He is still here. He is still here.

I mean, why wouldn’t he be? Why would I still feel his presence if he wasn’t? Because I do, I really do feel it. All the time I’m feeling the tall, safe figure somewhere around me. Someone who never let me get hurt. Someone who promised to protect me.

Yeah, he promised. And he never, ever breaks those promises.

People say that he always was a bit reckless. I honestly don’t understand why they’re talking about it so much now, because hey, isn’t it a truism? He’s a person who loves adventures. He’s not afraid. He has his head up high, accepting everything life offers for him and doing the best he can. And it’s enough, it’s always enough.

They say that I’m losing my mind.

Nowadays Onew, Key and Taemin have taken to sleep together. We have two mattresses on the floor, and there they fall asleep, side to side each other.

But what is present? What is past? It seems that I can’t tell the difference anymore.

Why are two mattresses enough? How is there room for all of us? He’s such a tall and muscular creature, how could he fit there?

He doesn’t. Why isn’t he there, sleeping with us like he should? Why isn’t he where he belongs?

But I’ve noticed… I can’t sleep there. I just can’t. I wait until the breath of Key, who’s snuggled to me, is steady, and then I get up. When the room is silent and the last sobs for that night have died, I carefully sneak out of the room. I can’t understand why the last voices of our nights are always sobs. The worst thing is that I can do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don’t see the reason why they’re crying, and no one consents to tell me. How could I help?

When I close the door of our room silently, I go to the rooftop. Somehow, it feels like I can breathe there. I feel him even closer.

“Jonghyun… Why are you here?”

Oh. I failed. Key woke up.

“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t answer my question…” he says with a sigh.

“I don’t… I don’t actually know. I just feel better here”, I say with a frown. Now when I think about it, I really don’t know.

“Yeah, I think I understand you. I feel the same… These are rough times.”

“What do you mean?”

Key turns around and looks at me properly. I meet his gaze.

What is this?

“Jonghyun, he is dead. Minho is dead.”

I just look at him. I don’t answer.

Because it’s this feeling again. It’s a feeling tearing my chest. It hurts, a lot. Why is this?

“Hey, do you believe in God?” Key throws a very unexpected question. I never thought that he would be a person thinking things like these.

“I… can’t right tell what I believe in. But I know that there’s something. Something that never really left.”

Key hums in acceptance. “Look at those stars. I think they’re all Gods.”

I look at sky where he points.

“See, that big one there? I think that looks familiar and beautiful. It’s him. Minho is there, sitting on a place of God.”

“So… he’s not gone? He didn’t leave us?”

“No, he didn’t.”

I feel a little, a bit ridiculous shred of hope.

“You think that he could hear us?”

Key looks at me again, a sad smile written on his face. I see those crystal tears running down his cheeks.

“Jjong, I don’t think he can. We speak a different language now. But he can feel us, I’m sure. Just the way we exist is buried deep in his heart.”

I look at the star a little longer. That is… that is Minho?

“He never left. He’s here.”

“You think you could sleep?” Key asks as he starts walking back in.

And yeah, for some time, I think I actually could sleep.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next day we are at SM Town’s office with our manager, talking to those big bosses.

There are many other people too, people who I know but just can’t recognize. They come and say me things I can’t understand.

“They can’t continue without him, you do understand that, right?” our manager says to those official-looking men we came to meet.

“Kibum can’t do all the rapping alone, and SHINee isn’t whole like this. It wouldn’t work out.”

I can see that Taemin, Key, Onew and our manager are all crying again. But I am not. I see no reason to cry.

“Yes, we understand. Originally, SHINee never was planned to be able to take such changes. We will give the official information.” Then they all stand up and bow. “Our deepest condolences.”

It’s not like the fans don’t already know, though. They do know, about the crashing plane and all those deaths of the other 50 people too. Every little detail.

It’s just that now he’s going to be announced dead. And then… he will be forgotten.

Suddenly I stand up from my seat.

“He’s still here”, I say and earn some weird looks. Yeah, they totally think that I’ve lost my mind. It’s only Key who looks me like he knows.

“Minho is up there.” I point to the sky. I can’t recall previous time I’ve said his name. Feels like it’s too dear to drop from my tongue.

Somehow, a smile forms to my lips.

“He hasn’t left”, I say and walk towards the door. I can hear someone else standing up too,  leaving with me.

I can see the fear of others. They’re afraid of this day. They’re all in black. But I’m not afraid.

When we get to the church, his family is there. His older brother, his parents. They come to hug us and say how sorry they are. I can’t say anything. It’s starting to feel more real now. Too real.

When the feel of his presence fades, there comes pain. But after the pain… is there anything left? Will I forget him?

No, I couldn’t forget him. Minho is the last person in the world who I could forget. He’s special.

We have too many memories.

Recollections fade into memories. Memories fade into remembrances.

But still, I feel those chains that connect us getting rusty from the waves of the ocean. Those same waves that took him away from me.

To me, Minho seemed like a person who’d never be beaten. There’s nothing he couldn’t take.

But eventually… there was.

That just makes me love him even more.

If the pain is going to be the only thing between me and him anymore, I will protect it. Oh, how would I never let him go if I just could not to. I would keep him forever.

I just… have a feeling that I have to. Soon.

I miss you too much.

When people are blessing his way to the stars, I stand up. I always sang to him when he asked.

He said he loved it. He said he loved me.

 So goodbye, don’t cry and smile

He said I was a hopeless romantic.

Those exhausted years

For the sake of you I will forget

But yeah, I am. And I’m proud of it!

So goodbye, don’t cry and smile

I’m proud of you, Minho.

I need you

I need your love again

I hear that the other three started singing too. They are singing with me, to him.

So goodbye, don’t cry and smile

Minho, I love you.

I’m not surprised when on the following night none of them goes to sleep, but they all come to the roof with me.

“You are leaving, aren’t you?”

It’s Taemin.

“Yeah”, I say. “I think that he deserves goodbyes from all of us.”

“You’re right”, Onew agrees. It sounds like it’s hard for him to speak.

A smile comes to my face again. “Look at him. His flaming charisma will never stop shining.”

“Where are you going?” Key asks

“I want to meet at least some of the families of those who died with him”, I answer. “The whole world has been crying because of him, but those people were hardly mentioned. I want to do something about it.”

“Hyung…” Taemin whispers, “please come back.”

I go to him and hug him. “Of course I will, Minnie. Minho would never forgive me if I left you.”

“He cared about you, Jonghyun. He loved all of us, but it’s you who he cared about.”

“I know”, I simply say.

It’s starting to get to small hours.

“But Key, I think you were wrong.” He raises his brows at this. “You said Minho is a star, but I don’t think he is. It would be too small. At night, he is the moon which shines the brightest. And now, when the moon is slowly fading away, he is the sun.”

“The flaming Minho”, Key says and manages to smile through his tears. He comes and wipes something from my cheek that I didn’t know was there.

The light is slowly spreading from the East. Minho is coming back. The whole world is shining, only for this little moment when he is here. I just never thought that the meaning of The SHINee World would be so cruel.

A/N: I posted two fics tonight. Woohoo! Okay, this one was originally written for my friend who loves JongHo, but she didn't want to read it when she heard that I happened to kill someone. Oh, the ungrateful punk! But even though I never read angst and this isn't my OTP and might seem a bit weird, I'm proud of this. It would have been waste not to publish!

You must recognize the song... :D Jonghyun's So Goodbye

Eleana