EXO Member: Kai
Genre: Romance, Angst
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 18,000+ words
Summary: Kai is my best friend, but suddenly he's leaving me, and everything spins out of control. Before I know it, I'm falling and it's t-t-tipping.

[A/N]: I'm sorry this is so long... I just had a lot of stuff to talk about >< Hope it isn't too confusing! I promise none of the others will be quite this long haha .__. 
I included some links for background music. Please at least play the ones that have a * next to them (especially the ones with **), because music inspired me to write this oneshot (and the ones to come) so I would be very grateful if you would listen to the music to help create the mood and feel what I was feeling. Thank you<3 And I promise to update my next HunHan fanfic chapter now

 

---

 

I knew I couldn't have you,
But my heart just kept growing.
It's my mistake for 
Waiting by myself,
Regretting by myself,
Loving you.
Even though my heart was aching,
It's my mistake for not letting you go.

~ "Mistake" (SNSD)

 

“You’re WHAT??” 

“Um...I’m applying to a boarding school.” His voice sounded flat over the phone.

“AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME?!” I shouted. I didn’t care if it was past midnight. I didn’t care if my parents were sleeping in the room down the hall. I couldn’t believe it.

“Ah, please don’t be angry with me...” Kai begged. I took a deep breath. I wasn’t so much angry as hurt. Hurt that he didn’t tell me... Hurt that he was leaving our school... Leaving our friends...

Leaving me.

“How could you do this?” My voice cracked as my throat choked up.

“Ae Lin...” His voice softened. “I’m sorry.” That did it. The sound of my name coming from his mouth, and the two words of apology. I couldn’t keep it in. A tear spilled from my right eye and trailed down my cheek. I held my breath so he wouldn’t hear me gasping for air.

“I thought we were f-friends,” I mumbled, taking shaky breaths.

“We are!” he said forcefully. “Don’t ever forget that. Please. And we always will be, no matter what happens or where I am.” I wanted to believe it. But in my mind, I only saw him slipping away from me as he disappeared further and further away. My best friend, who I had met in my freshmen year. 

His image filled my mind. Fairly tall, dark skinned, and although I didn’t think of him that way, attractive features. He was a really nice guy. Friendly, caring, playful. Everyone at school knew him. I was always finding myself surprised that I was such close friends with him. He was very ambitious and competitive. He worked hard to get what he wanted, and wouldn’t settle for losing. I really respected him.

“What kind of a school is this anyway?” I scowled. Who did this school think it was? Trying to take away my best friend...

“It’s really prestigious. My two older brothers both went to it. It’s the _____ School.” As soon as he said the name, I pulled up my internet browser and Googled it. Clicking their webpage, I was met by some fancy pictures of kids in uniforms, sitting in classrooms and around a green campus. Some stupid prep school.

I snorted. “What’s so special about this school?”

“Well, it’s considered to be one of the top five schools in the country...” he told me. 

Oh.

I clicked on some things, looking around their academic courses. They actually had a lot of fancy stuff. Courses I knew my school could never offer as well as this rich school, really nice technology, classes of less students that facilitated lively discussion... It was all very tempting, and I slowly began to see why he wanted to apply. Considering our school had a graduating class of 1000 kids, who wouldn’t want to escape to a smaller, much more personal school?

I sighed. “It actually looks really good,” I admitted. “Worthy of my best friend.” I grinned, and I heard Kai chuckle.

“Glad to hear you approve,” he said playfully. But then his tone became serious.

“Wait. What if...you applied with me?”

My eyes widened in shock. Apply...with him? I shook my head. I can’t. I have friends here, and classes I want to take next year, which will be my senior year... But a small voice in the back of my mind said, He has friends too. And you can take those courses at a better school. And best of all, you won’t lose your best friend. You’ll be together.

If we both make it, that is.

“I-I don’t know...” I responded hesitantly. “Isn’t it a little too late? It’s December already. When are applications due?”

“Sometime in February maybe?” he said vaguely. “But it’s not too late! Heck, I haven’t even really begun preparing yet either. Well, I already took the placement test, but I mean it was easy, you don’t need to study...” I knew how smart he was. I’d like to think we’re about the same level. We took the same classes at school. But not studying for such an important exam made me feel uneasy.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “I’m worried...”

“Don’t be,” he reassured. “You’ll definitely make it. I’m sure.”

I was still wary. “Alright... But how am I going to ask my parents?”

“Just look up some more information on it, and bring it up one day. They care about your academics, so they should support you.” His argument sounded so valid, I felt myself slipping into it, believing everything would all work out.

“Okay. But you better not make me regret this,” I warned. He chuckled again.

“Don’t worry, you won’t regret this. I promise.”

❃❃❃

RING!

I jumped as the bell rang, signaling the end of class. I shook my head slightly. I couldn’t really remember what the teacher said. I just remembered making eye contact with Kai across the room for almost the entire time, mouthing to each other. Thankfully, we could both read lips well. I don’t think the teacher noticed.

I gathered my books.

“Don’t forget the homework!” our teacher called. Crap. What’s the homework?

I saw Kai walking out of the classroom and quickly caught up to him. I opened my mouth to ask him a question.

“Do you know what the homework is?” we asked at the same time. Then we blinked at each other, and burst out laughing.

“I guess we should’ve paid more attention,” I said sheepishly. Kai rubbed the back of his neck.

“Eh, we can always ask someone else,” he replied nonchalantly. “For the first time this year, I had fun in that class.” He looked at me, and I smiled back at him.

“Me too.”

❃❃❃

“Ae Lin... I need to tell you something.” Kai looked down, avoiding my gaze.

He had been acting funny for the past few days. I don’t know what happened, but I felt different around him too. I would get into the habit of holding my breath whenever he approached me, and my heartbeat would quicken. It was weird. What’s going on?

Ever since the night I decided to apply, we had grown to talk more and more. Truthfully, over the summer and at the beginning of the school year, we had drifted a little bit from the peak of our friendship, which had been last year. But suddenly with the rush to prepare for the exam and fill out applications, we spent more time together. Since both of his brothers already went to the school, Kai visited the campus numerous times before and knew all about it. Kai was pretty much guaranteed admission because his brothers left him a legacy. I, on the other hand, didn’t have that advantage. I could only hope my good grades and extracurricular activities, plus teacher recommendations, would suffice. Fortunately, when I told my parents, they supported me completely, so at least I had that.

Breaking away from my thoughts, I looked back at Kai. “What is it?”

“Um... I’m not sure exactly... It’s just, whenever I’m around you, I get all nervous, and it’s hard for me to breathe... And my thoughts... Well, I’m just confused.” 

My mouth opened in a little O shape. Does he mean to say...

“...And I think I might like you.” His face flushed red.

I froze. 

“Did you just...confess to me?” His face got even redder, and he mumbled something.

“What was that?” I asked, tilting my head to one side.

“I said, ‘yes,’” he muttered.

My heart started beating ninety miles an hour. What am I doing? Why am I being like this? Could it be? Do I like him too?

“I’m not sure how I feel,” I said honestly. “But my heartbeat quickens around you too. I can’t explain it... It’s so strange.”

He looked up at me. “Really?” I nodded. His face brightened, but then it darkened again.

“I’m not sure what I’m feeling, though.” He looked away from my eyes. “And I’m not sure about...Mi Soo.” Oh....her.

Mi Soo is, or at least used to be, my best friend. We met at the beginning of high school our freshmen year, and we immediately became close. We used to do everything together, talk about everything together... But last year, we grew apart because we had no classes together, and we just lost contact. She and Kai had a relationship two years ago, when I was best friends with her and him both. But she broke it, and Kai had been devastated. He never let go of her. They dated again last year for a short period of time, but it hadn’t lasted. She also dated other guys. Somehow, I felt like Kai would always have a part of her in his heart. He clung to her for too long to be able to leave her easily.

I sighed. “I understand. How about we try not to get too involved in anything before sorting out our feelings?” I suggested.

“Makes sense,” he agreed.

So we continued to talk, as usual, but our time spent together increased even more. Soon, we were going to each others’ houses every day after school to study together.

❃❃❃

*[I’m In Love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcF4hJuD6gk]

“Kai!” I called from the kitchen. “I made us a snack!” Immediately, I heard the scurry of footsteps, and his head appeared in the doorway. I laughed.

“Someone must be hungry,” I commented, eyes gleaming.

“I didn’t have a lot for lunch...” he muttered.

“You call two sandwiches and a bag of chips not a lot?” I teased, feigning disbelief.

He stuck out his tongue and pushed my shoulder lightly. Then, seeing my plate of cookies, his eyes widened.

“Did you just bake these?” I nodded. He reached out to grab one but I slapped his hand away. He pulled it back, rubbing it while scowling at me. 

“What was that for??” he demanded.

“Wait until they cool,” I ordered. “Don’t be greedy!”

“Fine, fine...” he walked back to the living room, where we had spread out our books and binders. 

I plopped back down on the couch, and he sat down next to me on the right, gathering his notebook and textbook in his lap. I studied the math problems on my worksheet. Scratching my head, I sighed. Why did I take Calculus this year...

Suddenly, I felt a slight pressure on my right ankle. I looked down and saw Kai’s left foot grazing it lightly. I blushed at the sight and glanced at him. He was still looking at his notebook as if nothing was happening. I went back to my worksheet.

Then, his foot s around the back of my leg and wrapped on the other side of my ankle. I bit my lip to keep from gasping. What the heck is he doing??

I peeked at him. He still showed no sign of knowing what was going on.

I tried to focus on my homework, but before long, he had his whole leg wrapped around mine. I dropped my textbook on the floor.

“What are you doing?!” I asked, somewhat harshly. He blinked at me.

“What do you mean?” He looked at me innocently.

“What do you mean ‘what do you mean’??” I demanded, exasperated. “Your...leg...” I felt my face flush.

“What about it?” He looked at me with wide eyes.

“F-forget it...” I stammered. I bent over slightly to pick up my textbook, but my arm brushed his leg which was still wrapped around mine, and some strands of my hair fell on his leg when I bent down as well. I heard a sharp intake of breath and looked up at him.

He was staring at the place my hair had touched his leg. 

“What?” I asked with the most unassuming expression I could muster. He blinked rapidly at me a few times, and then just shook his head. Two can play at this game...

Over the next few minutes, Kai slowly turned his body so it was facing more in my direction. Although I was looking down at my worksheet, I was really just watching him out of the corner of my eye. 

He brought his right foot toward my ankle and rubbed up against it. My stomach jumped. Then he somehow managed to wrap his right leg around my leg as well, all while still sitting down next to me. What...the...heck...

I stared at him. He was still looking down at his notebook.

“Kai.”

“Yes?” He looked up, not showing any expression of guilt.

“My left leg feels neglected.” His face turned to shock, not expecting me to say that.

“S-sorry...” He stuttered. 

“Don’t worry about it,” I said smoothly. That’s right, Ae Lin. Show him he can’t push you around.

“It’s just...too far away.” He glanced at me. My eyes widened before I could stop myself. He smirked slightly. 

“Maybe if you brought it closer...”

“No thanks,” I said quickly, forgetting my motive to not let him get the best of me.

Kai raised an eyebrow. “Then I’ll have to bring it over myself.”

I was about to ask what he meant when his right leg extended past my right leg and hooked onto my left leg. My mouth fell open. How did he even manage to do that...??

And then, he was nearly sitting on my lap. My heart hammered in my chest. He rubbed his legs on mine, and I bit my lip again so no sound would escape from my mouth. What happened to waiting until we sorted out our feelings??

“What the heck do you think you’re doing?” I hissed in as annoyed of a voice I could manage.

“What, do you have a problem with it?” he asked calmly.

“Um, yeah.” I glared at him. 

“Oh, my deepest apologies.” He unwrapped his legs and I fought the urge to tell him to put them back.

“Thanks,” I muttered.

I was about to go back to my homework when I suddenly felt a strong grasp around my waist as I was lifted slightly into the air. I yelped in surprise and found myself...sitting in Kai’s lap.

“WHAT THE HECK, MAN.” I shouted. “Don’t just pick me up and put me in your freaking lap. I’m not a doll! You can’t just-” I broke off, seeing his gaze. They captured my eyes, and I couldn’t move. He bit his lip, and then his gaze dropped from my eyes to a lower part of my face... Before he could do anything else, I quickly pushed his arms off of me and jumped up from his lap.

“I-I think the cookies should be c-cooled now...” I stammered, dashing into the kitchen. I heard a chuckle behind me. Darn you, Kai. What the heck do you think you’re doing.

❃❃❃

Every study session turned into massaging each others’ legs. However, I was determined not to let anything else happen. I ended up not getting too much work done, (who could with that stupid jerk rubbing himself all over), so I would have to do it all at home. Of course, it didn’t help that he texted me non-stop whenever we were apart. 

My phone buzzed again. I sighed.

I miss you.

I stared at the screen. I read those three words a million times before pressing reply.

I miss you too.

Almost immediately, he texted back.

What are your feelings about me?

I took a deep breath.

I don’t know.

I held my breath until he responded.

Maybe we should try to organize them.

I shot back a reply.

Sure. What do you have in mind?

He took a little longer to respond.

I don’t know... Maybe make some sort of list with the reasons why we might like each other?

I bit my lip. I chose my words carefully.

Maybe it’s not actually “liking”... Maybe it’s just...attraction?

Kai responded quickly.

Okay, then let’s list the reasons why we find each other attractive. You first.

I sighed.

Yah, why am I going first?

Because I thought of it.

Then you should go first.

No. 

Yes.

No. Just give me your list.

I sighed again.

Fine. Let’s see... I like how you can always make me laugh, and you know me well. We can relate to each other, and it’s really comforting to know you’ll always be there for me. You have a nice smile. You dance so well and play instruments, something I admire. You seem really strong. You’re smart but still friendly and have different circles of friends, yet you somehow still make time to hang out with me. And I don’t know why. Maybe there’s other stuff, but I can’t think of it right now. ...Sorry, I think that turned into a list of the things I like about you.

Holding my breath, I hit ‘send’ and waited for his reply. After a painful two minutes, he texted back.

What do you mean by I seem “strong”?

I puffed out my cheeks. That was his only reaction?

Hey hey hey, give me your list too.

Explain first.

I rolled my eyes at his stubbornness. 

Fine. Just like...your arms look like they could lift a lot of weight. And you have broad shoulders...

My cheeks turned red as I hit send. His response was not right away.

I see... So you like my body.

I covered my mouth to keep from bursting out laughing. I decided not to respond to his comment.

I explained. Give me your list now.

I stared at the time on my phone for four minutes. Then it vibrated and I jumped, quickly unlocking it to read his text.

Well, I like your smile too, you have such an eye smile. And your laugh is so bubbly, it makes me happy to hear it. You’re tall, but not yet taller than me. You have really nice hair, straight and long. I like it. You’re also so talented with music, and so smart. Don’t worry, you’ll definitely be accepted to the school. You know me so well too, I’d say you’re my closest friend. I make time to be with you because I want to. I like spending time with you.

My stomach did backflips after reading his list. I gently put my phone down and tried to calm myself. Deep breaths, Ae Lin.

My phone vibrated again, scaring me.

Hello?

Oh whoops, I forgot to respond to his text. I looked at the time and my eyes widened. He sent his text ten minutes ago. My face flushed.

Sorry! Um, thank you. It really means a lot. (:

❃❃❃

“Hey, Kai,” I called. He looked up. “I’m out of snacks, since some bottomless pit comes over to my house so often and eats everything.” I looked at him pointedly. He chuckled, but gave me a guilty glance. 

“Sorry.” He grinned cheekily. “Do you need to go to the supermarket or something?”

“Oh I see, you just want more food.” He looked like he was about to protest, but then he saw my smile and realized I was teasing. “Yeah, let’s head out.”

Slipping on our jackets and shoes, we walked out the door. He looked up at the sky. 

“Hm, it looks like it’s going to snow,” Kai commented. I looked up.

“I hope it does. I love the snow,” I added happily. He smiled. 

We walked a few more blocks, and I felt something wet hit my face. I looked up immediately. Sure enough, it was starting to snow.

“Oh my gosh!” I squealed. “It’s snowing!” Kai looked up too and started laughing. 

“Ah, the first snow,” he said, still looking up. Then he turned his gaze to me. “And I got to see it with you.” I looked at him. His eyes were soft. I felt my face heat up.

“Come on, let’s get to the store.” I tugged his arm.

By the time we were done and started walking home, snow was piled up everywhere. It was glistening in the sunlight. Beautiful.

“I love seeing untouched snow. Nature’s beauty.” I sighed happily, swinging our bag of groceries. 

“Well, guess we’ll have to change that,” Kai said, eyes twinkling.

“Huh? What do you- AHHHH!” I screamed as Kai pushed me into the snow. “WHAT THE HECK, DUDE. NOT COOL!” I struggled to get up, brushing the snow off of me. But Kai launched himself on top of me. “AHH! THE FOOD, THE FOOD!” I shrieked. “IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT CRUSHING ME, DON’T CRUSH THE FOOD!”

Kai rolled off of me. “Sorry, Ae Lin,” he grinned. “I couldn’t help it.” I glared at him. I got up and patted off the snow. Thankfully, my jacket was waterproof, but my jeans were soaked. 

“Look, now I’m wet,” I complained. Not waiting for his response, I picked up the bag of groceries and stomped away. I didn’t get far before I felt something hit my back. I immediately reached behind to feel it, and found that it was wet. I spun around.

“KAI!” I yelled. “THAT BETTER NOT HAVE BEEN A SNOWBALL!” I saw him standing ten feet away, poised with another snowball in his hand, about to throw it. “Don’t you dare,” I warned. “If you throw that, I’ll-” But he didn’t let me finish. He hurled it toward me and it hit my arm. I blinked at him in shock, not comprehending what had just happened. Then my eyes narrowed.

“Oh, that’s it. You’re going to get it now.” I crouched down to form a snowball. Then running towards him, I threw it as hard as I could. It missed.

“Ha! You can’t hit me!” he shouted smugly. Then I hit him smack in the chest. 

“What was that?” I asked innocently. Then I stuck my tongue out at him.

“You’re not getting away with that.” And then he started running toward me. My eyes widened and I turned around, stumbling to get away, but he was too fast. He tackled me onto the ground, and I landed on my stomach with him on top of me.

“Get off,” I hissed. But he didn’t move. My heart started beating quickly. He laughed lightly into my ear. I tensed up. But he rolled off to lay on his back next to me. Then he started flapping his arms back and forth in the snow.

“What...are you doing?” I asked, laughing.

“Making a snow angel,” he said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. I snorted.

“It’s not going to look like an angel the way you’re doing it,” I teased. He pouted.

“Whatever,” he huffed. Then he gathered some snow in my hands and launched it in my direction. I screamed as it hit my face.

“KAI!” I cried. He immediately scrambled up and started running. I got up too and chased after him, grocery bag hitting my leg as I ran. But I was smiling.

❃❃❃

*[Love Sick: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4j082U9--vA]

“I...I can’t do this anymore.”

My heart hammered in my chest. 

“What? What do you mean, Kai?”

“We can’t keep going on like this. I can’t like you...”

I blinked. Did I hear him correctly? I pressed the phone closer to my ear.

“I’m sorry, say that again?”

“Ae Lin,” he sighed. “I can’t like you anymore.”

My heart stopped.

“W-why?” I whispered.

“Please understand,” he pleaded. “I realize I still like Mi Soo...”

“But she doesn’t like you anymore,” I said numbly. “Does she?”

“She told me she did. But then...” His voice trailed off.

“What happened?”

Silence.

“Kim Jongin. What freaking happened.” I could feel my temper rising up as I slipped into calling him by his real name. Me, who almost never gets angry. 

After a pause, he said softly, “She saw our texts.”

“She what?”

“She saw our texts,” he repeated. “I lent her my phone, and after a few minutes, she threw it back at me and stomped off. When I caught up with her, she told me she accidentally saw our texts. And she said she was...hurt.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

“Why would she be hurt? She doesn’t own you or anything,” I argued.

“Well... I mean... I’ve been t-talking to her and stuff...” I froze.

“Are you playing around with me?” My voice raised five pitches.

“No! No. That’s not it, Ae Lin, please don’t think that way,” he begged.

“Forget it.” I hung up the phone. Then I threw it on the couch, propelling myself onto it as well. 

Burying my face in my hands, I willed myself not to cry. He doesn’t actually like you... He still likes Mi Soo.

I patted my cheeks roughly. Get yourself together, Ae Lin. You can’t be like this. You weren’t even sure if you liked him in the first place.

Pulling myself up into sitting position, I grabbed my phone and decided to text someone I hadn’t talked to in a while.

She responded quickly.

Hey Ae Lin.

Hey Mi Soo. I was wondering, what’s this whole thing with Kai about. He said you like him? Is that true?

I held my breath, waiting for her response.

Well, I did, but I’m not sure of anything anymore. He was telling me all this stuff like I’m “the only thing that matters” and then I find out he was telling you stuff like that too, and I don’t even know what to think. I feel...betrayed. I didn’t tell him I liked him because I knew he needed to get over me. And besides, I have a boyfriend. I don’t need to get into sh*t with Kai again.

I gasped softly. The Mi Soo I knew was a sweet, friendly girl. Now she’s turned into some kind of bitter person throwing around curse words?

Hey, calm down a little. I’m sure he only means well... He’s still in love with you. What he and I have is really nothing. He told me today that he can’t like me because he likes you too much. And you weren’t exactly responding to his affection, so maybe that forced him to find comfort in someone else. If you don’t want him to keep liking you, don’t tell him you liked him. 

I hit send. She responded not long after.

Look, I didn’t mean to tell him I liked him. It just slipped out okay, so get off my back. I don’t care. He needs to get over me. I don’t care if he likes you or whatever. It’s just that he was telling me things about how much I mean to him and saying stuff to you too. I don’t know what the h*ll he was thinking. 

I felt anger bubble up inside me again.

Can’t you see, Mi Soo? He really REALLY likes you. He doesn’t like me, and honestly, I...don’t think I like him anymore, if I ever did. He cares so much about you, can’t you just give him another freaking chance? Look at him, he said he felt like he was DYING when he found out that you liked him and he screwed everything up. Stop being so rough with him. You’re hurting him so badly.

I swallowed and sent it. Her reply was hostile.

I DON’T CARE. This is it, I’m done with him. This isn’t the first time he’s been a bit of an *sshole, then he gets in trouble for it and then he makes some sort of promise or says something to make you forgive him and then does something bad again when everything goes back to normal. And I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces again.

I bit my lip and tried to melt my anger, but it wasn’t working.

Well I think of it as Kai being a really good best friend but then something happens, but it always goes back to normal. The optimistic side.

Her reply was quick.

Yeah, mine? The realistic side. Don’t let him play you. It would be wise to just stop it now.

Her words stung. Hard. And that was the brink of my patience.

DON’T YOU GET IT? HE FREAKING LOVES YOU. HE DOESN’T HURT YOU ON PURPOSE, AND HE IS SINCERELY SORRY. CAN’T YOU FORGIVE HIM AND GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE?

With shaky breaths, I sent it. She responded angrily.

WELL LIKE I SAID, I. DON’T. CARE. I DON’T CARE IF HE’S SORRY. THAT’S NOT GOING TO STOP ME FROM GETTING HURT. IT’S NOT GOING TO STOP HIM FROM BREAKING MY ING HEART AGAIN. SO JUST SHUT THE UP. OKAY? LEAVE ME ALONE.

I stared at the screen, mouth open. I couldn’t believe Mi Soo said those words. I groaned and buried my face in my hands. I got up and went to the bathroom, splashing cold water on my face. Except for the dull expression in my eyes, there was no hint of what was going on in my head. I covered my face in a mask, hiding behind it.

The water cleared my head, and I realized that I didn’t want to lose Mi Soo as a friend from this, if we could ever repair our friendship. I didn’t want to lose contact with her completely if I was accepted and left for boarding school.

I decided to text her again.

Mi Soo, I’m really sorry for yelling earlier. Honestly, I don’t want this to get in between our friendship. Please forgive me?

Thankfully, she replied.

I’m sorry too. And you have to realize that all the problems aren’t because of us, it’s because of Kai... Just remember what he’s capable of doing.

❃❃❃

My doorbell rang. Putting down my textbook, I ran to get it. My eyes widened in shock when I saw who was standing there.

“K-Kai?” He only stood there with his head down. I blinked at him.

“Can I come in?” he mumbled. 

“Oh! S-sure...” I opened the door wider and he stepped inside.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“I...I couldn’t stand the thought of you being angry with me, so I had to come over. I wanted to apologize...” he said, still looking down. “This is so unfair for you. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to like Mi Soo again so much. I just can’t control it...” he trailed off, avoiding my eyes.

“It’s...okay,” I said. “I talked to her.” His head snapped up.

“You what??”

“Well, I texted her. A few hours ago.” I looked at him. “Did you not want me to?”

“T-that’s not it,” he stuttered. “Just... What did you guys say?”

“Well, we ended up getting into a shouting match...” I confessed. He furrowed his eyebrows.

“What, why?! Why were you yelling at each other?”

“Hey, I was defending you, okay? She was saying all this crap about you and I just couldn’t sit there and listen to it...” I blew air out of my cheeks.

“...Thank you.” He had whispered it, but I still heard it. 

“No problem,” I said, feeling the corner of my mouth twitch up into a small smile. He looked up at me. 

“I really don’t deserve you...”

❃❃❃

I brushed the hair out of my face. My bangs were getting long. Maybe I should cut them soon, I mused.

I looked up from my homework to see Kai staring at me. I blinked a few times in surprise. His eyes widened and he looked away quickly, face turning red.

“What were you doing...?” I asked cautiously.

“N-nothing.” He didn’t meet my eyes.

“Were you staring at me?” I asked, incredulous.

“What? No! No...” He looked at his hands and mumbled, “I was looking at your hair...”

“My...hair?” I questioned. My hair was straight, black with hints of blonde highlights, and long. Almost to my waist. It was pretty average, in my opinion. Besides its length.

“Yeah...” He glanced at me. “It seems so...soft.”

I burst out laughing. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“Do you want to feel it?” I asked between gasps of air. He made a face.

“Don’t make fun of me.”

“I’m not!” I protested when I finally stopped laughing. “You can really feel it if you want.”

He looked at me doubtfully. “Really?”

“Of course,” I stated.

“Okay...” He started to reach out his hand, but then he pulled back.

“If you don’t want to feel it, you don’t have to,” I said, beginning to feel self-conscious.

“No, I want to,” he said more convincingly. He reached out his hand again and brushed his hand on my hair. My heart started beating faster. Then he brought his hand to my hair again and ran his fingers down through it. He did this a few times before jerking his hand back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it for so long...” he muttered. I let out a laugh.

“It’s okay.”

He looked at me seriously. “Honestly, I’m sorry. If you don’t want me to touch your hair, just tell me.”

I met his eyes. “And honestly, I don’t mind.” I flashed him a smile. He blinked at me a few times, and then smiled back, making my stomach do flips.

❃❃❃

**[Lost Child: http://youtu.be/-cmhFmM95nU]

I turned the corner, hoisting my backpack onto my back and adjusting it more comfortably. Ugh, I hate all this homework.

I looked around for Kai. We were going to walk home together to study at my house. We always went to my house because it was really close to the school. 

Scanning the parking lot, I didn’t see him. He’s probably somewhere around the entrance.

I jogged around the outside of the school, not seeing any sign of him. Finally, I got to the courtyard, and I saw him turned around, back facing me. I was about to call out his name, when I froze.

He wasn’t alone.

He was standing in front of someone, blocking that person from view. They were pushed up against the wall. I held my breath as he leaned his head into hers, and I spun around before I could see them make contact. Squeezing my eyes shut, I ran away as fast as I could, not caring if I made noise.

He’s kissing her. He’s kissing her. The scene replayed over and over in my head as I ran blindly along the side of the school. Although I didn’t see the kiss, I couldn’t stop my mind from imagining it.

Why. Kai... Why did you choose her? She’s hurt you so much in the past...

I thought of how he spent so much of his sophomore year trying to win her back. Desperately seeking her love again, he had talked to her as much as possible. Eventually, she had responded and given him another chance, but it hadn’t worked out. I thought back to it again. How happy he was that she accepted him. How crushed he was when she broke up with him again.

How can you still like her? What about me? I’ve always been with you along the way. I’ve helped you when she couldn’t. When she was the source of the pain. 

The times when he would text me late at night and ask to talk. When I would drop whatever I was doing to console him and give him advice. When I would do everything in my ability to make him feel better. When he would leave our conversation in higher spirits. When I would be glad to help. He thanked me plenty of times, but he never really realized me or what I did. 

I admit, I did it out of friendship. I didn’t have feelings for him. 

But now...I wasn’t sure. He was giving me mixed signals, and so as a result my feelings were also mixed.

A little voice tugged in the back of my mind. He’s played around with girls before. He dated three girls in two months in the beginning of the school year.

I shook away the thought. That was only because he was trying to get over her... Mi Soo. Who got another boyfriend. He was really hurt. He was trying to stop liking her. He didn’t mean to hurt those girls.

But he’s playing you right now.

No, he told me he wasn’t.

He could have lied.

I swallowed, refusing to believe it. I stopped running, putting my head in my hands. I backed up into the side of the school, leaning my back against the brick wall. I slid down and sat hugging my knees. I choked, trying to hold back the tears. I couldn’t just start bawling here at the side of the school building. I needed to pull myself together. Biting my lip, I slowly stood up. Head down, I started walking towards the parking lot. 

Suddenly, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a text. From Kai.

Hey Ae Lin! Are you still at school? Sorry I wasn’t there right after school ended... Are we still up for studying at your house? 

My jaw dropped. How could he say these things so casually, when he was just making out with another girl a few minutes ago?? 

I decided not to respond to the text, and I kept walking. This time, I picked up my pace. I didn’t want him to run into me, so I tried to put as much distance between myself and the school as possible.

Unfortunately, Kai didn’t let it go and called me. Blinking my eyes and biting my lip again, I shut off my phone. I felt the energy drain from my body. Seeing a park bench along the sidewalk, I slumped into it, burying my face in my hands. Thoughts sped through my head as I questioned his motives and my own feelings. I just need to forget him. Forget these feelings. Forget he even exists...

“Ae Lin?” I froze. That voice... No. It can’t be.

“AE LIN!!” It was Kai’s voice. It was coming from maybe twenty feet away. I didn’t look up. Instead I just got up as quickly as I could and began running.

“AE LIN! WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY??” I heard Kai shout behind me. “AE LIN! HOLD UP!!”

I didn’t stop. I kept running until I got at least four blocks away. Then I turned the corner and leaned against the side of the building, panting as my chest rose up and down. My heart was beating rapidly, but not just from the running.

I let out a long sigh. I can’t believe he saw me... I tried to calm myself down. When my breathing slowed to almost normal, I peeked around the corner only to see him a few feet away, back turned, looking around. I let out a small squeak of surprise, not expecting him to have caught up to me because I hadn’t heard him. He spun around at the sound, meeting my eyes. His mouth opened and he strode toward me, breaking out into a sprint. My eyes widened and I turned to run, but he crashed into me from behind, almost sending me flying into the ground, but his arms wrapped tightly around me, catching me.

I held my breath at our closeness. His body was crushed against my back. My heart was beating rapidly. Pabo, he hurt you. Why are you still feeling this way.

“Ae Lin.” I froze at his voice. It was so soft, so pained... “Why did you run away from me?” he murmured, lips near my ear. I took a deep, shaky breath.

“I...” What the heck was I supposed to say? ‘I saw you about to kiss Mi Soo’? I shook my head. I wriggled in his grip and pushed him back. But he only tightened his embrace.

“Please, don’t touch me.” I said in a low voice through gritted teeth. If I raised my voice any higher, I was sure it would crack.

Shocked, Kai let go, and I stumbled forward. He reached out his hand to grab my arm to steady me, but I shook it off. 

“Ae Lin, what’s wrong?” I heard the confusion in his voice, but I didn’t look back. If you don’t know, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Instead, I just started walking away, but he reached out and grabbed my arm.

“Ae Li-”

“I said, DON’T. TOUCH. ME.” I emphasized each word, saying it as harshly as I could. But he didn’t let go. “Didn’t you hear me?!” I spun around to face him, but I faltered as I saw his hurt expression.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, looking deeply into my eyes. 

I broke the gaze. “Do you even know what you’re apologizing for?” I asked bluntly.

“No,” he admitted honestly. “But I must’ve really hurt you. So I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well ‘sorry’ isn’t going to get you anywhere, bud.” I said bitterly. He looked at me sadly.

“Maybe if you tell me what I did, I could apologize better?” he suggested hopefully. I scoffed.

“Please. You should know. Don’t think I’m a pushover you can pick up and drop anytime.” I blew my bangs out of my face, looking away. He tilted his head, confused.

“What?”

“Do I need to spell it out for you?” I turned to glare at him. “I’ll make it easy. K-I-S-S. Next time, watch where you put your lips. Jerk.” I grimaced because my voice wavered on the last word, which I had meant to say with more anger. I pushed his hand off my arm and began to walk away. I think I left him standing there, gaping, but I could care less. Before I got too far though, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

“Seriously dude, stop touching me.” I sighed, turning around. But he was looking at me intensely. I blinked, surprised.

“Ae Lin, now that I know why you’re angry, I completely understand. And I can sincerely apologize. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I...I just don’t know right now. I have feelings for you, but I also have feelings for Mi Soo. She was my first love. And I feel like...I just need one more chance with her to get it right this time. Please, understand where I’m coming from.” His eyes were pleading. I swallowed, feeling immense guilt for reacting so selfishly. How could you get jealous so easily like that? Pabo pabo pabo. And you don’t have that much time either before you guys will leave for boarding school. Hopefully, that is. You don’t have time for this kind of reaction.

“I’m sorry for overreacting. I should’ve been more considerate to your feelings...” I looked down, but Kai touched my chin, lifting my face up again.

“Don’t apologize to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. It was my fault.” He gazed at me seriously.

“No, really, I- Wait.” I paused, realizing something. “You kissed her...but isn’t she still dating Yixing??” I narrowed my eyes at him. He bit his lip and looked away.

“Ah... About that... She told me...she’s going to break up with him soon...” he trailed off, mumbling something else at the end.

“What was that?” 

“Uh.” He cleared his throat. “I said, she’s going to break up with him soon...to be with me.”

I stopped breathing. Slowly, I looked up at his eyes, which were focused on some point behind me in the distance. 

“What.”

“D-don’t make me repeat it again,” he stammered, shifting uncomfortably.

I could only stare at him in disbelief. What the heck was Mi Soo thinking?? What happened to being done with Kai and not wanting to ‘pick up the pieces again’?!

“Mi Soo...honestly wants to?” I asked, incredulous.

“You say it like it’s such a surprise.” He made a face.

“Because it is...” I said under my breath. I raised my voice to average volume. “I’m going to go home now. See you.”

“Wait!” Kai called after me. “Does this mean our study session is cancelled?” I stopped walking and turned around slowly, not believing he actually had to ask.

“No. Of course it’s still on. Just come right on over and make yourself at home,” I responded, voice dripping with sarcasm. His face fell. 

“Ae Lin...” he whispered, looking at me with sad eyes. My heart lurched. I hate you, Kai. Why do you have to look at me like that. “Ae Lin, I’m sorry. Can I please come over?” I felt my anger bubble away. I sighed.

“Fine, just... Argh. Let’s go.” I turned around and started walking, not waiting for him to catch up.

“Yay!” He bounded up to me and took my hand. I blinked at him in surprise. “Thanks, Ae Lin-ah!” 

“Yeah, yeah...” I grumbled. “Now let go of my hand.”

“But I don’t want to.” He stuck his tongue out at me. Honestly, how can this kid be so serious one second and so playful and childish the next? Aish...

“Yah, I said let go.”

“Yah, I said I don’t want to,” he said, mimicking me.

“YAH. Don’t be rude, I’m older than you!” I glared at him.

“Only by a few weeks!” he protested indignantly. 

“Still.” I took my hand out of his grasp and crossed my arms over my chest, walking ahead without him. Suddenly I felt strong arms wrap around me from behind, squeezing me into a tight hug. My eyes widened in shock and I stiffened at the proximity of our bodies.

“Kai, what the heck,” I hissed. “Get off. Haven’t I made it clear that I don’t want you to touch me??” But he only shook his head, grazing it against the back of mine, making my heart skip a beat. Then he nuzzled my neck, and I froze. 

“Ae Lin-ah, don’t be like this, please. Don’t be mad, okay? I want to see your pretty smile.” His voice in my ear was making my stomach get butterflies. I cursed myself for reacting this way.

“Oh, and your hair smells really good.” He took a deep whiff of the scent. I snorted.

What am I going to do with you, Kai?

❃❃❃

[Love Hate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlW0DCzITWU]

“Wheeeee, school’s out for winter break!” I cheered, beaming. “Now I can catch up on my sleep!” Kai chuckled at me. 

“Is that all you do? Eat and sleep?” he teased. I stuck my tongue out at him.

“Jerk.”

“Lazy.”

“Yah, watch who you’re calling lazy.” I gave him a glare, but he only smirked at me. 

“Well, you’re the one doing nothing over the break,” he said pointedly.

“As a matter of fact, I am doing something over break. Bonding with my family. We’re taking a mini vacation. So ha.” I flashed a peace sign and started walking off. Kai rolled his eyes.

“Whatever.” But he quickened his pace to catch up to me. “Hey, what days will you be gone?”

“We’re leaving Christmas day and coming back two days before school starts again,” I told him. His smile dropped.

“Then that only leaves three days of you at home?” he asked, disappointed. Our school started winter break the day before Christmas and ended it a day after New Year’s. I would only be home for New Year’s Eve, New Year’s, and the last day before school starts again.

“Yeah,” I confirmed. “Why?”

“Oh I just...” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I kind of wanted to hang out or something.”

“Oh.” I looked at him. “We could find a time?” He shook his head.

“I can’t. I need to go to a party tomorrow, and then we’re hosting relatives at our house for New Year’s.” He frowned.

“Ah, we can always hang out again after school starts again or something?” I suggested.

“I guess.” He sighed. “I just...wanted to talk...”

“We can call!” I said enthusiastically. He blew air out of his cheeks.

“It’s not the same,” he mumbled. I gave him a look.

“Why do you want to talk so badly?” I asked suspiciously.

“What? N-no reason...” His face turned red.

“Haha, don’t freak out, I was just teasing.” My eyes twinkled. He looked relieved and then swatted my arm.

“Yah, what was that for??” I demanded, rubbing my arm. 

“For teasing me.” He stuck out his tongue. “C’mon, let’s get going!” I trailed behind him. He slowed his pace to match mine and we walked side by side. Then he slung his arm around my shoulders. I bit my lip to keep from gasping. I mean, he’s done it plenty of times in the past, but it felt different. My heart quickened. 

“Ae Lin, put your arm around me too,” he instructed.

“Why should I?” I questioned. Rolling his eyes, he grabbed my arm and put it around his waist. My eyes widened at his sudden action, but I didn’t pull it away. Instead I just kept my hand around his waist. I heard him breathe in deeply. I looked up at him, but he was looking away. We walked like that until we were a few blocks from my house. 

The air was chilly and I rubbed my hands together. I hope it snows, I thought. But I could really use something warm right now...

“Hey, I’m in the mood for coffee. Mind if we drop by the Setting Sun?” I asked, eyeing the cozy little cafe in the corner of the street. They had the best drinks and snacks. I would miss it if we left for _____ School.

“Sure,” Kai said. Was it just me, or did he sound a little breathless? I shook off the thought and opened the door, stepping in as I heard the bell tinkle, signaling the arrival of new customers.

The college student who worked at the counter looked up from her book.

“Annyeonghaseyo! How may I help you?” she asked cheerfully.

“One iced coffee please,” Kai said before I could say anything.

“Okay, is that all?” 

I opened my mouth to tell her to make it two, but Kai interrupted me.

“Yes, that’s all.” She nodded and turned around to prepare the order. I smacked his shoulder. 

“What the heck, man. Now I’ll have to ask her for another coffee myself. Why didn’t you let me say anything??” I demanded irritably. 

“Calm down,” he said laughing. “Let’s just share one.” I blinked at him. Share...?

The girl came back and handed him the drink. He paid and thanked her, and we left. Outside the cafe, I smacked him again.

“Geez, stop hitting me, Ae Lin,” Kai complained. “You’ll get your coffee!”

“I better,” I muttered. Kai brought the straw to his lips and took a long sip. 

“Don’t drink all of it,” I complained.

“Alright, alright.” He handed the cup to me. I stared at it. There was only one straw...

“Something wrong?” he asked innocently. I looked at him suspiciously. 

“Did you plan this on purpose?” I accused. He knew I was a germaphobe. He must’ve done this to get under my skin.

“What do you mean?” He widened his eyes. I sighed.

“Never mind.” I reached to wipe the top of the straw with my sleeve, but he caught my wrist.

“Don’t do that, your sleeve is dirty.” He pulled my wrist down. “Just drink it.”

Seeing no other way to enjoy the coffee, I sighed again and relented. I brought the straw to my lips and drank from it. A wide grin spread across Kai’s face.

“What.” My voice sounded blunt.

“Nothing.” But his eyes looked too happy for it to be ‘nothing.’

“Don’t lie. I know something’s up.” 

“Oh, come on, you didn’t realize it?” He feigned disappointment. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, oblivious.

“I’ll give you a hint.” His eyes twinkled as he put his fingers to his lips. I tilted my head in confusion, and then it hit me. My eyes widened. He chuckled.

“From your expression, I’m guessing you figured it out,” he teased.

“Y-you... You did this on purpose! Argh.” I shook my head.

“What, you don’t like it? Is an indirect kiss not satisfying enough for you?” He leaned into my ear. “Do you want a real one?” he whispered. I shivered and took a few steps back.

“N-no.” Images of him backed up against the wall with Mi Soo flashed through my head, and I swallowed. “Let’s just go.” I shoved the drink back into his hands, and he blinked at me in surprise.

Kai, what are you doing? Don’t play games. I don’t know if my heart can take it.

❃❃❃

**[All I Want For Christmas Is You: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ40h6U_sDs]

I glanced at the clock. Only half an hour until midnight, until it would be Christmas! I smiled.

Suddenly, my phone vibrated. I checked the caller ID. My stomach tingled. It was Kai. I answered it.

“Yoboseyo?” 

“Hey, what’s up?” His sleepy voice greeted me. My heartbeat quickened. His voice sounded different over the phone, and it never failed to surprise me when we called. It sounded...manlier. If that was possible.

“Not much, just waiting for Christmas,” I responded. I stifled a yawn, but he must have heard it because he chuckled.

“Are you tired?” he teased.

“No,” I denied. “But you sound pretty tired yourself.”

“Nah, this is how I normally am,” he drawled. I laughed. We talked for a while.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t get you a Christmas gift.” He sounded embarrassed.

“Ah, don’t worry about it. I didn’t get you anything either.” I brushed it off lightly.

“Hm, what do you want for Christmas?” he asked curiously. I hesitated. 

“Out of anything?”

“Mhm.”

My heart rate increased. There was only one thing I really wanted...

“Just something... But it’s okay, I know I’m not getting it.” 

“What is it? I’ll get it for you,” he offered. I looked up at the ceiling. Tears were threatening to come out of my eyes.

“No, I don’t think you would want to after I tell you,” I mumbled.

“What, is it illegal or something??”

“No! Kai, what kind of a person do you think I am?” I scoffed.

“Whew,” he feigned relief. “I was worried for a second.” But I didn’t laugh. He noticed.

“Hey, are you okay? Honestly, you can tell me. I’ll get it for you. I want you to be happy.” He sounded so sincere...but I knew he didn’t mean it because...

“You.”

“What?” he asked, confused.

“All I want for Christmas is you.” I said, voice breaking. There was a silence. I heard him take a deep breath. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to get it for me,” I said bitterly.

“Ae Lin...” His voice was full of pity. I hated it. 

“You don’t need to say anything.”

“I don’t deserve you,” he blurted. I froze. Then I laughed sarcastically.

“And yet, I still can’t have you.” 

He didn’t respond.

Then he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change your feelings about me. It doesn’t make me feel better. And believe me, I feel like crap. How do you think it feels to know that if you said you would go out with me, I would accept right away, but if I said that, you wouldn’t? You still love Mi Soo. Am I not good enough? That must be the reason.” I let it all out, and unknowingly, my vision blurred as tears started running down my face. I wiped them away furiously, but they didn’t stop. I covered the microphone on my phone so he wouldn’t be able to hear my shaky breaths.

“That’s not true.” His firm voice sounded over the phone. I blinked. “Don’t think you aren’t good enough, because you are beyond good. You’re amazing, Ae Lin. It’s my fault. I...I can’t let go of Mi Soo, and it’s not your fault. I want to. But I can’t. You deserve better than me. Truly.” I stayed quiet for a little while, silently sobbing.

“...Ae Lin? Are you still there?” Kai’s soft voice rang through my ears.

“I like you too much,” I whispered.

“What was that? I couldn’t hear you.”

“I like you too much,” I said louder. “And I’m such a fool because I like you too much.”

“No, I don’t like you enough.” I stopped breathing at his words. “I don’t like you enough for what you do for me.”

Just then, the clock chimed, signaling midnight. Christmas. Never before has it been so bittersweet.

❃❃❃

I didn’t contact Kai for the rest of break. I just enjoyed the days with my family. It was fun having Kris back from college. Even though he could be annoying and bossy, I had missed my older brother. By the time we got back, I felt refreshed. Renewed. Not the same girl wallowing in her own misery. Not the same girl who cried on Christmas Eve. I was different.

That evening as I was unpacking my suitcase, I heard my phone ring. It was Kai. Again. He had been calling and texting me for the past few days, but I had just ignored him. Now, I felt a new resolution stirring within me. Taking a deep breath, I picked up the call.

“AE LIN.” He sounded relieved. “You finally picked up!”

“Yeah,” I said flatly.

“Ah... Well, how are you?” he asked awkwardly.

“Better.”

“That’s good...” 

There was a pause.

“So, any New Year’s resolutions?” He tried to start conversation. Oh right, it was New Year’s Eve.

“Actually...yes.” He waited for me to continue. I took another deep breath. “It’s the reason I didn’t really talk to you these past few days...to see if I could get over you,” I confessed. There was no response from him, so I continued. “And it worked. I feel...ready to let go of you. And that’s my goal.”

“...That’s good for you...I guess...” But he sounded hesitant, almost sad. “I’m happy for you.”

“Well, you don’t sound happy. Are you okay?” I asked.

“I mean, I am happy...happy that you won’t get hurt anymore.” He seemed like he wanted to say more.

“But...?” I questioned. He sighed.

“But...I also don’t want you to,” he said quietly.

“...What?” I wasn’t sure if I heard correctly. 

“I...I want you to keep liking me.”

“Why?” I blurted. Then I immediately felt embarrassed for asking.

“Well...” He seemed hesitant. “I like you... So I want you to like me back.”

I blinked.

“Dude, don’t you like Mi Soo.” 

“I don’t know. Everything is just so confusing. My head is all jumbled up with my heart.” He sounded tired. I felt guilty for asking.

“Let’s talk about...something else,” I suggested. “How was your break?”

We ended up talking for a few more hours, and the conversation turned into light and friendly banter. The kind that was one of the main reasons why I value my friendship with Kai so much. We also talked about _____ School. He told me what his brothers said about it.

“They both said that although it was hard to leave their friends, _____ is definitely worth it. You get to make a ton of new friends that you’ll be really close to since you’ll see them everyday. Living there on your own in dorms is a whole new experience. I heard the food isn’t bad either. And the teachers are all really nice and understanding. Although I’m sure the curriculum is harder, I think we’ll like the challenge, you know? And the class sizes are so nice. We’ll get to discuss a lot more and stuff. The courses too are really cool. And I’m excited to join some sports teams and music clubs.” It all sounded so good.

Unknowingly, time passed by and it was already the countdown until midnight. We chanted together and cheered when it was officially the New Year. 

I yawned. “I guess we should sleep now.”

“Alright,” he agreed. 

“Oh wait,” I said, suddenly realizing something. “You never told me your resolution?”

“Oh...” Kai paused. “It’s a secret,” he said mysteriously. I pouted.

“But I told you mine,” I argued.

“Maybe I’ll tell you later...if it happens.” I could just hear the smirk in his voice. I sighed.

“Fine. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight...” he trailed off.

“Did you want to say something else?” I asked.

“Well... Honestly, that was the first time I wanted to call you my girlfriend.”

My heart stopped. ...Girlfriend?

“I-I...” I didn’t know how to respond.

“But forget it. I’m just really confused. Goodnight.”

“Wait,” I said softly. I checked to see if he had hung up. He hadn’t. “I...I don’t think I’m going to let go of you.”

The silence was so long that I had to check if he had hung up again. But he still hadn’t. I was about to call his name again when he finally spoke.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

❃❃❃

The next day, as I was getting my school supplies organized and scrambling to finish the homework I had procrastinated, Kai called me. I picked it up, putting the phone between my ear and shoulder as I continued working on my analytical essay for history. 

“What’s up?” I asked, taking a sip of my coffee.

“Not much. Just wanted to hear your voice.” I almost choked on my drink at his words. Wiping my mouth, I adjusted my phone into a more comfortable position.

“Why?”

“Because I like how it sounds,” he said nonchalantly. ...What??

“What do you mean?” I asked cautiously.

“I don’t know. It sounds...nice. Attractive,” he added. My eyes widened.

“What?? ...How?!” I demanded in disbelief. But my stomach began getting butterflies.

“It’s...hard to describe. Maybe it’s the quality of it? It’s so...unique. And I like it.” 

I didn’t know how to respond. I automatically scoffed, but it was only to cover up my embarrassment.

“Well, I’m flattered, really,” I managed to say. And honestly, I was.

“Good. I meant it as a compliment.” I could hear the smile in his voice, which made me smile too.

“Thanks,” I responded. “So how are you?”

“I’m...good.” But he didn’t sound confident in his answer.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I questioned. “Get it off your chest.”

“Alright,” he replied. “It’s just...about Mi Soo...” I stiffened at her name. Is she the reason why he isn’t happy right now? I frowned.

“What about her?” I asked, somewhat harshly.

“...Nothing. Just...” Kai hesitated. “Look, Ae Lin. I really like you. And I’m technically single. And so are you. And I’m starting to feel like...” He paused again. “Well, if Mi Soo wants to be together with me, all I’m going to say is that she really has to do something soon.” My heart pounded at his words.

“Do you really mean that?” I whispered.

“Well, yeah. I wouldn’t say something I don’t mean,” he told me.

“Then...what are you going to do?” I held my breath as I waited for his reply. 

“I guess...I’ll give her a deadline. If she doesn’t break up with Yixing before...January 12th, then I’ll forget her,” he promises. My eyes widen. That’s less than two weeks away. Just two weeks... Two incredibly long weeks.

❃❃❃

[Tinkerbell: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blnf3b2R3y8]

The next day, I woke up to my alarm clock and groaned. I don’t want to go back to school...

Dragging myself out of bed, I went to the bathroom and washed my face. I tugged at my tangled hair and decided I’d deal with it later. I headed to the kitchen and poured some milk when the doorbell rang. I jumped and the carton shook, spilling milk all over the counter. Muttering under my breath, I set the carton down and wiped off the drops that had splashed onto my arm while walking to the front door. I didn’t bother looking to see who it was, expecting it to either be a salesman or one of my parents who had forgotten their bag or something. They leave for work by the time I wake up, and my mom is rather forgetful so she has had to come back home a number of times this year.

I opened the door and jumped back at the person standing in front of me.

“...Kai?!” I stared at him. Then I narrowed my eyes. “What the heck are you doing here??” I was still in my pajamas, my hair was a mess, and I’m sure my face didn’t look too pretty either. He walked past me, not answering right away. I turned around and watched him, not moving. He walked up to the back of the couch and patted it with his hand, leaning against it. 

“I wanted to walk with you to school,” he said calmly, looking around the room. I crossed my arms.

“There’s still, like, half an hour until school starts. Why are you here already.” I narrowed my eyes at him.

“I didn’t want us to be late?” But he said it as a question. I sighed.

“Just wait here. I need to finish getting ready,” I said, walking back into the kitchen. But I heard footsteps behind me. I whipped around. “I told you to stay in the living room! Why are you following me??” He shrugged.

“I’m bored,” he stated simply.

Rolling my eyes, I ignored him and cleaned up the spilled milk. I heard a snort behind me.

“You spilled milk? What are you, five?” he teased.

“Hey! It was YOUR fault,” I protested. He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah,” I continued. “Your stupid doorbell ringing startled me.” He blinked at me and then started laughing. I pouted.

“Don’t laugh! Argh.” Frustrated, I wiped the table more harshly. When I finished, I put the milk carton back into the refrigerator and made a peanut butter sandwich for myself. I ate quickly because I lost time due to a certain spontaneous jerk.

I chugged my milk and put down my cup. Wiping my mouth, I looked up at Kai who was staring at me. I took a step back, startled.

“What are you doing??” I demanded, embarrassed.

“Watching you eat. It’s fascinating.” He gave me a smile. I was baffled.

“Don’t tease me,” I said, frustrated.

“I’m not,” he assured me, pretending to be hurt. “Why would you think that?”

“...Whatever,” I mumbled, putting the dishes in the sink. “Now actually stay here while I finish getting ready,” I ordered sternly. “You can get yourself something to eat or drink if you want. Turn on the TV if you’re bored.” I gave him the “I’m watching you” signal and ran to the bathroom. I heard him chuckling behind me and scowled.

The first thing I did was check my reflection in the mirror. My eyes widened and I mentally cursed myself. I looked horrible. Groaning, I started working through the tangled mess that was my hair. I really need to get it cut soon, I promised myself.

Twenty minutes later, I bounded out of the bathroom, fully dressed and looking appropriate for going out in public. Entering the living room, I found Kai back facing me, looking at a family picture of us in front of the Christmas tree that my mom had put on the wall over break. 

Embarrassed, I called, “Yah, what do you think you’re doing?” He turned around and opened his mouth to give a smart reply, but then he just let it hang open. I blinked.

“...Kai?” I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. He blinked and shook his head back and forth.

“Sorry,” he said, looking down. Is he...blushing?? “I...I like your sweater,” he mumbled. I looked down. The sweater was blue and black striped, a v-neck. I had just bought it while doing my Christmas shopping.

“Well, thanks I guess. I like it too,” I said with a laugh to try to dispel the awkwardness. Grabbing my backpack and coat, I shrugged it on. “Let’s go!”

Walking on the street, I blew air. It was cold enough to see my breath. Kai did the same.

“Copycat.” I stuck my tongue out at him. Leaning his head in, he stuck his tongue back out at me. I stumbled backwards. Our faces had been too close. And our tongues had been out... I shivered.

“Cold?” he asked, eyes glinting. He leaned in again and blew air into my face. I stumbled backwards again and fell. I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a harsh impact, but I felt none. Instead, I felt light pressure around my hips. Kai had caught my waist just before I hit the ground. Opening my eyes slowly, I saw Kai’s face an inch away from mine. And he was staring intensely at me. My eyes widened and I bit my lip to keep from gasping. His gaze lowered from my eyes to my lips. He began to lean in and my heartbeat picked up speed rapidly. I could only stare at him as his eyes closed and the distance between us got even smaller. Unconsciously, my eyes fluttered shut as well. 

You shouldn’t let him do this, a voice in the back of my head reprimanded. He also likes Mi Soo. He kissed Mi Soo too. This will only hurt you. And as much as my body craved the kiss...I knew the voice was right. But how do I stop him from kissing me? I’m about to fall and he’s the one supporting me...

Wait...shouldn’t he have kissed me by now anyway?! My eyes flew open and I saw Kai smirking at me. 

“If you want me to kiss you, you’re going to have to ask,” he whispered seductively. I stared at him in shock, and then realized how lucky I was that he actually said that.

“Well I don’t want you to, so let me up.” I tried to make my voice sound as flat as possible. And sure enough, Kai wasn’t expecting it. In surprise, he let go of my waist, and I fell backwards onto the snow.

“OOF!” I landed on my shoulder funny and jabs of pain shot through my arm. “That hurt,” I groaned.

“Ae Lin, I am so sorry!!” I heard Kai panicking above me. “I didn’t mean to drop you!!”

“Ugh, just help me up,” I said with another groan. He immediately grabbed my arm and yanked me to a standing position.

“Ouch! Gentle, gentle,” I complained. 

“AH, sorry!” Kai looked at me anxiously. “Are you okay?”

“What does it look like.” I glared.

“Do you want me to, uh, carry you or something?” His eyes were nervous. I sighed.

“I can walk, don’t worry. It’s not like I hurt my leg or something.” I took a few steps forward. “See? I’ll be fine.”

“Alright...” he said hesitantly. Then he glanced at his watch and his eyes widened.

“Ae Lin!! We only have two minutes!!! We’re going to be late!” he shouted, freaking out. I blinked at him.

“Then we’d better hurry.” He looked at me blankly, and then his lips crawled into a smile as he grabbed my hand and took off running, pulling me behind him.

❃❃❃

*[Shameless Lie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtoSztONT5g]

School kicked back into the regular routine, and Kai and I started up our study sessions again. We fell back into tangling our legs together, and I didn’t know how to feel. I wasn’t sure how he felt about Mi Soo either. But I found it easier to just forget about that and enjoy our moments together. We tried to spend as much time as possible, afraid we wouldn’t get the chance in the future with the aspect of boarding school looming in the future. Maybe I was being selfish and stupid, but I needed it. Craved the feeling. It was basically...my high. I don’t know when it evolved to become my addiction, but it did, and without it, I felt empty.

And I knew Kai felt the same way.

But I didn’t know if that was enough to change his feelings for Mi Soo.

“Hey,” Kai whispered, jerking me from my thoughts. It was a few days after we got back from break, and we were at my house, studying on the couch. I turned around to face him and automatically drew my head back because his face had been less than an inch from mine. But he only leaned in again. I was backing down on the side of the couch until I was practically laying down, and he was practically on top of me. His chest brushed mine and my heart beat rapidly.

“What are you doing?!” I hissed. I didn’t want to admit it but his advances were like electricity to me, sparking a fire that burned through my body.

“Depends. What do you want me to do?” He raised an eyebrow at me and smirked.

“N-nothing.” I gulped, hoping he wouldn’t see through the lie. But he raised his eyebrow again and I knew he saw my bluff. 

“Okay then.” He straightened up back into normal sitting position. Slowly, I straightened up too. I took deep breaths quietly to calm down, hoping he didn’t hear them as loudly as I did in my ears. 

“Ae Lin?” he called my name. I jumped, startled, but turned to look at him.

“Yes?” But I saw that his expression had softened. It was more gentle now. I blinked my eyes in surprise.

“Can I...hold your hand?” He looked down shyly. My heart started thumping again. He looked so vulnerable...so innocent like this. I managed to nod, biting my lip. His hand slipped into mine, and I had to keep myself from staring at it. My stomach fluttered. 

It’s not like this is the first time you have held hands with him, I told myself. But my heart kept beating quickly anyway. This time was different. And I liked how our hands fit together. I smiled to myself.

I heard Kai breathing deeply next to me. I peeked over at him, and he looked very nervous. I blinked in surprise. Where was his usual confident self?

“...Kai?” I called his name hesitantly.

“Yes?” he answered without turning his head.

“Are you okay?” I glanced at him again. He took a deep breath.

“Can I tell you something?” he whispered.

“Of course,” I responded. 

“Well...do you remember how I didn’t tell you my New Year’s resolution?” he asked. I nodded and my pulse quickened in anticipation. “Well...” he paused. “It was that we would be boyfriend and girlfriend.”

My eyes widened in shock. My first reaction was surprise. Then happiness. Then uncertainty.

“What about Mi Soo?” I questioned cautiously. He sighed.

“I want to let go of her. For you.” He looked at me now, staring into my eyes. I gazed back at him, enraptured.

“Ae Lin, can I ask you something now?” He didn’t break his gaze. I nodded, not daring to blink. “Do you not want me to kiss you still?” The question caught me off guard, and I blinked in surprise, breaking the eye contact and looking down. “Ae Lin,” he called again, somewhat sternly. 

“Yes?” I whispered.

“Answer my question, please?”

I gulped. Should I tell the truth? I guess it would be more harmful to lie, right?

“No,” I said. Kai tilted his head.

“No? You still don’t want to kiss me?” He looked disappointed.

“No, I don’t still not want you to kiss me.” I watched as he scrunched his eyebrows together, figuring out the double negative. Then his face broke into a smile. 

“Why can’t you just say it outright?” He pouted. Unable to resist the aegyo, I sighed, looking away.

“Fine. I want you to kiss me. Happy?” I was about to look back at him to glare, but when I turned my head, his lips were suddenly on mine. My eyes widened, and then fluttered shut. This is my first kiss.

His hands gently pressed down on my shoulders, guiding me to lay with my back flat on the couch. He pinned me down and climbed on top of me. I bit my lip in the kiss to keep from gasping, but he attacked it gently and I let go. His tongue around the edges of my lips. Unconsciously, my lips parted slightly and he his tongue in. That actually made me gasp, and I broke away, panting. I could feel Kai’s intense gaze fixed upon me. I squirmed uncomfortably. He noticed and immediately got off of me, sitting back on his side of the couch. I sat up, not meeting his eyes. 

Gathering myself back together, I finally said, “That’s probably enough for today...”

“I’m sorry,” he blurted. “I...I shouldn’t have done that so soon.” He looked down.

“Done what?” I asked, unsure of what he was referring to exactly.

“My tongue...” His face turned red. He buried his face in his hands to hide it.

“It’s...okay.” I looked at him softly. “Don’t worry about it.”

He still looked embarrassed and didn’t move his hands from his face. Maybe I should leave him alone for a bit and come back when it’s not as awkward.

“I’ll...get us a snack.”

❃❃❃

**[Amutgodo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buWoVeUxi8o]

“She did it.” His voice was flat, and I couldn’t read his emotionless eyes. I stared back at him.

“Who did what?” 

“Mi Soo...broke up with Yixing.” He looked away. I blinked. Then I understood. I racked my brain for the date and realized it was the ninth. Before the deadline.

“So...what are you going to do?” I asked cautiously.

“I...don’t know,” he admitted. My shoulders slumped in disappointment, but then I scolded myself. You can’t expect him to just suddenly give up his first love. Especially when she’s responding to his feelings now. Who are you to get in between them? My heart wrenched at the thought of being the only thing blocking them from a relationship now.

“Well, do what you think is right,” I advised, trying to stay unbiased. “Do what will make you happy.”

❃❃❃

“Ae Lin, I talked to her,” Kai said quietly over the phone. It was evening now. After he told me about Mi Soo, he had excused himself to go home, wanting to sort things out alone. I had understood.

“What’d you say?” I asked, swallowing.

“I told her... I told her that we should just be friends.”

My heart stopped. Does this mean...he doesn’t like her anymore? Joy immediately consumed me, but I pushed it away. Don’t feel happy about this. Mi Soo is probably hurt.

“What did she say?” I questioned after taking a deep breath.

“Well...she said something to me, and now I’m having second thoughts,” he confessed. I froze. My heart plunged. I knew it was too good to be true. I felt the tears coming.

“What did she say?” I asked flatly, attempting to wipe all emotion from my voice. I didn’t want to give away what my heart was feeling. But tears silently rolled down my cheeks.

“I...I’d rather not say. If you don’t mind,” he said quietly.

“Alright, I’ll respect that,” I responded reluctantly. “I wouldn’t force you to say something you didn’t want to.”

“Thanks, Ae Lin,” he whispered.

“No problem.” I took a deep breath. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve without making any noise.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His voice was shaky.

“For what?”

“For not being good enough or strong enough to be with you. It’s my fault.” He sounded pained.

“No, it’s not. I’m sorry for coming in between you and Mi Soo,” I stated. I was starting to feel numb. The tears were still coming.

“Don’t say that,” he said harshly. I blinked in surprise. “You didn’t come in between us. Mi Soo came between me and you.” I gasped softly. Does he...really mean that? I shook my head. Don’t expect anything. Don’t raise your expectations just to have them crushed.

“Kai, I don’t know if I can believe that,” I responded quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“You loved Mi Soo first... And you continued to love her. You love her so much that...you’re giving up me. Doesn’t that make me the one who came in between you two?” I argued. “It was as if you two had a thing going and I just in. I was the reason she told you she didn’t like you anymore that time, after reading our texts, remember? And now, I was the reason you told her to be friends, but you’re still going back to her. It seems like I’m coming in between you two.” My voice wavered and I looked up at the ceiling in an effort to stop the tears. My vision was blurry.

“That’s not true.” His voice was rough. “You’re missing a very important point. Although I loved her first... Although it might seem like you cut in later... The one I really want is you. Not her.”

My heart stopped. 

“But if you want me, why are you going to ask her out?” My voice sounded like a child’s. I heard him sigh.

“I just need...some kind of closure with her,” he said finally. “I feel like, I can’t just let go now. Not when I have this last chance. But after this...I’ll finally be able to let go of her.” I didn’t reply. Thoughts swirled around my head.

“Ae Lin?” he called softly.

“Yes?” I answered, heart beating rapidly.

“Can you wait for me?” I stopped breathing at his request.

“Wait for you?” I repeated.

“Yeah... Wait until I stop liking Mi Soo?” He sounded nervous. I tried to organize my thoughts. Was this a good idea? How long would he take? Would he ever let go of Mi Soo completely? Do I want to put myself in this situation?

“Yes,” I said, surprising myself. The answer was in my heart all along. “I’ll be waiting.”

“Thank you,” he whispered. Hopefully this won’t be a mistake...

❃❃❃

*[Love Theme: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01ysj71Dx4M]

The next day was Friday. When I dragged myself out of bed in the morning, I checked my reflection. My eyes weren’t swollen. They never show any sign of tears I shed. Maybe it’s just because I cry too often, heck I cry nearly every day from laughing so hard, but people can never tell when it happens unless they see me while I’m crying. Not even Kai knew.

Speaking of Kai, he had an after school meeting, so he didn’t come over when school ended. I began my homework on the couch, alone. It felt empty without him. I shook my head. No, don’t think like that. Don’t get used to him being here. What’ll happen if he...leaves? I swallowed, trying to push away the thought. 

A popped a few M&M’s into my mouth, trying to focus on my science homework. Ugh, I hate Physics. 

Suddenly, the door rang, making me jump and drop my books. I scowled. Who could it be? I wondered. Not Kai... Usually when he has meetings after school, he doesn’t come over afterwards. I walked to the door and looked through the peephole. My heart started thumping in my chest. I opened the door.

“Kai? What are you doing here?” I asked, confused. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“I wanted to see you. Why, did you not want to see me?” His eyes saddened.

“No no, of course not!” I said quickly, giving him a reassuring smile. “I just wasn’t expecting you is all.”

“Oh, okay.” He smiled back at me, stepping into my house. “So, what were you doing?”

“Oh you know, nothing much. Just this thing called homework,” I said playfully. “Not that you’d know what that is, Mr. Procrastination and Distraction.”

“So I distract you from homework?” He looked at me, eyes twinkling. I flushed.

“No, that’s not what I meant,” I denied, looking down.

“Maybe I shouldn’t come over anymore.” 

“No!” I blurted. My face turned even redder. “I mean, no, it’s okay.” He smirked. Then he closed the distance between us with two long strides. I backed up slightly at his sudden advance, pressing up against the wall.

“Do you want me to distract you then?” he whispered. “Do you like it when I distract you?”

“Yes- I mean no- I mean... I don’t know!” I looked down, not wanting to look up. His face was inches away from mine. He took another step forward, and I pressed up against the wall as far back as I could. 

“Just say it outright if you want me to, Ae Lin,” he murmured in my ear. I shivered at his hot breath against the side of my face.

“...Go ahead,” I mumbled.

“What was that?” Oh gosh, stop talking when you’re so close to me.

“Look, it’s not like I could stop you anyway...” I felt my ears turn red. He let out a chuckle.

“You know me well.” And then his lips were on mine. He pressed his body up against mine so there was no space between us. He kissed me gently, but at the same time with a need I could feel building up inside him. And I found myself kissing back. My “innocent” lips, which had never experienced such a thing before in my life, were moving as skillfully as if I had done it many times before. Is this what desire does to a person?

This time, when he around my lips, I opened them for him with only the slightest hesitation. A voice in the back of my head nagged me that this will probably only hurt me in the future, but I ignored it, which wasn’t hard because Kai was just so distracting.

His left arm had s around my waist, pressing me even closer to his body if that was physically possible, and his right hand had made its way to the back of my head, holding it as we kissed, keeping my face close to his. As his tongue explored my mouth, his hand ran through my hair and tangled itself in it. I resisted the urge to bite my lip. 

His tongue retreated from my mouth and I was confused for a second, mouth feeling empty without it. But his lips attacked mine with a stronger ferocity than before and I almost gasped. He bit my lower lip and a soft moan escaped from my lips. My eyes blinked open in shock at the sound I made. I saw him smirk. He brought his lips off of mine, but hovered them a millimeter away.

“Do you want more?” he asked seductively, his hot breath on my mouth. I didn’t respond, just biting my lip. “You know, I love it when you do that.” 

I opened my mouth to respond, but then he pressed his lips forcefully onto mine again. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the kiss. My arms found their way to wrap around his neck, and he faltered for a second. I opened my eyes and saw his wide with shock. I looked away, embarrassed, and began to bring my arms down.

“No.” His voice was so strong that I froze. “Keep them there,” he demanded. 

“Oka-” But he kissed me again, not letting me finish. I don’t know how long we kissed, only pausing for gasps of air in between. Every time I thought we were done, he would just push against me and press his lips on mine again. Finally, he broke away. 

Kai his lips and smacked them together. "You taste good...like chocolate." I blushed, remembering the M&Ms I had been eating earlier. "It makes me just want to kiss you more." I didn't respond, heart beating wildly.

“Ae Lin, can I tell you something?” he murmured. I nodded, biting my lip again. “Read my lips.” I focused on his lips and felt my heart beating rapidly. Those lips... Then he mouthed three words. Did I see that correctly...? No... It can’t be...

“S-say it out loud,” I stuttered. Surprisingly, he obeyed without protesting or teasing.

“Saranghae.” 

His voice was but a whisper, and it sent chills down my spine. My head was spinning. I had already been disoriented from the kissing. I didn’t know what to think or say. Is this feeling...love?

“I love you too,” I told him quietly. I looked at his lips again, then gathering my courage, I went up on my tiptoes a little bit and pecked him on the lips, bringing my head back down immediately afterwards. However, his hand caught the back of my head and pressed it to his so we were kissing again. 

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that,” he murmured when we finally broke apart. I gave him a smile.

“Me too.”

❃❃❃

[As Ever: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Juqqdvd6PwE]

When I woke up in the morning, I realized it was Saturday. And today was the day of my placement exam for the school. Holy crap.

I ended up taking the exam in a dazed state, mind constantly drifting to my time with Kai the day before...

After I got home, I shot Kai a text.

Just took the placement exam. It wasn’t too bad.

Immediately, my phone started ringing. Kai was calling me. I picked up.

“What’s up?” His voice greeted me.

“Not much,” I responded. “I just got home.”

“Cool.” He paused. 

“Kai?” I asked after a few seconds.

“Huh? Oh sorry, I was just thinking...” He trailed off.

“About what?” I questioned.

“Just... Well, I need to tell you something,” he confessed. My heart skipped a beat.

“What is it?”

“Well, you know how we don’t have school on Monday?” he asked. Oh right, there was a staff inservice day, so students have off.

“Yeah?”

“Um, well when we get back on Tuesday...” He took a deep breath. “I’m planning to ask Mi Soo out.”

I froze. Did I hear right? But...why? I immediately felt crushed. Betrayed.

“W-why?” My voice dropped to a whisper.

“Well... She’s my first love. And I’ve been waiting for her for so long. I loved her first, so she deserves this chance again. I’m...giving her a fair chance to make me fall in love with her again.” His words rang in my ears.

“I...I thought you loved me.” My voice cracked. I could feel the tears coming, but I tried to push them back. You’re not going to cry right now, Ae Lin. 

“I do, Ae Lin, don’t ever forget that.” His voice was softer, but also sterner. “Honestly, I don’t think I’ll fall in love with her.” I waited for him to continue. He took a deep breath. “I think...I’m too afraid that she’ll hurt me again to fall in love with her this time. And also, I fell in love with you while I was in love with her, and that’s never happened to me before. So I have this belief...a belief that our love is stronger.”

I held my breath, touched by his words, but hesitant to believe them.

“Please, I’m speaking the truth,” he pleaded as if he read my mind. “Please, believe me.”

“Alright...” I agreed reluctantly. He seemed so sure. And I guess, he knows himself best, right? “I’ll believe you.”

❃❃❃

Two days later, my mom knocked at my door in the morning.

“Ae Lin!! You have your interview for _____ School today at 8 am! Get out of bed and get ready!!” she shouted. I shot up. It’s today???? Groaning, I pulled off my blankets and climbed out of bed. I scrambled into my closet and looked for something appropriate to wear. I ended up pulling out a red turtleneck with a fitted white vest over it and black dress pants. After I got ready, I looked over a list of standard questions that schools usually ask which I had found online. 

My mom called that we needed to go. Already?? At least I would also have the car ride to prepare myself. Grabbing a snack bar and slipping on a pair of black leather boots, I rushed out the door. 

However in the car, I felt my head nodding and soon I was asleep. Before I knew it, an hour had passed and my parents were telling me that we were at the school. Crap.

It was a rainy day, and the snow that had glistened so beautifully before was now dirty gray mushy slush. But the campus was still amazing. We had the tour while it was raining, hiding under umbrellas as we lept over puddles, but I couldn’t help staring in awe at everything. It was really nice. And if I liked it so much in such bad weather, I was guaranteed to like it when the sun was shining.

The interview went fairly well, although I was afraid that I had been too timid. When my parents were called in alone, I sat in the waiting room and looked out the window. Students were making their ways to their next classes. Most of them were gone by now. I remembered the tour guide saying there were ten minutes in between classes. More than twice the time at our school, but here the students had to walk outside to switch buildings.

Gazing out the window, I saw a couple holding hands. My heart lurched. Glancing at the time, I decided to text Kai. Surprisingly, he responded right away.

What’s up? Did you have the interview already? How’d it go?

I chuckled slightly at his eager questions.

It went well! I’m waiting for my parents now. 

I bit my lip. Should I mention it...? I decided to add it on.

And I saw a couple holding hands outside. And thought about you...us.

I hit send and waited for his response. It was quick.

It could be us, should be us, will be us.

My heart started beating rapidly.

There’s ten minutes in between classes.

He replied. Our next few texts were short and quick.

That’s a lot of time.

For us

To kiss.

He finished the sentence after my reply, and I gulped in a deep breath. If you mean that...what about Mi Soo?

❃❃❃

**[Can You Hear Me: http://youtu.be/pUFkhOhWzjU] [A/N]: This was the song that inspired me to write this oneshot.

The rest of the day passed too quickly. Soon, it was the next morning and time for school. The knowledge of what would happen today weighed me down like a thousand bricks. During class, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Kai. I didn’t even wave to him. When I walked in the classroom, he had looked up at me and smiled, waving happily. But I had just blinked at him, swallowed, and turned away. He seemed hurt and was about to call out to me, but the teacher commanded our attention and tarted class. 

Sorry, Kai. I just can’t face you right now. Not like this. It’s too painful.

I was dreading the end of class. I gathered my books a little beforehand so I could rush out as soon as the bell rang. Fortunately, Kai didn’t catch up to me. And that’s how the rest of the day went. I tried my best to avoid him, and I succeeded. I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. Wondering if he had done it yet. I guess it’s pointless to hope Mi Soo won’t accept. She wants this, after all. She was the one who broke up with Yixing for him.

After school, I decided not to walk home in case Kai caught up to me again. When I got home, I plopped on the couch and put my hand over my face. I wasn’t in the mood for homework. Instead, I just lay there, thoughts swirling around my head. I wondered what he’d do when we went to _____ School. What would happen then?

My phone buzzed. I dug it out of my pocket and squinted at the screen. A text from Kai.

I asked her.

My heart stopped. 

Congrats.

I wondered if he could see the sarcasm in my text. I guess he did, because he responded quickly.

Ae Lin, don’t be like this. Please, you’re the one I love. Don’t forget that.

I sighed. But why would you love someone and then go out with another? I thought as I tugged at my hair.

Alright, Kai. I won’t forget.

❃❃❃

But it’s hard. I was reminded too often that the one he chose was her. 

The next day at school, my friend Yoon Jin ran up to me looking like she was about to explode.

“Ae Lin!!! Did you hear?? Kai asked Mi Soo out, and she said yes!!” Yoon Jin squealed. “I’m so happy for them,” she gushed. I winced. Yoon Jin was also a close friend of Kai and Mi Soo. She was a very bubbly person, but I wasn’t in the mood to be happy with her at the moment. I didn’t want to pretend I supported the relationship. But I faked a smile.

“Yeah, he told me! But uh, I have to get to class. Talk to you later.” I gave her a small wave and a tight smile before turning and getting out of there as fast as I could. Tears were already threatening to spill over. Do not freaking cry, Ae Lin. Not here at school.

I couldn’t look at him during class. I did my best to avoid him. But when we were together, I tried to act as normal as I could. Just like before after I had seen him kiss Mi Soo, I pretended nothing happened and tried to be how we usually were. It killed me inside, but I knew this was what I had to do.

I felt myself breaking every time I saw them walking together. Holding hands. Smiling. Gazing into each other’s eyes.

No, he said he wasn’t going to fall in love with her, I had to continuously remind myself. But it didn’t sound real anymore.

I stopped walking home since he didn’t really come over often for study sessions anymore. I moved from the couch to doing homework at the kitchen table because I couldn’t even stand looking at the couch without my eyes watering. Heck, I couldn’t even hear the doorbell ring without thinking of Kai. I actually began feeling grateful that I wasn’t very popular and not many people came over to my house. Sitting at the kitchen table turned out to be a bad idea though because I ended up eating way too much. 

And of course, taking the bus home didn’t really solve my problems either since they walked past my bus every day. I tried not to look out the window after the first time I saw them. It wrenched on my heart. I texted Kai.

It hurts to see you with her.

He replied later.

You must not forget that I love you, or I’ll forget that you love me.

Swallowing, I replied.

I’ll try.

❃❃❃

**[Mistake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLwYdnkJVyk]

A month. A month was all it took. And he was gone. 

One night, he told me he didn’t love me anymore. And he didn’t want to come over to study anymore. Of course, we hadn’t really had many study sessions, but it still hurt. 

Overwhelming pain.

Endless tears.

His words rang in my head.

“Ae Lin, I can’t go on like this anymore. It’s going to kill me. I like Mi Soo too much. I’m not going to let go. She just finds a way to make everything right.”

She just finds a way to make everything right.

Everything right.

Right.

My world turned upside down. 

I’m glad you’re all right now, because everything about me is all wrong.

All I could do was think it was my fault. My fault I didn’t make him love me more. My fault I loved him too much.

I couldn’t look at him. The only time I could bring myself to even speak to him was over the phone. And our conversations were tense to say the least.

“Ae Lin, I’m sorry.” He was constantly apologizing to me. But it meant nothing.

“I don’t want your apologies. They won’t make you love me.” My voice cracked. 

“Sorry,” he whispered.

“Do you even mean it? Before, I thought I could trust what you said. But now... What happened to ‘I’ll never say anything I don’t mean,’ huh? Kai, you’ve changed.” My words were biting and aiming to hurt. I didn’t care anymore.

He stayed silent.

“What happened to ‘I don’t think I’ll fall in love with her again’? What happened to thinking ‘our love is stronger’?!” Another tear rolled down my cheek. “You don’t even want me anymore,” I whispered.

“That’s not true,” he argued. 

“How can you possibly say that??” I snapped. “You’re lying to me through your teeth. You don’t love me anymore. So you obviously don’t want me anymore.”

“I don’t think so,” he said quietly.

“Well, it’s not like there’s any middle ground. It’s love and want, or don’t love and don’t want.”

“Look, Ae Lin.” He sounded almost...annoyed. Him, annoyed?? Who do you think you are, Kai?! “You need to compromise to get what you want.”

My mouth fell open. I couldn’t believe it.

“You’re saying that I need to compromise?? Don’t you know? I’m usually a very understanding person, and I’ll try my best to suit other people’s needs. I compromise in EVERYTHING. EXCEPT WHAT I REALLY WANT.” I took a shuddering breath. I took a few more deep breaths to calm down. He didn’t reply.

“Wow, just look at the irony,” I commented in a strained voice. “We’ve switched roles.” I gave a sharp, sarcastic laugh.

“What? How so?” he asked.

“I’ve become you. The way you were with Mi Soo. And you’ve become her.” He didn’t say anything, so I continued. “When you were chasing her with all your might. If you remember? The way you would try to convince her. The desperation. Before, I didn’t know why you would continue doing such things. But now I understand. I understand completely.” 

“I see.”

I sighed in frustration, blowing my bangs out of my face.

“Why do I even still love you?” The words left my mouth before I could stop them. He paused before responding.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know why you still bother to talk to me if all you have to say is bad.” I felt a twinge of guilt at his words, but I pushed it away.

“Well what do you want me to say? ‘I still love you and everything’s good, so just keep sticking your tongue down Mi Soo’s throat when I’m not around. It’s totally fine’?” I laughed bitterly. 

He remained quiet.

❃❃❃

Unfortunately, I eventually did see it. Two weeks later, I saw Kai and Mi Soo making out in the hallway, and it broke me. Witnessing it with my own eyes. Having it replay over and over in my mind. I couldn’t take it anymore.

After school, I called Kai. He picked up.

“I can’t do this, Kai.” That was the first thing I said. 

“What?”

“I don’t want to be your second choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Number two, back up girl, rebound? Sound familiar? Because isn’t that basically what I am?” I could feel my anger rising. “I’ll never be good enough for you to be number one. I can’t wait for you. I don’t like breaking my promises, but you broke yours first.”

There was a silence. I was going to say something, but he finally spoke up.

“I understand.”

...That’s it? I shook my head back and forth. What were you expecting anyway, Ae Lin? For him to tell you not to? To fight for you? Of course not. He doesn’t even love you. He loves Mi Soo. But it still hurt. I don’t know how many times my heart broke that month, but I didn’t want it to happen again.

Kai, I won’t let myself be hurt by you again, I vowed.

❃❃❃

Letting go of him was a long and painful process. And it didn’t help that a month later, I found out I wasn’t accepted to _____ School. But Kai was. It was fitting though, that we wouldn’t go there together. That we were separated. I guess we were just never meant to be.

I cut my hair almost immediately after I told him I was letting go of him. The short bob fell just short of my shoulders. I donated the hair I had cut off. Everyone was shocked when they saw me, especially Kai. He had always loved my hair, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t do it on purpose to see his reaction. He never told me exactly what he thought of my haircut, although I knew he didn’t like it.

Slowly, slowly, I let go of him. And even more slowly, I forgave him. Repaired our friendship. 

By spring, we were talking almost completely comfortably. Spring was a time of renewal, and I was really trying to get back to how it was before, and I knew he was too. By the time school ended, we were just about there. 

Throughout the summer, we grew close again and hung out a lot, knowing we would barely see each other when school started and he went off to _____ School.

At the end of the summer, he and Mi Soo broke up. It was mutual. They both agreed that they didn’t want a long distance relationship. I couldn’t help thinking that it was all for nothing. All the pain I went through seeing them together, knowing he was happy, but they broke up anyway.

At least we were still friends. I was very thankful for that. If our love had been fragile, then our friendship was extremely strong.

❃❃❃

**[One Year Later: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E1wKrFgs3o]

“Kai, our school’s prom is coming up. You should come!” I suggested.

“Oh yeah, I heard about that. You really think so?” he asked, voice perking up.

“Well, of course! Everyone would be so excited to see you again,” I said, laughing as I imagined what their faces would look like.

It was a little over a year later. We talked a lot while he was away at school. We had even seen each other on numerous occasions when he came home sometimes, going out with a few friends to catch a movie or gathering some people to kick a soccer ball around. Never just the two of us though. I was cautious not to let that happen.

“I want to come,” he admitted, “But I’ll only come if I get a date.”

“Aw, why?” I pouted.

“I’m not going to go alone,” he said stubbornly. 

“Alright, alright.” I sighed. “Well, I would offer for us to go as friends, but I don’t think we should.”

“Why not?” His voice sounded almost...disappointed. 

“Well, I’d rather not have rumors start going around after what happened...” I took a breath. We never talked about it anymore, and I hated having to bring it up. “But anyway, I also want to respect Mi Soo. She probably wouldn’t feel too good seeing us together, especially after she knew that we had liked each other. And believe me, no one likes feeling second best.”

“Ah, I understand,” he finally said after a pause. “But actually...” I heard him take a deep breath. “I was going to ask if you wanted to go with me,” he confessed. My jaw dropped.

“What? Why?” I asked in disbelief.

“Well...I like you again.” 

I stiffened. Say what?!

“Ae Lin, I realized choosing Mi Soo was a huge mistake. I regret it every day. I continuously imagine what it would be like now if I had just chosen you. How it would be if you had been accepted to _____ School. I wish you had made it for not so good reasons and also good reasons. I mean, I think you would fit really well here. You would enjoy the challenge.” He took another deep breath. “And I also think...we would have been perfect together. We fit each other really well. And I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I still do. I tried liking other girls, and I do kind of like this one girl, but I can’t help but compare you to her, and when I do, I...find more things I don’t like in her that I don’t find in you.”

I had to cut in here.

“Kai, you shouldn’t...compare people like that. It’s not fair to either of us, really. Maybe it’s just that you’ve known me longer, and you’re used to the bad stuff in me. And I’m also more of a reserved person, so maybe you just don’t get to see everything all the time.”

He sighed.

“I’m sorry, Kai. Really, I am. But I really value our friendship now. And those times are in the past. They’ll always be a part of my history, but I...I don’t want them to be a part of my future. I’d rather not relive those moments. It’s too late.”

There was a silence.

“I get it,” he whispered. “Sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

After thinking about it for a second, I added, “But I’d still love to see you at prom. I don’t think I’m going with anyone either, even if they ask. We can go alone together?” I suggested, smiling slightly.

“Sure,” he replied. I could hear a small smile in his voice as well. And I knew things were going to be okay between us.

Some things just can’t be reversed. Some decisions can’t be remade. Some things can’t be fixed. Nothing that shatters can be perfectly made whole again. Nothing that broke so badly could ever be restored to its original condition again. There will always be traces left over.

That’s how it is with everything in this world. And nothing can change that. Not even the corrosive nature of time.