Mine & Ours

            Today was the same. We were together, yet not really together. It has always been the same. We have never really been able to connect with one another. It's sad really, considering how long we've been together. Knowing the two of us today will be like tomorrow, which was like yesterday, which will be like today. All in all, the two of us should stop this before either one of us is hurt, although it may be too late for that.
            Why did we end up like this? When we first started the feelings and everything was there, yet why now, after this time has passed? If it was to be this way, why didn't we find out earlier, before we got in so deep? Tell me, you who was once in love me, what went wrong with the two of us?
            Like others out in the world, we were in love, yet after time has passed and our trues sides were exposed, not even love could conquer our differences. To my once sweet loving wife, I have some things to say. Firstly, I am sorry. There were many lines which I crossed, even though I shouldn't have. However, I can safely say that I wasn't the only one who did so. You were just as good as I was at pushing and crossing the boundary. Secondly, I must thank you. To think that even after my shortcomings were revealed, you stayed with me despite these. Oh how much must I thank you for this. There isn't a day that goes by where my gratitude towards you overflows. Finally, I must tell you. I am not the only man in the world. This means both in terms of actual numbers and also to habits. I am not the only man in the world that has kept his secrets secret.
            Even though I've said that, when it comes to women, you too are not the only one in the world, and sadly, it's not only in terms of numbers that this applies to you as well. You're not the only woman in the world who has kept things form her husband. However, it must be mentioned, while I am aware that what I did to you would most definitely have left some lasting scars, the same is true for me. All that you kept from me has also left me in pain. I hope that you are able to understand this. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you're the only one hurting. When you meet another man you should realise this. He too maybe hiding some pain or something even more secret within him.
            Yet although it may not sound this way, it is my sincere wish that you are able to find another man who is able to love you in a way in which I myself was unable to. I too hope that you wish the same for me, despite what I have done to you, as I do for you despite what you have done me.
            Please keep this in mind as you leave; while you may not believe it, I did in fact love you.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~       
            Today marks the first month without you here with me. It marks the first time I have been without you for so long, for one extended period of time. From what I have realised thus far. It is obvious to me that there have been some decisions in my life that I have now recently discovered that I regret. Had I known leaving you like this would have caused me this much pain, then I should have tried fixing it. I should have tried to forgive what you did, considering what I did to you would have hurt you just the same.
            Why couldn't I have realised earlier that my life was only able to retain the quality it had when you were around? Sadly, it appears that I am now able to add another to my rapidly growing list of mistakes in life.
            I hope you too feel something similar to me, so that I know that my suffering is in vain. So I know that you too realise I mean this much to you as well. This is now quickly evolved into what is now my greatest wish. I hope to, no, I want to, no, I need to see you again. I need you to know how much you actually mean to me, how much I've come to miss you. However, while I am hoping, it is not a strong one. I am aware that when we parted, you most certainly said that you 'never wanted to see another man who even looked like me in passing, let alone me, the actual person'. I am aware of this, yet I cannot help myself but want. But can you blame me? If you realised how much a person means to you, the hard way as I have, then you are placed in a position where the only thing you want, desperately, is to see them again.
            I'm leaving my, what used to be our, house now and am now desperately running towards where you may be. To be perfectly honest, I haven't the slightest clue where you may be, however I know that if I don't try looking for you then I am afraid that I will lose my sanity. Who would have thought that the old saying 'too much of a good thing' was actually right. After thinking of you so much, I can slowly feel myself gradually losing whatever scraps of sanity that remained after you left. Another thing I realised was held together by you.
            As I'm running, the thought of you calling my name again sends shivers down my spine. Just the mere thought makes me feel as though I've been struck by lightning. It feels as though my nerve endings have been set alight. All I can now think of is you.
            It leaves me wondering; why exactly didn't I realise all of this a lot earlier? Had I done so, then I wouldn't be hurting as I am now. And you wouldn't have been hurt as you were then.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
            Today is the third month during which I have searched for you. It is the fourth month since I have been without you. This is something I am going to change. Today was a landmark day; I discovered something which will help me greatly. A met a man today; he said he had seen you and that he saw the way you were heading. He told me that not only did you live near where I saw him, but that you visited his store every day. Yes, he is the owner of the bar in which you work. When I found him he told me stories of you. He said that four months ago you came to him seeking work. He said that you were looking for a way for you to support yourself since you were newly divorced, and also that you didn't, for the time being, want to be introduced to anyone else. Does this mean that I have a chance if I can find you fast enough?
            He told me that you lived in an old apartment building, which was heavily run down and a little decrepit. He said that the only reason you wanted to be even anywhere near the thing was because it was dirt cheap. He laughed a little when he told me this. He said the look on your face was hilarious, especially considering the fact that we both now you look like someone who has a significant amount of money.
            As his story of you continued, he ended on an interesting note; that you had told him of your former husband. Did you really mean what you said? Do you still believe you have feelings for me despite what I did? He told me that you did and I really do want to believe his words. When I see you, do you mind it if I ask you about it?
            After I listened to the old man's story, I walked down the road past his store and followed it in the direction he told me would lead me to your apartment. I am finally going to see you again. You can't possible imagine how hard my heart is beating at the thought of that. That thought is enough to make me feel as though I may be in need of a defibrillator.
            In the last few steps, there has been something which has caused my heart rate to increase yet again. I can see it, the apartment in which you live. Yet something is wrong. Why do I feel as though I shouldn't see you? Why, when the only thing I've wanted for months is just to see you once again? I guess it just comes down to the fact that I am afraid. Afraid of whether or not you'll be willing to accept me, or will you just ignore me and not want to see me. Either way, I must make a decision.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
            I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't able to convince myself to go and see you. I wasn't able to do it. Why is it so hard for me? After my failed attempt I left. I went to back to my house that was once ours and wept. I wept for my weakness. I wept for my inability to make a decision. But sadly, what I wept the most for was simple. I wept the most for the fact that I made you leave.
            If I had the opportunity to be able to do it all again, then there would be some obvious things I would fix. Chief among them would have been my habits and secrets. I would have fixed and told them and hoped that you would have been able to forgive them. Yet if you had have still committed you mistakes, rather than criticizing you for them, I would have been more willing to listen to you when you asked me to.
            I haven't been back to where you are for five months now. That makes it nine months since I've seen you and it hasn't got any easier. Are you living well without me? Even though I myself am unable to see you because of my own weakness, even still, every day without you it feels as though there is a firing squad constantly doing their duties and executing my sinful self.
            To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder whether you're better off without me around you. I feel as though whenever I'm there with you, it will only end with you in pain and me to blame for it. This was what happened then, and I can't guarantee that it won't happen again.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
            Well, I've lasted longer than I thought I would. It's been a year now, one full year. Twelve months, fifty-two weeks, three-hundred and sixty-five days, that how long it has been. When you say a year, it doesn't really sound as though it has been a long time, yet when you look a little closer, you can see just how long it has been. The same can be said for me. By just looking at me in passing you can't really tell that there is anything wrong, yet when you look a little bit closer, and you can see the finer details, you can see it all over my face, in my darkened eyes, shallower-than-normal cheeks and overall general feeling of sadness that my eyes give off.
            How are you fairing today? Are you any better than I am, because this is what I am hoping for. This is really the only thing that I am actually hoping for. It has become the thing for which I am wishing for, my new greatest hope.
            If I am able to, I would like to, once again see you. However this is something I only want after I am sure that I will be able to let you go. I don't want you to be trapped with me again in another cycle of pain and betrayal. I've realised that if we're together again, all it would end with is pain and betrayal. I won't be able to stop myself, you'll end up in pain, and I'll end up regretting and hurting for what I've done.
            It is due to this that I have come to the conclusion that we are not meant to be, as we so naively said when we were young. It's sad isn't it? We should have realised earlier.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
            Time has been passing faster and faster as the days roll on by. The speed it passes has been increasing exponentially since the day you left. Now it has been five years since I saw you last. Five years since I’ve heard you call my name, to think that I would miss something so simple so much.
            The people around me have been trying to get me to wake up and realise that I need to stop, because I need to move on because you're 'gone'. If only they knew the truth. If only they knew just how much it hurts. But it isn't something I expect them to understand. Are you still doing alright? I think I've been asking you that every day now for five years, but you still haven't answered. Why can't you hear me? Lately it just feels as though I'm only talking to myself, even though I feel as though I'm talking to you.
            For some reason, I feel as though you're doing this on purpose. You're not answering me so that you can make me realise how much you should have meant to me. If this is the case, you can stop now. I understand. I understand it so much that it hurts. Please, can you stop it now? Stop appearing in my head. Every night when I sleep, all I can see is your face that day. The day you left. It was strange how red your face was as we were sitting beside me. Why was the red dripping? Why does this image haunt me so much? Why can't I forget you no matter how hard I try? Can you please just answer me once, it's all I need.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
            They dragged me there today, to the place where you are. Why is it so different from what the old man told me it was? He said you were in an old, decrepit apartment, not a cold, headstone. When they pointed it out, I could only ask, "Why are you pointing towards a rock when you're supposed to be taking me to her?" When I asked this, they could only drop and shake their heads. They keep muttering things under their breath like "he still hasn't realised", and "poor guy still doesn't understand". What haven't I realised? What haven't I understood? If their talking about you, why don't they get on with it and show me where you are?
            After I continued to argue with them about this, they just quietly pointed towards the headstone and told me to read it aloud. And so, I faced towards it and began reading.

Here lies Kim Taeyeon, Wife to Sungyu,
Loving daughter to her Parents,
Loved by her family

Taken from those above far too early,
by the cruelest of fates.

9/3/1989 - 2/4/2012
RIP

            I fell to the ground and wept. What was this supposed to mean? How could you be dead? It feels as though I've been talking to you for all these years. For all these years I've wanted to go back to you, yet now I find out this way that I can't. How am I supposed to accept this? I couldn't was the answer to that question. While I was on the ground, someone knelt down beside me and comforted me. Or at least they tried to do so. I heard them say in my ear, "It was in an accident, you don't have to blame yourself". What did they mean an accident? Was it my fault? What did it mean by 'cruelest of fates'?
            I looked up to where it was written and read it again. Why is it whenever I think about it, that the 'cruelest of fates' refers to me. I wonder if any of them realise that I can't actual remember whatever they are talking about. I mean I didn't even realise that my wife died. Why didn't anyone think it would be a good idea to, you know, at least drop the hint that the wife that I thought had only left me, had actually died.
            But when I think about it, they have. When I think about it, I can see what the problem was. I just couldn't accept it. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that you were no longer around, that you were no longer here. Even so, wherever you are know now, my love, I hope you still realise what I have realised. I still, and will love you and I am sorry for what I did to you.
            After I left where you really were, I walked into my house that was once ours and again collapsed and wept. All I could think of was that this house could never again be ours. It could now only ever be mine. It was something which was too sad for me to able to comprehend.
~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~**~~~~~
                Another month had passed, and I had remembered what had happened that day, the day that you left. Five years and one month ago, we had discovered what the other was hiding. You found out my secret and I did so yours. I discovered you had slept with a friend of mine, and you found out that my first love was the very same friend with which you cheated on me with. When I confronted you about cheating on me you did the same interrogating me on whether I was using you as only a cover. No matter what we may have actually thought, all we could do was continue fighting. That friend came over and tried to help - he said that it was only because the two of you were drunk - but it only made it worse. We could only continue or argument. You said that you've had it and that you were going to leave. I didn't do anything to stop you.
            When you walked out, I instantly started to regret it. I mean, he came over and said it was only because you were both drunk, and you also apologised while crying that you were sorry. Yet all I could hear was your accusation against me. 'Are you only using me as a cover' was ringing through my head. At the start, it may have been something like that, but, as our time together grew longer, and I grew more comfortable with you, I realised that I loved you. My first love may have been a man, but my last love was most definitely you, a woman.
            A few minutes after you had run out, there was a frantic knocking on the front door. It was him. He ran out after you did to try and tell you to stay and talk it out more. What he told me was petrifying. He said you were hit by a car as you were running away. The ambulance was on their way, as he called them, and he told me that it would probably be a good idea if I went out there so I could go with you to the hospital.
            As I ran out to where he said you were, with him trailing slightly behind yelling at me to slow down. I didn't listen and just kept running. When I got closer to where you were, I could see the extent of the accident. You sprawled out on the road with your blood leaving a wound there. As I got closer to you, the tears started falling from my eyes. Your eyes were closed and it looked as though you weren't breathing. When I came and sat next to you, I lifted your head into my arms and held you there, ignoring the blood I could feel gently crying down my legs, running into the pool below. All I could do was cry.
            The ambulance arrived shortly after. They asked me to let go of you so that they would be able to load you into the ambulance. They then asked me whether or not I was coming with you. I didn't bother answering and walked up into the ambulance and sat beside you with my hand entwined with yours. As we were making our way to the hospital, you woke up for a second. What you said left me weeping harder. You told me you were 'sorry' and that you 'would forgive me'. When you said this, I could only cry harder and tell you that I was sorry. You kept  shaking your head, using what little strength you had left to tell me that I didn't need to apologise. After this your eyes closed again.
            When we arrived at the hospital, the doctors rushed towards you and hurried you towards the emergency room. As soon as you entered, the 'operation in progress' sign lit up. It didn't take long for that light to dim. The doctors came out of the operating room and walked towards me with heavy hearts. Before they were uttered, I could hear what they were going to say. But when they actually said that you were dead, it was too much for me. I collapsed in a weeping wreck. They tried to comfort me with 'I'm sorry for your loss' but it didn't really do anything to ease the pain.
            Then you came out, lying on a bed with a white cloth covering you, hiding you from the world. It was then that it all began to sink in, you were gone. I ran away. I couldn't take it anymore. The only thought that was going through my head was that if I had to live without you, I didn't want to live at all.  As I ran, my eyes were drawn to a room. Inside there, I saw something. I picked up the scalpel that was lying on a table in one of the rooms and dragged it across my wrist. After a minute my eyes became heavier. It was then that the doctors came. As my eyes closed, I could feel myself be picked up. And then I felt nothing at all. When I woke up, I couldn't remember you at all. When he came to visit me, I asked him when you were coming to visit me. He just began crying.
            I spent a month in hospital recovering, and was then allowed to go home to the house that was no longer ours but mine. And I think I've already told you what happens after this.
            Now that I can remember everything, there's some things I've realised. First, you probably wouldn't want me to continue this depressed stupor. Second, I still love you and I’m not really sure if that is going to change. And finally, even though it is without you, I still want to live. I hope you don't mind if I come and visit you. I never really got a good opportunity to talk when I was dragged there last time. Hopefully I'll be able to say the things I need to.
            Although it took me a long and hard time to realise how important you were to me, but now that I know, I won't forget. Because even though this house that was once ours is now only mine, it will still be the place where you lived.