Title: Better Than I Know Myself
Pairing: Luhan - Sehun
Rate: PG 13, cursing.
Genre: romance, angst, drama
Oneshot, complete.

"Hyung." He called, walking closer towards me. I didn't bother to turn my head and mumbled a hum to tell him that I'm listening. I'm too absorbed with my work and don't matter with the sigh leaving his mouth. "Dinner's ready."

I hate being disturbed while working because I can't concentrate on my music sheets. I kept on scratching the notes with pen in frustration. My head hurts. I can't even take a break—It didn't help. I, once again, crush my tenth paper with my hand and throw it across the room. The boy was still standing behind me without myself noticing.

"Hyung..."

How could he be so annoying? I've told him hundred times not to disturb me when working. I control a steady breath, holding all my anger down because I don't like screaming or else, it'll just be a waste of energy I can use for another thing. I'm an expert at controlling anger, but these days? . "Go eat by yourself." I said in the coldest voice I've never known myself had. A little bit shocked, yes, but too tired to care.

"But—"

"I won't be eating tonight. Now, go out."

He seemed to understand and maybe going out of the room is the best choice for his life. An expression of hurt caught by my eyes and I felt a sudden weight pressed onto me. I felt guilty but that's the way it should be so. I let out a deep sigh right after the sound of the door closed. There's always be a reason behind every actions. And no matter how bad I treated him, it's because of a reason.

I finally gave up around three in the morning. I ruffled my dirty blonde hair in frustration. My stomach grumbled once I let myself relax from work. Damn. I didn't feel any hunger when working. I grabbed the cup beside me, expecting a long dark going trough my throat but it's empty. Even the coffee pot is empty. Did I asked him to refill it before? Did he refill it just now? Did I drink all of it without realizing? Did I really have to go downstairs and waste my energy by stepping on those stupid wooden floor and make myself even hungrier by making another pot of coffee? The thoughts only make things worse. I ran to the bathroom and vomit everything I had in my stomach for today. Thanks God, now I've lost like half of my energy because of this. I can't stop myself from throwing up and even feel the bitterness in my mouth because of vomitting acid. I grunted as I flushed the toilet. I felt really tired but amused at my own feet holding my body up to wash my mouth and bring me downstairs to the kitchen. I should eat something. I was expecting leftovers when I turn the light on, but the dining table was clean. I'm not that mean to wake him up with a loud bang on his door just to cook me food, right? I've said to him that I won't be eating dinner. But can it count as breakfast? It's three in the morning, though. I was about to think twice when I saw a baby blue post-it on the refrigerator with some pokemon stickers around it. I narrowed my eyes a bit since I left my glasses upstairs. It was his writing. His always neat writing. He used the same pen again, I guess? Because I remember clearly the black ink I've always found on his writings. I wonder if he bought the same pen as always because not to say that I'm interested in inks or pens, it's just that look different than others. It's similar to mine, but as far as I remember, my favorite pen was one of a pair left, a limited edition copy for Johann Christian Ludwig Abeille's feather pen. Did I forget something?

Oh, btw, he's the pianist and composer from Germany I adore so much. Not much known about him though, I fell in love with his operas; Amor und Psyche and Peter und Ännchen which is the same style as Mozart. I also adore Louis Demetrius Alvanis, the pianist from London who's noted for his performances of the Romantics, especially Chopin, Schumann and Brahms some of which have been recorded on CD with Meridian Records. Anyway, speaking of my idols which brought my life into a total stress of a mucisian, I've been spending shortly ten minutes examining the writing of someone who's living under the same roof as mine for years without reading it. I pull it off the fridge a bit too harsh and the stickers fell down. I collected all of them, grumbling, and put it on the table as I sit down to have a better sight under the hanging dining lamp. I guess I should visit the doctor and check my eyes again. Ah no, I hate doctors.

Luhan hyung,

You told me you won't be eating dinner. But I've made you some, it'd be a waste to throw it away. And I bet, you'll feel hungry at midnight. Hehe~

It's not that I mind you knocking on my door for food, but I got an early shift tomorrow. I'm really sorry ^^;;

The coffee pot is inside the fridge, you can heat it. Also, the food is in the microwave. Fifteen minutes would be enough for warming it. It's your favorite seafood kimchi stew! ^o^ Eat up and have enough time to rest :)

I love you,

Sehun.

I unconsciously smiled at the cheerful note he wrote. I stood up to warm both the cofee and stew. He knows me to well, I told myself. While waiting, I ran to my room to take my pen and write on the empty side of the paper. I decided not to run on my way back to the kitchen because my steps are loud enough to wake an elephant up. I sat back on the table, happily eating my favorite stew he made. I didn't gulp down all of them, instead I put the rest which is enough for a person's portion into a smaller bowl and wash all the dishes before putting the bowl into the microwave. I took all the stickers and stick it back to the post-it to support that tiny paper on the refrigator door. I turned it upside down so he can see my notes.

I left some for you. Eat it for breakfast.

Luhan.

—

I woke up with a ring from my phone. I groggily reached for it, mumbling curses to whom disturb my beauty sleep. Who dares to text me in such early morning?!

I was wrong. The clock had strike the number of two already. What time was it when I fall asleep? Around eight in the morning? Wow, approximately six hours or so. I remembered Sehun left home around six because I heard a hurried steps leaving the house. So he really does have a morning shift. Can't sleep once I'm awake, I decided to read the message that take part of my broken alarm clock since I didn't know what's the right time to sleep anymore.

I won't be coming home tonight, hyung. I have assignments to finish and I decided to stay a night or two at Jongin's.

I'm sorry >_< but I promise I'll be back soon. Take your time to work without my disturbances ^^ But it'll be better if you want to go outside for a bit walk. It'll freshen your thoughts :)

Also, thanks for the stew!

I love you,

Sehun.

P/s: don't push yourself if you can't take it. Even for a walk.

I threw away my phone. Not too far or it'll reach the floor with a loud bang and I don't want to start the day by breaking my phone. It'll be another day without him after such a long gap. Just thinking about it made me dizzy and hard to breathe. It's normal without him around me, though. But it's weird without him around the house. It's just—At least I need to see him once in a while even though I felt annoyed with his prescence. A cold shower might help me. I quickly went into the bathroom and take off my clothes. The coldness strikes me almost immediately and I gritted my teeth to bear the icy feels stabbing my skin.

Drying my hair, I sat in front of my white grand piano. Feeling fresher after a good nap and shower, I began to write the song I'm currently working on. But after about four hours working, my head fell onto the keys tiredly. Maybe Sehun's right. Going out for a walk won't hurt. I grabbed my jacket and wallet, leaving the car keys untouched. When I walked out my room, silence attacked me. Usually, Sehun will be downstairs laughing his high-pitch laughter while watching TV or busy cooking or busy talking on the phone and all I do was snorting because of annoyance. I felt the tight knot on my stomach started to react. I ran to the bathroom, bending my body to the toilet and slide down the cold floor once the pain goes away. My eyes suddenly became wet. I don't know why. I felt so lonely. Without him a day or two, it'd be such quiet days. I stepped back to my room, taking off my jacket and throwing it somewhere. A walk can wait another day, but not my tears. I'll just go back to sleep. Back to the peaceful slumber where the cruel world became nice and warm. I'm confused with my own self. Why can't I be honest? Why can't I take care of myself? Why am I acting like this to Sehun? Why there should be a reason behind everything? Why can't I just do it in purpose? Questions wonder around my head before I finally let myself relax in the embrace of warm blanket.

Sehun didn't go home last night. I didn't feel like doing anything. Not even eating. I feel so stupid. I assumed myself look horrible because of the big amount of tears I didn't realize coming out while sleeping. Did I feel that lonely? Why didn't I spend more time with him while he's around? Why did I regret everything after he's gone? I mean, he's not particularly gone, but he's not around. I'm asking too much, eh? I feel lost in my own house. Do you know how stupid it feels? I shouldn't be messing up with my own thoughts. Relax, Luhan. Be yourself. It's just a day left or so and you can be your normal self.

I played Bagatelle in A minor, WoO 59 from my iPod which connected to a pair of speakers. The song which known the most by the name of Für Elise filled the room with sincerity. I laid on my bed with eyes closed but keep on myself awake. The song finished and soon, 'Kreutzer' Violin Sonata's filling the air. My mind danced to the softness of melodies. What a beautiful masterpiece from a coldhand of Ludwig Van Bethoven. The man who had thousand secrets hidden behind his mask of pride. Am I someone like that as well? Wearing a mask in front of people too often until myself is confused with the real me or fake me? Drowning into my own world for hours, WoO 132: Song "Als Geliebte sich trennen wollte" played. I remembered this song is about in the hundred sections in my playlist. How long have I lost in my own thoughts? I asked myself, pressing the stop button when the song's only played half. I grabbed my jacket and wallet for a walk. I need fresh air.

"." I muttered as I open the front door. The sky was close to dark and the atmosphere's no better than moist. It should be a good day for a walk if it's not this dark. But I really need a walk, seriously. Maybe I can get some inspirations for the song. The song I have to finish before the deadline comes.

I reached the park after few minutes of walking. There's no much people around, give me a bigger space to relax. I realized it's been too long for me, locking myself in that gloomy room of mine because once I feel the air outside, I can't stop myself from inhaling the fresh oxygen like there's no tomorrow. I stared blankly, feeling the comfortable feelings that barely exist in my ed up life. My eyes caught a sight of a familiar store of bubble tea where Sehun and I used to spend our times drinking bubble teas for hours, sharing stories and laughs, or only staring it each other with smiles. One of those good times. I wonder why we ended up like this because of one silly reason. But I've decided everything, there's no turning back. I should regret nothing.

The sky's getting darker. It started to rain. Wet drops started to fall on me. I noticed that my jacket didn't really help me on preventing the wetness from the rain. It's getting hard, but I didn't move an inch. It felt good to be soaked. It felt good to be under the rain. It felt good to be washed. Washed away from the dirtiness of life. My head hurts, again. I'll fall asleep here if I don't move now. I tried to stand up but ended up staying still. Too tired, I guess. Even my feet refused to move. I grabbed the phone from my pocket with my left hand covering it from rain. I typed a word, hoping that he'll understand, and press the send button with the last senses I had. I closed my eyes and fall into the deep slumber with rain as my blanket.

제발

—

I woke up because of the sick feeling I had in my stomach and rose up quickly to the bathroom. I don't know if my eyes are still closed when I ran but I should have remembered the way from my bed to my bathroom because the sight of white curtain and marble floor greeted me. The bitter taste stayed in my mouth so I probably got nothing to throw up beside my gastric acid. Just when I'm about to stand up, dizziness attacked me and I ended up hitting my head on the edge of bathtub while trying to stand up again. Glad I didn't hit it hard. I guess I'll be spending the whole day here. I was about to close my eyes when a pair of hands lift me up. The touch makes me relaxed my body and softly, the headache disappear. I don't need to see who is it. I know the only person who melted me into his touch. I closed my eyes and soon, the comfort of a familiar yet strange bed meet me.

The soft yet clear melodies woke me up. I feel a cold thing on my forehead and brought my hand to touch it; a napkin. I slowly opened my eyes, expecting the speakers connected to iPod but nothing's on the table. This isn't my room. The wall was painted with gray, white, and red. My room was painted in white. My room was a total mess with music sheets all over the floor and there's a white grand in the middle of the room. But it's extremely neat here. Not like my room. Erm, it's not actually my room, my office. But I don't know since when, I started to spend most of my days there. Maybe since the day I found out that my life . I examined the room again. It's indeed a familiar room. And a familiar bed. Familiar scent. Everything's familiar here even the black piano near the big window. I recognized the song played; it's Yiruma's 'River Flows In You'. Once a favorite song of mine. This is my room. And his.

Our room.

"Ah, did I wake you up, hyung?" Sehun turned, smiling to me when I was fixing my position to a sitting one. I realized he's been playing the piano. Why did he stop? I wanted to hear the full song.

"Why did you stop?" I asked with my face expressionless. He seemed to be confused at first and oh, how I miss that cute lost face of his. I wanted to pinch those cheeks and kiss that pair of pink lips he had just like I used to. But no, I can't. Not now. Sehun smiled and play the song from the beginning again. I closed my eyes, recalling back the past memories when I played this song together with him. When I taught this song to him. When I played this song in front of him. When it played when we're drinking bubble teas. When it played the time we first met. The song finished, my eyes are burning but no tears came out. "What happened to me?" I asked, more to myself, still with no emotions.

He turned, still with the same smile he's been showing to me for years. "You fell asleep under the rain at the park. When I brought you home, you're burning. That night you had some convulsions. I was about to call the doctor but then I remembered that you hate them and probably scold me after, so I don't. It was short and you've been sleeping for a total three days." Said him. Convulsions? And he didn't call doctor because he knows I hate it? He's seriously an idiot. But I feel relieved because of that. He knows I hate doctors. He knows that I'll scold him for bringing a doctor to me. He knows me too well. He's still the same as the boy I met four years ago. A good, kind, and independent boy. He's the same boy I found fragile as thin glass. But that's not the answer I wanted to hear. There's another answer that I wanted to hear it from him. "What happened to me?" I asked again. He's still smiling just like he did understand my question. How many times did I say about this? He knows me too well.

"You're just being you, hyung."

I watched him cook from the dining table. Staring at his back was enough to make me jump and hug that slightly taller body of him. I can't, I told myself. You shouldn't, I said again. "You're that hungry, hyung?" He chuckled. I quickly turned at my music sheet and realized I've been doddling on it instead of working while giving a burning stare to Sehun's back. I face-palmed myself mentally and physically and start working on a new page. "Wait a bit, okay. It's almost done."

I swear if it's not for our sake, I will jump onto you and you right on that kitchen corner. I noted to myself while shooting daggers to his back with my glares. Because, hey, I did that once or twice. Well, you can say that I used to him everywhere in need—in what you can say, my 'need'. He always use that kind of naughty tone in his voice. Especially when I'm hungry—in few types of hungry, of course. How can he has a voice of such a lost siren? God really knows how to make fun of me, eh?

"Enjoy the food, hyung." He smiled as he put a bowl of chicken soup in front of me and take another bowl for him. That's strange for him to cook this menu for dinner. What day is today? Saturday. Nothing special about Saturday. I wonder while stirring randomly the soup in front of me. What date is today? I don't think there's something special for 14^th... Oh wait. . Today is our 4^th anniversary, right? How come I forgot? I looked up to him just to find him happily eating the long awaited soup. We promised to always celebrate our anniversary with both our favorite food; Chicken Soup. I secretly smiled. I was about to eat the soup when suddenly dizziness attacked my head. I put down the spoon to rub my temple. Damn. Not now. Not in front of him. "Are you okay, hyung?" He noticed me. I bit my lip, not daring to move my head even for a nod because of the pain. Lack of sleep. Damn it. "Hyung?" He called again but his voice's far from audible to me. Not even done with the pain on my head, the sick feeling came into my stomach and without thinking twice, I ran to the bathroom nearby. The sink was way nearer but I don't want to vomit in front of him. Who wants? He's a fragile boy and he's eating. I banged the door and bend right to the toilet but nothing came out. I sounded like a pregnant woman now. What the . I kept on trying so something can came out but not even the acid. A hand rubs my nape softly and it gets better somehow. I finally let out a bit water which brought the familiar bitter taste on my mouth. I rested my body, leaning on the wall and the hand brought a wet napkin to wipe my mouth before holding me up bridal style. I was too tired to care about him being the fragile boy or it was me who's being so weak, I leaned myself to him; unconsciously clutching onto his shirt for some comfort. this. He's the one who used to clung onto me. This is so embarrassing. I didn't realize he had put me on a bed because of cursing in my mind. He wiped off the sweats on my face with his bare hand and slowly letting my hand off his shirt. "You have to eat something, hyung. I'll bring the soup here, okay?" Sehun smiled. I stayed silent. He seemed to understand, "I'll be back soon." And he went away. He knows I want him to stay. He knows everything. I sighed. Just a little bit more. Maybe few days or a week and everything will be back to normal. No. Everything will be...

Everything will be up to Sehun. Everything.

For now, I just need to protect this fragile boy with my coldness. I need to be strong. Just few days or a week and after so much of this ing pain, everything will be okay. Sehun won't be hurting anymore. He will be strong. And I can stop being cold to him.

Sehun went back with a bowl of soup and sit down on the chair beside the bed. He smiled to me before helping me to sit down. I slapped his hand and sit by myself. I can't be weak in front of him. Another hurt expression filled his face but I know he's trying his best to keep on smiling and I tried my best to stay cool as nothing happened. "Here, aah~" he sang as he bring the spoon near my mouth. But I stayed silent. He looked at me in confuse. I took a deep breath before steadying my voice,

"Put it down."

"Hyung?"

"I can eat by myself."

"But—"

"I told you so."

"Alright, hyung." He smiled and put the bowl down. Sehun didn't wait for me to eat the soup but going out instead. He knows I won't eat if he's around. And he knows I have to eat. Even just few spoons. So at least I have something to throw up—later. I took the bowl and eat slowly. I miss this taste. Different. I eat chicken soup like everywhere but his cooks are always different. It was me who used to cook. He learned fast and well. I'm so proud. I finished half of the bowl afraid of throwing up if I ate too much. He went in almost immediately after I put my bowl and reach the glass of water beside the tray. I guess he had finished his soup as well while waiting for me. I laid myself flat on the bed, yawning. He turned the lights off and cover me with warm blanket. He kissed my forehead and I'm waiting until he gets on the bed before falling into my unconsciousness. Sleeping together is not a bad thing, right? Well, it's his bedroom—I mean, ours. I've been sleeping in my office for weeks but hey, I can still sleep here if I want to. I waited. But nothing came up and I opened my eyes to see him walking out. Is he planning to sleep outside?

"Sehun."

"Yes, hyung?"

"Sleep with me tonight."

I swear I can see his wide smile in the darkness and walk to the other side of the bed. Sehun slowly gets under the blanket, laying flat. I hesitated at first but slide closer to him. He seemed to notice and wraps his arm around my waist before cuddling onto my chest. I let out a small chuckle before burrying my face into his smooth brunette hair. I miss this feeling. Sleeping together is not a bad thing, right? Especially when we're still officially a couple.

"Goodnight, hyung." He yawned. "Happy fourth anniversary."

"Goodnight, Sehun."

Well, it's not a bad thing at all.

—

A week and half passed and I was much better than before. Well, I had some convulsions back then but everything's okay. I told you I just need few days or a week. But I still need few hours—maybe—to stop my cold attitudes to him. He needs to be strong and I, myself, need to be strong. Erm, to be honest, I slept in our room for the entire week. But I often go to bed after he's asleep, or sometimes after he went to school. I pressed the keys of my piano as I felt myself drowning to every single notes. I played Yiruma's 'Love Me' and slowly closing my eyes, letting my fingers play themselves. I feel relaxed. How long have I've been playing without putting my emotions through it? I'm always happy when playing the piano. Everytime I want to cry or just feeling sad, I'll play the piano and everything will be okay. When I'm bored I'll play the piano for hours without realizing it. When I'm upset or angry, I'll play the piano and forget everything. Did I forget all those feelings I had before? The feelings of playing the piano in sincere, not pushed. But here I am, over focused with work. I can't even hear the right tone for my keys anymore. What happened to me?

No. What's happening to me?

It's just because of the pain. And that silly reason.

I played the piano randomly. Then my ears caught a perfect combination of the keys I've been pressing. I quickly grabbed a pen and music sheet. In about five hours, a song finished. Who cares about the classic song I'm currently working on for a week, I wrote this in a day! I smiled and put the sheets in front of me. I played the song. Maybe it's better to write it with lyrics.

The sky's already dark when I felt my stomach grumbling and the slight dizziness from my lack of sleep. Finishing the last touch, I realized it's almost midnight. I stand up from my seat and walk out to find some food. When I reached the kitchen, I saw a familiar face sitting by the dining table with earphones plugged into his ears. Sehun was reading a book and writing some notes. I walked towards the fridge and he stayed still. He didn't realize me? What thing is he reading so seriously? Nah, I'm not jealous with the book. I made myself a cup of coffee before sitting across him. He finally realized and look up just to widen his eyes. He took off the earplugs and smile shyly.

"Don't you have school tomorrow?" I asked with no expression.

"Urm, yeah."

"Why are you still awake?"

"Studying?"

"Can't you do it tomorrow? School is studying as well."

"Well... I have a test tomorrow and my teacher expects me to get an A."

"I won't kill you if you got an E."

Sehun chuckled, "that's not what I mean, hyung. Anyway, by any chance, are you hungry?"

I nodded.

"Baekhyun gave me a big lunchbox lasagna. I shall warm it up. Actually I'm a bit hungry too." He stood up and walk towards the fridge to take out a quite big lunchbox. I took the book he's been reading and it's full of notes and doodles. It's about physics, eh? His favorite subject. What a smart kid. He had a bright future. I hope he'll get a much better job. I put the book back down when he served two plates of lasagna. The dizziness came worse. Why is this always happening when I'm trying to eat something? I rub my temples, trying to endure the pain but it didn't work. Sehun put his fork down and look at me, "Hyung? Are you okay?" He asked. I nod slowly but it's making the headache even worse. "C'mon, I'll take you to our room. It's because you haven't been sleeping again, hyung." He said, slightly pouting before helping me to stand up. Everything's blurry and after a few steps, it blacks out.

My few hours had ended.

I opened my eyes to find him smiling. He's sitting on a chair placed beside the bed. His hand was holding onto mine and sunshine escaped its shine through the spaces between curtains. I glanced at the clock. It's six a clock or so. I fell asleep, eh? My eyes are so heavy and I felt on going back to sleep. But he's still smiling, I can't help but to smile back. Even though my lips felt so dry and stiff, I managed to smile to him. My few hours had ended, right?

"Don't you have school today?" I asked him weakly, feeling really sleepy.

"I want to stay." He smiled, rubbing my hand for comfort.

"But you have a test."

"You won't kill me if I got an E, right?" He joked, I let out a small chuckle. "I want to stay with you for the whole day."

He knows my few hours had ended. He knows I won't act cold to him anymore. He knows I will act like I used to. He knows me too well. "Then stay."

"Hyung, do you remember this moment? That day I was so sick and you skip your piano test just to take care of me. For the whole day."

I slowly recalling back the memories, "I do."

"You cooked me my favourite cream soup. And you feed me." He smiled, "You didn't even touch your piano. You stayed with me for a total whole day."

"I know."

"You told me a story of your past. You sang me a song. You're a great singer." He chuckled, humming the song a bit. "You held my hand tight for the whole day. It was a nice and warm day with you by my side. You didn't even answer the phone because it's too far from us."

I let out a weak laugh.

"I used to be so weak. Doctor told me not to be tired but seeing you get tired like everytime, I just can't bring myself to not helping you. And at the end, I'm still a burden to you. Even until now."

"You're not."

"I am. Do you remember the pen you gave me on my birthday? I'm still using it until now. You bought a pair of them and give one to me while keeping the other for you."

Ah, I remember now. The pen he always use.

He sighed, but the smile never leave his lips. "Hyung, your lips looked so dry."

I smiled. "Can you help me with it?" He nodded and lean down. Soon I feel another pair of lips fit perfectly on mine. He kissed me passionately, moving his head a little to find a better angle. The sweetness I've left for some times finally came back. I felt the butterflies in my stomach. The feeling I almost forget. He my lips before parting away. "Thanks." I said. He smiled.

"No problem. Hyung, do you remember the time we met? It's because of our favorite bubble teas." He chuckled happily, "and everytime I asked you to buy me a chocolate bubble tea, you told me to kiss you first."

"I do." I said, more to whisper. My eyes slowly closing but I managed to keep it open.

"I pouted and give you only a peck. You kissed me back and ask me to buy you a taro bubble tea. That's not fair, you know." His voice started to shake. He bit his lower lip and take a deep breath. "But at the end, you'll buy me and yourself. And I didn't even kiss you. I did, few times. But I guess that's not enough."

I smiled, letting my eyes close a bit.

"I hope we can go back spending times like we used to. I promise I'll kiss you as much as you want and you don't have to buy any bubble teas." He said, tears pouring from his eyes. "I just want to spend more time together with you." He hold my hand tighter, unable to stop his tears.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's all my fault." He sobbed. Sehun wiped the tears but they keep on coming out. "I guess I should've been sick more often so you can stay home for me and we'll spend a lot of time together."

I slowly fell asleep. I hold myself not to.

"I love you, hyung. So much. I love you more than anything. I love you more than I love my own self." He cried harder.

"I love you too, Sehun. I will always love you." I muttered word per word.

He kissed me once again. A soft and caring kiss. A sweet touch from lips to lips.

Then I finally asleep.

——

I tidied my bed and books. I guess I'll be late for the appointment. But I shouldn't. I have to run! I pressed the 'stop' button on my iPod and run outside. The weather was nice!

The figure waiting for me keep on glancing his wrist watch. He's annoyed, I can tell. I'm sorry but I woke up somehow late.

"Kai!" I called and he turn. A sigh left his mouth and I chuckled. "Sorry, I woke up late."

"How many times should I tell you—"

"Sorry..." I pouted.

"Okay, okay. Just pray for us not to be there when Suho hyung is angry."

"Alright~" I walked beside him. Today's weather is really good for visiting him. So I should.

"Anyway, how are you?"

"Getting much better. Doctor said I don't have to take the medicines daily. Only when I need them."

"That's a great news. Oh, here we are." He said.

We keep on walking inside and it was freaking quiet!

"Where have you been, little brats?" A deep voice interupted our tip-toe-ing session. I looked up to find a blonde with a super tall height.

"Urm, it's Sehun's fault, Kris hyung." Kai pointed to me.

"I-i-i-i-w-w-w-wo-woke-u-u-up-l-la-la-late." I stuttered.

Kris shook his head, "you're lucky Suho is in a good mood or you two will be so dead. Ah, Sehun, Xiumin needs to talk to you. I guess it's about him. Kai, go inside."

"Okay. Bye, Sehun." Kai went inside while I'm staying out here waiting for Minseok hyung or the nickname Xiumin. Kris went another way, toilet, I guess.

"Hey, Sehun."

"Ah, Minseok hyung."

I blinked in amazement. "A song?"

"Yep. He told me he finishes a song and he—I forgot what he said, but he tell me to find it. Do you have any ideas?"

"Maybe in his office. I'll try to find it later then." I said. The tutoring today is kind of short so I went home straight and head to Luhan hyung's office. I tidied this room last night so the music sheets must be on the piles I made. A new song? I took out three papers. It's a quite short song because most of the part is repeated. And it got its lyrics. I wonder how will this song sounds like. I sat in front of the grand white piano he treasured so much. I placed my hand on the keys and start playing,

Cold as ice

And more bitter than a December

Winter night

That's how I treated you

And I know that I

I sometimes tend to lose my temper

And I cross the line

Yeah that's the truth

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

But I really need you near me to

Keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

I stopped playing. Tears streamed down my eyes. He knows. He knows me too well. And he believes that I know him better. He had this much faith for me. His few hours had passed and so his own hours. I wipe my tears. Why am I crying again? I shouldn't cry or else he'll be sad. My phone vibrated and I reach to read the text message. It's from Minseok hyung,

Sehun, you've found it. It's his last message to you. I hope you'll understand. He doesn't want you to get hurt when he left.

I blinked, clearing my eyes from tears to see the message clearer.

I know he's going to leave me. From the first time I found out he's going to the doctor. It's weird because I know he hates doctor so much. I tried to ask him but he didn't say anything and he start to act cold.

But then I saw the letter he brought from hospital. It's a statement from his doctor.

Brain cancer.

He calculated it. He knows his hours.

I sighed. Examining the messy writing of his. I spotted a small sentence under his signature.

For Sehun.

——-

All along

I tried to pretend it didn't matter

If I was alone

But deep down I know

If you were gone

For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn

Cause I'm lost without you.

I know it gets hard sometimes

But I could never

Leave your side

No matter what I say

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,

But I really need you near me to

Keep my mind off the edge

If I wanted to leave I would have left by now,

But you're the only one that knows me

Better than I know myself

I get kind of dark

Let it go too far

I can be obnoxious at times

But try and see my heart

Cause I need you now

So don't let me down

You're the only thing in this world I would die without.

———

——

—-

—

Original Song: Better Than I Know Myself – Adam Lambert

Is it too long? .__. I hope not. I didn't expect it to be one. And I don't think this fic is sad enough to make you guys cry but I've tried my best ^^ I feel something is wrong with this fic and sorry if I ended it too fast because I'm writing this in a rush >< also, I'm bad at making endings hehe~ anyway, please kindly leave some comments <3

and oh, for them who can't read hangeul, the word Luhan texted to Sehun is ''Jebal' or in can be translated as 'please' in english~ ^^