The ‘<<<’ refers to flashbacks and ‘>>>’ means it’s going back to the present.

When Baekhyun wakes up, the first thing he sees is something white.

It isn’t anything white like an unknown space or anything, just a white ceiling.

There’s a woman; dressed in uniform nurses at hospitals would wear standing next to him.

“Hello, Baekhyun-sshi. You’re finally awake.”

He first feels his head empty from anything, but the nurse’s words start making him stir out of blankness.

“Where am I?” he asks.

“You’re in a hospital, Baekhyun-sshi,” the nurse replies with a smile.

“Why am I here?”

“You were involved in an accident.”

Silence. “What accident?”

“A road accident. You were being hit by a car, well, almost.”

A car?Then something starts to click.

He remembers the noise of a car’s horn in the back of his head. And then a push.

A push. Someone pushed him out of the way.

He didn’t see the one who pushed him. He was closing his eyes at that moment.

He was so close to his death.

“Someone else took the hit for you,” the nurse adds, snapping Baekhyun out of his little trance.

When everything finally clicks together, he sits up straight on his bed in just a second.

“Who did it?” His lips are trembling, as if he has a hard time blurting it out. “Who took the hit for me?”

“I don’t know if I should say—”

“Tell me who did it!” he screams, cracking his voice at the end of his question. The nurse seems to be a bit scared by Baekhyun’s sudden change in attitude.

“It’s— Luhan. Luhan-sshi.”

<<< 

Baekhyun had decided to move out of his house. Well, more like getting kicked out, if you ask him.

He revealed to his family about him liking guys, and his parents didn’t take the news quite well.

His father was utterly furious. His mother didn’t know what to do from getting such information. His brother could care less. He supported his little brother no matter what.

It had been days since he let the news out, but he’d always get uneasy from the stares his parents gave him.

His father outright hated him, while his mother, while not hating him, still wanted his youngest son to change.

In the end, an inevitable fight broke out in the house. His father disowned him out of rage, and his mother couldn’t change his decision. At last, Baekhyun decided to pack his clothes, with a little help from his mother, who refused to let go of his son.

He knew he’d always love his mother for a reason, and he told her, it was time for him to get out of there anyway.

After saying goodbye to his mother, he also gave one last hug to his brother.

“I’ll miss you so much,” his brother said in the midst of tears.

He also went to his parents’ bedroom, where his father was lying on the bed, unavailable to the rest of the world. He just muttered his goodbye to him before stepping out of the door.

And when he was finally out, he breathed in the air outside of the house. It was so much better, he thought. He swore he wasn’t going to regret any of this.

His first getaway was his close senior who tutored him last year, Luhan. He had showed up on the elder’s apartment, asking permission to live there for a while until he could find himself a place to settle.

With a bright smile, Luhan said yes to him. And so he settled there for a while.

He had asked the elder’s help for finding him somewhere to work to pay for college (since he just couldn’t drop out for a reason), and Luhan told him to work in one place together with him, in a restaurant. The pay was not much, but it was better than nothing, the elder had said.

And so Baekhyun agreed to work there.

The restaurant wasn’t anything fancy, but it was a traditional kind, where most families would go to have their meal together. The manager thought with the addition of Baekhyun though, he might be able to attract youngsters to the restaurant. Coupled with Luhan, they were set outside to lure those said youngsters to enter.

“But, Hyung…” Baekhyun looked over the flashy hanbok he was wearing while standing outside. “This is not the reality I want.”

“Come on, Baekhyun-ah,” Luhan said in desperation, “Sometimes you do have to do odd jobs to survive. Besides with these clothes people will notice us easily and we can lure them even more quickly.”

“But why wearing a very old-fashioned hanbok outside? It’s spring and it’s getting warm here. I don’t know whether I could survive without drowning in my own sweat. Besides it’s really…embarrassing.”

“Just be thankful that you’re not dressing up in girls’ hanbok, okay.”

Baekhyun wanted to protest some more, but then thought about what Luhan said. The elder was completely right. He’d rather die than dressing up in girls’ hanbok while seducing people to come to the restaurant.

He sighed deeply, before finally turning to people passing around the place. With some pointers from Luhan, he managed to lure a few youngsters to enter the restaurant. What he didn’t expect though, was a really tall but familiar guy, too familiar for Baekhyun that he just froze at the sight of the guy inching towards the building.

“A…annyeonghase-se…”

“Annyeonghaseyo.” Luhan came to rescue to Baekhyun who were in the midst of bowing. The tall guy smiled, which was a rarity, and honestly, Baekhyun wanted to squeal on the spot.

“Oh, annyeonghaseyo,” the guy replied, and looked at them both with some kind of recognition. “Have I seen you guys before? I feel like you look familiar…”

Luhan shook Baekhyun’s shoulder, and the younger immediately straightened up, and stuttered a “yes”. When he didn’t say anything anymore, Luhan decided to take control of the situation.

“Yes, Kris-sshi. We’re on the same campus. In fact, Baekhyun here,” he gestured towards the said boy, who was still in his own oblivion, “has a few classes together with you.”

Kris looked a bit astonished, and then he looked at Baekhyun. “Oh, do we really…?”

Baekhyun couldn’t find his tongue out of nervousness, and he just nodded fervently.

“Oh, I see.” He looked up to the restaurant building, which caused Baekhyun to let out a sigh of relief silently. “Do you guys work here?”

“Ah, yes, we do. Do you want to try our restaurant’s menu? We have plenty of traditional Korean dishes, and they’re all delicious and also healthy for you.”

“Hmm, I think it sounds good. I’ll try it out.” He looked at Baekhyun and Luhan back and forth, then with a smile he told them, “You guys look cute with hanbok.”

After Kris disappeared behind the restaurant’s entrance door, Baekhyun felt his cheek getting warmer (and most possibly reddening as well).

Kris was the only reason Baekhyun hadn’t thought about dropping out of college.

He had seen the tall boy for the first time in his English class. It was a love at first sight, really. The tall boy would usually take the seat in front of him, and he overheard the other boy sometimes talking in perfect English. It only made the crush Baekhyun had for him deepening.

He really thought Kris was perfect, really perfect. And then he thought he was his destiny, after meeting him in another classes as well. And meeting him outside his working place made his belief stronger than ever.

“Hyung, should I just confess?” Baekhyun threw the question out of nowhere during a weekend, where they decided that day they would just stay in the apartment.

“Hmm?” Luhan seemed a bit surprised, but he concealed his surprise as fast as a lightning, that the younger didn’t notice. In fact, it almost seemed as if Luhan was curious about the question.

“You know, to Kris. Should I just confess to him or…”

“Oh.” Truthfully, listening to the question twice made Luhan felt disheartened.

“Don’t you think everything has been set up, Hyung? By anyone up there? I never believed so strongly in fate or other crap like that, but…I don’t know, it just feels like it is fate.”

“What kind of fate?” Luhan’s voice was shaking a little, but Baekhyun was too occupied with his own thought to ever notice about it.

“That we are meant to be together, you know. Oh God, it sounds so cheesy!”

When Baekhyun started laughing, Luhan couldn’t help but laughing along. When their laughter died down though, the elder boy dreaded what was coming out of the younger’s mouth next.

“Yeah, I think I should just confess. There was nothing wrong with it, right? He said I was cute back then. Oh my God, it was really unbelievable! Was it a dream, Hyung? Pinch me right here.” Baekhyun shoved his right arm for Luhan, but the elder just laughed at him.

“Well, it wasn’t really a dream, and I won’t pinch your arm, Baekhyun.” He looked at the clock hanging on the wall, trying to get over the jealousy growing inside him. “You know, we should go get dinner right now. It’s getting late.”

“Oh, okay. What are we going to eat tonight? What about we go to the new tteokbokki restaurant on the way to the campus?”

“That sounds great. Let’s go.”

That day, Luhan had waited for Baekhyun in front of the university gate after all the classes are over. Strangely though, there was absolutely no signs of the younger approaching him and whatnot. Luhan grew increasingly worried, and finally decided to search for him before they got scolded for showing up late on their workplace.

He had gone to check the class Baekhyun attended last that day, but the room was completely void of any presence. He went to check other classrooms too, but nope, no signs of Baekhyun at all.

After frantically searching for Baekhyun here and there, he decided that the rooftop would be his last resort. And even though he didn’t expect Baekhyun there, he found him right there.

The younger was standing on the ledge of the rooftop, and Luhan could easily see his shoulder slumping bitterly from his back. He walked closer to the younger slowly, caution dripping from each step he took, and attentively reached out to him with a hand.

“Baekhyun-ah,” he called the younger softly, but he didn’t react at his name being called. When he shook his body, he didn’t react. Once Luhan’s patience reached its limit, he finally turned the younger’s body around, careful to take him away from the rooftop’s edge, and Baekhyun had faced him, with both eyes closed.

But Luhan took notice of his quivering lips, and how Baekhyun’s eyes seemed to close even tighter each second passing. He was crying, but he tried not to.

Luhan didn’t know exactly what to say, but he was so very worried about Baekhyun he wanted to cry too seeing him like this, but instead he pulled his dongsaeng in a tight hug.

After a while, Luhan caught the sound of a sob released from the younger. And another one. And another, until he was completely bursting out all his tears.

Luhan’s heart tightened at the sound, but he then whispered to Baekhyun, “It’s okay. Just let it all out,” and had started crying as well, but silently, so silently that the younger could barely notice the drops falling from the elder’s eyes.

When he was feeling calmer, Baekhyun finally opened up about him crying. He had been brave enough to confess to Kris at last, but he was turned down, and well, he went to the rooftop soon after that. He thanked Luhan for coming to comfort him when he was down that day with a smile, but seriously, Luhan wasn’t perfectly settled with all that, since Baekhyun’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. But he had replied with a smile of his own, and making sure that it was all right, everything would be all right.

He meant it not just for Baekhyun though. And also he felt slightly guilty that he couldn’t be completely sad for his younger friend.

For a few days after that, Baekhyun seemed to have gone back to his normal self.  He seemed to smile easily these days, but even though Luhan thanked Gods for that, his eyes sometimes looked so distant that it almost made him worried once again. But whenever Baekhyun looked at him and a smile started forming on his lips, he could only fall deeper for his charm. But he wouldn’t let anyone knew about it, of course.

One day when they were working outside the restaurant though, Baekhyun had seemed to fall into his greatest emotional breakdown yet.

His family (or former family, to be exact) had appeared in front of the restaurant. Father, mother, brother, they were all there. And the smile that he used to attract all the customers in was nowhere to be seen.

His mother wanted to wrap his son in a really tight hug, and his brother wanted to trap him in a headlock when they saw him, but they were held back by his father. The elder man didn’t even bother to look at him as he grabbed his wife and son away from the restaurant, to who knew where.

Luhan who had been watching all this looked over to Baekhyun intently, and the younger had a dumbfounded expression mixed well with sadness and bitterness all over his face. Tentatively Luhan stepped closer to the younger, patting him lightly on his shoulder.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked in worry.

But Baekhyun had shrugged the expression off his face; he smiled brightly, so bright that it didn’t even sit right with Luhan anymore. “I’m okay, Hyung. Don’t worry.”

Luhan let it slide for a moment, but he noted to himself that he needed to keep an eye on Baekhyun intently.

One day when Luhan woke up in the morning, he felt like a mess. He had a nightmare about Baekhyun. He saw the younger was being hit by a car, and he absolutely just stood and watched in the dream. He shook his head over and over again until he felt dizzy enough. He ended up wobbling out of his room before he took a steady step into the bathroom when the dizziness in his head had gone away.

He wasn’t fully prepared to see Baekhyun sitting on the floor, with blood oozing out of his wrist, and a kitchen knife on his good hand.

For one second, Luhan’s mind had gone blank. It wasn’t until the next second that he finally realized what was going on that he crouched to the boy’s side, throwing the knife away from both of them, asking him over and over again whether he was alright or not while making sure he was still alive and awake (and thankfully, he was) before pulling out the first aid kid from the bathroom’s drawer. He repeatedly washed the injury on his wrist before drying it slightly and putting an ointment and wrapping it in a bandage.

He looked up at the injured boy after doing all the work to save his life, meeting with a pair of dark eyes, void of emotions. It was completely empty, and he didn’t even try to cover it up anymore. Luhan’s brows had furrowed deeper now, if they hadn’t previously.

“Oh, Hyung? You’re here?” he asked, tone somewhat weak and bitter Luhan had to struggle to pull himself together mentally to stop tears from flowing right there, because seriously, looking at Baekhyun’s condition like this broke his heart so much he wanted to scream at all the bastards who had made his Baekhyun turn into this empty shell.

“Yes, I’ve been here since five minutes ago,” Luhan tried speaking with a smile, but it faltered every time since he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Baekhyun, even when he was in this kind of situation.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Hyung. I didn’t notice.” He looked down to his bandaged wrist for as long as he could. “Were you the one who did this, Hyung?”

Luhan hummed in response, as he grabbed the younger’s chin to bring his head to his level. “Why did you do all these, Baekhyun-ah?”

Baekhyun let out a hollow chuckle, as his head rolled back on the wall, looking up at the white ceiling of the bathroom. “I didn’t remember, Hyung. I think I was truly…depressed? I, uh, don’t know. Their faces were floating when I did it…”

“Whose faces?” Luhan demanded.

“…My dad. Or should I say ex-dad. My mom. My brother. Kris.”

Luhan was slightly disappointed when Baekhyun didn’t mention his name at all. But his disappointment was only short-lived after Baekhyun started speaking again.

“I saw your face too.” He looked down at his wrist again. “I think it was the last thing I saw before I stopped.”

Luhan followed the younger’s gaze to his wrist, and suddenly understood what he had meant.

“When your face conjured up in my mind, I started thinking whether you’d be sad if I leave. I stopped then.”

Without his realization, Luhan had nodded his head fervently and pulled him in his embrace.

“But it was satisfying enough to see the amount of blood coming out,” he mouthed without making an actual noise, aware much that he was still in Luhan’s hold. He thought it was alright, for now.

Since he had lost a lot of blood earlier, Luhan became so careful when he held the younger’s pale arm like holding precious porcelain which was ready to break any time. He told Baekhyun to take a rest and drink some vitamins to get the lost blood back. After that, Luhan left for college since he was almost late for his first class of the day, and asked Baekhyun not to go everywhere and he’d filed in a sick report for the younger to his lecturer, and he’d go back somewhere between his lunch break to, well, bring him lunch.

The thing was, when he got back with lunchbox in his hand, he went straight to Baekhyun’s room and found it to be empty.

“Baekhyun?” he called out everywhere to every room in the apartment, but he was nowhere to be found. He exhaled exasperatedly before leaving, but he was greeted by his landlady when he was outside.

“Luhan?”

“Oh, Ajumma. What is it?”

“Just want to remind you to pay the rent. I’m waiting until this weekend.”

“Okay, I got it.” He looked hesitantly at his landlady, but he guessed he’d asked anyway. “Ajumma… did you see Baekhyun outside the apartment?”

“Hmm? Well I did see him leaving somewhere when I was busy in the kitchen. I don’t know where he went though.”

“Okay, thank you, Ajumma.” Luhan bowed to the lady before running outside the apartment building.

He was really close to his destination already. Even though his legs were still unable as the blood from the inflicted injury on his wrist had caused it, he thought he couldn’t give it up. He was strong enough, in his belief.

He had just realized it. He had to do it, and after crossing the street, he thought he would be able to go there.

The light turned green, but he was still deep in his thought, even with so many people already taking their chance to cross the street. He only woke up into the reality after someone had stumbled into him; making his legs gave way and fell on his knees. He then snapped out really fast, and struggled to get back to his knees. With no one else in the way, he took his chance to cross the street.

Somewhere in the middle, he heard a car horn really loud in his ears. Indeed, a car was approaching in a high speed. He made a mistake by looking at the source of the noise, because now, his legs were frozen. Actually, all of his body parts were numb. He didn’t watch it approaching anymore. He just closed his eyes. And nothing else registering in his mind but a familiar touch on his back before his consciousness left him.

>>> 

The door opens widely, revealing an unconscious Luhan lying on the bed, life supports attached on each part of his body like his life depends on them.

Well, it kind of really does.

Baekhyun feels a pang in his heart, looking at his favorite hyung this way. He may have understood what Luhan had felt when he saw him trying to take his life, because really, it hurts. Not physically but emotionally, and it feels a thousand times worse than the slit on his wrist (because really, he didn’t even feel anything when he pushed the knife into his skin).

He asks the nurse who has taken him here to leave him for a moment, and she obliges. She closes the door behind him, and he approaches the bed where the elder lays stiffly.

Looking over his face (which is full of scratches; Baekhyun thinks they shouldn’t be on such a pretty face like Luhan’s) makes him even more guilty. He made such a huge mistake. He should’ve had listened to him. He should’ve had never left the apartment. He should’ve had waited until Luhan brought him lunch, but why would his foolish mind act very impulsively? He keeps cursing to himself in his mind, his hand gripping on the edge of the bed as a surge of tears starts overwhelming his vision.

“Why did you save me?” he asked through his tears. “If you hadn’t you wouldn’t end up like this.”

Luhan’s face is still calm; he looks like in a deep sleep. But Baekhyun is not willing to let it be like this.

“Hyung, I know you can hear me.” He reaches out to Luhan’s weak hand, holding them tight. “I’m sorry, Hyung. I’m so sorry. I’ve been a bad dongsaeng to you. If I had listened to you it wouldn’t end up this way. But everything has happened. And I can only ask you a favor right now, Hyung. I don’t want to lose you. You’re the only one I have right now. So please don’t leave me alone. Without you, I’m nothing. Nothing at all. Please…please…”

He can’t speak anymore in the end, because the bursting tears have overwhelmed him greatly. He keeps holding the weak hand tightly; he doesn’t realize a slightly added pressure in his grip.

There’s a visible scar on his wrist. Every time he looks at it, it reminds him all the time about how life is so precious and you won’t know what you have until you lose it.

Baekhyun doesn’t want to lose anything. Not for the second time, third time, or ever.

Okay, this is kinda lame, I think. But still, subscribing and commenting are welcome~