"Do you really have to go?" she asks me with tears in her eyes.

 

I feel my heart heavy as I try to find the courage to answer. "You know I have no choice. My family..." I try to explain but my throat feels too sore to utter any words. 

 

She nods to show me she understands. Does she really understand? Does she know how much I love her? Does she know that she was my world, my everything? She reaches for my hand but I can't hold back anymore. I fall in her arms sobbing, closing my eyes as tight as possible. I don't want to face reality, I don't want to leave her. She embraces me and lets me give myself over to tears.

 

"Sunny..." she matters my name soothingly trying to calm me down. "Sunny... Sunny!" No, wait that isn't her voice 

 

"Sunny, wake up!" my mother's voice echoes through the room. I slowly open my eyes and see the white ceiling above me. I turn to look at my mother looking at me from the door and I feel my pillow wet. I was crying again. My mother doesn't notice but instead she urges me to hurry up and get ready. My train is leaving in two hours. She leaves without waiting for an answer, leaving me alone to deal with my grief. 

 

I carefully get up, wiping away a few tears still running down my face. It's been years since I last cried for her, since I dreamed about our break up. I last saw her more than seven years ago, during a meteor shower. 

 

I shake my head trying to clear my thoughts. There is no use living in the past. I have to focus on the things ahead of me, like the big job interview I have. If I am lucky enough I can get a job I hadn't dared to dream about when I first started university. I quickly gather my things into my suitcase, leaving a change of clothes outside to wear. When I am finally ready, I look around me taking in the sight of my bedroom for the last time. No matter what happens today I'm not coming back. Even if I don't get the job I will stay in the city to look for another. 

 

The dream is still lingering in the back of my mind as I kiss my family goodbye. Once again I try to find somebody to blame for our break-up but I know it's nobody's fault - not my parents', not mine, not hers. It just happened. 

 

I need to blame somebody though, so like I have done many times before, I blame the sky. 

 

I blame the sky because when it gets dark my mind gets stuck to her image again. I tried to forget, I really did, but I guess our love was too strong for that. For many months after we separated, every time I closed my eyes I could see her beautiful eyes, her fingers reaching for mine, her hair shining under the bright sun. 

 

Even though with time I dreamt of her less, there are still nights that I wake up expecting to see her next to me, pouting because I fell asleep while she was playing her guitar. I wonder, has she changed? I know I did but what about her? Is she still smiling?

 

I board the train and search for an empty seat. In reality I'm searching every face I see but none belongs to her. I didn't have any hopes but I still feel a small pain in my heart when I finally sit.

 

I search for my ipod. When I find it I press play letting the music fill my ears, consume me, take me away. I hum softly remembering every time that she asked me to sing while she played. 

 

I feel somebody tap my shoulder; I open my eyes and see the man sitting across from me giving me a disapproving look. I quickly apologise and promise to keep quiet. I put my ipod back in the bag; there is no point in listening to music if I can't sing along.

 

I lean my head on the window and gaze at the scenery. I look to the sky searching for her but to no avail.

 

I blame the sky because it can't tell me where to find her even though I know it can see her. The sky is always watching her, even when she is walking among the lemon trees, even when she is reading her books by her window. If only the sky could answer my questions, tell me where she is wondering, if she is lying in somebody else's arms. But the sky is silent again today.

 

Before I realize it I'm zoning out, my mind travelling miles away, through memories and fantasies and what-ifs. 

 

The journey is long; I've never been so far away from my family. My heart welcomes the thrill of the adventure, wishing for a distraction from the sorrow that's been eating it away for years. As the first buildings appear at the horizon I can feel it beating faster. A new life is waiting for me at the next stop. 

 

The train stop is much bigger than the one in my hometown; there are hundreds of people walking by in a hurry without sparing me a second glance. I feel alone despite being in the middle of a crowd, but I won't let the city intimidate me.

 

The moment I step outside the station and into the busy streets I feel overwhelmed. There are so many noises, so many things to see. I get in the first taxi I find and give the address of the apartment I will be staying at from now on. While we are driving through the streets I take in the new environment. There aren't many trees along the roads like in my town. It's already autumn, so the few that I can see are bare from leaves. 

 

It was autumn back then too. Back when I last saw her. When summer left, it took everything away with it, our unfinished words in the wind and our trembling oaths under the bright sun. It took everything away, even me. 

 

I blame the sky because it's not wide enough for both of us. In the end, we couldn't last for more than a few months. I couldn't stay behind and she couldn't leave her family. We were young, innocent, naive. The fairytale we wanted to live didn't have a happy end. Now, all hope is lost when we are so far away that it doesn't matter if it's an ocean separating us or just half a country.

 

My new apartment is not very big and it's empty, but I will find a way to make it feel like home. Maybe buying a few flowers or paintings. Surely after I finish unpacking it will look more comfortable. I'll get used to it with time, I'll get used to coming back here to rest, eat and sleep but will that really make it a home?

 

Home was back with my family because I was with people who loved me and cared about me, because all of my memories where made there.

 

It felt like home with Taeyeon too because she knew me better than anybody else, because I couldn't live without her. I thought I would die after I left her but somehow I managed to survive. My heart was empty and my tears never stopped but I managed to push her in the back of my mind. I went back to my life. 

 

I start unpacking, more because I need something to keep me busy. I am almost finished when I find an old paper in one of the boxes. I have this for seven years now. It's almost torn from all the times I've folded it and unfolded it. The times I was close to sending it are as many as the times I almost threw it away. But in the end it stayed hidden in my diary with so many other stuff, hidden away because I am the only one who should see it, the only one who knows all the things I wanted to write so many years ago. 

 

Even now it's empty, I never wrote anything on it. I keep it for the memory it carries. A piece of paper I took from Taeyeon's notebook before I left. It's pretty, green with a floral pattern and a couple of daisies in the corner. It's a thing Taeyeon would have. For me it's an empty note I've set aside for everything I didn't have time to say. 

 

I blame the sky because it can't carry it to her. I remember all the times I wrote things on it and then erased them because they couldn't convey my feelings properly, so many that I almost made a hole in the far left side of it. 

 

I hesitate for a second. I can throw it away. I can finally take the last step and continue my life. But the memory of her touch is still fresh in my mind even after seven years, so instead I put it back in my diary and hide it behind my books. There it will be safe, ready for when the time comes for me to either say goodbye or ask for a second chance.  But until then, it will stay somewhere nobody will find it. 

 

My interview is not until tomorrow evening, which means I have enough time to look around the neighborhood. I grab my jacket and leave right away. All the memories that don't belong in my new apartment and yet seem to fill it suffocate me. 

 

I let the cold wind brush against my skin and calm me down. I walk around aimlessly in circles for a couple of hours. By the time I reach the convenience store at the end of the road for the fourth time I can feel a few drops hitting my face. It's about to rain but I am not in a hurry. I slowly make my way back to my building as the rain gets heavier with every step. 

 

I blame the sky because the rain can't hide my tears. I don't have a place to go, not as long as I am alone. Every road I take always leads back to her. I keep wondering in the rain feeling empty inside, the agony is crushing me.

 

As long as I was with my family it was easier not to think about her. Being with them kept me busy, kept my mind focused on other things. Now that I face these nights of loneliness my thoughts get stuck to her. No matter how much I try to push the memories away, it's too hard for me to do it. 

 

Still crying, I raise my face and look at the stars above me, shining so beautifully. There are no falling stars tonight, at least that little detail is not like the day we met - or the day we parted. 

 

I blame the sky because we are looking at the same stars but we can't see each other. Taeyeon loved the stars, she loved them so much that she had a dozen of books on astronomy in her room. She could easily name all the constellations in the sky. We spent endless nights lying on the grass trying to connect them like tiny dots and create a picture that only the two of us would know. Another unfinished story of us. Taeyeon was never happy with what we came up with, they were never perfect enough for her. 

 

Another unfinished story of us, like so many other pieces of our lives frozen forever in pictures, now scattered on my bedroom floor. I break into a run. When I get back to my apartment I collapse sobbing on my bed until finally my eyelids start to feel heavy. I fall asleep wishing I'll dream of her again. That's my only chance to see her. 

 

The next morning I wake up feeling more tired than when I fell asleep. I didn't sleep well and my dreams were less than sweet. But I can't afford to sulk and mope around the house. I take a quick shower, change clothes and leave with a piece of toast still in hand. I take a taxi and head to my interview. 

 

As I am waiting with the other candidates I look around me nervously. Most of them are older than me and all look much more experienced and confident. I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat. I can do this, I am good at what I do, I can beat all of them. 

 

After three hours only half of us are left. The secretary comes in and announces that we will be taking a break for about thirty minutes. I am a little bit annoyed that they didn't have specific appointments for each candidate instead of calling us all at the same time and making us wait outside for hours but now I have no choice but to do as I am told. I ask her if there is any coffee shop around here to get something to eat and she gladly gives me directions. 

 

When I arrive I find out that it is more of a patisserie than a coffee shop. Doesn't matter, the sweets in the display look delicious. I open the door feeling my mouth water as the lovely scent of chocolate and sugar reaches me. The first thing I notice is the many different kind of cakes displayed and the glass cases that contain muffins and cookies of all flavours. Then I see spilled sugar behind the counter and somebody leaning over it to clean it up. I am hungry and seeing how apparently she is the only employee I offer to give her a hand. 

 

She turns around to reject my offer and thank me for my interest but her words freeze before they leave .

 

Just like that, all the emotions I had been trying to fight flooded my body and made my heart flutter and beat like an unwound band. Everything because of her, the love of my life, my Taeyeon. I don't know what she is doing here, I don't care to ask. All I can do is keep myself from fainting as we lock gazes. 

 

"I love you" is the first thing that comes to mind but the words never escape my mouth. So many words cross my mind. Finally everything I was trying for years to write, the perfect sentences, the perfect expressions are so easy to think of. 

 

Did you know? I breathe because you loved me, I sing because you embraced me. The fact that I am as beautiful as a lily is because you stole my kiss under the stars. Even if everything was taken away by the summer my heart never left you. I have for you a letter I never wrote, but you don't really want it now, do you? Not now that we finally meet again. 

 

Do you still love me? Were you thinking of me all this time? Do we have a chance?

 

Everything I want to say and everything I want to ask are on the tip of my tongue but I don't have to tell you anymore because your smile gives me all the answers I was looking for. I finally feel at home, like I really belong in this city. 

 

Your shy smile makes me almost forget how to breathe. You cut your hair short but they suit you. Have you gotten taller too?

 

"I love you" it's her voice that breaks our silence. Now I have no choice, right? Because I love you too.

 

 I blame the sky because it can't make this moment last forever.