Baby I'm Sorry
How About We Share?
"Kikwang-ah!" My fist pounds on the door to our-his apartment. "Let me in!" No sound comes from inside. "Kikwang-ah, can you hear me?" I feel a hot tear run down the side of my face. Am I really crying? "I'm sorry." More silence. "Can you really not hear me?" Or are you just ignoring me? I want to add. I wouldn't blame him. All of a sudden, a wave of sleepiness overcomes me. Begging your ex-boyfriend to take you back isn't the best midnight activity. "No, I can't fall asleep now," I find myself saying as I knock on the door one more time before my hand and the rest of my body slides down the door and the world goes black. "Kikwang-ah. . ."
~~~
When I wake up, I am lying down on a couch. In front of me is a mug of hot chocolate set down on top of a familiar coffee table.
"How did I get here?" I sit up and find that the couch that I am sitting on is in fact the one that is in my - Kikwang's - apartment.
"Oh, you're awake." I turn around and see the man I had been looking for walking out of our - his kitchen with another steaming mug in his hand. Why do keep calling this place my own? I left weeks ago. . . But I still want it to be mine. "Are you okay?" I scoot over to edge of the couch when I see him approach me. I know I want him back, but for some reason, I don't feel too comfortable at the idea of sitting right next to him.
"Yeah, I guess." I turn my head away from him. No I'm not okay. I wasn't with you.
"I found you passed out in front of my apartment when I came back from the grocery," I hear him say. I wince at the mention of his apartment. "Did something happen?" I was away from you, that was what happened.
“No, I was just waiting for you outside of your apartment, when I fell asleep.” I struggle to put on a semblance of a smile before I face him. “Why were you at the grocery this late?” I try to laugh, but it comes out as an awkward, strangled yelp. If he notices, he doesn’t show it.
“Oh, I went to get some watermelon bars.” I finally notice the plastic convenience store bag in his lap.
“Watermelon bars? In winter? In the middle of the night?” I try to make it sound like he’s crazy, but I know why he bought them.
“Yeah, we used to eat them like that all the time.” Yeah, we used to. “You want one?” He takes one of the bar out of the bag and holds it out to me. My hand shakes slightly as I take it. I try not to touch his hand.
“S-sure.” It is silent as we both open the packaging and start eating our ice cream.
“So,” he starts after he takes a bite. “Why are you here?” He sounds curious, not intimidating. Not like he just found his ex passed out on his doorstep. Does he really not think that much of me anymore?
“I guess I just wanted to talk.” He feverishly devours his ice cream, and I take that as a cue to finally take a bite of mine. Just one bite, I want to talk. After one bite though, the bar hangs loosely in my hand. I don’t feel hungry. He notices me staring at him.
“Well,” I try not flinch at the smacking of his lips. He still talks with his food in his mouth. “Aren’t you going to talk?”
"Oh, right." I open my mouth to say something, but I can't find any words. He looks at me expectantly, waiting.
"Well?"
"Yes, well. . ." I finally find the right words. "I miss you, Kikwang-ah."
"Tch, really?" He spits a little as he scoffs, and a bit of the ice cream splashes on me. "You were the one who left." He carelessly chomps down on his ice cream. I unknowingly lean toward him.
"That doesn't mean I don't lo-" I catch myself and shrink back to my edge of the couch. "Miss you."
"What are you trying to say?" I meet his eyes briefly, but quickly look elsewhere when I the cold expression in his eyes.
"I want you back." I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. I curl up in a ball and turn around so that I'm only showing him my back. "I know it's late, but I've really been thinking about this."
"Oh, really?" He scoffs again. "Then why didn't you even call me all this time?"
"I didn't want to startle you." I find myself laughing, though I don't see any humor in my words.
"Startle me?" I can imagine his face twisting up like it always does when he is confused.
"Yes, startle you." I laugh a little more. "I know that I want you back. I want you to take me back." I pause. "But you don't have to. You obviously don't want to." I have found more words, but I can't control them. "I don't blame you. I must be a bad person. I've hurt you, but I still want you to be with me. I don't know. I was the one who left, why do I hurt more?" I face him once again after unconsciously turning back around. Big mistake. I can see him reclined, nonchalant and uncaring even though I am near tears. "I was the one who left. I was the one who was bad. You, you always loved me. Why am I hurt?" I feel warm tears streaming down my face. I quickly wipe them away on my jacket sleeve then turn forward so that Kikwang won't catch the brunt of the water works. "I'm so selfish! I might hurt you again, but I still want you back." My nose scrunches up when I sniffle. I wipe away another tear. "I know things can't go back to the way they were, but can we try again?" Because I can't live without you. “I know it’s probably useless to ask. You don’t seem to care anymore. But I still want you to love me.” Our gazes meet, and I find a softer expression than the one he wore before. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” I hold his stare this time, and he doesn’t back down.
“Why do you want me back?” He asks while his eyes dart over my face, searching for something. Sincerity, maybe? His question pulls me back and we break gazes.
“. . .A lot of reasons, I guess. The hot chocolate you used to make me,” I glance at the mug on the coffee table. I take another bite of my melting ice cream. “The ice cream. Eating ramyun from the same bowl.”
“You can do most of those things on your own, you know.” His voice is emotionless, but it’s not cold. Is that better?
“I want you back because of you, alright!” I yell, tears spilling out. “I miss you! I miss the way you held me, the way we talked, everything. I miss everything!” My hands go to my face and cover my redding eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kikwang-ah. I know I left but, I want you back. I’m sorry because I might hurt you again. But I don’t just want you, I need you.” My shoulders go up as I take in a deep breath through my nose and I rub at my eyes one more time. “Listen to me, I sound so weak, don’t I? But the funny thing is, I don’t mind. It’s the truth.” I pull me knees up to my chest. “You don’t have to take me back, just forgive me. But honestly, I can’t let go of you.” I just sit there, rocking back forth on the couch in a ball. I don’t expect an answer. All of a sudden, I feel a pair of warm arms wrap around me. “Kikwang-ah. . .” I look up to see him kneeling beside me.
“Babo,” he starts. His voice is warm, and he smiles his heart melting eye-smile. “You were gone for two weeks. If you left for two decades, I still wouldn't have been over you.”
“What do you mean?” The whole situation confuses me but I just press myself closer to his chest.
“I mean that you were the one who had to take me back. I never let go.” He chuckles, and I feel the vibrations from his chest. “I knew you were going to come back.”
“You. . . did?” My eyes widen.
“. . .No. But I wanted you to.” He my hair, and his fingers are warm against my scalp.
“So are we trying again?” I wind my arms around him tentatively, still afraid that he will pull away.
“Our first try hasn’t even ended yet.” I feel his lips press against the top of my head, and my arms tighten around him in response. “You’ve been a little dramatic lately, though. Are you on your period or something?”
“Oh, shut up!” I push him away, but regret when he gets up and starts walking away. “Wait, where are you going?”
“You didn’t just hear the timer go off?” His eyes are wide. “I making ramyun.”
“Do you have an extra for me?”
“How about we share?”
~~~
When I wake up, I am lying down on a couch. In front of me is a mug of hot chocolate set down on top of a familiar coffee table.
"How did I get here?" I sit up and find that the couch that I am sitting on is in fact the one that is in my - Kikwang's - apartment.
"Oh, you're awake." I turn around and see the man I had been looking for walking out of our - his kitchen with another steaming mug in his hand. Why do keep calling this place my own? I left weeks ago. . . But I still want it to be mine. "Are you okay?" I scoot over to edge of the couch when I see him approach me. I know I want him back, but for some reason, I don't feel too comfortable at the idea of sitting right next to him.
"Yeah, I guess." I turn my head away from him. No I'm not okay. I wasn't with you.
"I found you passed out in front of my apartment when I came back from the grocery," I hear him say. I wince at the mention of his apartment. "Did something happen?" I was away from you, that was what happened.
“No, I was just waiting for you outside of your apartment, when I fell asleep.” I struggle to put on a semblance of a smile before I face him. “Why were you at the grocery this late?” I try to laugh, but it comes out as an awkward, strangled yelp. If he notices, he doesn’t show it.
“Oh, I went to get some watermelon bars.” I finally notice the plastic convenience store bag in his lap.
“Watermelon bars? In winter? In the middle of the night?” I try to make it sound like he’s crazy, but I know why he bought them.
“Yeah, we used to eat them like that all the time.” Yeah, we used to. “You want one?” He takes one of the bar out of the bag and holds it out to me. My hand shakes slightly as I take it. I try not to touch his hand.
“S-sure.” It is silent as we both open the packaging and start eating our ice cream.
“So,” he starts after he takes a bite. “Why are you here?” He sounds curious, not intimidating. Not like he just found his ex passed out on his doorstep. Does he really not think that much of me anymore?
“I guess I just wanted to talk.” He feverishly devours his ice cream, and I take that as a cue to finally take a bite of mine. Just one bite, I want to talk. After one bite though, the bar hangs loosely in my hand. I don’t feel hungry. He notices me staring at him.
“Well,” I try not flinch at the smacking of his lips. He still talks with his food in his mouth. “Aren’t you going to talk?”
"Oh, right." I open my mouth to say something, but I can't find any words. He looks at me expectantly, waiting.
"Well?"
"Yes, well. . ." I finally find the right words. "I miss you, Kikwang-ah."
"Tch, really?" He spits a little as he scoffs, and a bit of the ice cream splashes on me. "You were the one who left." He carelessly chomps down on his ice cream. I unknowingly lean toward him.
"That doesn't mean I don't lo-" I catch myself and shrink back to my edge of the couch. "Miss you."
"What are you trying to say?" I meet his eyes briefly, but quickly look elsewhere when I the cold expression in his eyes.
"I want you back." I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding in. I curl up in a ball and turn around so that I'm only showing him my back. "I know it's late, but I've really been thinking about this."
"Oh, really?" He scoffs again. "Then why didn't you even call me all this time?"
"I didn't want to startle you." I find myself laughing, though I don't see any humor in my words.
"Startle me?" I can imagine his face twisting up like it always does when he is confused.
"Yes, startle you." I laugh a little more. "I know that I want you back. I want you to take me back." I pause. "But you don't have to. You obviously don't want to." I have found more words, but I can't control them. "I don't blame you. I must be a bad person. I've hurt you, but I still want you to be with me. I don't know. I was the one who left, why do I hurt more?" I face him once again after unconsciously turning back around. Big mistake. I can see him reclined, nonchalant and uncaring even though I am near tears. "I was the one who left. I was the one who was bad. You, you always loved me. Why am I hurt?" I feel warm tears streaming down my face. I quickly wipe them away on my jacket sleeve then turn forward so that Kikwang won't catch the brunt of the water works. "I'm so selfish! I might hurt you again, but I still want you back." My nose scrunches up when I sniffle. I wipe away another tear. "I know things can't go back to the way they were, but can we try again?" Because I can't live without you. “I know it’s probably useless to ask. You don’t seem to care anymore. But I still want you to love me.” Our gazes meet, and I find a softer expression than the one he wore before. “Why aren’t you saying anything?” I hold his stare this time, and he doesn’t back down.
“Why do you want me back?” He asks while his eyes dart over my face, searching for something. Sincerity, maybe? His question pulls me back and we break gazes.
“. . .A lot of reasons, I guess. The hot chocolate you used to make me,” I glance at the mug on the coffee table. I take another bite of my melting ice cream. “The ice cream. Eating ramyun from the same bowl.”
“You can do most of those things on your own, you know.” His voice is emotionless, but it’s not cold. Is that better?
“I want you back because of you, alright!” I yell, tears spilling out. “I miss you! I miss the way you held me, the way we talked, everything. I miss everything!” My hands go to my face and cover my redding eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kikwang-ah. I know I left but, I want you back. I’m sorry because I might hurt you again. But I don’t just want you, I need you.” My shoulders go up as I take in a deep breath through my nose and I rub at my eyes one more time. “Listen to me, I sound so weak, don’t I? But the funny thing is, I don’t mind. It’s the truth.” I pull me knees up to my chest. “You don’t have to take me back, just forgive me. But honestly, I can’t let go of you.” I just sit there, rocking back forth on the couch in a ball. I don’t expect an answer. All of a sudden, I feel a pair of warm arms wrap around me. “Kikwang-ah. . .” I look up to see him kneeling beside me.
“Babo,” he starts. His voice is warm, and he smiles his heart melting eye-smile. “You were gone for two weeks. If you left for two decades, I still wouldn't have been over you.”
“What do you mean?” The whole situation confuses me but I just press myself closer to his chest.
“I mean that you were the one who had to take me back. I never let go.” He chuckles, and I feel the vibrations from his chest. “I knew you were going to come back.”
“You. . . did?” My eyes widen.
“. . .No. But I wanted you to.” He my hair, and his fingers are warm against my scalp.
“So are we trying again?” I wind my arms around him tentatively, still afraid that he will pull away.
“Our first try hasn’t even ended yet.” I feel his lips press against the top of my head, and my arms tighten around him in response. “You’ve been a little dramatic lately, though. Are you on your period or something?”
“Oh, shut up!” I push him away, but regret when he gets up and starts walking away. “Wait, where are you going?”
“You didn’t just hear the timer go off?” His eyes are wide. “I making ramyun.”
“Do you have an extra for me?”
“How about we share?”
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