It was autumn, and Kris just finished his last job very well. And it was also the first time Kris ever see a boy like him, walking on the street while biting his lower lip, eyes red and cheeks all wet. A crying boy, at a crowded street. The boy probably sixteen or seventeen. There’s nothing special with that boy. Just... Kris smiled by seeing him cry. He looks cute. Adorable.

 

Until then Kris discover that boy’s name. Tao. Huang Zi Tao. From that day on, not sure it’s destiny or something else, Kris met him so often. On the street, on the park, at Han river... and at where Kris was currently working.

 

One day, after months passed, Kris couldn’t hold it anymore. Being all around that boy and not being able to control his pounding heart anymore, he approach Tao first. That boy was looking seriously at the two fighter on the ring, throwing kicks and punch at each other. He seems interested, Kris can tell it by the sparkling on his eyes.

 

“You like the show?” Kris asked the amazed Tao. Without even bother looking at Kris, Tao nodded.

 

“I am Kris.” and that name succeed to make Tao turn his head to Kris’ direction. Tao looked at Kris for a moment, scanning and trying to save his face in his memory. And for a certain time, Tao couldn’t look away. This face in front of him was so much more that just perfect. He is almost unbelievable.

 

Without Tao even realize, he lifted his right hand to caress that face. He completely forgot what he is currently doing. He forgot that he was in the middle of hundreds human cheering for whoever fighting on the ring. His world, Tao’s world was taken aback by the perfection of this creature in front of him.

 

Kris, not being able to resist the soft touch of Tao’s palm on his right cheek, closed his eyes and trying to save as much Tao’s memory as possible. He wanted to be familiar with the touch, even when this first one sent goosebumps to his entire body. Just from this little touch from this stranger... for the first time of his life... Kris wants to open his buried heart... and learn to be ‘human’ again...

 

********************************************************************************

 

“Kris, why are you fighting?” Tao asked, one night at Kris’ small apartment. Kris is applying some medicine on his bruised forehead, right beside Tao who was looking at him with his panda eyes.

 

“This is my job, Tao. I earn money from this.” Kris answered. Kris wincing in pain a little, and Tao narrowed his eyes.

 

“Is it painful?” Tao asked again, and Kris nodded.

 

“If it’s painful, why keep doing that?”

 

“...”

 

“If it’s painful, why don’t just stop?”

 

“...”

 

“If it’s painful, why—“

 

“Because I had no option, Tao. I had no option.” Kris looked at Tao’s eyes, deeply, as if he’s trying to carve his own reflection forever in Tao’s eyes. Kris’ eyes, wide as it is, don’t know why seems clouded by a heavy thing. Something he couldn’t share. Something he’s been hiding for a long time.

 

Tao lifted his right hand, and caress Kris’ left cheek as soft as he could, just like what he did on their first conversation. The only thing different is, now Tao perfectly remember how soft Kris’ skin feels on his palm, how unbelievable Kris’ face is until he thought it belongs to an angel, and how that face could bring a peaceful feeling to his poor heart, but in the same time can hurt like being stabbed by thousand knife.

 

Kris... is both his happiness and his sadness...

 

Kris closed his eyes, once again trying hard to save as much memory as he could. Trying hard not to forget how Tao can make him feels ‘normal’ again. Trying hard to just cherish the moment of their skin touching against each other without worrying about anything... Without worrying that this warmness of Tao’s palm against his cheek may anytime being forced to leave his side.

 

Because Kris knows how it feels when something being taken away from you in one blink of eye. And Kris know that this time... is not different from what he has been through. He knows too much of it... Just too much to realize that... sometime this person, his Tao will also being forced to leave his side.

 

Because he just don’t meant to be with anyone else but himself. No.

 

“You always had option, Kris... Always...” Tao said softly, almost like a whisper. Kris opened his eyes, only to greeted by Tao’s sharp one. Kris shakes his head a little.

 

“You don’t know, Tao...”

 

“Then tell me. Tell me, so I know what you’ve been through...”

 

Kris, once again, shake his head. If Tao sometime is going to leave him too, let him know only this side of Kris. The good side, the bright side. Let Kris hide his beast side from Tao. Just... let Tao consider him as a normal people. Normal people who deserves love too. Who has every right in this world to just choose whether he wants to do something or not.

 

“Receive me as what I am now, Tao... Just don’t let yourself know about me more than this... Please...” Kris, then lay his head on Tao’s shoulder. His forehead still hurts from his fight before, but flashbacks of his past now haunts him and hurts his head more.

 

Tao, being a little confuse, just caress the latter’s bronze hair. As his thought drive him to his own past... and as he feels the touch of his skin with the tall boy’s... It’s just too much.

 

“But what if I already know so much more than just this, Kris?”

 

*********************************************************************************

 

“KRIS!!!”

 

Tao run to Kris’ side. Kris was about to pass out, he was breathing heavily, his body was trembling, and his eyes were closed. What did those three men Tao just met in front of Kris’ apartment do to Kris? To his Kris?

 

“Hei, Kris, talk to me.” Tao slapped Kris’ face lightly, hoping that it could help him to regain his conciuosness again.

 

“Tao, my head hurts...”

 

Kris seems like about to cry, and Tao couldn’t stand to watch him in pain like this.

 

“What to do?” Tao asked, panic. “What must I do to help you?” Tao is on the verge of tears now. He never hope to face this situation again, never for his entire life. It’s enough to feel this kind of sadness, worriness, and frightness just once in your life. But this thing is brought to Tao’s life once again. Even Tao can still remember how it feels when he saw his brother dying, and now he has to feel the same thing again, twice as bad.

 

“Kris talk to me, please.... I’m scared.... I’m scared, Kris... Talk to me...” Tao hold Kris’ hand for his dear life. Kris seems like couldn’t stand it anymore. He’s beyond hurt. His lips is dry and trembling. And the worst thing is... Tao doesn’tk know what to do.

 

Kris wants to make a sound. Just a random sound to tell Tao that he’s still alive. That he will get better at any second. But he knows perfectly that it takes time to heal this kind of pain. He used to this pain, and he knows this too much.

 

“Kris... I love you, please don’t do this to me... Please not again... Please... I’m scared...” Tao hug Kris’ trembling body, hoping that it could lessen Kris’ pain, but obviously not.

 

Kris tried hard to control his own brain. To prevent that liquid they injected to his body spread to his brain, but he knows perfectly that it’s impossible. At least he wants to look at Tao, at his Tao, and tell him not to be scared. Tell him not to cry. Tell him that... He loves Tao too...

 

Tao buried his head on Kris’ chest, soaking Kris’ shirt with his tears. He is beyond scared. So so so scared until he feels like his brain couldn’t work anymore. What if Kris left him too? What if Kris go just like his brother? What if...

 

“T...Tao...” and the younger boy automatically raise his head, to look at his Kris’ pale face. Tao can see Kris opened his eyes, although just a little. It’s enough for now just to lessen his worry. Just to know that his Kris still by his side.

 

Kris’ brain gone blank for a moment, almost failed to notice what taste he feel on his lips. Almost failed to know that now he and Tao is not separated by any distance at all. That his lips and Tao’s are locked in a soft and warm kiss. Too soft... and... too beautiful to be exist in Kris’ life. Kris screwed and ed-up life. it’s almost unbelievable for him.

 

Tao pulled away from the kiss, and now he trailed Kris’ pale face with his hand. He cupped Kris’ face, to make sure that Kris is still looking at him. Just to make sure that Kris won’t be passed out and scared him to death.

 

“Don’t... Don’t ever dare to leave... Please... Please...”

 

Kris’ chest tighten, his heart feels hurt and heavy by seeing the younger boy’s tears. Although his entire body still numb, but Kris still manage to move his lips, just to say some comforting words for his Tao.

 

Kris shake his head a little, almost unnoticeable. He wants to smile, but failed. His heart now full with mixed emotion. He doesn’t know what, but somehow he feels like his chest is going to explode at anytime. He feels too happy... To have Tao in his embrace. But in the same time... too sad to know that... Tao finally in his embrace. It means their time to be together is getting shorter. He just know it, he doesn’t need anyone to remind him about this.

 

“I... won’t...” and that words is all that he’s manage to say at this time. He feels so weak. So sleepy. He wanted to sleep, so badly.

 

“You may sleep but promise me not to leave... Please...” And don’t know why, what Tao said is so funny for Kris. Of course he will not leave. Not with Tao in his embrace.

 

Kris can’t answer anymore, but let his eyelid closed and drive him to a far and dark place...

 

*******************************************************************************

 

“They control me, Tao. I’m theirs. I live for them, because of them...” Kris, sitting weakly on the sofa with a blanket on, trying to explain everything to Tao. And Tao, sitting on the floor right in front of Kris, listening in full concentration.

 

“Why is that? You are human, Kris. And human has right to control their own life.” Tao said, being as logic as ever. Kris smiled, reaching Tao’s right had with his bigger hand. He hold Tao’s hand, caressed the back of it with his thumb.

 

“But it’s not for me.” Kris said. “They once saved me from a great accident. I involved in that car accident with my parents, and they both died. Those men you saw earlier were the one who saved me back then. It was Jung Yunho, Shim Changmin, and Choi Siwon. They are... uhm... mafia, maybe? I don’t know either. They feed me, they chlothed me, and they trained me. They made me like this, they teach me how to survive, to be a fighter, how to—“

 

“Kill.” and just like that, Kris got surprised by what Tao said. Tao’s expression changed into a cold one. Kris feels something wrong, but he assured himself that it’s just his random thoughts.

 

“Yeah... Like that. They... teach me how to kill. They made me becaome a street fighter like this, and kills people. But Tao, now, I don’t want to be like that anymore. I stop killing people. I even don’t know them, so why would I kill them? But they forced me to. For a certain time, they drugged me. They injected something to my body, and it controls me. It controls me to be obedient to their command. I... I can’t... I don’t want to be like that anymore, Tao... I...”

 

Kris got surprised to see a drop of tears wets Tao’s cheek. He cried silently, looks so painful from something tortures him for a long time. Kris really want to comfort Tao, he wants to hug Tao and assure him that everything is alright. He tries to wake up from his position, and try to hug the younger boy. But surprisingly... Tao rejects him.

 

Again. This feeling come again. The feeling of how hurt it is to be rejected by someone he loves so much. Kris used to used to it. He used to be rejected, and he don’t mind it. He knows that there’s nothing he can do, because he knows that a beast like him should be alone.

 

But since Tao came... a piece of hope slowly crept to his heart. A hope that someday he can feel something that he longs for. He craves for compassion, and it hurts him even to search for it. He can only wait, and them Tao comes bring him a faith that he is a human too. He has a heart too. He deserve to be loved too.

 

And now... Tao rejects him.

 

“T...Tao?” Kris called him, doubtly.

 

“You had options, Kris... You had options...” Tao said, looking at the floor, while Kris looking at him confusely.

 

“What? What are you talking about?”

 

“You...,” Tao rise his head, just to make his eyes met Kris’. “You had options... not to kill my brother...”

 

Kris stunned. As if being struck by lightning. His entire body is going numb again, but now not because of pain. But because of what Tao is saying.

 

“Wha...what?” A drop of tears fall again from Tao’s left eye. It hurts Kris. It hurts him so bad, until he just wish himself to be vanished than to make his Tao cry like this.

 

“A year ago, Kris... A year ago, a seventeen year old boy like me had to go through so much pain because of you. I’m crying in the middle of the night, walking alone on the street... Knowing that my brother won’t back home after an illegal fight... You don’t know what you did, didn’t you? You don’t know, Kris... You don’t know how much it hurts to be left alone in this world...”

 

Kris knows this. He already understand... But...

 

“You killed my brother, Kris... You killed the only family left of me... You killed him... You, beast, you killed my brother...”

 

Tao sobbed uncontrolably on the floor, but Kris knows nothing to do. Suddenly, he surprised because he can feel his cheek wet. He is crying. Finally he is crying. His body is still weak, his head is still hurts, but he wants to comfort Tao. He get down the sofa, and approach the crying Tao silently. He lays his hand on Tao’s shoulder, not sure to apologize or just to comfort his Tao.

 

“Please don’t touch me... Please... Not with that hand which killed my brother... Please...”

 

And that words shatter Kris’ already shattered heart into ashes. It is crazily painful, seeing Tao sobbing his eyes out, and knowing that its cause is himself. It’s beyond hurt...

 

“If only you didn’t kill my brother, Kris... If only you saw your other options...”

 

Kris’ hand almost touched Tao again, but Tao suddenly stand up. Kris look at him, his cheeks are all wet, and his eyes are red.

 

“You know why they injected you again today, Kris?” asked Tao. Kris can only look at him with apologizing look.

 

“They want you to kill me.” And it shocked Kris’ world. “On the ring.” Kris just want to die at that moment. “Tomorrow.”

 

If only he can just die in front of this boy... His Tao whom he loved so much...

 

“No, Kris. You can’t die now.” Tao said, his tone is so cold, but a tear escaped his eye. “You will. Tomorrow. In my own hands. At least let me do my revenge, Kris. You can’t die now.” said Tao, and he turns his back painfully, then more tears streaming down his cheek. What did he just do? Kris... To his Kris?

 

“You already killed me, Tao... You already did...” Kris never really know what is pain in his entire life. No. Until today... Until this eighteen years old boy in front of him said those hurtful things towards him... It kills him. Hurts beyond repair...

 

Tao heard that. But he just want to go now, and let himself take a revenge for his dear brother.

 

“Why... it must be you, Kris?”

 

********************************************************************************

 

Kris keeps his promise. He showed himself up on the ring at the right time. He can see Yunho, Changmin, and Siwon on audience seat, waiting for him to be the winner of this round too. Kris get on the ring, staring blankly on Tao who is now standing in front of him.

 

Kris look deeply at Tao’s eyes, only want to save another memory of his Tao. Maybe... the last memory he could ever save with his Tao.

 

But all he could see in Tao’s eyes was... hatred.

 

Nothing hurts him more than that. It doesn’t matter anymore to him whether he’s alive or not. He wants to live his life for Tao... but now all his reason to live is gone.

 

There’s no reason to live anymore...

 

“I am really sorry, Tao...” Kris starts the speak, only to be answered by a really strong punch to his face. And by that, he can feel blood coming from his nose. Kris loses his balance, but he can manage to stand again.

 

“Tao... I... Just... in case you don’t know this...” another sequence of punch makes Kris kneel in front of Tao. Adn now Tao can feel his body trembling, and his tears streaming down his cheek.

 

“I... love you, Tao... I... really do...” and Tao can’t stand it anymore. It hurts him too much, but he has to take his brother’s revenge. He give another painful sequence of punchs and kicks to Kris’ already weak body, and stop right after he lost almost all of his strength.

 

And Kris, being strong as he is, keep his consciousness, just to hear in case Tao will say what he need to hear before he dies. But... no. Tao never say that words... No, even until his sight were all cloudy.

 

Tao kneel beside Kris’ laid body. he was bloody, and it was terrible.

 

Kris closes his eyes, trying hard to breath.

 

“I thought... you... don’t want me... to leave...” Kris managed to say, but Tao keeps silence. Just another tears, dropped from his red eyes.

 

Tao runs his hand through Kris’ bronze hair, and Kris can still feel that touch. Kris smile a little, unable to open his eyes anymore.

 

A drop of tears come from the corner of Kris’ eye. He can’t hear anything anymore. He loses his ability to hear... He knows it, he read it before that when you’re going to die, you can’t hear anything. So... this is his time...

 

But he still needs to hear something... He wants to speak, to ask Tao whether he loves him or not... but... He can’t even hear and see anymore...

 

Kris knows this is his ending... A sad ending... The saddest ending ever...

 

He even ready if God just send him to hell right away...

 

Until he can feel a warmness on his... lips? On his lips? He can still taste this familiar taste of his lover... Of this boy whom he love more than he wish he could...

 

he can taste the sweetness of that lips... And he knows that it belongs to... His Tao...

 

And suddenly he believes that this final touch of his Tao will bring him to heaven... with a smile...

 

Not sure if he can hear again. but he feels like hearing something...

 

“Because you are both my sadness... and my happiness, Kris... Wait for me there... I’ll be there soon...”

 

And Kris do nothing but smile.

 

“And I have no option...”

 

************************************************

 

English is not my first language... Please bear with me :)