It had been five years. Five years ever since I woke up from the black hole that swallowed my entire being like how autumn slowly drifted inevitably towards winter.

I remembered how empty it felt to be in that state. The meaningless feeling where in you would welcome nothing but death in your doorstep as the numbness crawled on your skin while eating away other emotions except for pain and emptiness. I had been like that for an entire year.

A year of lost sanity.

I was 18 by then when my mom left our family and asked my dad for divorce which he hesitantly gave. It broke my heart because I saw his once unconditional, selfless heart crack. But why didn’t he fight for her? Why didn’t he try to save their once-perfect-marriage? Why didn’t he try fighting for me? You might be asking me why I am not blaming my mother in this, it’s because it wasn’t her fault that she fell out of love.

Destiny was at fault. It was destiny’s miscalculation that my mom and dad met and had me.

I hated my dad for that. For not acting selfish and instead, let my mom go.

Five months later, a best friend died. Whatever left of my already broken heart was instantly gone. Those pieces I tried sewing back together simply disappeared from my grasps. That’s where I felt the strands of my sanity loose.

 Then slowly, I let it go.

I left home. I used all of my savings to hop from one bar to another, from one hotel room to another or when I got tough luck, I knocked out on the streets. I met a guy, got into drugs with him. He offered temporary promises of bliss and literal madness. I was too much blinded you see. But it wasn’t his fault; I could have refused him and continued on my solitary travel.

Yes, crazy as it seemed but I found my refuge there. Just letting it go and let the tidal of excruciating pain and never-ending numbness pull me along.

I turned 19 in the streets, homeless with only a stick of cigarette, some weed and a bottle of beer. That was the time where the guy I thought would somehow ease my permanent pain laid a hand on me. That’s where I found out that I was doing the biggest mistake of my life.

However, I didn’t know that to find my salvation, I had to see the darkness which I unfortunately witnessed in the hardest, most complicated way. I was broken, you see, body, mind, heart—soul. I was young and careless.

That’s where my cousin and his girl found me, bloody, drunk and broken. How depressing could I be? I was drained of all emotions except of that emptiness that kept on holding my heart in its cold, skeletal hand.

You might be asking where I am now, if ever I descend back to that -hole I buried myself into. Well here I am now, standing tall and proud. The bruises, alcohol and smoke were long gone. I regained my heart with the help of the people around me. Or in more specific sense, with the help of that person who studied Moral Theology. My cousin brought that person to me for counseling once I got discharge from the hospital with everything except my soul intact.

I must admit I was one nut to crack. It wasn’t easy—it took us exactly six months to revive my dying soul. I confess, I never felt so alive. So alive that I never saw another, strange emotion came into me. What I felt started to grow. It grew so much that I couldn’t actually feel nor remember how I was when I was astray. It suddenly vanished.

Love. Yes, I guess I call it that. Love.

Six months suddenly grew into a year and I’m better. However, I never expected that love could also force you to succumb into its command to let the person you love free. You see, the person who opened my eyes and took my heart out of its rotting casket was already committed. I knew I would never be compared to that someone, because I also let the person invade me, see my soul and allow the both of them treat and heal my heart.

He was committed to God and somehow you could call him a priest-in-waiting.

“Chae?” I know that voice “Chae, we need you to say an opening message before we open your art exhibit.” Bom, my cousin’s girl said as she approached me in my position in the balcony. I only gave a big sigh and whispered into the air, I wish you’re here. At least see how good I am now.

I only nodded to my future-cousin-in-law as she proceeded to head back to the venue to entertain the guests. This is me now. An artist. A much better person.

I looked into my hand and I smiled. It seemed I didn’t notice I was holding unto his gift again. He told me that God doesn’t have favorites and that He was always there listening. I never knew I believed him so much that I would actual be as devoted to the church as I am now.

You know that feeling when you actually found the person you are willing to spend the rest of your life with only then realizing that he was never meant for you in the first place? I’m afraid so. Because I already found that person who made my dying heart skipped beats but then…

Yes. But then, destiny was playing with me again. Or maybe another miscalculation on destiny’s part? Was it fun watching Lee Chaerin’s life go back and forth?

No. I will not succumb back to that black hole where Kwon Jiyong picked me up. And for the third time that night, I gave out a labored sigh. It was my time. My biggest break. I just had to smile because I know that somewhere in this world, he was praying for me. Praying that I would always have the will to step forward into my life and fight back the demons that would trip and drag me down.

This is for him. My beloved, Jingyo.