Without me knowing, things changed between us. It is ironic that I was the one who knew everything. I knew people’s weakness and their strength. Being the diva who could manipulate people, especially him around my fingers, I did not know how to comprehend that situation. I still remember it as if it happened yesterday.  For the first time in my life, I completely lost my composure. I felt as if my whole world was crashing around me enveloping me in its darkness. I could not believe what I was seeing through my own eyes. I was looking at a news paper that announced that “Shinee’s Jonghyun has a girlfriend”. I felt a rush of adrenaline going to my head. I became so dizzy that I had to grip the table to keep myself steady. After I recovered, everything started to make sense: his recent change in behaviour, his request to change his schedule, him texting all time. I had just felt so drained then, so stupid and disappointed... stupid that I developed feeling for that fool and disappointed with himself that our relationship did not mean anything special other than us being best friends and touching each other all time for comfort and skinship. Maybe it was just fan service to him, I knew he was a fool but I did not know he was to this extent. I became so mad; I grabbed my jacket and left the dorm to cool off my anger.(not something that I usually do). I did not confront him that day. I could not. After all, he did not reciprocate my feelings plus the confrontation would just reveal my true self and would make our supposed relationship awkward.  I knew anything of this sort would just cause trouble for Shinee’s relationship and that is the most important thing of all. We are just a band*sigh*

Later, that day, he explained the scandal. By then, I had regained my composure and had transformed from insecure kibum to diva key, who could handle anything. He explained how their relationship started and he confessed that he felt awkward and scared to tell us fearing our reactions so he did not tell us. He apologized for total ten minutes and even hugged all of us to show the extent of his apology. I did not hug him back even though I was lingering for his touch afterwards. I just felt hollow. I did not know what to do; I just went grabbed the jacket and went outside again. The days went by, SM handled his situation and we were warned of our actions and words during schedules. We had the same routine, we practiced our dance steps, and we practiced our vocals. Nothing changed except for our relationship. The members started to accept the change but I could not. I did not talk to him, after few days, he approached me and asked me what was the matter, we had a big fight where I told to bug off with his girlfriend and leave me alone. I remember he said I was just jealous that he had a girlfriend and I did not. Ha! The stupid dino boy thought that was the reason for my anger. We started to avoid each other. The members tried to help but I did not budge an inch. I was through with that fool. If he did know see my feelings after all the hints I gave him, the years we spent together, the things we did: wearing couple clothes, kissing each other even though it was on stage, holding hands, going on dates, being roommates, sleeping on same bed, singing to each other about our feelings of gratitude. If those things did not mean anything for him, if he did not have any feeling for me by now, if he could just go ahead and get a for himself. If he missed the most important thing: if he did not know my feelings by now, then I was through with that fool. Even though I as being stubborn, I was tired of all the things I had to go through because of him, the pain I felt every time I saw him texting to his girlfriend with that smile on his face that he used to give me before, him buying her presents and asking our opinions, smelling her perfume on his clothes while doing laundry, everything related to him and her. I would silently cry every night begging for things to get better, trying to push away these unwanted feelings but they did not. I just buried these feelings deep in my heart for Shinee’s sake and distanced myself from him. I made taemin do his laundry and other things for him. We switched rooms, he with Minho and me with Taemin and Onew hyung. Minho and he became good friends as I had hoped for. I also became friends with Minho; he understood my situation without my explanation. He was a wonderful person. I was grateful for him and his support as a friend. If he was not there to hold me during my weakest moments as insecure kibum, I think I would have crumbled away from the pressure of being diva key all the time. Onew hyung was also helpful; he also cared for me in his own quiet way. But Minho has my deepest gratitude for his efforts and Taemin for being a good son.

A year has passed; they have broken up and gone separate ways. I regret that I could be there for him during those moments but that was for the best. I could not risk opening the Pandora Box with those buried feelings. I still cry at night, when I remember the old memories, him with me but things have changed and we have grown up. I made a grave mistake that time. I thought he knew my feeling that time so I regret that did not tell him those important three words: I love you. But without me knowing, things changed and we grew apart with my buried unspoken feelings...

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