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 "SHUT UP YOU LYING !!" My mother yells slapping me across my shallow face. "I'M NOT LYING YOU !!" I yell back at her. "I've never cheated on my husband! So stop lying!" She states. "I'VE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH!! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO WITH IT!!" I yell running out of the apartment. I run down to the park that is one of my normal haunts, even if I can't love children. I sit on one of the swings and start swinging slowly. Yes, it's cliche. No, I don't care. I'll swing however fast or high I want to! Suddenly a hand is on my back and I feel myself being pushed on the swing. I dig my feet into the ground and jump off the swing. I turn around and see my boyfriend smiling sweetly at me. "TOP! How'd you find me here?" I ask. "Well it was either here or the diner down the street and I just came from there." He replies. I walk over to him and hug his arm. "How do you always know when I need you?" I ask. "Because our brains are connected." He laughs in his deep voice. 

 "So what happened this time?" He asks swinging next to me. "Same as last time. I try to tell, she punishes me, I run out, and they're probably fighting again. Because of me." I mutter intertwining our pinkies. I feel ashamed of my severely bitten nail. "I'd rather be fighting with my husband than having to keep hiding. At least it's not completely hidden." Top says. "You scared me last time when you just disappeared." I tell him. "Such a subject change, but I'm sorry about last time. G-dragon needed me and I can't just run into the girl's bathroom to tell you. I knew you would be okay on your own and just go home." Top says. "I did. I called you and then went home." I say. "I know." He says. "Well, it's just another day." I say standing up and stretching as my black hair whips around. "We should head home." Top states. "Sure." I say grabbing his arm in my bony one again. He leads me home. Luckily he lives in the apartment next to ours. I open the door and step inside. "So anyway, I'm going in." I say smiling. "You do that babe." He says.

 I go inside and lock the door. I make a beeline for my room and lock myself inside. I flop on my unmade bed. I hear knocking and lift my head. It's not coming from my door. I walk over to my window. Top is grinning outside on the lawn. I open my window and lean out. Good thing we're on the first floor. "What are you doing?" I ask. "I forgot to tell you something." He says a stray lock of my hair. "What is it?" I ask as I stare into is beautiful brown eyes with my plain grey ones. "Lean down. It's a secret." He says. I do and he grabs the back of my head. He pushes his soft lips to my chapped ones. I savor our moment together before he pulls away. "I love you. That's the secret." He says. I giggle foolishly and playfully push him. "I'm going now." He says. "Okay. Night." "Good night, princess." He says running over to his apartment door. I close my window and lay down on my bed. I fall asleep quickly.

 The sunshine pours in my window and wakes me. I head to the shower and through my daily routine. I start running to school. God, my school needs to be closer. I hear someone running and getting closer to me. I turn my head to see. Top is running towards me, smiling. I stop and wait for him to catch up. He does but doesn't stop. Top grabs my wrist and pulls me along with him. Laughing, we make it to my school. He lets go of my hand at the gate and kisses my forehead. "I'll see you after work." He tells me. I nod and start walking in the gate. I turn around to see if he's gone yet, but he isn't. I awkwardly wave and he laughs at my awkwardness. I turn back around and run for the building. 

 Most of my classes are really annoying. They take so long to end. Finally at the end of the day, I have piano practice. One place where everything else goes away. I lose myself in the music, not even realizing if I play my fingers raw. All I have to do is put my fingers on the keys until I do it perfectly. Then I get a scholarship and leave this school. It's perfect I'll be out of my awful life soon. Then Top and I will be happy. I know it. 

 When the school is kicking everyone out, it's already dark. Top comes up behind me and walks home with me. He leaves me off at my apartment door. A sweet kiss goodbye and I have to go into my hell hole of a home. As the door creaks open I lower my head. Focus on the filth of the floor and keep walking. But the filth turns into shoes, motherly shoes, shoes blocking my way, shoes I don't want to see, angry shoes. "MeiXing, where have you been? Do you know what time it is?" She growls. I keep silently observing these shoes. "Mei, look at me. Are you okay? I think we should go see him again." The female says, a tinge of sympathy laced with a bit of apathy at the end. A hand touches my shoulder. Those shoes should keep their hands off of me. I knock it off and run around those angry shoes. I lock my room and put my pillow over my head to suppress the screams escaping my throat. 

 When I wake up all I see is white. The haunting white of the dead. The white I hate. I close my eyes to erase that gross, glossy, dry, dead white. "MeiXing. I know you're awake." That dry voice states. That dry voice that knows too much. Too much of me. He says many things I don't understand, but the only thing I think I understand is what he tells me to do is supposed to help me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but all these colorful pills are supposed to help it. We leave and after a week we come back. As he touches my knobby knees in his crisp white coat, he asks if I can feel it. I haven't felt anything except Top for the last seven days. I tell him but leave out Top. This voice shouldn't know about him. Every nerve in my body screams so. He smiles brightly and says something about stable. Are there horses around here? Why is he talking about stables?

 At school, Top meets me at lunch. The way he touches my cheek makes me feel. Feeling is good? I think it was. Somewhere, sometime, it was. He calls me perfect and I blush. "Perfection only exists as you. You are perfection." I whisper. He kisses me and the bell rings too soon. I'm not finished. I've finished my food. But my hunger is for something else. His perfection. I want to swallow it up. Engross myself in it while holding it in my palm. Loving it while hating it. It softly sustains my life as it slowly and painfully kills me. 

 After piano I continue my walk home, only my legs take me somewhere else. A mountain is in front of my eyes. It's so close to me that if I get any closer my eyelashes will brush it. When I reach for the mountain I feel only cold plastic. "It's a lovely poster, but not as good as real." Top's voice says. "It should be real. I need something wild." I say as I lean on his side. He puts his arm around my small frame. "I'll take you sometime. Soon." He promises. 

 We take the long way home and enjoy each other's company thoroughly. Even when words fail us we understand and when we have to say goodbye I feel lost again. The freezing loneliness envelops me and I drown in it's suffocating cold. I try to walk to my room, but those shoes are there once again. Those angry shoes, but they don't sound angry. The shoes sound happy. "MeiXing. We have company. It's going to be good." They laugh. Another pair of shoes joins the angry-now-happy shoes. When I look up at the new shoes's owner it's a face I don't know. "MeiXing. It's your childhood friend. It's Onew." My mother beams. I'm escorted into the dining room. In a rush of events I end up eating a meal with these happy people. What's wrong with them? Why are they so overly happy? A slice of pie appears on my plate. I mechanically pick up a fork and scoop it into my mouth. Sweet pie reminds me of my Top. It's sweet like him. "MeiXing, Onew wants to take you on a trip. To a mountain." My mother giggles. I catch Onew's brown, expectant eyes and when I scan the room, There are two more pairs of expectant eyes on me. I realize they want me to accept a trip to the mountain. I swallow my mouth's contents before talking. "I'm sorry, but Top said he'd-" "MeiXing! Go to your room." My mother commands through gritted teeth. I stand up and walk towards my cave. After I slam the door I hear nervous laugher, words of farewell, and, shortly after the front door closes, yelling. I drown them out once more. 

 In the morning I'm dragged out of my room and into the living room. "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM MEIXING?! REALLY?! DO YOU DO THIS TO PUNISH ME?! BECAUSE I THINK YOU'VE GIVEN ME ENOUGH TORTURE FOR MY NEXT THREE LIVES!! YOU PUT ME IN SO MUCH PAIN!" She yells. "Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?! The world that once had color fades to black and white. Do you know what it's like to die alive!? When tomorrow terrifies you but you'll die if you look back!? I know you don't know! You say that you're hurt but it doesn't show!" I retort. "But I am the one who loves you, the one who cares, the one who's helped you and if you think I don't give a damn, you don't know me! So help me! Tell me what you see! I love you as much as I can." She pleads. "You don't know at all!" I yell as I run out. 

 I wish I could fly and disappear. I would go so far away, Just fade away. My slept in clothes from yesterday will have to do for today. I'm not going to school. I'm going somewhere wild. Top will have to see it some other time unless we cross each other's path on my way there. I near the bus stop. I didn't bring change, or my card. Top comes out of a corner shop. I run to him and he catches me in his arms as I wrap my legs around his waist. Top kisses my ever thinning face and pets my hair. "Take me somewhere wild!" I cry into his shoulder. He carries me over to the stop. The bus never comes. Instead he takes me to his apartment instead. His apartment is dusty and the furniture is covered with sheets. "I'm painting." He whispers softly to me. "No white." I mumble as he brushes a tear from my face. I feel the adrenaline quickly seeping from my body and my tears have taken the last of my energy. "Sleep MeiXing, I'll stay by your side until the end of the world." He says. 

 In the morning I'm back in that dead white room. No, this is a new white room. Different. "MeiXing." A new cold voice. It knows less about me. Different. "Hello Kwon MeiXing, will you tell me? Tell me what happened?" He asks like he cares. Cares but still cold. Different. "I don't know." I say. Conversation. Different. "What happened three years ago?" He asks. "Top asked me to love him." I say. Telling all. Different. 

 "Do you love Top?"

"More than anything."

"How about your mom?"

"I hate her." 

"Why?" 

"She hates Top." 

"Why?"

"Because she says he's not worth a damn."

 Rapid fire questions. Writing on a clipboard. Escorted to an office with a child eating the cushions. A lollipop and Top walking me home. Gentle voices and a soft bed at home. The morning comes and brings with it the aches of walking. My mother feeds me breakfast and drives me somewhere. Back to the new white room. 

 "MeiXing, talk to me. What happened a year and a half ago?" He asks me.

"……..We were pregnant. Top's child. My child…… A gift."

"Keep going!"

"We loved the mountains. That one mountain….."

"What mountain?"

"….no….No!"

"Close your eyes. Explore yourself. Find the stories you have to tell."

"It was perfect."

"What was?" 

Catch-

No! This isn't happening! I'm dreaming! Save me!

 "…..I can't."

"Make up your mind that you're strong enough. Let the truth be revealed. At times it does hurt to be healed."

 Catch me. NO! Go away!

I'm falling. Leave me alone!!

I'm falling. Please just go!

Catch me, I'm falling. Faster than anyone should.

"Catch me, I'm falling." 

 Please hear me calling

 "Save me before it's too late."

 "Catch me, I'm falling for good."

 Black. All I see is black. I hear a steady beeping. It's a heart monitor. I'm in a hospital. I passed out. I can't. I'm broken. I'm not this strong! The doctors come in. Smile. Be safe. Be healthy. I get checked out with a clean bill of heath. I'm going to see my baby. I'm going to see Top. Right now. I can't wait anymore.