"I guess, it´s time..." You gave her a weak smile.

She nodded. "Do you feel uneasy?"

"You could say so..." You responded.

"Are you afraid of the decision?" She asked worriedly.

"I don´t really know myself... I mean, if they say no, then what am I going to do? I really want to do it... I have been waiting so long. I finally found the courage and I prepared everything for so long... like the needed money and such... I feel like it will help me close the case... and if it gets rejected, it feels like I will never be able to close it. I can always make a new request later, but I don´t know, if I will ever find this courage again..." You let out a deep sigh and simultaneously your stomach grumbled. You both looked into each other´s eyes at the same time and bursted out into laughter. The heavy atmosphere gone in a second.

"You didn´t eat lunch yet, did you? Ahh, and we also forgot about your hot chocolate!" 

On your watch you saw that it was already past 1:30 p.m. and usually you would eat at lunch break much earlier or directly when coming home. 

"I didn´t eat, too. We can eat together. So do you want to eat first or have your chocolate first, or both at the same time?" She got up and proceeded to the kitchen (avoiding to step onto her painting stuff and still expecting an answer from you), the kitchen was attached to the living room without a wall, there was only a kitchen unit, which seperated the two areas.

"Well, I have my own lunch... even though I don´t know what it is... just eat yourself. But bring the hot chocolate! It should cool a bit, while we eat..." You started taking out the lunch box.

"You sure? I have chicken soup and a bit of chinese noodles with veggies in the fridge. Just have to heat it up..." She stated.

When you heard that, your eyes sparkled. You always liked Michiko´s cooking, but you loved when she made something Asian. But the sparkle died right after it came.

"Let me check what my mom made... I can´t waste it. I should eat that."

"Okay." Michiko simply said and secretly she admired you for those kind of little character traits of yours, *She´s such a good person... not wanting to waste food or the effort her mum put into making it. Quite nice behaviour.*

You opened the box and saw chopsticks, soy sauce, wasabi and different Sushi. You smiled.

"Michiko," you started, "I have SUSHIS!! I bet mom made them in the morning, even though she has to go to work very early - I will never understand how she manages to make something like Sushi at that time..." Making Sushi wasn´t very difficult, but it was time consuming. Since your mom was skillful and had a lot of practise in cooking, she could do it quickly. And you knew, Michiko loved Sushi.

"Really? She made you a Sushi Bento?" You saw that she wanted to eat it. Her face told so.

"Haha, I can´t really decide between the two... let´s just share, okay? Bring one big portion of soup and noodles!"

In a few minutes she came back with a steaming bowl of soup and a steaming plate of noodles and placed them on the table. She saw that you had chopsticks, so she said, "Just gonna bring chopsticks for me and your chocolate. It´s ready now... and we also need two spoons for the soup!"

Coming back from her second round, she placed everything on the table again, your steaming hot chocolate directly in front of you. "Just let us eat in peace, okay? After that you can enjoy your chocolate and calm down a bit. It will be alright, okay. No need to worry, you are strong and I tell you, anything that happens, will happen for the better. Okay? See it positive and calm your nerves." Her soothing and caring voice caught you in the free fall. You had felt like you were falling down a never ending sky, you had been restless and uneasy. It was as if you were caught by a warm fluffy cloud, or you fell into a cozy nice bed. Her voice made you understand that you should not worry. In the end, life will go on, with or without scars, with healed or unhealed ones. You just have to make the best out of it. 

You finally calmed down a bit.

In a comforting silence you two ate from the same bowl, plate and lunch box. You shared, you were close, so both of you didn´t mind. After finishing your lunch, you sipped a bit of the chocolate. Fuzzy warmth immediately streamed through your body. Your drink had just the right temperature, hot enough to enjoy, but not burning your tongue. Now you felt at peace, just like in a book or film scene, where the protagonist sips his hot drink on a romantic rainy afternoon. But unfortunately you were in real life, no protagonist in a book.

"Well, shall I get ready while you finish this?" Michiko came back from putting the plates back to the kitchen.  

"Why would you?" You questioned back.

"I thought we will get their reply, won´t we?" Michiko was slightly confused.

"Yes... but why get ready?" 

"I want to change out of my doctor´s clothing, if we go there to get the reply. So I´m gonna change now." She was about to walk to her room. When you said, " You know what- I think it´s better- I thought- Well- let´s just phone them. I don´t feel like going there, besides it´s raining and right now I feel so lazy."

*No lady, you´re afraid of going there and coming to tears or showing your sudden emotions. Even though you know them all for a long time of seven years, you aren´t free with them. I can understand you... But since you dont´want to go, well I shall play along, even if both of us know very well, you love rain and walking around in this weather." Michiko was frozen in her position of turning to her room and was eyeing you.

"As you wish." She finally said while shrugging, "Easier for me, I don´t have to drive you there and go out in this weather - wait - what if they don´t want to talk this over on the phone?"

"Let´s just try it first, we can still go there later." You quickly said.

"You´re right, I´ll get the phone." She went to her bedroom to get the wireless house phone.

"I have to talk?" She asked annoyed after sitting back next to you with the phone in one hand.

You just nodded with an apologetic expression on the face.

"Whatever... Contacts... A... N... ah, here it is." She was mumbling while scrolling through the numbers in her phone. She pressed the connect button and you could hear the typical ringing voice.

"I opened the speaker." She informed you.

Even if it just took seconds ringing, the suspense was almost killing you. Then you finally heard someone picking up the phone and the voice of the secretary, Rebecca, the same who had called Michiko last time to inquire about you, reached your ears. She was a young lively woman, about the same age as Michiko - perhaps twenty-nine, you would guess, since you never really cared for the ages of elder people, who you weren´t actually close. 

"Hello? Rebecca here. Michiko, I saw your home´s number on the screen. Is it you?"

"Hey, Rebecca. Yeah, it´s me. How are you doing?"

"I´m fine, thanks. And you? What´s up, why did you call... don´t tell me- any news?!" Her voice got a bit excited.

Michiko chuckled lightly and responded, "I´m fine and I think you guessed right. Alicia is here, speaker´s on, okay? She´s sitting next to me."

"Hey, Rebecca. I just heard you saying you´re fine, just so you know, I´m fine, too." You spoke to let her know, you were there.

"Ah, hi, Alicia. Nice to hear your voice and also that you´re fine, dear."

"Good, so I believe, you know, why we phoned." Michiko butted in, "Then, may I ask, if the supervisor is there? I think, it´s better to talk to Catherine directly. Is that alright? Is she there?"

"Yes, yes! No problem. She is in her office right now, let me check, if she´s free to talk, hold on a sec." You could hear a clicking tone, you were put on hold.

After a short while of killing suspense, once again, you could perceive the same clicking noise and Rebecca spoke.

"Hey, I´m back! She can talk to you... I hope you heard me right now?"

"Yes, we heard you." Michiko reassured her.

"Okay, then talk to her about everything in peace. I´ll connect you with her now, ah- and I already told her that Alicia is with you and can hear, too. So, for now, bye from me!" You assumed she forwarded the call into Catherine´s office.

By the way, Catherine, who preferred to be called by her first name (else she feels old), was one of the supervisors at the local branch (in your city) of the organization. She, probably now in her fourties, was especially in charge of you and your case. In general, she was reponsible for you (plus family) and all decisions of your life - you could probably even say, your whole life - was in her hands. Everything also went through the hands of the team as well as through your psychologist Michiko. And more important issues would even make their way up to the main headquarter of the whole organization- mostly just for final approval.

As formalities, short questioning about everyone´s health and recent activity in life were talked over among you three, the serious business was finally creeping its way into the conversation.

"Well, I think, we should come to the important topic now," Catherine started.

You tensed up. Michiko didn´t miss out on it and therefore you felt her hand on yours, giving it a loving squeeze to let your tension fly away. As you looked up to her with a slightly questioning face, she just gave you an encouraging smile.

"I assume it´s about your request, I mean the phone call, right?"  

"Yes." You shortly answered, you needed a bit courage, so you wanted her to lead the conversation. You would answer and only say the least you had to.

"I can tell you that we already made the decision and since you phoned..." She made a short pause as if she wasn´t exactly sure how to say, what she needs to say. "Don´t you want to come over to talk in person? Or do you prefer to talk over the phone? Well, if you decide to come over today, I have plenty of time to take care of you. But I don´t mind if you want to talk like this, either. But in the end you will still have to come to finish this up with your sign etc.. So?" She didn´t ask, why you had contacted them so late (she got to know through Rebecca) and she didn´t intend to ask, why you would want to talk over the phone.

She was sensitive- and sensible- enough not to. She knew a lot about you, almost as much as Michiko, those two were pretty similiar, both caring and warm women. You would probably be close to Catherine as well, if certain barriers didn´t exist. Their differences weren´t extreme, but they were noticeable. Catherine was a whole lot older than you, or Michiko, about the same age as your mother, so you certainly were easier with Michiko, who was only a couple of years older. Michiko was Asian, hence you felt more attached to her in a way. On top Catherine had kind of a dazzling aura, she was a lively, energetic and very talkative person, whereas Michiko had a calm, patient, tranqulizing nature, she wasn´t easily heated and with a very good temper. Thus you felt more drawn to Michiko with a, more or less, resembling nature like yours. And even if she didn´t realize, for the same reason, she also liked you much.

"If it´s really okay, then I prefer it like this." You were a bit unsure.

"It´s okay, dear, I don´t see a problem with this. I have somehow the feeling that I should just spill it now? I mean, you waited long until you wanted it, but now, aren´t you impatient?" At Catherine´s statement, Michiko smiled a little.

"What? You´re still asking? Just spill it now." Michiko and Catherine doubled over in laughter after experiencing your sudden outburst of impatience. Your lips curled into a smile, as you were surprised by your impatience yourself, which you hadn´t been aware due to the mix of other stronger feelings you also had.

"Okay, okay, I´ll just spill it now." After she stopped laughing and calmed down, she finally said. There was a perceivable longer pause then.

Killing suspense.

Your conversation up until then was relatively unburdened, it wasn´t serious at all.

Michiko was displeased, "Catherine! Come on. Stop teasing the poor girl´s soul already, it´s about time. You should come out with it now." When she spoke, the mood went serious in an instant.

"I´m sorry." You could hear a deep sigh from the other side of the line and another short pause.

"It´s just, I´m happy for you. And really glad, to finally tell you, Alicia. We approved. Your wish shall be granted." She stated.

When your brain processed what she had said, warmth of contentment rose in your chest and body, a content smile spread across your face. Michiko looked at you to see how you reacted. She saw one single tear roll down on each of your cheeks.

Tears of joy, contentment, relief.

The heavy burden on your shoulders was gone completely.

"Thank you so much." You said with a quiet but clear voice through the phone.

"Aww, dear. No need for thanks. We thought it´s the best for you and you wanted it so badly. But maybe you should thank your psychologist. She did a lot of persuading. She was in favour of the approval!" Catherine laughed. 

With a bit of a questioning look, you looked at Michiko, who gave you a nod with a warm assuring smile.

As an anwer your own smile brightened and you wiped away your tears with the back of your hand.

No words were needed to thank Michiko, your smile, which was intended to be in place of words of gratefulness, already told her in the best way.

Catherine went on, "You know we had to research a bit to check if it´s safe to go. At the moment it´s so peaceful. Would be safe to go now... but that´s really just the situation now. We don´t know how it will change until summer, so if we find a higher probability for danger in summer - remind you- for your and only your safety, a cancelation could be considered. So brace yourself for that also. And going now isn´t an option, due to your bachelor finals etc."

You didn´t like the thought of a cancelation at all, but as you weren´t stupid, you wouldn´t go against it. After all, it would  be for your sake, just for your safety.

"You already knew, there would be conditions coming with all this, right?"

"Of course I know. How could it be otherwise." You uttered. It was always like that, conditions were set to ensure safety.

"Do you want to talk about them or shall we leave the rest to when you come over for finalisation?" She suggested.

You thought a second before answering to her question. "Since we´re already at it, why not finish now? And I´m really curious about the conditions as well."

"Okay. Then about the conditions..." She started to list them and explain why they had chosen to set them, if it wasn´t obvious. 

First of all they considered dying your hair again, it was popular to dye it in lighter colours, so maybe you wouldn´t stand out with that, but maybe you should keep it chocolate brown. It wasn´t your natural hair colour, but it definitely blended into the hair colour of the majority of women there.

She told you that you would have to try to wear sunglasses as often as possible in the sun. The reason was, your eyes hold something special in the sun. Sure, you had brown, elongated, Asian double-lid eyes, but nature decided to give you a small speciality from your father´s side of the gene pool. If anyone saw you, that person would most likely say that your eyes were a soft brown, but slightly lighter than the average brown Asians had, which were dark-brown to super dark-brown, the latter often mistaken as black. That means your eyes had a -for Asians - kind of uncommon brown. But the speciality was, when the sunrays directly made their way to your eyes, an astonishing circle of green sheen in the inner side of your iris was -hardly, but still- perceiveable. Your father had green-brown eyes, but unlike your eyes, green dominated in his. Green sheen, a little gift from his western, recessive genes. Contacts were no option for you, you once tried coloured contacts, but through sensitive eyes you got an infection for two days and since then you were just scared to ruin your eyes, when it was not neccessary to. 

Another condition (which you already knew or assumed, due to some of your former family vacations), was that you had to take Michiko with you for safety, for ensurance of your compliance with all the rules and conditions and of course for emotional and psychological support. Emergencies could always come across in different froms, mental breakdown for example, and your psychologist or any other related person being thousands of miles away could become a difficult situation. Prevention is better than cure.

Michiko listened to you talking to Catherine, relieved that you were fine on your own now.

There were quite some more conditions, since this wasn´t just some frivolous project, at least it should not be. You were supposed to avoid any clothing and belongings similiar to ones of your old self, referring to your casual boyish style in your early teens. If you would be seen by anyone who used to know you before you moved to America, that person should not even get the slightest idea, who you were. 

"I get your point. And what´s with the diaries?" You asked frowning a little, afraid she would forget or reject your small extra requests at the bottom of your request. Well, one was not exactly a "small" request, it was a request with a load of emotion.

Michiko perked up her ears, *I hope she can take her diaries with her. They are really important to her and I believe they`ll help her. So Catherine, what did you guys decide?* 

"Ah, right! You had asked for this extra permission. Michiko reckoned you should take them with you. I trust her decision. But she will be responsible for them, means she´ll keep them with her, unless you want to read. It´s safer, okay. And I know you´re not stupid, but just to speak it out, I remind you that your diaries are very delicate documents. So you need to be extra careful with them, especially around people. I recommend you to only read them in closed rooms and I advise you against reading in the presence of others, except for Michiko."

"That´s quite plausible. And thanks." You stated, the acceptance of the diary issue made you smile.

"Aww, dear. No need for thanks! And also, in our opinion its alright to take your parents with you. The decision is up to you three. You still dindn´t talk about this with them, right? You should have a sitting with them and tell them calmly what you are planning and as you want, offer them to come along or don´t. We can´t say anything about that. You and your parents have to decide."

*The thing that was bothering me... her parents.* Michiko didn´t really like the idea of your parents tagging along. And she had justifiable reasons.

*She is a very filial and loyal daughter and this is the first time she actually did and decide something important completely on her own, without their approval. She didn´t want to bother them unneccessary. If this wasn´t going to be accepted, she wanted to swallow the bitterness alone. But now, I know, she´ll ask them to join. She is the type, who can´t deny the parents´ wishes and exclude them from anything she does. She isn´t able to. To her it´s bad enough to have made this request without them knowing. Impossible she´ll distance herself more and exclude them strictly.

Adorable girl, adorable character.

I hope they don´t want to join - the whole trip would get the flair of a family trip and that would ruin it for Alicia. And that is even the good side, if everything goes well they´ll make good memories; if things turn out bad, worst case would be, their emotions coming up. Going back and seeing everything will open up their wounds they will choke from all the memories. The atmosphere will be ruined, their moods will be at rock bottom and fights are not far, anger, regret, hate... I should stop thinking of possibilities and do something to prevent such chaos from even sprouting.*

You were making out a time to go to Catherine to finish up the paperwork and get this plan going. When you were done with talking, you and Michiko bid goodbye to her. You wanted to relax a bit with Michiko -mostly to avoid your next task: telling your parents- so you two talked about a few things you would do on the trip, which was still far away. Michiko started painting in front of you, in the background nature sounds and calming, relaxing music played and at some point she was just so engrossed in painting, you two stopped talking and a comfortable silence spread between you two. You watched her paint in amazement, the calming melodies in the background creating more atmosphere. And when the daylight was starting to dim, the clockhands told you it was nearly six in the evening, you realized you should probably go home. Michiko offered to drive you home, it was no problem for her with a car. But you declined, you didn´t want her to lose her current inspiration and stop her work. She saw you off at the door with an encouraging smile, telling you, you could master the next burden as well, and you left her flat with your bag, coat on and only socks and went down a floor to get your boots from infront of the door.

When you were on your way, Michiko remembered your parents. She decided to do something about it and texted your mother. Her message told your mom to not rush decisions and thinking it over seriously and if possible, she would prefer your mother to talk to Michiko before. And also, your mom would soon know what your psychologist meant with this. She just needed to be a bit patient.

Your mother and father were already home from their work. Both were working as science professors in different universities (not in yours, since yours was an Arts College). Your father, Kyle Green, was professor in Physics. He was a tall (probably near 190 cm) American man with light hazelnut brown hair. Your mother, Ji Min Green, was professor for Physical Engineering. Upon knowing this, it is obvious they met in university when they were young, since they had similiar courses. An average Asian woman, unlike you with your uncommon 171 cm height for an Asian girl, she was 165 cm tall, with almost black eyes and black shoulder long straight hair. Both of your parents were in their late forties with kind eyes and similiar friendliness in their faces, giving off an intellectual, but still down-to-earth vibe.

They were preparing diner together. They wondered, where you were, but they didn´t worry much, since they knew you were a responsible person. And if you would come home later than nine at night, which also happened super seldom, you would always tell them. Your mother got the message from Michiko and she wondered. It was kind of a mystery to her. The words wouldn´t lead to a plausible end. She asked her husband if he had a clue but he hadn´t also. She was already thinking about calling Michiko to ask, if the message really was meant for her. But then, it said to be patient. While your mother was considering, she heard some keys clinking and the front door unlocking. By that time it was already past six, the sun had set and you stepped from the dark outside through the doorframe into the light-up inside. You greeted your parents while taking off your coat and shoes, afterwards you went upstairs to put away your bag.

Back down in the kitchen you helped your parents setting up the dining table and helped them finishing up the food. Your conversation over diner held everyday talk up to the point when you had enough courage to tell them about your plans. They had asked where you were the whole day and you told them you went to Michiko´s and they just acknowledged it. It was a normal thing for you to visit Michiko. At the mention of Michiko your mother´s thoughts went back to the message. And then you started telling them about your request. They didn´t see it coming, so they quietly listened at first. They were slightly hurt by the fact, you didn´t tell them earlier, but they weren´t angry with you. On the contrary, your father even felt proud of you for finally making a step towards independency. Your mother figured the psychologist´s message had something to do with your plans. But she still didn´t comprehend it. You told them everything, since when you were planning, when you handed the request and all the details. When you first moved to America the organisation had told your family about the possibilty of making this kind of request, together or as a single person, but they said to wait a couple years after settling, since the chance of approval would be higher as the possibilty of evoking any trouble again would reduce by time, and since you knew about the request, you were waiting for the time to come to make one.

You know your parents wanted to go, too. They planned on going as a family, but they were uncertain if it was okay for you. So they didn´t initiate anything before they would know that you were ready or they waited for your initiative. And here it was. But when you told them the request was only for you, they were a little baffled. But just a second later you sincerely offered them to come with you and that they should contemplate on wether or not to go with you. You clearly told them the decision is up to them, since to you it didn´t matter. And then your mother understood. Michiko wanted to talk to her and maybe her husband about coming along. You said you would like their company and if they didn´t come it was their decision and she had no problem going alone with Michiko. They should talk about it and discuss as long as they needed to, then just tell you their answer afterwards. You expected this to take a few days.

After cleaning the dining table you went upstairs to do some of your tasks for uni. But your concentration wasn´t on the work but rather on the trip. You still couldn´t believe it. When you figured today you weren´t able to work decently and that it was already late you got up from your desk to take a shower. Walking out of the bathroom in clean pyjamas and half dried hair, you went to your desk again and took out a pretty diary with flower patterns in brown tones. You took your fifteen minutes for a short but still pretty diary entry, written with colourful glitter pens, because today made you happy and the entry showed it. When putting it away you turned off the lights and crawled into your bed. The alarm clock on your night table showed glowing red, it was past ten and you were quite tired already.

What you didn´t know, in the bedroom of your parents, they were talking to Michiko on the phone and discussing over the issue. Your mother understood what Michiko wanted to get across and she agreed that she was right. After a long phone talk your parents talked to each other for a while, eventually concluding to listen to Michiko.

You had your eyes closed and thought about what will happen. Your heart was filled with happiness and excitement.     

*Finally! I will be able to see everything again. But, no. Not everything. I am not allowed to meet old acquaintances or relatives... or friends. I want to see my family again, my cousins. The girls who loved me and accepted me. And I want to see him so bad. Meet him again so bad. But what am I thinking? I shouldn´t even think about it. But what if I meet him? What will happen? How will he be? I should stop. But...

It feels like I have left something there unfinished, that I need to close or finish.

I hope whatever this feeling is, that it will vanish. 

All that burden on my heart, my soul - those memories. I hope I will feel lighter after it.

I hope I will feel better.

I am so happy. Finally.  

I can finally go back. Go back home. Go back to Korea.* 

And with these thoughts you slowly drifted into dreamland.

I wanted to give a big thanks and suffocating hugs to those two, who even voted (thank you peanut!) ;_; THANK YOUU <3 <3 <3

Aaaaaand maybe, maybe you wanna check this out?

"Pink Lips, Rosy Cheeks, Long Lashes, Sparkling Eyes"

- P.S. expect some Exo in the next chapter, hihihi... - 09.01.2013 

- I PUT ALL THE PARTS TOGETHER NOW. - 14.02.13