Chapter 1: Obsession

Today I woke up with pillows lightly soaked from my tears. I was probably crying about her again. She’s perfect. I want her so bad. But I have to remember; I can’t have her. I’ll never have her. I don’t deserve her at all.  I sighed with my eyes open from disappointment then closed my eyes deeply. Her face appeared. Exactly how she looked like yesterday. Her bright radiating smile flushed blushed cheeks and her brown, wavy locks. It didn’t help though; I just started tearing up again. But I smiled. She’ll never see me that way.

Almost 10 minutes have passed before I almost have a withdrawal-induced episode. Waking up naked sure is efficient because I can just wear my uniform and walk to school while eating a piece of buttered toast on the way. I always do that. Even in winter. But it’s hot today so it really helped.  The cool morning sunlight and the scenery are perfect. My surroundings are also helpful. I don’t have to think about her all the time when I’m basking on nature’s blessings. I’m a fast walker so I’m already halfway the route to school without anyone around me. I hate it when people walk along with me or people in general. I’m really picky on who I talk to and who I associate with. It’s not that I’m anti-social.I just don’t like people.

Then at the last stoplight, she was there.  The slight summer breeze made her hair flutter then she does that hand thing to keep her hair in place.  I’m too much of a coward so to stop myself from confessing and be rejected and have one of those episodes. Halfway across the road, she noticed me. She came running to me like she always does. “Hey Jaejae! Wait up!” She called. Then she does that other thing where she hugs my arm.  Then a teary smile made its way into my face. I had to turn my head away. I don’t want her to see me like this.  “How could you leave me like that? You’re so COLD!” She stared speaking. She always starts speaking whenever it’s the two of us. I replied with, “I-I didn’t notice you…” quietly, like how I normally do. I wanted to say something else.  Like, “I avoided you because I would feel the need to kiss you and hug you tightly. But I can’t do that. Since you only see me in that way…” or “I don’t deserve you and I’m trying to get over this stupid crush on you which is breaking me inside.”  Like I said, I’m a fucking pussy. She rambled on about what her other friends did and what her boyfriend did and why she’s pissed off.

Then she said something what she believes as “deep” As quoted she said:

“Look at the sky and the sun, it’s so bright right? But it’s cold. It’s really cold. This morning is kinda like you, Jaejae. It suits you so much. I like these types of mornings.”

I guess I blushed a tiny bit and replied “I guess so...” And then she rambled on. I replied with anything by rewording what she told me and nodded along. Up until she sees her other friends and joins them. That’s when I walk off while she’s side-tracked by them. I kind of feel like an asshole for leaving her, but I can’t put up with her friends.

Homeroom started then my daily school routine happened.

It was tedious.

I feel like killing myself.