Chapter 2: Memories

Remembering you and how it was in the past

Remembering us and how it was in the past

Memories returning and how it was in the past

Memories forming and how it was in the past

Memories sweet memories

Will all I have are memories

I don't want to have but memories

I want to create more memories

Alone in the backyard, sitting in the dark looking at the stars in the sky. Tears rolling down his cheeks. Dongho was covered to the hilt, it was very cold,  but he did not mind the cold in that moment. He only wanted to be alone. Alone in his thoughts.

Dongho thinking or talking to himself:

I did not understand anything, I was so young, barely having a memory of my omma, barely, yes barely. I had this memory, of a woman smiling at me, asking me to eat. The spoon flying, making me smile, she with a happy face, and the spoon ending in my lips. She'd do it again, the spoon flying again and again. Making me laugh with her. She'd wipe my lips. Then make me drink some water. And I call her omma. That is the name I have of her, omma. When I remember her face, that is the name that I remember.

I remember, sitting on the floor beside two legs in the kitchen. Remembering the legs beside me, remembering, I felt safe as long as I had those legs beside me. I would be playing with pans and pots and a spoon in my hand.

I remember, falling asleep, behind somebody's back, feeling safe.

I remember, falling asleep, in somebody's arms.

I remember, holding on a pants leg or a dress, walking.

I remember, getting an ice cream, with her face right in front of me.  I'll be happy eating my ice cream, and she'd look at me, and wipe my face from time to time smiling at me, and I smile back at her eating my ice cream.

My memories were fragmented, each a scene, and not a complete memory.

I know now what my omma looked, cause of pictures my aunt has of her. But, I had barely a memory of her. I had only a child's memory.

My mind is full of memories with my aunt, uncle and my cousins. Yes, full of memories. They are the ones that fills my memories. Everything had to do with them. My whole life is with them. I don't know anything else.

I remember, being with my friends playing. And my aunt approached me, I remembered her with omma, and sometimes she was with us. She was crying, and gave me a hug. She was crying holding me. I felt like crying, too because she was crying. And I did not know why she was crying. She kept calling my name. "Dongho, Dongho, Dongho" I can still remember that voice until now. An anguished cry of my name.

I did not understand then, because I was so young, only when I was older that my aunt explained it to me, that was the day, the day my omma died.

She took me home with her. I keep asking for my omma, I don't remember the details anymore. It's blank. I remember only of being afraid and I'd wake-up in the night, being afraid. I don't know what I was looking for, I kept calling for my omma, but it was my aunt who always came to me.

I remember, in the arms of my aunt being in the market.

I remember, not feeing well, in the arms of my aunt, and she was singing to me.

I remember, always being afraid of the man in the dining area. He would smile at me, wave at me, and call my name, but I was afraid of him. I always want to hide from him. I'd hide behind my aunt's dress, and take a pick at him, always being beside my aunt hiding. My aunt said that he is my uncle, that I should call him uncle. But I was afraid of him.

A big man

A tall man

A giant man

A huge man

A smile you'd give me

A wave you'd give me

A call you'd give me

A hug you'd give me

I remember, my uncle with a smile, having a candy with him always, and he would give it to me.

I remember, you'd call my name, along with my cousins, when you walk through the door. My cousins running towards you. Calling you, "Appa, Appa, Appa" You'd hug and kiss them.  I'd stay were I was, and you'd come to me. Smiling down to me, you'd bend down and touch my head. You look so tall from my seat on the floor. Then, you'd go and be with my cousins. I'd see you play with my cousins, you'd look over at me and wave to call me over, but I'd stay sitted were I was.

I remember, my uncle feeding me, smiling at me. He made a train sound, making me smile, he'd have the spoon go around, and end it to my lips.  My uncle was always smiling at me.

I remember, my uncle taking a bath with me and my cousins. He would bathe each one of us.

I remember an instance, I broke my arm, my uncle rushed me to the hospital.

I remember, getting sick in school, my uncle picked me up. And took me home.  He even cooked me some porridge.

I remember falling asleep in the backyard, but when I woke-up I was in my room.  My cousin told me, my uncle carried me inside and placed me in my bed.

I even remember my cousin carry me in his back.

I remember my other coiusin, giving me a stuff toy.

I remember, both of them always giving me candies and chocolates.

I remember, each on of them, feeding me.

I remember, both my cousin always holding my hand, when we go out.

I remember when someone pushed me, and my cousin was there at once for me.  Wiping my tears for me and then kissing me on the cheek, and then hugging me.

Going back to the past

Seeing things in the past

Living a memory in the past

Aching for memory in the past

Crying for the memory in the past

Touched by the memory in the past

Moved by the memory in the past

Aching for the memory in the past

All this memory,  I may have only this memory. I don't know where I would be right now, if not for my aunt, uncle and cousins. They took me in, when I was so young. And they are the only family I have.

Uncle. ( chocking while crying) I'd take your place, if only I could. For all the goodness you have shown me. I'd take your place, if only I could.

Why? Why? (whimpering and crying) Why does it have to be you?

What will happen? To you? To us?

So many things, could happen, so many.

I am afraid, uncle, I am so afraid.

Dongho bent his head down to his knees and hugged his knees, crying. A pain deep inside him was forming, and trying to come out.  He was lost in thought, thinking of a blick future in the horizon.  And he felt helpless, so helpless, and could not do anything to help his family. A familly that loved him and took him in.