June 5

            I was lying in my bed and his face popped up in my head… ... This is not healthy. I know. I’m becoming so obsessive. His hair, his eyes, his everything. Everything about him is perfect. Perfection. When I think of that word… I think of not him, as strange as it may sound, I think of people in magazines. Why can’t I look like that? Why can’t I look that pretty? Why can’t I be like them? I wonder, am I the only one that feels like this? I felt a tear roll down my cheek. I felt the liquid slither down. As more tears rolled down memories of my childhood came rushing to me. I was back in middle school.

“Hey Chae Rin!! Come over here” I looked as my friend called out my name.

“What?” I looked around if the teacher was looking. She was grading some tests, maybe I can just sneak over to the window to where my friend was. I stood up out of my chair. I looked back to my teacher who was deep into grading papers.  I noticed I was staring at my teacher. I stopped and went back to the task at hand, getting over to my friend. I don’t really know what she was going to tell me but anything she said was just being absorbed by the wall because I wasn’t listening. That was the day I first saw it. His face. I couldn’t help but stare at his face. His strong features, his face… The way he held his bag. He looked like he just stepped out of a manga. He held his bag over his shoulder. Was he really 13 years old? What the hell? Here I am, ugly and chubby and he just comes up walking like a model. I started to feel hate. As I stood there for a good ten minutes, I saw more girls from my class looking out the window now. I was just looking at him and all of a sudden she came. Su Yeon was her name. She was so pretty. Her hair was pretty and her face looked just like Im Yoona’s from Girls’ Generation. She was a natural beauty alright. The longer I stared at her face the more I saw her rising interest. I looked back to the boy. Then I looked back at Su Yeon. They’re both so pretty. They looked perfect together. Now everyone was over by the window, looking at this boy, this beautiful boy. I stared along with them and that’s when it happened. Eye contact. It was instant and it was gone as fast as it started. He had such pretty eyes, a pair that can penetrate the soul. All of a sudden, I heard a girl talking.

“Girls, do you see her over there staring at the new kid? She better not stare at him any longer, she’s just setting herself up for heartbreak.” Were they talking about me?  I looked over and I saw Su Yeon looking at me. She had four other girls behind he and their stare bothered me. All of the girls were pretty, this I can’t deny. But their eyes, they were filled with not hate, but something else. It wasn’t as intense as hate but it wasn’t a nice stare either. I studied their stares a little longer and I found a word that fit their description. They were looking at me like they were my superiors. They were looking at me like I was a loser. They looked at me like I was a freak.

“Wh-What are you guys looking at ?” I asked them with a soft, wavering voice. I could feel myself turning red. Why did I have to say anything to them? Now I was trapped.

“No one. We were just looking at how desperate you looked for that new kid over there. I was just doing you a favor. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment when you know you don’t have a chance.”

“But…I wasn’t looking…I was..I” Su Yeon snorted. I felt like ice was breaking under me. I was standing on it for support but it was slowly cracking underneath me. The only thing I could do was stand still and hope for an opportunity to feel safe.

“Just stop. You’re not helping yourself. I’m not telling you what to do; I was just giving you a friendly piece of advice.” Su Yeon looked out the window one last time and left. I felt lonely. My friend was there but she was just like me, we were both weak. When all the girls went back to their chairs, I felt myself getting light headed. I felt like I wanted to cry.

That was all I remember from that day. I almost forgot how soft hearted I used to be. Now that I look back at it, I want to hit myself. Why didn’t I answer back? Why didn’t I say something to defend myself? Why did I just take it like a little . A spineless little . I wiped away my tears. Something like that was not worth crying over. I’m seventeen. High school is way different from middle school. We always saw the same faces every year. That was my only problem. I had no escape from anyone and I had to face my battles head on if I wanted to survive.

-Chae Rin