Taemin isn’t sure what he’s doing at the edge of a cliff when Krystal found him. It’s the place he and his four friends used to hang out. A lonely aging tree nearby still bears some leaves in this early autumn time. During spring, the five of them would bring food, books, and games. They would listen to music and just hang out until the mornings and they would watch sunrise and fall asleep against each other’s shoulders until early afternoons, when the sun would be too hot for them to stay out. But that was spring. Many things can change in between seasons. Apparently, what happened to the five of them is too quick for Taemin to grasp with the tips of his fingers, and it slips away just like that.

As Taemin turns to look at Krystal, shadows of Sehun’s face hover in his eyes. He looks away – back to the blackness of the night sky. He feels calm just by looking at the emptiness – the stars would never come out what with the bright city lights underneath them. But he’s used to it. How can he miss something he’s never seen?

Miss. He’s missing something else though. Someone.

“Don’t you get bored? There’s nothing here anymore,” Krystal states out, breaking the peace and quiet. Her earrings are dangling in the soft breeze, brushing her shoulders as she looks down at the brittle ground. It felt homier with all five of them there, laughter in the air, the sun burning red and orange in the noon. Krystal didn’t want to come here – she knew she’d cry at one point if she did. But so far she’s been strong.

Thunders roar up ahead. The clouds have been hanging in the sky for days, grey and heavy. They were expecting this, so the two don’t say a word about it.

“There’s their reminiscence though,” Taemin replies, his eyes scanning the clouds for nothing. “I… I miss them.”

*

The beautiful flowers bloomed with the essence of spring. Taemin’s mini truck rushed through the highway road, colourful flowers squeezing in every space in the car that didn’t have a human on it. They left their windows open, so that the petals would fly behind them, making a trail. Krystal looked out the window, half her torso poking out of the car to see how evenly the petals fell on the black tar. She removed her round sunglasses to see the colourful petals lighting up the road. She laughed and pulled herself back in.

“Whose idea is this again?”

“Although I’d love to take the credit for this ingenious plan, I have to admit that derpface here did quite a good job this time,” Kai commented from the other side of the back seat. In between Kai and Krystal was Sehun, grinning to himself as he looked at the road in front of him. Sulli, who was sitting on the passenger seat next to Taemin looked at the three through the rear mirror, her face red and smiling.

“Aw, my boyfie planned all this out?” Krystal asked, holding Sehun’s face by the chin to turn it around so he would face her.

“I’m so proud of you!” she said, pecking his lips. He pecked hers back.

“You should’ve known your boy a little better,” was all he said.

“Okay, well I think I should be credited for the driving?” Taemin piped in. Everyone groaned and laughed. Kai pushed his head a little.

“You’re the only with a licence, bro,” he said. “If I could drive then this car would be flying right now. Speed up!”

“Can’t, my friend. We’re on a free and easy trip today. So let’s take it easy.” Taemin pressed the paddle a little harder, making the old car jumped a little then smoothly speeding up, causing even some stems to fall out of the car. Sulli held on the handle near the window, squealing. Sehun passed more flowers to Krystal, sneaking a stem behind her ear. Kai screamed out of his window, and Krystal followed, letting the wind eat up her bouquet of flowers out of the window.

They were young. They had no commitments. They were free. So they had fun.

But how far can they live with just fun?

*

“There’s nothing we can do,” Krystal tells Taemin, coming up next to him, looking at his face. Taemin doesn’t budge. He can’t look at her. The guilt will eat him up.

“It’s the past and we have to move on.”

“It’s a bit hard when they were the only reason I had to move on.” The thunders and lightning start to grow in amount, the grey clouds increasing in size.

Taemin remembers coming back to an empty home. He has no parents. No siblings. He was alone.

But he had his friends.

*

“Don’t worry man, I got your back.”

That is what Taemin said when Kai told him he had a crush on Sehun. But he couldn’t admit that he was gay. It was only Sehun; had always been the only one. Now Sehun had Krystal and he couldn’t do anything about it.

“It feels different,” Kai said, his plump lips slowly separating after a long silence. “To finally let go of something and be sure of what had been playing in your mind.”

“I wish I could understand,” Taemin told him. They were watching the red sunset under the old tree. Sulli was sleeping at the back seat of Taemin’s car, while Krystal and Sehun had been listening to some music through the same earphones until they fell asleep on the matted ground.

“But I don’t think I’ll ever feel like that.”

*

Unsure and contemplative. Taemin has always been like this.

Even now with Krystal trying to twine their hands together, he’s still unsure whether she’s just an illusion or if she’s real. He finally doesn’t fight anymore, and lets Krystal’s slim fingers slip in between his. Krystal looks up at his face again and he doesn’t fight the urge to look at her. Her eyes search for something that she can’t find in his.

“Don’t do this to yourself," Krystal said.

“What are you doing about it?”

*

Ever since the incident, Krystal has been trying to keep herself away from any memory of the five of them being together. Since the streets of Seoul and anywhere else they had been to in South Korea remind her of them, she moved away to America to live with her parents for three months. Not until she heard about Kai hanging himself did she come back. She knows Taemin needs her.

*

“So he did it here?” A thunder roars and a drop of rain falls on Krystal’s nose.

“At that tree right there.” Taemin looks away again. “Why out of all places. Just when I thought we’d finally have some place to remember we were happy…” he trails off, his eyes starting to get wet and his throat starting to dry. Krystal tightens her grip. When Taemin cries, she can’t. She knows she has to be strong.

*

“You’re not coming to the club with me?” Krystal asked Sehun over the phone.

“Sorry, not really feeling it tonight,” Sehun said, stretching from the lower bunk of the bed he shared with Kai.

“Yeah, I have a feeling you won’t really mind if I flirted with other guys,” Krystal retorted.

“Krystal, please don’t,” Sehun plead.

“Yeah sure Sehunnie, you know I won’t,” Krystal bit her lip, avoiding herself from smiling stupidly. “I’m just gonna dance to a few songs and head back home.”

“I don’t have to worry right?”

“Nope,” Krystal smiled. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

That was the night it happened.

*

“I shouldn’t have gone without Se—“

“Don’t say his name.”

The rain gains weight and drizzles above their heads, wetting their hair and clothes, drops landing on their faces. Kai wasn’t the first in Taemin’s priority list. Although they had promised each other ‘bros over hoes’, the girl Taemin fell for was no hoe.

*

Taemin looked at her glinting eyes, her smile sincere and her bangs giving a hidden personality look. And she did have a hidden personality. Although Sulli was quiet and didn’t say much, she laughed heartily with her beautiful voice. She would play her favourite songs every time the five of them fell into silence in the car and she would start singing. And everyone would just listen. She was a natural charmer. And Taemin had always seen it since grade school.

But she didn’t see him.

“Oppa!” her voice rang through Taemin’s ears. Sulli was referring to a close friend of hers through the phone. She obviously had something for him – the way her eyes grew slightly bigger every time his name came out on her phone screen, and how her voice was always gentle and small when she talked to him. Taemin could only watch. Then when he felt that pain in his chest, he would look away.

*

“Sulli…”

Krystal doesn’t say anything. She hears Taemin’s voice hoarsely saying it. She sighs. “We can’t go on like this.”

“Why are you pretending like we did nothing wrong?!” Taemin finally screams. He looks at Krystal furiously, his eyes are red from trying to stop the tears. The rain makes it hard to tell the difference between his tears and raindrops. Krystal doesn’t say anything. That night was too hard for him. But it was just as hard for her.

*

“A few more shots?” Taemin raised a glass at the bar and Krystal lifted up hers, already giggling from the alcohol. Taemin spotted Krystal alone on the dance floor and pulled her to the side when some men starting pinching her . Now they were drunk, not realizing the time, and forgetting about their lovers.

Krystal’s body hit the wall of Taemin’s house as he kissed her lips hard, her upper lip once in awhile. Krystal’s right hand was on the back of Taemin’s head, pushing him in for more. Her left hand reached out to undo his belt.

*

“Do you think I wanted things to turn out like that?!” Krystal shouts over the thunder. The rain is getting heavier and their clothes and hair are getting from wet to soaked through.

“Why did you go away?! Why did you run?!” Taemin shouts back.

*

“You’re not going to the club with Krystal tonight?” Kai asked as he was about to walk out of the door, going to get some dinner.

“Tonight my friend,” Sehun said, his arm swinging over Kai’s shoulders. “Tonight we’ve got a plan.”

*

“I won’t be here anymore if I stayed!” Krystal screams.

*

“You’re going to propose to her?” Kai asked. His stomach fell. His throat felt a bit dry.

“Yet another ingenious idea from the derpface.”

“Are you sure about this bro?”

Their doorbell rang and Sehun went to get it. It was Sulli.

“You ready to go ring shopping?” Sulli asked.

Kai’s jaw dropped. Sehun looked at him apologetically. “So, you coming?”

Kai took a few seconds to swallow all of this in. Later he decided that he should start moving on. He couldn’t hold on to Sehun forever. “I’ll get Taemin’s keys.”

*

“But I was all alone,” Taemin sobs, the rain falling on his face. A lightning flashes above them to give the two a short glimpse of each other in the night’s darkness. It is followed by another thunder. Krystal looks at Taemin with regret.

“I’m sorry.”

*

Krystal’s blouse was on the floor of Taemin’s house, along with empty pizza boxes, random comic books and the boxers he was wearing that night. Taemin was kissing Krystal’s neck when suddenly his phone rang.

“Sulli.”

Krystal jumped up from Taemin’s bed.

“Sehun.”

*

“I don’t want to be alone anymore.” Taemin moves closer to Krystal. He’s out of tears. He’s tired of crying.

*

“I’m sorry, your friends Kai, Sehun and Sulli were involved in an accident where the car was crushed against another car by a lorry. The lorry driver was drunk,” the female voice said through Taemin’s phone speaker. “Two are badly injured. It is unlikely for them to survive. One managed to escape with bearable injuries.”

“Wh-who is it?”

“The driver.”

*

“It was all our fault.” Krystal finally lets the tears flow out of her loneliness. But now they’re mixed with the incessant rain.

“That’s enough.”

*

“I don’t think I can ever forgive myself.”

Taemin looked at Kai. He had a bandage on his forehead over his right eyebrow. They believed that they would never see Krystal ever again. So they decided to go up the cliff one last time before moving on.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Taemin slowly gulped, remembering that night with Krystal. He secretly would never forgive himself either.

“Taemin, I want you to remember this,” Kai said. “Nothing’s gonna be alright after this. We will be scarred forever. But I want you to move on. We had happy memories. Everything was fine. Time waited for us. But only for so long.” He paused for a while, as if looking back and regretting everything. “I only want you to remember the happy memories. Let go of all the bad ones, and walk facing the front. Look back once in awhile; I want you to never forget us. But just walk straight ahead.”

Taemin only looked at the sun. He knew what was going to happen. But he decided he wouldn’t stop his friend.

“Promise me you’ll remember.”

“Promise.”

*

“Let’s think about the happy memories. Let’s just think about their laughs.”

Sehun’s laughter mixing over with the picture of his bloody face in the front passenger’s seat, crushed in between the hard metals.

“About their voices.”

Sulli’s singing voice ringing in their ears but their eyes only saw the innocent face pale in the hospital bed.

“And their smiles.”

Kai’s last smile as he removed his bandage in the red sunlight.

Krystal sobs into Taemin’s soaked chest. He pulls her in as she weeps.

“There’s nothing we can do. We only have each other now.”

Krystal’s scream echoes from the cliff down to the houses below it, slowly reaching the apartments further away, fading with the thunders and the lightning. There, standing in the rain, Taemin and Krystal only have each other. And they promise they will never leave the other. Because they are, the only reasons left to move on.

*

Is it pain or is it shame?