It was difficult enough to pretend to be friends...

Yet it was so much more heartbreaking to be strangers with memories instead…

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What was he doing? More importantly, what was she doing? Raising clasped hands together, taking selcas and exchanging playful banter; what exactly had society become?

Trying to be friends with him couldn’t even possibly be considered an option; it was equivalent to capturing a beam of moonlight in the desire of escaping loneliness. A little girl chasing a dream that was too grand to ever be called hers; a smile that held no value—that was who she had become; the both of their attempts to be remote friends were valiant but useless.

One could never erase the past, run, cry and hide from it, but in the end, it’d come back to haunt a regret even worse than the past itself. Trying to just be friends with him was steadily on its way to breaking her heart to pieces so small she couldn’t describe—a heart broken into so many pieces, it seemed to have ceased to exist.

He was moving on, so why couldn’t she?

 The answer could be so obvious to everyone but she, Jessica Sooyeon Jung, had become the sole wielder of masking pain from the world. Not even her beloved dorm mates would ever know how she silently sobbed to herself every night or how she’d jerk awake every few minutes to violent tears streaking down her cheeks—nightmares of loneliness and pain that were reality itself.

Why did he need to keep coming back to her? A smile here and there, a playful push in his direction—but a few seconds to slice open her wounded heart that should have been closed long ago. He had grown so much, physically and mentally, with so many other beautiful female specimens willing to fall into his arms at beck and call; there wasn’t a reason he needed to continue his silent mocking of her.

Whoever said telling lies was simple, never had an experience with heartbreak before, she mused. Staring out the window, with a cup of hot chocolate in her hands, and a white blanket draped around her, she wondered at could have been and what would never be.

Their relationship had been too beautiful in the first place, she mulled over how unrealistic it seemed now that she had grown up. A beautiful prologue in her story of hurt that she never would’ve thought she would become the author of.

Every day, she told herself a lie, made believe a lie, convinced herself of a lie and lived a lie itself. Telling herself he couldn’t hurt her was a lie because he hurt her every second, whether it was intentional or not.

 When they passed, she longed for his eyes to linger a moment on her, when she ate, she missed his gentle teasing of her inability to cook and when loneliness stole her breath away, she pined away for the feel of his warm arms wrapped around her.

“Hey there Jessie! You okay?” A voice jerked out of her thoughts, Hwang Stephanie, her best friend and closest sister—besides the brat of a younger sister she had, Krystal, that she secretly adored to bits and pieces.

“Of course I’m fine, when am I not?” Jessica murmured, another lie that she had to force out between grit teeth. She chuckled inwardly; if she was fine then people would never be haunted by their pasts.

Withstanding a sigh, she tried to ignore the pang of guilt that hit her when she looked at her concerned friend. Jessica hadn’t exactly told anyone that she harbored poisonous, deadly emotions that killed her bit by bit for an ex-lover. To the world, even her family, she was always fine, an Ice Princess that radiated warmth at will.

“Well, at any rate, we have to leave soon Jessie. We’ve got a schedule, although it’s optional so you don’t have to go if you don’t want to…” Tiffany, or Stephanie, stated while standing up and placing her hands on her waist. Lazily, Jessica pushed herself off, her white blanket sliding off her lap onto the ground in her haste.

“Alright, fine. I’m going Stephanie.” She growled lout. Tiffany blanched a little, was it Jessica’s most special time of the month? She would bet on that because somebody, she stole a quick glance at Jessica, seemed a bit moodier than usual today.

“You sure you okay?” Tiffany asked hesitantly again. Jessica glanced at her.

What was up with that question? She already wielded a mask to prevent pain and the answer would be the same every time.

“I’m fine, perfectly fine. I’m always fine, Stephanie, you know that.” Tiffany nodded solemnly before bursting into girlish giggles at the blunt reply. Jessica managed a crooked smile, if only her friend knew how much of a lie that was.

Dragging her feet to the door, she locked it and headed off with Tiffany to find their manager. Trudging into the main SM building, she had turned to ask Tiffany something when a wall of plaid fabric covered the expanse of her vision.

“Oh Pretty Sica! I’m so sorry, you’re so short that I couldn’t see you there!” That nickname, that voice and those words, would he ever leave her alone? For a day, a minute, a second, would he never give her room to breathe? To be able to breathe free of pain, of hurt, of want and regrets? Why wouldn’t he?

 Instead, he chose to continuously mock her pitiful state she was in everyday. She would rather he didn’t try to patch up their broken friendship, then she wouldn’t have to try and be friendly but alas, he tried.

Jessica could never bring herself to hate him, no matter how much she wanted to. Yet, if the circumstances were different, she’d be away, far away, from the trauma that caused her heart to seemingly malfunction at times.

“Pabo Bada! Clumsier than me now, don’t you think oppa?” Erasing her previous thoughts, Jessica was fine; she’d always be no matter what. Like a constant echo in the background of a faded scene, or the melody line that refused to leave one’s head, she continuously fed herself with that lie.

She was fine, absolutely fine.

Realizing their still awkward position, Jessica took multiple steps back and turned around to see Tiffany waiting for her impatiently.

“Jessica Jung! I swear, OH MY GOD, why are you taking so long?!? Hey Donghae oppa! How’s—”

“Don’t say it! Watch your language!” Of course, Siwon just had to make his entrance being super strict over his religion. Poor guy, Tiffany is a American girl regardless what, Jessica thought to herself, she would know, she would  say “Oh my god!” so many times—it’s equivalent of a broken record.

Tiffany glared at Siwon as he walked over and stared her down. It also made a considerable advantage considering he towered over her and the two simply walked off, bickering about who knows what.

Jessica allowed a smile to grace her face for a few seconds before another mask quickly layered over her face as she awkwardly turned to face the boy, man now, that she couldn’t bring herself to hate.

“Sica! Aren’t those two such idiots? The two of them are at it like cats and dogs.” The traitor laughed. Jessica sighed and could nod in agreement.

“Hey, Sica, are you okay?” A white, scorching hot flash of anger flushed over Jessica and she bristled before turning to face Lee Donghae.

“Fine? Am I fine?!? Of course I’m fine, you wouldn’t know now would you? Holding my hand at this event and talking to me at that event, you just would never notice that I HATE being your friend! You don’t understand anything at all. You can breeze over a past relationship, you can talk to people of the opposite gender without flinching or blanching occasionally from god knows what reason. You can just ignore memories that have shaped you! You can just walk away from something and never look back! You can keep a smile on your face and offer comfort to those around you who want it, once, twice, whenever! You can be happy. You can be fine.” There, she had officially just had an outburst, something she hadn’t done in years.

Jessica was mortified; boy did she explode on him there. If her voice hadn’t been at her dolphin pitch wasn’t enough, the fact that Donghae’s face looked like a gaping guppy provided more than enough evidence.

As she regained her breath, she was taken aback by the multitude of emotions that flitted across Donghae’s face. There lay hurt, pain, regret, sadness, desperation and anger. No sooner had this wave of emotions passed over his face, did Donghae begin to bristle as he stalked toward the rather petite Jessica.

Alarmed, the said girl began to back off until Donghae rather ridiculously decided to haul her up and drag her to a secluded room the two had escaped to back when they were still together. Once arriving there, he non-too-gently placed her down and glared down at her.

 For five minutes, he glared which would be rather frightening to anybody but Jessica, then he simply stared and stared for what felt like ages before Jessica herself was the first to snap at him.

“What?”

Donghae stared again, and when Jessica made a move to stand up, he simply crouched down and stared at her further. Beyond irritated, the said petite girl made a move to push his hand away. As she raised it, Donghae raised his and clasped it in his hand. Gazing at him up close, Jessica pondered over what exactly he was doing.

“Do I look fine to you?” In a voice so heartbroken that it could be barely heard, even at approximately less than five inches away from Jessica’s face, she had to strain to hear. She started; he was using her words against her.

Back when they had had…something…they had always done that, in a playful, loving manner of course but now, it just cut her raw.

 “Do I look fine to you? Why of course, I do. Jessica, you’ve been selfish, don’t you think? Have you once ever thought what I thought of when I see you? I get it, you and me, it would be easier being strangers right? I know that you wonder why I insist on being friends, regardless of our memories. For a second, when I turn to look at you and I see your back, it’s like watching me walk away, never looking back once and regretting, pining over something so pitiful. For a second, at the ceremony, when I held your hand, I could at least lie to myself for a moment, that my wish of something between us still living was actually still there. For a second, I can delude myself into lies of a happy fantasy we never had the chance to continue. For a second, I can pretend that you still belong to me, that you’re still my Pretty Sica that I once could proudly show to the world. For a second, Sooyeon, I had you…if I can only have a second, then I’ll be contented with that one second.”

 By the time Donghae had finished his soft rant, he was millimeters from Jessica’s face and his hands were pressed against the wall on either side of her so tightly that he swore he would have bruises tomorrow.

Jessica didn’t know how to respond. Should she be happy or even further infuriated?

He was sincere, if anything, his eyes spoke volumes. Tears wavered borderline of falling down, despair radiated from him and his gaze was searching and frantic; as if he was but a madman getting to gaze at her for the last time before she would vanish in his arms.

She knew though, that she probably looked the same, except that, she wasn’t tearing and she didn’t look like a madman. Years of being known as the Ice Princess did take its toll.

“Look, Donghae oppa, this isn’t going to get us anywhere. You…me…we had something, yes, in the past. Look around you! There are so many more opportunities, more women, more chances, more happiness you’ll have than being with me. I want you to be happy, we both know that I don’t deserve you so the least I can do is to push you off to a better future. Let go of me, oppa and move on. Frankly, I never will, I want to hate you but I can’t because somewhere deep down, we both that what you said is true.  I don’t deny that I was selfish nor should you deny that you are blind to those around you waiting. Do what makes you happy oppa. Time is precious, you and I know that all too well, so I’ll say it once again, let me go and do yourself a favor.”

There, she had said it, she had officially let go of him. She had chosen to keep the memories for herself and let him go his way. It was only fair that in compensation, she could secretly love and protect him from afar.

 That trickling, it couldn’t be…

A lone tear made its way down her porcelain cheeks, the lone tear became a few, which in mere seconds became a waterfall of salt tears pouring down and soaking both their shirts.

Jessica was dumbfounded, she had never thought she would cry and here she was, crying in the arms of her ex-boyfriend. Pathetic much?

Terrified, Jessica struggled to free herself until that certain somebody whispered—

“People don’t cry because they’re weak darling, they cry because they’ve been strong for too long.”

She broke, officially, relinquished her title as the sole wielder of pain masking and broke. Piece by piece, the fragility of her stature made itself known and she sobbed away into the comfort and warmth that Donghae offered her without once wondering how much of an idiot she had made herself look.

When she had reduced herself to sniffles, she hid her head from him until he tipped her teary face up to see his.

“Sooyeon, listen. You see how I’m standing here? How you’re crying on me and not anybody else? What are you going to do if I do move on…”

 Here Donghae had a little trouble forcing the words out but quickly continued—

“…and you have nobody to cry on? I know you, you haven’t told a single soul about the lie you tell yourself every day; that you’ve moved on from me because truthfully we both know, we haven’t on a single bit. Longing only makes a heart grow fonder, my Pretty Sica and I don’t how many times, I’ve tried to tell myself to stop being a fool for wanting you again.”

Jessica stared at him, smply stared with her watery gaze and tried to take it in.

He…still…wanted…her…after…all…that?

“Why?” Jessica whispered, she sounded not just broken but lost; reminiscent of the girl she once was.

“Do I still have to explain further?!? My beautiful Sooyeon, I’ve watched you grow these years, grow only through pain and grief and I never had the chance to apologize. In this moment, I want to make that up to you, show you how much I’ve missed you over the years so that we both won’t hurt like this again. I still love you, Miss Jessica Sooyeon Jung. Heck, if you decide to push me away this time, I won’t stop coming back for you either. I’ll patiently wait for you every day. I promise! This time around, the CEO and everybody knows that we know what we’re doing. You don’t have to be scared anymore. You and I, we’ll survive this together. I promise that I’ll be faithful, that I’ll do whatever it takes little one…”

“Yah! I am not that small!” Jessica shouted half-heartedly, while laughing through tears all the while. Donghae drew his head back and glanced at her, simply flabbergasted.

 She seemed ….happy? Simply, she seemed just like his Pretty Sica, when she was his. Did that mean what he thought?

A slap on his arm brought his attention back to the gorgeous girl, woman he reminded himself, that stood in front of him. “What was that for?!?” he yelped.

“An acceptance for your apology and whatever you took forever to say.” Jessica replied, her eyes glimmered with unspoken words and Donghae’s heart leapt into his throat; nearly choking him in happiness in the process.

“You’re sure? You really….want to? Again?”

He was stuttering and blundering, like an idiot, like a fool and yet he was happier than he’d ever imagined in his whole life—happier even then their first relationship. Gently, he picked her up and swung her around before tipping her, like the childish romantic he was.

“Really, the Romeo thing just isn’t you. I’d much prefer, say Jonghyun, doing that?” Jessica , giggling softly when Donghae’s darkened the slightest bit in jealousy before he leaned even closer.

Breath caught, and eyes wide, Jessica closed her eyes when she felt a tingling, butterfly like sensation brush over her lips and retract. Pouting, she opened her eyes and stared at Donghae who had slid down to the ground with her and simply sat there, smirking.

“Can Jonghyun do that to you better than me then?” He asked, a playful lilt to his voice. Jessica sighed and shook her head, admitting defeat to the pompous fish that she called hers.

“No.” She admitted reluctantly and Donghae smiled a crooked smile that sent her nerves tingling and heart fluttering faster every second.

“That’s good, you are mine, make sure you got that my Pretty Sica?” He tickled her as Jessica took longer than expected to answer him. Chasing her around the room, it was filled with loud dolphin shrieks and finally a short scream consisting of words “Donghae! Idiot! Stop! Fine! Yes, I understand! STOP TICKLNG ME!”

Both falling to the floor in exhaustion, Jessica crawled over to said tickle monster, and laid her head hesitantly onto his shoulder, without even a moment of consideration, Donghae’s head was on hers and the two sat there, basking in the most wonderful, complete and content silence they had had in years.

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Although, nobody ever said that there wasn’t a nosy Tiffany and Siwon that saw them, and a group of people, Super Generation to be precise, sandwiched outside the door all trying to glance through the peephole at the romantic scene that was playing in front of them.

“Jungsu, your dongsaeng does a better job than you of being romantic! Get your act together will you?!?” An exasperated Taeyeon nearly shouted.

 Leeteuk sighed, and covered while pulling the short brunette to him.

“Taengoo, you really wouldn’t want to spoil their moment right? Besides, you ahjumma, I have a romantic side you couldn’t possibly even fathom!” Ignoring her indignant shouts, he muffled the enraged voice of the adorable short leader and dragged her away.

The rest of the two groups looked on, torn between laughing at the leaders, thus ruining the moment, or staring at the cheesy romance that was playing in front of them. If they were to be honest, it was an extremely difficult decision…