His knees could no longer support his seemingly increased weight – it was as if his intense emotions had the ability to not only increase the pressure in his head but also increase his physical weight too. He leaned against the wall, letting his shivering back slide down it until he was just a heap trembling on the floor. His eyes should be painfully dry by now from all the tears he’d already shed, but they were not. His eyes still insisted on letting the liquid poor down his face through his scrunched up eyelids. He couldn’t see anything. He no longer wanted see anything – why would he when there was nothing of importance left for him to see anymore. There was nothing for him to smile with, laugh with, walk with and just be with at all; he was just alone on his own in a room void of anything but the rhythmic thumping of music emanating through the thin walls. The beats which normally relaxed him as he moved to them were hostile and pushing him away from them – from everything. They pushed him further into his now sealed off self. It was inside the sanctuary of his mind that he could escape from anything and everything with images that had, without his knowledge, become the core support to his very being. He curled up in attempt to hug the memories closer to him. He tried desperately to make the past the present once again.
 

 
“I’m Doojoon – Nice to meet you.” The taller boy smiled down at him with an open welcoming expression. Yoseob just returned the action to the boy, although more shyly. He felt out-of –sorts acting so nervous and anxious when normally by now he would be teasing, abusing or whacking anyone who Hyunseung had introduced him to. With Doojoon that rambunctious attitude of his was nonexistent and he was left the vulnerable, scared boy hidden beneath the surface façade that he had only ever shattered once before - once for Junhyung. He had torn down the walls for the boy he hardly knew when it had taken several years for Junhyung to reach that state – with seemingly instantaneously catastrophic results. Still here he stood before a boy who had smashed the walls with six words and smile; He couldn’t understand why the rules weren’t applicable to Doojoon. Why? Why was this boy so different?

As Yoseob continued to stare up wide eyed and flushed, Doojoon’s dazzling smile faded and was replaced by an expression of confusion. He looked to Hyunseung for help, but found none; the other boy’s facial expression was that of someone whose brain had just fallen out for some insane unknown reason. Doojoon awkwardly chewed on his lip. He looked down at the small cute boy who too was doing the same – except he saw the pavement and not the top of an adorable boy’s head.

“Erm – Yoseob –ah is something wrong?”

Yoseob’s eyes remained intently watching something that was obviously interesting yet unseen to the taller boy. “Nothing at all,” he mumbled almost inaudibly.

“Then – erm why are you watching the floor…?”

“Rocks are interesting…they’re natural and all that geography .” Doojoon chuckled at the boy’s comment. Yoseob finally peered up through his fringe and cautiously smiled – it was small, easily missed yet unbelievably breathtaking. Its beauty thawed the ice between them and soon they were laughing louder than ever before, they were talking more avidly than they had to anyone else previously and they were smiling the most genuine smiles of their lives. They did all this as Hyunseung stood with the same expression on his face from before, seeing no place for him in the bond between the two. The only possible position one was that of the third wheel.

That’s how it all started; with two smiles that led to so many more uncountable ones. That’s how everything started. That’s how the period of his life where he was most happy and free began and also how one of the darkest ones started to show its roots as well. It was through meeting Doojoon that Yoseob learnt that the saying ‘that every cloud has a silver lining’ works both ways.


 
From their first encounter onwards Yoseob and Doojoon became inseparable – where there was Yoseob the was Doojoon, where there was Doojoon there was Yoseob; everyone found it strange at first but soon they found the opposite to be disconcerting and odd instead. Despite being someone so new to the group, whenever he wasn’t present Doojoon left a void – a void felt the most Yoseob. He’d never admit it the boy in question but in the space of a few weeks Doojoon had quickly grasped the position of the person most important to him and never showed any inclination of letting go. Yoseob liked it – in fact he loved it. With Doojoon everything was so easy, so unbelievably easy.

Hyunseung retreated into the distance waving frantically and pulling Kikwang and Dongwoon by the wrists; Yoseob watched him until he was swallowed up by the horizon. He twirled to face Doojoon with a smile plastered on his face.

“ – carry me home!” Yoseob teased as Doojoon feigned insult.

“Carry your own fat home.” Doojoon jabbed in retort – Yoseob fell oddly silent without the necessary quip back.

“…I’m not really fat right.” As he quietly murmured the words he eyes were earnest as they looked at Doojoon awaiting the answer. Doojoon just smiled reassuringly and ruffled the shorter boys hair pulling him towards him – Yoseob protested violently but there was a small dusting of pink on each of his cheeks. He managed to wrestle himself free and was rearranging his hair when Doojoon started to walk off.

“Hey! You never answered me,” the look from before was replaced with one of playfulness. Doojoon just shrugged – Yoseob knew the answer, sometimes the two of them had no need for verbal communication, they just knew. Well actually it was most of the time.

Yoseob jogged until he was close enough to tightly link his arm with the other boys. He leaned into Doojoon’s side and sighed; he could do this with no one else – he had tried, but the always pushed him off and the rare times they let him cling on were never as comfortable as the welcoming warmth that emanated from Doojoon’s body and the way that Yoseob’s body fit perfectly into the others side. They continued walking in silence – it was neither uncomfortable and tense but instead friendly and warm. They were one of those pairs of people who could be together silently but contentedly, without having to try and fill the lack of dialogue with small talk. Awkward was not a word in their shared dictionary.

They continued to stroll along the pavement with no destination in mind just enjoying each other’s company. The moment was so simple, yet so breathtaking; Yoseob had the feeling that he would remember the perfection of this moment many years later. But then it shattered; his whole Narnia-like discovery in life was completely tainted with something he could only hope not to remember since it was bound to be painful – so, so painful. However he knew that that would not be true; the painful memories are always the ones that haunt us – and no memory could be darker that the ones associated with Junhyung. Junhyung who was now walking up with a bitter expression on his face. Yoseob froze.

“Looks like a got himself a new toy to about with,” Junhyung’s voice was saturated with detest and disgust as he stopped with a cruel grin on his face. Yoseob could physically feel the anger well up inside Doojoon as he understood the meaning behind the crude remark – he could feel the muscles become taught as he prepared to pounce, but Yoseob silently told him to hold back. He felt Doojoon relax slightly but a tense energy still seeped from him. Some part of Yoseob just wanted to yell “Get him and smash his ing face to pieces,” but he squashed it knowing that Junhyung was just a worthless person – but still the words hurt. After all this was a boy he’d been with for three years; they shared hugs together, shared sweet and passionate kisses together and eventually shared a sweaty bed together.  He couldn’t bring himself to believe that this was that boy because then he would be the boy who fell in love with such a twisted person. Then he’d be no better than the other.

“Not gonna deny it? Well you always were a .” The worlds came out as a snarl. Junhyung started towards them again; as he crossed the distance his face contorted into something so obscene yet so disgustingly human – Yoseob saw jealousy, hate, anger, hurt, sadism and viciousness hidden within its disfigured depths. The mix of the pure emotions repulsed Yoseob who cowered closer to Doojoon’s arm. He didn’t want to see it anymore. He couldn’t see it anymore. If he did the words that his mind always yelled when he thought of Junhyung would start their stubborn attack once again; and he was sure this time they’d win.

You did this. You created this. You broke him; you cruelly ripped his insides apart and left him to pieces due to your own selfish horrible ways. Yang Yoseob this is your entire fault. It was all you. You, you, you. You’re just a cruel bastard worthy of no one. Just face it.

The words struck with increasing force as Junhyung drew his seething face up to Yoseob’s and pulled the terror stricken boy roughly towards him and stared intensely into his eyes. Yoseob could feel his breath against his cheek. All he wanted to do was curl in on himself and revel in the truth of the words his subconscious chanted inside him. Junhyung held his gaze before he spat four words at Yoseob. They were four words that made a difference. They were the four words that Yoseob feared the most.

“This is your fault.”

Junhyung threw Yoseob at Doojoon and stalked off. Yoseob just remained immobile where Junhyung left him; Doojoon remained motionless for a few seconds before his arms wrapped comfortingly around Yoseob’s sides in an attempt to soothe the boy’s pain. The arms that he had once found so welcoming were cold to touch and felt somewhere far from where Yoseob stood in a world where four words were all that mattered. A world where four words were the only thing left because in a millisecond they had obliterated everything else. Yoseob didn’t know how to retain what was lost. His mind was clouded with negativity - everything but the thoughts in his head was hazy; Doojoon was no exception this time.

Doojoon looked down at the limp boy in his arms. His facial expression was so blank that it scared him – there wasn’t even any sadness or hurt displayed – just nothing. It was as if the unknown boy he had just met had completely destroyed Yoseob and he didn’t know how to bring back the bubbly, teasing boy that he’d grown to love. Although Yoseob was still unaware of this raw barely controllable attraction he had for him; well not yet anyway.

Tentatively his grasped Yoseob’s arms and lifted him up and turned him so he was facing his own nervous face. Yoseob’s eyes seemed not to see him; they were unfocused and tinged with red around the edges. Doojoon had only one method in mind of how he could make the boy see him again; not whatever it was that was preventing him from doing so. He leaned forward until his lips met Yoseob’s. At first Yoseob did not reciprocate but soon, as if he waking from a deep sleep, he started to move his own lips against Doojoon’s too; nervously on Doojoon’s lower lip. They didn’t care that they were standing in the middle of a residential area. They didn’t care who saw them. All that mattered was the heat that the sweet kiss created between them. It was heat each of them craved as they moved closer to each other and molded against each other’s bodies.

When they drew apart Yoseob was back to his normal self, although a lot more red. Yoseob smiled and Doojoon’s whole body relaxed; when Yoseob smiled the whole world just righted itself. It sounds strange but it’s true.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

Yoseob reached down and latched onto Doojoon’s hand with confident fingers and dragged the boy along the pavement. Doojoon grumbled but he was hardly protesting as Yoseob ran ahead of him with his hair wildly flying around creating a haphazard halo around his beaming face. The imaged engraved itself in Doojoon’s mind. It was an image of pure uncontaminated innocence. Little did Doojoon know about the new words that were now stuck on repeat for Yoseob.

You’re going to do the same to Doojoon.

He was hiding them as best he could.


 
Eventually Yoseob told Doojoon about the ‘Junhyung Story,’ Doojoon was an avid listener and at the tale’s close he encircled his boyfriend in a warm bear hug. Murmurs of ‘it’s not your fault’ were the only words shared that night. Instead they shared something else; a passionate heat that grew within them as reassuring light kisses became desperate ravenous ones. Comforting fleeting touches soon became sensual and successful in their desire to make Yoseob moan and writhe beneath them. Sweat was a welcome film all over their bodies as they mixed with other liquids and Doojoon and Yoseob moved together discovering pleasures uncharted and addictive. With two hands creating scars on Doojoon’s shoulders and an arched back Yoseob groaned as a pure sensation of pleasure overtook his trembling body and set him free before leaving him to collapse down exhausted onto the sheets below. Doojoon lay equally exhausted and satisfied above him. The heat was quelled and all that was left of the moment was sloppy kisses before they both slipped off into a dreamless sleep. Yoseob had one arm around Doojoon and his face nestled into the man’s side. He thought the warmth would squash the negativity within him and allow him to be with Doojoon without the bonds his subconscious had wrapped around him. However his guilt was stronger than that. It was far stronger.


 
All it took was a phone call for everything to come crashing down – for it all to shatter into tiny sharp shards and fall on Yoseob, ripping his body and heart to pieces. One phone call and Yoseob once again welcomed a familiar loneliness. However it was so intense that it had him throwing up on his apartment floor as a cold sweat broke out all over his body. One second he was laughing as he watched Super Junior’s Exploration of The Human Body and the next he was nothing – just an empty vessel with only a name to distinguish his as a human being.

He managed to gain some sort of control over his body as he soon found himself with a key in the ignition of his car as he drove recklessly down the main road at break neck speed. He only had his destination in mind. All he could see were two dark brown eyes that were growing increasingly distant - he could sense them fading; he wanted anything but that to happen. He didn’t care if his careless driving resulted in his own death – maybe things would be better that way; maybe they’d be so much less painful. 

He drove right up to the front door and abandoned his car, door open and key in the ignition as he ran into the building. It didn’t matter to him if it was towed away or even stolen; none of it mattered at all. He flew through the front doors and broke into a sprint as he went through the endless disinfected corridors; their white colour hurt his eyes as he tried to find the one man he was looking for. When he did things only got worse. Everything got infinitesimally worse.

Doojoon lay there but Yoseob didn’t see him – all he saw was a stranger; a grey, bruised and bloodied stranger who looked broken beyond repair. This couldn’t be Doojoon; Doojoon could never be this close to deaths door. But when the patient smiled Yoseob knew it; this was Doojoon, his boyfriend. He ran forward and took the man’s hand and gripped on with all he might. The tears were uncontrollable as they ran down his face and fell onto Doojoon’s hand which was growing paler and paler at an alarming rate.  In his lover’s eyes he could see the resignation –Doojoon knew, as did Yoseob, that the result was inescapable. However Doojoon was able to admit it. He lifted a trembling hand and cupped Yoseob’s drenched cheek.

“Seobbie - I have to go and leave you alone, but always know I love you.”Doojoon’s voice shook and the effort it took to say the words was obvious, not to mention the pain. “Take care of yourself.”

Doojoon smiled one last time before his hand fell down again and his head turned away from Yoseob. Somewhere he could hear a loud beep – he couldn’t figure out where from though. He felt frantic hands dragging him out of the room and could see Doojoon’s body shake as the doctors placed a large machine on his bare chest repeatedly. He saw them stop and put the machine away, draw the curtain and walk away. Yoseob never saw Doojoon’s smiling face again. Yoseob never saw Doojoon’s confused face again. Yoseob never saw Doojoon’s angry face again. Yoseob never saw Doojoon’s face again at all; except a few weeks later when it was framed for all to see with a permanent smile gracing his handsome features. Yoseob sat numb in the hospital wing as he was offered drinks, assistance, anything and as other victims of the accident were rushed into the Emergency Room. All of this happened but Yoseob saw none of it, Yoseob heard none of it; he was secluded to his world of silence and infinite darkness once again. He sat immobilized until something broke the silence.

I told you so.

Yoseob curled down into his lap and sobbed. Yoseob wailed and he can’t recall when he stopped.


 
He sat on the cold floor in the backroom of the club. The memories were still fresh as were the emotions which had gripped him so tightly since that fateful day. Slowly he lifted himself from the floor in a zombielike daze and stumbled over the door. He had to satisfy Doojoon’s wish; he had to live – he couldn’t do it for himself but he had to do it for Doojoon’s sake. No matter how much he wanted it all to end so he could be with Doojoon again be it heaven, hell or some other afterlife; he knew he couldn’t. He would disappoint Doojoon if he did. He turned the door knob and entered the room where his intoxicated friends laughed and joked; he sighed and threw himself into the chaos headlong. He pretending he was fine. He pretended he was still a whole person. He pretending he was still the Yang Yoseob he’d always been. He did it all to the new repetitive chant inside his head that had become the core of his being.

Wish you were here.

A/N - Still don't like how I got rid of Doojoon in this... But my unoriginal brain couldn't come up with anything better ...