Songfic: Elliott Smith - I Didn't Understand




Sunny was sitting at the bus station, her feet up on the bench she was sitting on, her back leaning against the glass wall behind her.
The rain around the cubicle felt slightly comforting to her. It mirrored her own turbulent state of mind, and made her feel like she wasn't alone. It wasn't heavy rain, just enough for the sky to be completely grey, and for the world around her to appear a bit surreal.

The bus she was waiting for wouldn't be arriving for another 40 minutes. She expected to be left alone for at least another half an hour, which, when she got there, was a thought that gave her great comfort, as she would be left to cry in peace. Now, however, it seemed like there were no tears left. Like there had never been any.
She let her head fall back against the dirty glass, her wet hair sticking to her slightly damp neck. She wished the constant pounding of nervousness would stop haunting her, she wished she could just relax and erase all the fears of that someone would... find her. Find her out. That they would see where she... well, that she was going away. Somewhere far away.

She didn't even know where she was going. She couldn't care. All she wanted was to get away from this place. This place with the quiet streets and the loud place she usually called home.
At *her* place. Where she spent all her days... being in love. Or, what she thought was love.
She looked upon herself as something of a... romantic failure. She had seen relationship after relationship fall apart, one by one - if those things really could be called relationships. Boys and girls admiring her, clinging to her, being so busy touching her hand or her face to notice that she just wanted to get away. Having them stop thinking that they could one day fall in love with her.
She knew they wouldn't.

And then there'd been *her*. The thin face and the ice cold exterior, that absent look on her face whenever they were in an interview on stage, that face that could make the entire crowd laugh just by putting on a neutral expression.
Yes, Sunny had known Jessica long before that... that first kiss. A moment of weakness. Or strength? Longing?
Sunny didn't know what, and she didn't really care. All that mattered was that it had brought them together and now she wasn't even sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

The beginning had been wonderful. She had been so happy that she had finally found someone who could stand to be around her, and someone who she... actually trusted when she said she didn't care about her flaws.
Her introversion, her sometimes cold responses when Jessica would ask if they could do something, her need to be alone and not let anyone get close to her feelings.
This girl didn't care.
And by not caring about Sunny's mistakes, Sunny suddenly felt she could let her in.
But not all the way.
She could let her touch her, make love to her, and there had been some days when she could cry on her shoulder.
Almost open up.
But most of the time she still closed the door behind her when she felt every bad aspect about herself close in on her.

Sunny stomped her feet in anger on the bench, and the thud echoed softly and meaninglessly through the sound of the rain. The memory of all the happy times they'd had together made her stomach ache with anger again.
She could have remembered all the good times with a song in her heart, if it wasn't for the time when they... started to change. Suddenly take a turn of blame, for no apparent reason.
Jessica would take her cold to new levels. She would make jokes at Sunny's expense around their friends, hell, even on stage. Sunny would at first not know how to react, but then play along and put on her aegyo face, and everyone would laugh.
But to fake a smile in those situations wasn't easy.

The rest of the girls knew about Sunny and Jessica, of course, and they thought their bickering on stage was very cute.
Even though she loved them all, she couldn't help but despise... well, she didn't know who. Taeyeon, who would laugh the loudest? Hyoyeon, who would keep the jokes going?
Jessica?
Or herself?

She tried to forget about it until they came home to the apartment that night, and she would straightforwardly ask Jessica what the hell she was trying to do.
And Jessica's cold expression from the stage would be there. Something that Sunny never thought would happen.
And Sunny's blame for Jessica turned around on herself when Jessica would start shouting back at her, about how she never opened up, of how she didn't know the true sacrifices and sharing of love and relationships, and that she only had herself to blame for her past lovers walking away from her.
And Sunny would find herself in a daze, shouting out thoughts she had never even entertained in her head.
And it would slowly fall apart.

She covered her face in her hands and tried to force those tears to fall. It was too much to just stay inside of her.
Their relationship wasn't even supposed to be a lasting thing, she angrily thought to herself. Why should she care?
It was supposed to be a one-time comfort thing, but before they knew it, five months had passed.
And Sunny knew what she was feeling, and she was falling in love. Though she had, in her naiveté, tried to scrub away her feelings in the shower, covered her head under her pillow at night, she couldn't get them away.
At last, she admitted that it felt good.
But that scared her more than anything else.


So, everything had lead up to tonight. All the fighting, the distance that slowly crept up between them, had put them here.
Sunny hadn't done more than walk in the door when it started. The rain already had her in a slightly bad mood, and the lack of attention from Jessica had just ticked her off.
She hadn't meant to start yelling because Jessica gave her a hug instead of a kiss, she didn't mean to becoming so angry because Jessica wanted to watch her favorite show on the television when Sunny had one of the rare times where she wanted to open up to her.
But she had, and hell had exploded at her.

"You're never there for me anymore."
"What?" Jessica had just stared at her, in disbelief, and Sunny almost didn't want to continue.
"Yes, you're never there. I can't believe you just keep pretending you have... feelings for me, or what I should call them." She felt how harsh it was just as the words left . Jessica had just scoffed at her.
"*I'm* not there for *you*?"
"You're not! You keep telling me to open up, and still you..." Sunny felt helpless.
"Why should I open up to you when you just keep me at such a distance?"
"I don't." Sunny didn't want to hear of it again.
"Yes, you do. I barely know half the time if you're just with me because you think you have to, if you're just punishing yourself or *what* it is that's going on in your head." Jessica's words hit so close to home that Sunny felt herself get defensive.
"I don't know what the hell you are talking about."
"Right, right, of course." To Sunny, there was almost nothing more hurtful than Cold Jessica's sarcasm. Especially at a time like this.
"I don't."
"I don't even know if you ever really even liked me! It's like when we went from friends to... *more*, I just lost all meaning to you." Sunny just glared at her. "You keep telling me you don't understand why all your relationships just break, but I do, okay? You have no sense for sharing, you don't understand sacrifice, you don't know how to love."  And Jessica had stood up from the floor they were sitting on, and just walked away from her. Like she didn't want to be near her.
"I have given you everything!" Sunny spat to the girl's back. "But it never seems to be enough for you!" Jessica stopped and turned around.
"Are you joking? That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard this year." Sunny knew Jessica was angry out of her mind, but her face showed nothing.
"What do you want?!" Sunny yelled as she stood up. "You know I'm not feeling well, and you keep putting pressure on me! So what the hell do you want apart from this?" And Jessica turned her back on her again.
"You keep using that excuse for just locking yourself away to feel even worse" she said in a calm voice. The stillness made Sunny even more frustrated and she wanted to just turn the other girl around and yell at her. "I don't know why you're still with me, Sunny. We obviously don't mean more to you than anything else. If you wanna punish yourself, then you'll have to use someone else."
And Sunny walked past Jessica, without looking at her, and stormed out the door.

She would go as far as her money would allow her. Anywhere would do. The further away, the better.
Jessica didn't understand. She didn't understand how Sunny was fighting with herself every day. The complete turmoil inside of her, that Jessica couldn't share. So of course, she didn't understand. And she never would.
And the thought of getting away from all of that, made Sunny feel safe, because she wouldn't have to deal with Jessica's words. And she could replace the fact that she could relate to her girlfriend's words with just being angry.

And one of her fears came true as her cellphone rang in her pocket. The girls must have known.
Their latest song played and Jessica's voice was the first to be heard. Sunny made a mental note to switch ring tone as soon as it stopped ringing.
She looked at the caller ID, and it was her. Jessica. Possibly the person she least wanted to talk to right now.
She contemplated putting the phone aside, but then wondered how it could possibly hurt more than it did right that very moment.
She answered.
But she couldn't bring herself to say anything.
"Hello?" Jessica must have heard the sound of the rain through the phone.
"Sunny?"
*No.*
"Are you there?"
*No.*
"Sunny, please answer me..." and the begging and desperate tone made a little scratch at the surface of ignorance.
"Yes, I'm here." Sigh.
"You have to come home." Bossiness. Perfect.
"Yeah" she said, "sure."
"I'm serious." Jessica managed to sound both worried and determined at the same time.
"Yes, of course you are. Cause that's just what I need, to go home to you and hear more of all those things that make me hate myself even more. Yeah, that will definitely help."
"Please, Sunny" and she could hear that Jessica was hurt. She didn't know what to feel about it.
"Why?"
"Because you didn't understand and... maybe I never did either, but... Sunny, I love you."
A moment of silent disbelief. How could she say that?
The sound of rain felt loud enough to make her deaf any moment.
"What?"
"I do. I love you." Desperation.
"Are you just saying this to make me come home?"
"No! I know how it sounds, but please, Sunny, I do. I love you."
"Are you... Do you... really?"
"Yes, and I'm sorry for not telling you, it could probably have made everything easier, but you have to believe me. I have, all along."
"Oh." And again, Sunny didn't know what to say. But there was the obvious response. "Well, I love you too." She suddenly noticed how calm she had become, and all the rage and deceit came rushing back, and she--
"Okay, well-"
"But that doesn't change anything" she said. "You don't understand." She looked at her watch, and the bus was to be there in 20 minutes. Looking around at the empty streets, she wondered if anyone would bother with going out into the rain.
"Maybe I would, if you told me."
And that was it. What Sunny had known, all along, but not wanting such a simple solution to be true. She hated when other people were right about her. Jessica seemed to also know she was right, cause when Sunny didn't answer, she spoke again.
"Sunny, please, come home so we can talk about this for real. I'll listen. I promise." Sunny looked down the road. Giving up and running away seemed like the easiest and most inviting option at the moment. Even more so when she compared it to the constant screaming and fighting with Jessica...
But the comfort of her touch... The offer to be heard... To do as she were told, for once. To accept that someone wanted to help her...
"Alright" she whispered and she was still so angry at herself for giving in, for risking the hurt again, but she didn't back down. Not this time.
"Good. When will you be here?" She heard relief in Jessica's voice. Everything seemed confusing to her. Did Jessica really want her there that much?
"Soon" she whispered and hung up the phone before Jessica could say anything.

She stood up before she could change her mind and pulled her jacket closer around her. The rain showed no signs of letting up, and Sunny was glad.
She walked out into it, and it soaked her in a second. It ran down her face like substitute tears that never fell, and it made her feel... clean.
Maybe she was in for something new, a change. She didn't dare to hope yet.
And maybe it was her who never understood, not Jessica.
Maybe she could finally understand.



Thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love, then ignore
put out, and put away
And so, you'd soon be leaving me alone, like I'm supposed to be
tonight, tomorrow and every day
There's nothing here that you'll miss
I can guarantee you this
is a cloud of smoke
Trying to occupy space
what a ing joke
what a ing joke

I waited for a bus to separate the both of us, and take me off
far away from you
Cause my feelings never change a bit, I always feel like
I don't know why, I guess that I just do
You once talked to be about love
and you painted pictures of
a never neverland
And I could have gone to that place
but I didn't understand
I didn't understand
I didn't understand