Even if it had been a while since we had spoken to each other, I see him every day – hear his voice almost everyday. It was quite impossible for me not to considering how every possible inch of this city – any city – was plastered with his face, the radio filled with his soothing voice; he was everywhere. There was just no way for me to escape him, unfortunately.

 

I looked at him through the television; studying him intently, the others around him were momentarily of no relevance to me. I noticed little details and new features about him, feeling my heart slightly palpitate. He was always the daring type; someone who loved to try new things and push his limits. His hair was always the one thing about him that was constantly changing, but one thing that was and is still constant about him is his way of expressing himself. 

 

His face had slimmed down just like his body. His hair on the one side framed his face so that it seemed as if his face was actually chubbier than it was. But remembering him months ago, he was a little chubbier.  I could see that in the show, s and the hosts were making him laugh. That smile that I remember, his gummy toothy smile that made my stomach flutter was back. It was that sincere smile and laugh that I hadn’t seen in so long. It made my heart ache seeing him smile like that again – not from sadness but from genuine happiness.

 

I clicked the remote and the television before me turned black, leaving me to stare at my own reflection; leaving me to look at what I’ve become. I gazed at the person looking back at me and I couldn’t even recognize my own self. Not a trace of life in my eyes, an honest smile never once appearing upon my lips. I didn’t realize it until moments ago how much I haven’t let go, still dwelling on what had been, what was and what I – we had.

 

I heaved a heavy sigh and stood up. I wonder if he’ll remember me or even recognize me. Although I haven’t gone a day without seeing him, hearing his voice, he on the other hand hasn’t heard from me since that day. He had the advantage and upper hand of being able to forget, move on. I wonder if he even knows that I’ve returned, or if he even cares for that matter.

 

Before I could go any deeper into my own thoughts, a voice called out to me. I turned around and looked at my best friend who stood before me and nodded once. She looked at me worriedly, asking me if I was okay. All I could muster was a one word response, not convincing her at all. Despite her hesitance, she just left it at that and we both headed out the door.

 

The car ride was a long one, yet it felt like we were travelling at the speed of light. We were already halfway there and I could feel my heart thumping vigorously against my chest. I didn’t know how I would be able to handle seeing him again – seeing them again. It had been so long and I could suddenly feel myself becoming smaller. Soon, the car stopped in front of the oh-so familiar building. 

 

“Are you ready?” she asked me, causing me to look back at her, showing my scared eyes. I saw her give me a comforting smile before gently placing her hands on the back of my head. “It’s going to be fine.” 

 

I swallowed the lump that had grown in my throat with much difficulty. We stepped into the building, the array of posters of their artists greeting you. One particular poster always took my breath; the blonde haired person in the middle was the cause of my speechlessness. Ripping my eyes away from the poster we headed towards the elevator, going up to the floor of people anticipating my arrival. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my palms of my hands getting clammy from balling them into a fist. I watched as the numbers on top slowly reach our destined floor. Taking in a long deep breath and exhaling, I tried to calm myself down before the ding of the elevator.

 

As the doors slid open, I could feel my knees go weak, wanting to give up beneath me. My best friend held her hand out in front of the door, looking at me. I looked at her worriedly as I slowly walked out of the elevator. 

 

“I-I don’t think –“ my voice cracked.

 

“Whatever you’re afraid of, your break up or him –” her voice taking control of my emotions “—it’s nothing compared to what you went through, what you struggled through on  your own,” she looked at me with that comforting smile as she put her hands on my shoulders. She always had that calming effect on me, like a mother telling her child that everything was going to be alright. “You’re stronger and braver than you think.”

 

I smiled back at her, a genuine smile. “Thank you,” I quietly said, looking down to the ground.

 

“C’mon. Let’s go,” she said, grabbing my hand and leading me to that room full of people. She looked back at me as she put her hands on the doorknob. “Are you ready?” she asked me the second time that day.

 

Nodding, she opened the door and I was then in front of a crowd of people, yelling all sorts of things from “Congratulations” to “Welcome Back”. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel overwhelmed by the amount of people greeting me, but seeing many familiar faces made me happy; happy that I got to see them once again.

 

I was hugged and bowed to by everyone in the room from the coordinators, to the dancers I danced with before to the managers. It seemed like everyone here knew of me, even if I didn’t really know them all that well. I guess being related to the President, these things go around. But as I looked around, there were a couple people missing. I didn’t know whether or not to feel relieved or saddened by their absence.

 

I was just about done with everyone when I felt a small hug from behind me followed by a soft low voice, “Unnie, we missed you!” I couldn’t help but smile as I turn around.

 

“I missed you guys too!” I said as the three other girls crowded around me in a group hug. At that moment, I couldn’t help but feel loved and support from every where around me. It was then I realized that the fear I had was silly. Just when I started to comfortably talk to the four girls that I missed, I sense more people filing into the room.

 

I turned around to find the group of boys whose arrival I was anticipating. Just like that, my fear and worries came back, tenfold. I saw him looking around, as if searching for me. Once he turned his head, his eyes met mine and I swear my heart stopped at that moment. The look I saw on his face, it was something couldn’t describe. His expression may have looked like a poker face to anyone, but I saw the disappointment and sadness in his eyes. After what seemed like eternity, he tore his gaze away from me and talked to someone else.

 

I felt my heart squeeze. I was feeling weak once again, my stare lingering on him. My eyes were then drawn away when someone approached me. I smiled at the man whose ever so familiar Mohawk adding a few more inches to his height. He smiled and so did his eyes and I couldn’t help but feel the corners of my mouth tugging. He gave me a light hug before telling me that he was glad to see me again. I said the same to him and to the tall handsome man, the smiling angel and energetic boy who greeted me with a tight hug. It was real nice to be able to see everyone like this again. 

 

Well, close to everyone.

 

I looked around while everyone talked amongst themselves, searching for any sign of him. When I found him no where in the room, I excused myself, wanting to get some air. I walked to the elevator, pressing the button to go up. I sighed in relief, escaping the noise that was inside that cramped up room. Once the small bell dinged indicating that the elevator reached the floor, my feet just lead me straight to the roof. Right when I opened the door, I saw him standing there, hands in his pockets looking towards the setting sun.

 

I could feel my heart beat against my chest, hearing the ringing of blood rushing through my ears. I didn’t know if I should just turn around and leave or approach him. And the coward I was, I my heel, heading back towards the staircase.

 

“So, you’re just going to leave without a word again?” I heard his soft voice once again. I gripped my hands around the rectangular shaped door knob. I can feel his intimidating aura around us and I couldn’t just leave then. I’m stronger than this. I turned around to find his back still towards me and I slowly made my way towards him. Standing right in front of him, I saw his eyes flicker down to look at me.

 

“I only left because I didn’t want it to affect you,” I looked him in the eyes.

 

“And you think your departure and the way you left me didn’t have any bigger impact?” I could see the anger and hurt in his expression.

 

I looked down at the ground, not knowing what else to say. I racked my brain for something – anything to explain to him that what I did was for his own good. I wanted him to hate me, to forget about me. I was dying and I didn’t want whatever relationship we had to take a toll on him.

 

I could feel the tears seething through my eyes, begging to come down, but I held them in. I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. That’s when I felt his warm arms around me, his embrace that I’ve been longing for months. That’s when they all came out, my tears that I’ve held in since I left him.

 

“Why didn’t you just let me love you with everything I had?” his voice cracked, knowing he was trying to keep himself from crying.

 

“I-I – you were already going through so much with Daesung a-and what happened in Japan. I-I didn’t want –“

 

“So you just disappeared? Without a trace? Not even leaving me any evidence of your existence!” he gripped onto my shoulders. I could see the tears in his eyes slowly fall on his cheeks.

 

My lips trembled as I saw his tears, making more of my own, “I thought that by breaking up with you, you would be able to gain more than having known that I died.”

 

“Gain what? A song?” he spat out. “I don’t care about making hit songs! Don’t you think that I care about you more?” he then shoved me into his chest, hugging me tightly. “You don’t know how glad I am that you’re not actually gone; that I can have you in my arms again.”

 

Slowly lifting my arms up to hug him, I balled his expensive shirt in my hands. “I’m sorry, Jiyong. I’m so sorry.” Burying my face deeper into his chest, my tears continued to fall.

 

“Now it really feels like I’ve loved you till death,” he whispered.

 

-

 

A/N: This didn't turn out how exactly what I'd like it to be but I guess it's good enough. Constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged ^^