Sigh.

Come on, G-Dragon. Breathe in—breathe out.

How long has it been now? Four? No, seven years? Yeah—seven pointless years ever since I debuted into this industry. I have seen idols come and go. I have felt the thrill and the ennui of this career. My shelf is literally full of trophies and record-breaking singles.

I can’t seem to picture myself sulking like this before, you know, when I was still an innocent trainee filled with dreams, simple and happy. I always thought that having the opportunity to do what you’re meant to do was supposed to be something breath-taking.

Yeah—it is breath-taking. The kind where in you slowly lose your sanity because of the never ending riddles and back-stabbing and accidents and the worst?

It’s knowing that you have nobody to comfort you. Nobody to simply smile when you make a mistake, so unlike the criticizing eyes of everybody around you who are waiting for that very mistake to pull you back. Nobody to understand you like before.

I’m not saying that I don’t have friends that are willing to comfort me; there’s Youngbae for example—a best friend before a best friend now. The rest of the Big Bang dudes are also there. They were more than comrades or band members for me, I treat them as brothers as they treat me as their own. The rest of the YG family actually is very supportive when it comes to a family member.

But it’s just inevitable for me to look for another kind of comfort, there’s this empty space deep in my heart that I tried to fill in with images of other women and I failed miserably. Or in other words, my beating organ kept on refusing my candidates.

I mean, as a man—I look for the kind of comfort that you would only see in a woman. I long past the stage where in I look for the comfort of either my mother or my sister. So you see, I am looking for the kind of security you could see and feel in a lovers’ embrace.

No—as a celebrity, women had come and go in my bed. I entered relationships here and there. Some, I treated seriously while the others were just flings or for entertainment purposes only.

Maybe that’s why Kwon Jiyong changed so much. That’s what Teddy-hyung said anyway, about me missing something or rather, someone, for me to lose a certain edge when I perform or record or write songs.

The air conditioning was quite cooler than before, but all I could feel was numbness. Nope, it’s not just jet-lag, though that’s what I told Youngbae—that I am suffering a three-day worth of jet lag. But that won’t stop my best friend to actually come here in my room to drag me out of it.

He said that Bom-noona, invited us to come to her club. To celebrate something, they said.

I looked at my lyric book, the first one I ever had way before YG discovered that I could write songs too. The one which contained the first songs I ever composed, the one which contained my most honest feelings and ideas. However, the one which contained the songs which never got the chance to be released the songs are too precious for others to hear.

The emotions were raw—the love was too overwhelming.

Instead, I use them as inspirations. I produced hot-songs because of it. As I scanned the pages of the worn-out notebook, I could feel the flashbacks flooding my mind and heart. And once again, I faced the pictures that I kept in it—a form of unbreakable link to my beloved past.

Can you actually believe that young as I was before, I already had the guts to say the words, I love you towards a girl? And yet I did. Hunchae, saranghe.

I really don’t understand why she just disappeared like a bubble after she knew that I was going to debut.

You might say that I should just hate her, loathe her because she didn’t say anything. But you see, that’s the problem. I couldn’t hate her. In fact, she was the very reason why my heart couldn’t accept the women that I tried so hard to love.

She was my everything. My first best friend, my first girl friend and my first love.

She was the one behind my first hit song.

Why I can’t hate her? Because I could feel that somehow, it was my fault why she left. The problem is though, I don’t know what did I do wrong.

I quickly dressed into something simple and hurried to go to the bar that others are.

The trip wasn’t that exciting and sooner than I expected, I was already in the bar they were talking about. It wasn’t a club, it was a simple bar where in people chill and listen to the band playing.

I found the guys seating on a couch in front of the stage but a little to the left. As usual, Seunghyun-hyung and Bom-noona were cuddling as if the five months of being away was too much torture for them.

If five months was a torture? What do they call my situation?

Dara-noona and Youngbae were talking to each other the usual. Dara-noona works at a café near the company and that’s where Youngbae met her.

If you’re looking for our maknae’s, the juniors weren’t there. Daesung went to his family and Seungri chose to bond with his middle school friends.

Great, now I felt like a fifth wheel—if ever such thing existed.

“Incase you guys haven’t noticed, I’m here now.” I told them as I signaled at a waiter for a drink. Well, at least that caught their attention. “Great to see you after three days, Ji.” Seunghyun-hyung told me.

“Hey, Ji—I brought your favorite muffins.” Dara-noona said as she showed a paper bag that probably contained my present favorite treat. However, no muffin would really ease my mood except for a good beer or two. “Um, yeah—thanks, noona.” I replied.

“Okay, my friend is on in a few minutes so let’s just patiently wait.” Bom-noona said after she sipped from her wine. I raised a brow as Youngbae voiced out my thoughts. “Friend? Didn’t you say that we were celebrating something?”

The red haired vocalist just gave an awkward smile. I could smell something fishy right at this moment. Park Bom-noona is one of the solo artists in the company by the way.

“Well you see, I have this friend whom I met in a bar back when I was still training in America.” She said as she fidgeted on her seat. “I really, really like her voice and I tried so hard to convince her to audition but the girl just won’t budge.”

“Okay? So which part do we actually come in?” Seunghyun-hyung asked as Youngbae and Dara-noona chuckled, I just smirked—quite enjoying the talk between the aliens.

“Baby Rin is visiting Korea and the owner of this bar knows her then asked her to perform tonight. So I want you guys to meet her, you know, and maybe you could enlighten her to finally bring her career into another level.” I frowned at the mention of the name.

Somehow it sounded like her name. A name which I know too much, a name I know I mutter in my sleep.

Before everybody could actually retort on what the female alien said, music played.

A spotlight was turned towards the center of the stage where in a girl with long blonde hair was seated beside a guy who was playing the piano. Despite the dim lighting, I could see that she was pretty.

Dressed in a simple tank top, ankle length skirt and some sandals, she was plain and yet elegant. Like she was walking the African streets.

However, her fashion sense was only second to the kind of familiarity I could sense in her. I was getting excited and nervous like the way I confessed to my first love a few years back.

But then—when she started singing, I knew something else is up for me.

Do you wanna be a poet and write
Do you wanna be an actor up in lights
Do you wanna be a soldier and fight for love

“Noona?” I called at Bom-noona who was already listening carefully to the singer. I am afraid to name her. Too much afraid that I might be correct and that the heavens have given me my second chance.

The problem is though—how?

“Who is she?” I asked. My heart was already slamming my rib cage but I didn’t care. I want to know.

She looked at me as if realizing I was actually there. “Oh—you mean Baby Rin? She’s Lee Chaerin… Oh yeah—in case you also want to know, Ji…”

So I was right. Nobody could really tell how I feel righ…

“And she’s married.”

I want you to burn
Burn for me baby
Like a candle in my night
Oh burn burn for me burn for me