and only three words were glued to my mind, which were being repeated over and over again as I stared at nothing, not moving an inch from where I was before.

 

Beautiful. He was beautiful. That was a no-brainer. Everyone knew this. But no one would agree more than me. Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful. That was the first word stuck in my mind.

 

But then I remembered.

 

Just friends. I was just friends. Nothing else. He said nothing else.

 

The cracks in my heart grew bigger and bigger.

 

Just friends. I didn’t want to be just friends. I love him. I love you so much. You’re beautiful. I love you.

 

I just want to say I want to be your friend. Your very best friend.

 

That was the biggest crack of all.