I love her, she loves me. Our relationship is near to perfection. My mom and dad love her as much as they love me. They would even go and watch Ella perform on stage every time she has a concert. She is a member of a girl-group, S.H.E. Let me share that I am a member of a boy-band Fahrenheit, S.H.E’s counterpart. Back to my parents, they care for Ella so much. Every time Ella mentions to them about her concert, they would immediately ask for two VIP tickets. See? That’s how special Ella is for them. Everything is perfect, if only…

Our friends can prove how close Ella and I are. They would often tease us but end up failing because Ella gets mad easily. But don’t get her wrong. She isn’t a bad girl. She is a very understanding and adorable lady. Trust me. She just doesn’t want to bring up that topic. It hurts, it really does. But I don’t have a choice. I don’t want her to get mad. I want to see that curve on her lips almost every minute of her life. One of our friends, Calvin, who is my co-band member said, “You are really a good man, Chun. You always sacrifice your happiness for her.” I don’t actually sacrifice my happiness. When she’s happy, it makes me happy too! So I don’t get the point of sacrificing. I am doing this because I am her…

“Good morning, Chun!”—I always hear that from her. Ella’s voice is the first sound I hear when I open my eyes. Wonder why? Let me answer your question, we sleep together. Yes, she is the last person I see at night and the first person I see when I open my eyes the next day. Don’t think of other things. That’s how much we love each other. I can actually be proud of our relationship, if only…

Once, I went out with Selina, one of Ella’s closest friends and also a part of S.H.E. I asked her different thing about love. But I will never forget what she told me. “A girl wants to hear ‘…but I love you’ rather than ‘I love you, but…’ So don’t think about other things. Just love her.” It’s not that easy, she knows that. But she keeps on insisting that there is nothing wrong. It makes me more confused about my feelings. I feel so guilty for loving her. I know it’s wrong, but I really can’t stop myself from loving the woman who cares for me a lot. I can’t stop myself from loving the woman who never fails to make me smile. I can’t stop myself from loving the woman who helps me solve my problems.

Every night, I keep on wondering why life is so unfair. Why do I have to love Ella? Why does she have to be a part of my life? She isn’t that girly. But I’m not saying that she’s ugly. In fact, for me, she is the most beautiful woman alive. Of course, next to my mom. But seriously, she is really pretty. Her deep but sweet voice can complete my day. She shares random stories every night before we go to bed. She even tells me how she directs their MVs for their latest album, SHERO. I listen attentively to her. And while listening, I stare at the tiniest detail of her face. Her smooth and fair complexion is so amazing that I can stare at her for the whole day without closing my eyes. Sorry for being so exaggerated, but that’s how beautiful she is.

Speaking of their new album, Ella has really worked hard for it. I think she has composed three out of the ten tracks. When she’s at home, she would normally freshen up, eat dinner, and then spend our time together. But because of this album, her lifestyle has changed a bit. When she goes home from work, she would freshen up, eat dinner, and sit in front of the computer to type the lyrics of the song. I got a chance to read the lyrics of one of the songs, Ni Bu Hui. She fell asleep in front of the computer so I opened the file and read what she wrote. It was a beautiful song, very beautiful.

‘Together we understood the difference between love and true love’ was one line from the song. I didn’t expect her to write that kind of song. It was very emotional and meaningful. Yes, we know the difference of love and true love. Love is what we feel for each other. True love is what I feel for her. See, everything is set, if only…

Now that their album has been released, I’m glad that Ella is back to her normal self. After her promotion, we would often go out for lunch or dinner. When they have tapings, I always wait for her and I often bring snacks for her so that she could eat during commercial breaks. “You really love her, right?” one of the staffs told me. Of course, I do love her. I really love her. I could almost have her, if only…

Today, my band is shooting for a commercial. Ella patiently waited for us to finish. It wasn’t that easy for her because we changed places for three times. There were three versions of the commercial, so we took it in three different places. And what’s worse is those places aren’t near. It took us an hour to go to the other place. I know Ella got tired, but she didn’t show any sign of pain and exhaustion. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked her. She smiled at me and said, “Of course, I am! You can do that, Chun!” I hugged her and she asked me to go back already. I looked back and saw her reading her favorite book. She had teary eyes already. I know it’s because of too much work. She had been out for the whole morning for their album promotion. And now, I asked her to come with me. But then, I thought that maybe she got carried away by her emotions while reading the book. It was my turn to shoot for the commercial. While talking, I constantly stole glances from her and got my inspiration. When she smiles at me, energy rushes to my body and all the fatigue that I’m feeling suddenly vanishes.

That night, mom and dad left for an overseas trip. They had an emergency meeting abroad and they can’t fail to attend that. So Ella and I were left with all our maids at home. It was already past 11 o’clock when we reached home. Ella immediately changed clothes while I went straight to the kitchen. By the way, I really love to eat. Ella knows that. I will do anything just to eat. Anyway, back to the topic. Our cook welcomed me with my favorite dish. I was about to take a bite, but I heard Ella cough from my back. I knew that she wanted me to wait for her. So I stood up and escorted her to her chair. You may call her spoiled but that’s how much I love her. I treat her like a little kid who needs to be assisted every time.

After dinner, we both went to our room. She went to bed while I opened my laptop and read all the fan messages. I was surprised to read one unique message. It stated:

Chun,

I admire you a lot. You are a hard-working person. Continue to be an inspiration to me and to other people as well. You know, I really think that you are the man I really value the most. In times of trouble, you are always here to encourage me to stand. When I am happy, you are always beside me to cheer with me. I loved you, I love you, and I will forever love you.

I was so touched by the message. It’s the first time in my four years in the entertainment industry that a fan wrote a very sentimental letter. I scrolled down and saw the name ‘Ella’. Wow, I never knew that she would do this. She left a message for me on Fahrenheit’s official site. Now I know why she left a while ago and told me that she would do something in the car. Well, she typed that letter. She didn’t want me to see her writing that ‘fan letter’ of hers. I got up from my chair and went beside her. Her eyes were like that of an angel. Her cheeks were like tomatoes, a bit red and smooth. Her lips were so luscious that no man can resist it, not even me.

I moved near her. I touched her hair, moved it to the side so I can clearly see her beautiful face. She really had perfect features, from her eyes down to her lips. I moved a little bit closer. And the next thing I knew, my lips were pressed against hers. I tried my best not to close my eyes because from the start, I knew this is wrong. But the feeling of kissing her seems to be like ecstasy for me. A few seconds later, her eyes opened widely and she gave me a hey-what-are-you-doing-to-me look. I jumped out of the bed and moved my eyes away from her. I was ashamed of my action. But I love her so much. And one way of showing a person that you love him or her is by kissing. So what’s wrong with my action? If only…

That morning, Ella was the one who woke up first. I didn’t hear her voice so I felt a bit scared about what might happen next. I quickly washed up and went down for breakfast. There she was, quietly eating her meal. “Good morning,” she greeted me with a cold voice. It was not her usual voice. I went near her and gave her a kiss on her forehead. I do that to her everyday. I looked at her while we were eating. She seems to be so sad. I wonder what happened to her. “Hey, Chun! Don’t be so stupid. This is your fault,” I said to myself. It is really my fault, but I don’t know how to approach her about it.

“Ella, are you okay?” I asked. There was no reply. I waited for a few seconds until she uttered two words.

“Last night.”

I know what she meant by that. She wanted an explanation for what I did to her. I just don’t how to tell her about my feelings. My legs were shaking, my hands were trembling, and I could feel my heart pounding so fast.

“It was just a thank you kiss. I read your letter in our site, and I just wanted to thank you for that,” I explained. I think I succeeded in making her believe that it was true. She smiled at me and continued with her meal. I examined her face and it seems like nothing happened. She went back to her normal self and started sharing stories again. It took us an hour to finish our meal. Ella prepared herself for their TV appearance this afternoon. But she didn’t want me to accompany her. I wonder why.

I was left alone at our home; no one to talk to or even to stare at. I took my cell phone and dialed Jiro’s number. For your information, he is also a part of the band. Since I am the leader, they don’t have a choice but to follow what I say. Oops, sorry for that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the mean type of guy. Anyway, back to the story. I asked him to come over my place. But he refused and suggested a coffee shop to stay in. So I went up to my room and changed to my everyday clothes. I grabbed my sunglasses to be safe from the paparazzi. Before opening the door of our house, my eyes landed on Ella’s solo picture that was suspended on the wall. It was taken a few weeks ago for their album. Her makes me fall for her even more. I myself can’t believe that she would pose in front of the camera wearing a white backless dress made out of wool. I can have her, if only…
Jiro and I went to his favorite place, the coffee shop. He lectured me for almost an hour. It was mainly about Ella. That’s what I like about Jiro. He does not always take my side nor make me feel so bad. He knows everything about me. He knows how hard it is for me to love Ella. And he also knows why I feel this way when it comes to this girl named Ella.

“If you really love her, then go for it! Ella is such a lucky girl to have you, Chun!” he said. Wow, I hope it’s that easy to get her. But no, it’s never too easy to have her. I love her, she loves me too. But speaking of our relationship? Oh, never mind.

As you all know, Ella recently collaborated with Jerry in her latest drama, Down with Love. I was beside her when they shoot the drama. I witnessed how she gave her best in every scene. While they were filming their kissing scenes, I was like a prisoner who doesn’t have a choice but to watch them do that. She looked at me once in a while, and I had nothing to do but smile back at her. It wasn’t easy for me to see her kiss other guys. I was jealous, really jealous. I even wanted to kill Jerry at that time. But since we are close friends, I trust him that he would not do anything wrong to Ella. You know what? While they were shooting that scene where they needed to kiss in the middle of a park, all I have in mind was “I should be the one kissing her. I should be the one holding her tightly. I should be the one in his position because I love her.” But I don’t have a choice. If only…

The promotion for Down with Love. I went with her twice because the management said that it would affect the ratings of the drama if people will see us together. Fine, it’s for Ella’s sake. So when I joined her for their first promotion, I was just seated at the backstage. I only had a small view of Ella. She was happy with Jerry. She constantly hugged him and playfully held his hand. I felt like there were thousands of nails in my heart at that time. A camera man confronted me and asked what I was doing there. As an artist, I needed to deny the real reason of my appearance. “Oh, nothing. It’s my free time that’s why I am here,” I pouted. But why did I really go there? I just hurt myself and nothing else. I was there to support her because I am her…

Today is a free day for the both of us; no Down with Love promotion, no album promotion, and obviously, no commercial shoot. We are heading to our villa at the next city with my mom and dad. This is such a nice opportunity to bond. I am the one assigned to drive on our way there, so I purposely asked Ella to sit at the passenger seat. Good thing, my parents agreed to it. It was a nice trip, though. We played S.H.E’s new album’s songs, and she freely sang her heart out. I, on the other hand, listened to her voice that sounded like an angel’s voice to me.

It took us an hour to get to our place. It was a beautiful American-inspired cabin, a few miles away from the beach. My mom and dad went to their room as Ella headed to the back part of the cabin to look at the beautiful scenery. She was like a little kid running around the place just to take pictures of beautiful flowers and trees. I was left with our belongings. So I went to Ella’s—no our room—and I fixed our things first.

“Chun! Go down now! You should see this!” she screamed. I really can’t say no to her. So I left our things scattered around the room and went down with my camera. Indeed, there was beautiful scenery in front of me. And Ella added to the exquisiteness of the place. I quickly took a shot of her. Even though she wasn’t prepared for the camera, she still looked good when I viewed the picture. “I am photogenic!” Ella exclaimed. She saw me taking a picture of her? Oops, fail. We took turns in taking pictures and when it was getting dark already, I decided to take a picture of us together. I hugged her from behind and she held my hands tightly. When she saw the flash blinking, she showed a very beautiful smile. Why does she have to be that pretty? Why, of all women in the world, do I have to fall in love with her? There’s nothing wrong with loving this woman in front of me, if only…

Ella is really amazing. She speaks what’s in her mind, but she does not hurt other people with her words. She knows how to make me and others laugh so hard. But when you need her to help you with your problems, she can be at a very serious mode. I remember it was last year when my band was suspected to be lip-syncing. For singers like us, it is so shameful to be said that we don’t give our best in every performance. It was Ella who faced the media and clarified the rumor. A number of fans got mad at her because of her action, but she didn’t mind them. Instead, she told them to stop creating issues because they don’t earn for us. We earn for ourselves and we deserve the salary that we get from entertaining a lot of people. See, she can be very serious when you need her. That’s what I like about her. She sacrificed her name for the sake of clearing our reputation. Everything is under control, if only…

Ella is the type of person who loves a man so dearly. She had her first boyfriend four years ago. Her first heartbreak, should I say. I’d rather not mention his name anymore because he is out of Ella’s life now. I didn’t expect him to be so dire to her. She has been this very supportive girlfriend to him and look what he did to her; he left her without a word. He just used her to be successful in his own career. He just used Ella to be rich. I will never, ever allow another man to do that to her. I am here, next in line. If only…

Through thick and thin, we have been together. I know the tiniest detail about her life that even her mom and dad don’t know. She has shared all her pain with me and her happiness as well. You think we are really a perfect couple? I guess not. It’s not that easy for me to get Ella because…
Years ago, Ella faced a problem. And I was the only one who was able to solve it, not even Selina or Hebe. They kept on telling the crowd that Ella’s a lesbian. Fine, she looked boyish. But hey, look at her now, she’s a well-bloomed woman. Ella really took that issue seriously. She cried almost every night, and in the morning, she would flash a fake smile to me. It was hard for me to see her that way. What more on her part, right? So what I did was I asked for a press conference just to end the issue. I was the one who explained to them that Ella isn’t a lesbian because she is in a relationship with a guy. How I wish it was me, but no. I was referring to another man. The media believed me because they all know that I am one of Ella’s trusted individuals in the industry. That time, I really wished that I was her boyfriend. I wished that I was referring to myself. I wished I had the chance to tell the media “Ella isn’t a lesbian because we are a couple.” Unfortunately, it’s not part of the script of my love. If only…

Other artists in the entertainment industry need to hide their relationship for the sake of their career. But in our case, we don’t need to hide how much we love each other. And in fact, no one actually cares about what we have right now. Our careers aren’t affected by our feelings for each other. You want to know why? It’s simply because we have different feelings towards each other. I love her, she loves me. It’s not that simple. If you read between the lines, there’s a big difference when it comes to how much we love each other.

Let me share to you an experience that I will never forget. 2006: a very special year. We started filming Hana Kimi, our first drama together. At first, I didn’t want to accept the project because I was still adjusting myself into working for an idol drama. Before Hana Kimi, I starred in the drama Tokyo Juliet which was far from my role in Hana Kimi. But then, Ella inspired me to go along. Her professionalism made me think that I should give my best when the camera starts rolling. You know what she told me?

“Don’t think that there is an important and unimportant scene. Everything we shoot is important in the storyline. So you should always give your best. Set aside all the pain and anger you feel because it will reflect in the way you act. Think that you are Quan, not Chun.” How inspiring, isn’t it? So I went with the flow and really gave my best shot for the sake of the drama.

The pain that we felt from filming the drama vanished when we received a very good review from the viewers. A lot of people liked the plot, though I admit, it didn’t have a very memorable ending. I also wished for a happy ending, but I didn’t have a choice but to follow the script. Rui Xi and Quan’s relationship there is not that far from what Ella and I have right now. They have this unexplainable feeling for each other. There are times that I wish I was really Quan so that I can always protect Ella without feeling so bad. But what can I do? I need to accept reality. This is me, Chun, in love with a girl named Ella.

My first movie, Butterfly Lovers, was aired last 2009. I felt a bit sad that I didn’t get a lot of good remarks from the crowd. Well, I myself think that it didn’t have a good story. First, working with Charlene Choi wasn’t that great. Second, it was my first time on big screen. Third, I wanted another leading lady which was Ella. She was there throughout the filming period. She didn’t accept other works and concerts for the sake of keeping me company. I remember, during our sixth filming day, she cried a bucket of tears. Why? It was the time when we shoot the most dangerous part of the movie. I got two bruises and four minor cuts on both arms. I wasn’t able to handle the sword well, that’s why I got a lot of marks. She was there to comfort me and heal my wounds. She was there to feed me when I felt kind of dizzy because of fatigue. She was there to guide me in internalizing my character. She was there basically for me, alone.

14 Blades. It wasn’t that easy to work with professional artists. They know a lot of things about martial arts, while I know a little about it. This time, Ella wasn’t with me when we filmed the movie. She didn’t even find time to watch the movie. I asked her why. She told me, “I don’t want to see you get hurt.” I don’t know if I would be happy with that or not. I should be happy because she cares for me. On the other hand, I feel sad because she didn’t support me in my second movie. Past is past, forget about it.

Now, our company has decided to give us new projects. I’m going back to filming dramas and Ella’s going to have a movie. She was asked in an interview about the plot of her movie. “There’s still no plot for the movie, but if I were to choose, I would want some sort of martial arts,” she said. Hey, wait. Martial arts? She didn’t watch my movie because she didn’t want to see me get hurt. And now, she wants to try it. I object.

“Then who is your lead?” the reporter asked.

Ella’s reply was music to my ears. “I still don’t know. But I would prefer Chun to be my leading man because he has already experienced this.” She wants me to be her lead? That would be great! I wouldn’t hurt her at all. Even if she would bring a lot of trouble to me, since it’s her first time to shoot for a movie, I won’t mind at all. Now, that’s called sacrifice, the one Calvin is referring to. But I want Ella’s first movie to be unforgettable that’s why I will risk anything just for her.

Speaking of lead, I still don’t have a leading lady for my drama. No lead, no story, no characters. I don’t think they will still push through with this knowing that it’s hard to pull artists in the same company nowadays. I’m not hoping for it, though. I’m looking forward to working with Ella for her new project.

We have come so far, experienced joy and sorrows together, had so many ‘firsts’ together, but our relationship isn’t clear to me. Many things proved how much compatible we are, but it’s really destiny that is pulling us apart. We had quite a number of quarrels already, but we both didn’t mind about it. It only takes us an hour to solve the problems we have. Still wondering why I am like this? If only…

A lot of people say that when you love someone, there are no if’s and no but’s. But in my case, I guess that doesn’t apply. I had the freedom to love other ladies, but I chose to stick with her. I chose to endure all the pain that I’m feeling for as long as I am with her. Ella, on the contrary, had three serious relationships already. I was beside her when she needed me. And now, she chose to remain single and just love me forever. But still, there’s something wrong. I can court her, why not? In the law of love, there is nothing wrong in liking a beautiful and charming girl. But for me, I don’t even know if that is real. Why can’t I feel the love that I give Ella? If only…

I think I should just give up on her. I think I should go out of my comfort zone and find someone new to love. It’s very easy to say that, but it would be very hard to do that. Even if I stop loving her, she will still love me, I know that. But my point is we don’t have the same weight of love. I love her so much. She loves me, period. I’m really confused. I don’t know if I should follow my mind or my heart. My mind tells me, “Go on, and continue loving her. You can give her eternal happiness. She can’t find another man to give the same love that you give her. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship with her, Chun.” But if listen to my heart, it clearly says…


                                                                                   “If only Ella Chen isn’t your sister.”