IV.

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I felt my lips curve into a small smile as I sniffed in the familiar smell of grass and leaves that has always welcomed me. Lying by the greens, I stared at the sky – the sun hiding behind thick clouds, the whites outnumbering the blue. “The weather’s good.” I muttered to myself. I like this type of weather the most – not particularly sunny, breezy but a bit warm. It’s the type of weather that makes me want to go out and practice shooting some balls, play soccer, or take a nice walk in the park, maybe read a book while I sit on a bench, and do landscape painting too; but here I am – body on grass, head on arms, my mind on a craze and emotions in a frenzy.

Events have progressed quite quickly and I admit that I was taken aback by Chanyeol’s actions. I still can’t understand but I guess I would give up trying to. I seriously need a break from this morning – of beaming smiles turning to straight faces and frowns, hazy and abrupt phrases, untold stories and feelings, and of forgetting them; of tears and sobs, and a kiss on the lips. And with thoughts and muses in mind, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

~

 “Jongin, now is not a good time, please.” I sat up, hand on temples. I don’t want to meet you today. Just today… Please.

“What do you mean not a good time? It’s Friday! Friday is Lu-Kai day!” Jongin said from over the phone.

“Please. I need you to –”

“What, did something happen?” He asked, his tone concerned.

“Yes. I mean, no.” I grunted silently. I probably should not let him know about what happened! “No.” I firmly repeated. “Nothing’s new. I just woke up.”

“Then get your here at the front gate! I already bought tickets to Catch Me If You Can yesterday! You have been wanting to see that, haven’t you?”

I sighed over the phone. I guess I should just take his offer. After all, we hang out every Friday. It would be bad to break a promise and it’d be more obvious that something happened; plus, the tickets are probably expensive! Well, it’s not like he saved up for it, but… “Got it. I’ll be there in 5.”

~

I have been yearning to see this performance but I can’t seem to push myself to enjoy it. I glance at Kai who was too fixated on watching. I look back at the stage and try to catch up with the story. I can’t. I really can’t. I can only look and hear but I cannot understand what is happening. Right now, everything is about promises and things I should know of, about friendship, about Jongin and Chanyeol, about a kiss. This won’t work. Staying out with Jongin wouldn’t be a good solution. I need Chanyeol. I need to see him. I need to. I –

“How about we get our asses out of here and have ourselves a drink at Atmosphere’s?” Jongin suddenly whispered as he grabbed my hand.

I look at him in confusion and he responded by dragging me out of the theatre.

“Jongin, what about the performance?” I asked, my hand still in his grasp.

He stopped and turned around, grinning foolishly at me. “You weren’t paying attention; what performance are you talking about?” He tightened his hold on me and stared at me. “We, sir, are going to talk about your problems.”

“W-what problems?” I stuttered in tension.

Jongin scoffed at me. “We’ll settle these things over Martini.”

Oh, he knows that I’m troubled. This is going to get a bit serious.

~

“Yeah, I know. Of course Chanyeol’s staying at our place.” Jongin took a large gulp from his glass.

I didn’t expect he’d be staying with his brother after what happened this morning… Does Jongin know? “So, uh.. Did he-”, I paused as I took a breath. “Did he say anything about visiting me a while ago?”

“Oh? He already went at your place? That naughty er.” He snorted, laughing. “Why, what happened?” His gaze averted back at me.

“Well… Nothing.” I plainly answered.

Jongin eyed at me and hummed. “Nothing is a big word – so big that it actually means everything.”

I uncontrollably laughed at him. “Why do you squeeze stuff out of me? Why don’t we talk about you?”

“Me? You already know everything about me.” He grinned as he poked my chest lightly.

I mimicked his actions and poked at him back. “I think you missed one important thing.” I guess I’ll just ask you, Jongin. Surprisingly, the alcohol made me a bit aggressive and straightforward. Is that a good thing?

Jongin nibbled at his finger and stared at me in confusion.

“You know, about Chanyeol leaving?” Wow, that came out of my mouth pretty easily. I drank and finished my fourth glass.

I saw how Jongin’s expression changed. He is surprised. So there really was something going on. Oh, I need to know this.

“What did he tell you?” He intently stared at me with his dark brown orbs. He is upset – very upset.

“I asked you first. You tell me.” I finished my fifth glass.

“Hey cut down on the booze! Are you planning to get yourself drunk?”

“Of course I am planning to! This is me getting ready of really awful . Now, don’t change the topic Jongin. I’d really appreciate if you’d tell me everything.”

Jongin put his glass aside and took a bottle instead. He gulped continuously, leaving the glass bottle empty. “I’m not telling you anything. That’s yesterday’s bull!” He said, his tone angry and frustrated. I cringed a bit in fear. I have never seen Jongin this mad before.

“Well, yesterday’s bull is my bull. Why, am I not just too fortunate to know nothing about it!” I raised my voice at him. I’m getting impatient.

“Don’t ing push me, Luhan. Stop sticking your nose in Chanyeol’s business – in our business.” He grabbed my arm, his grasp too tight. “We’re going home.”

I retaliated, pushing his hands off of me. “Sit the down and talk to me!”

“We’re not talking about anything, Luhan.” He breathed heavily in rage, his eyes closed.

“Don’t ing treat me like someone stupid and try to hide things I need to know!” I felt tears welling up my eyes. How can I be hurting so much right now?

“ Things about Chanyeol and I! Things about us, Jongin!” I softly spoke, pleading him. “Jongin…”

He plopped down beside me and rubbed his temples. He’s not responding.

“Jongin, talk to me..” Tears trickled down my face. It hurts me so much to not know of anything.

He sighed deeply and took me in his comforting embrace. “I’m sorry, Luhan.”

I cried uncontrollably until my eyes close in his arms, and what I only hear are his words that echo in me, again and again.

I’m sorry, Luhan.

I’m sorry…

I’m sorry…