Ahmm...

Okay, I give up! I cannot lie to myself! I am pretty disappointed.

It's not like I miss him!

But I can't deny he's nice. Or if he is pretending to be nice, he's pretty convincing.

"You inspire me..."

HECK! Why am I giggling when I remember that?

But the fact he haven't tried to talk to me proves he is lying!

I think he said the same words to other female idol stars! It just so happen those words will not work to me. I smirked.

Don't be disappointed Chaerin. You are too good for him.

____________

I want to shut my ears out because the unnies can't stop blabbering how 'nice' and 'lovable' those rotten boys are. I smiled to myself. Good thing I know better.

"CL-roo, so how are you and Nichkhun?" Bom said to me.

"Eh? What are you saying unnie? He's not my type. Hey, he's your crush right?" I tried to divert the conversation but pretty shocked they asked about him and me. What is between us anyway? We don't even talk!

"I know. But he doesn't fancy me. I'll just go with Taec instead who's giving me attention."

"Yah, CL. You don't know Khun likes you?"

HE... LIKES... ME? NO... NA-AH. IMPOSSIBLE. My unnies are out of their minds.

I laughed so loud. But I don't know why it sounded so fake.

They laughed.

"CL is so clueless."

I don't want to ask them how they come up with that statement. It will only make me appear interested. Which by the way I am... not.

Pretty boys are not my type.

____________

I'm distracted the whole day because of what the unnies said to me.

No. Never. He will never like me.

Wait! What am I thinking? Am I degrading myself?

I changed my perspective.

So what if he likes me? I don't like him!

"YAH! CL, concentrate! You keep messing the steps!" The choreographer scolded me. I can feel all of their eyes on me. How embarassing. I'm sure he's laughing his head off of my mistakes.

I'll sneak in a look. Harmless quick glance.

I looked at him through the mirror of the practice room but was very regretful I did.

I saw concern in his face. Or am I mistaken?

____________

"So this is our meeting place?"

Again, he startled me while I'm hanging out by myself in the pantry.

I can't help but smile. Wrong move.

He sat beside me and answered my smile with a beautiful smile. Okay.. I'm totally degrading myself.

"I..." He started. I gave him a curious look. When he saw that, he smiled again. (Damn.)

"If you don't want to talk to me, it's okay. Just say it. I don't want to bother you or anything. Just tell me what you want and I'll do it. If you really don't wanna be friends with me, then I'll try my best not to talk to you." He said in one go. I looked at his beautiful face. DAMN! WHY CAN'T I LIE TO MYSELF!!!!

"I don't wanna be friends with you. Please don't talk to me again." I said. I don't know why I feel so bad after saying that.

"Okay then." Is that disappointment I see in his face?

I can't help but ask, "Aren't you gonna ask the reason why?"

He looked at me with his sad eyes. "What I don't know will not hurt me." He said and left.

____________

That conversation worsen my performance. I felt so guilty.

I felt I broke something precious. It's in my hands but I dropped it.

I didn't dare to look at him again.

After practice, Dara unnie approached me. The rotten boys have went to their scheduled performance. Yay for me.

"I'm really worried CL. What happened with you and Nichkhun?"

"What do you mean?" She's at it again.

"He looks devastated. That started when he entered the room from the pantry. I guess he followed you there. Have you talked?"

I nodded. Now I feel more guilty.

"About what? Did he confessed?" That irks me.

"Stop telling me he likes me because he don't! He's just probably sad because his tactics doesn't work on me." Great. This is the Old me. The real me.

"Why are you so stubborn? How can you be so blind? He likes you! Everyday, he texts us to check how you are doing. If you have eaten lunch, dinner. How is your voice, health. Everytime we practice, he only have his eyes on you! Damn it CL! Id you don't like him, I get it. But please be nice! If you think he is a playboy, then changed your mind because he's been very faithful!" I was shocked. I can feel the earth shake below me. I can't blame Dara unnie for being angry.

Now I wanna punch myself.

____________

Next day. I am so ashamed of myself. I don't want to show my face to them... especially to him.

So he likes me? Or shall I say he liked me?

STOP BEING STUBBORN!

I entered the practice room with the girls. The boys waved at us.

But he's not there.

I clenched my fist. I really want to punch myself.

STOP BEING STUBBORN.

I approached Junsu.

"Where's Nichkhun?" I don't care if others may hear me asking. I don't care about what they think of me anymore.

"He's sick. He's now resting in our... wait, Chaerin!"

I dashed and got in our van. I don't care if the choreographer scolds me later. I don't care if I will look crazy to the others.

"Please don't ask me why I'm here. Just drive to the place I will tell you." I told my manager who looks scared to death.

____________

I really like her. But she seems to hate me. I sighed.

I think she have lots of bad thoughts about me.. us. I can see it in the way she looks at us, especially the first day of our practice. She looks annoyed.

What I said to her that day is all true. She's my inspiration. I admire her strength, her leadership, her dorkiness, her angst. Everything. I really want to know her better but it seems like she's only angered by my efforts.

I tried my very best to suppress my feelings. I should not talk to her. I should not make her feel uncomfortable. I want to do whatever it takes to make sure she feels okay.

Yesterday, I took my last chance. If she said she wants to be friends, I will pursue her. If not, I will try my very best to forget her. She'll be happier that way.

I heard knocks. Are the guys back? Wait, they just left.

"Who is it?" I said while opening the door.

I saw her. She is soaked by the rain outside.

"Why are you here? Wait get inside, I'll get a towel." I hurriedly went to my room and took one clean towel. I went back and saw her sitting on the couch, in her lap is a plastic bag.

"Here." I said and handed her the towel.

She took it and used it to dry her hair.

"How are you feeling?" She said without looking at me. Dang, I feel so happy she's here with me... And she's talking to me!

"Much better." I smiled. I want to get near but I don't want to scare her.

She smiled. She took the plastic bag from her lap and put it on the table.

"I don't know what's your sickness so I bought all kinds of medicines. I hope something there can help."

Sweetness gracious. I feel like I'm in cloud 9.

She stood up and was heading for the door but I stopped her.

"Thank you Chaerin. I... I'm very happy."

"Can I punch you?" She said out of nowhere.

"What?"

Without saying anything else, she gave me punch in the face. I felt she restricted force but still it hurt a little bit.

"I've been lying to you. The truth is I really want to be friends with you. But I feel like punching you everytime I see you. So if you're okay with that, then let's be friends."

I laughed. She's making me like her even more.

"If that's the only way then, I think I can handle it." I touched the punched side of my face. "I'll try."

She gave me the eye smile I really like.

"Get well soon Nichkhun oppa."