My First Love

 

 

Kwon Jiyong was the first. He was the first boy that I fell in love with in school. It did take a while for me to actually fall in love with

him, but at the same time that I started to realise it, I was still partially in love with Choi Seunghyun. However, I was quickly falling

out of that crush I had, and moving onto someone I truly cared about.

 

Opposites really do attract, huh?

 

I really do love Jiyong, he's so important to me. Sure, he's tactless, rough and has low tolerance. He gets angry far too quickly and is

very very blunt, but his good qualities make up for his flaws. He's sweet around the people he truly cares about and very loving. He

likes to have a lot of affection, as in hugs and kisses, and his teasing is only out of love.

 

Jiyong is the most precious person to me.

 

And it has been three years now since I last saw him. Since we last held hands, embraced and kissed. But that doesn't mean I don't

hear his voice. We call each other all the time and I cherish those moments where I hear him say my name in that wonderful voice of

his.

 

But every time one call ends, my tears fall and I shake. I don't like the feeling of loneliness. I want Jiyong's embrace, his warmth and

his gentleness, but no. I can't have it. This was our choice and we need to stick by it.

 

When we graduated, we decided to follow our dreams. Jiyong would become a novelist in America and be a hit with his stories and

biographies whilst I, Gong Minzy, would own a small bakery and bring smiles to people’s faces. We both lived out these dreams, but

those dreams don't make us entirely happy, do they?

 

I still weep and hold myself, wishing that my dearest Jiyong was there, but he isn't, and I don't think it's fair anymore. I wish that I

had gone with him and lead a life of happiness by his side in America. But no. Here I am, stuck in Korea, running a small bakery

business making cakes, bread and such.

 

I wonder if Jiyong’s happy? Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But I know for sure that he will be popular among the girls, he always was,

and that makes me jealous inside. I'm jealous of other women just being near him and getting to talk to him because there is that

slight chance that he will take notice of one... and like her.

 

But it's his choice and I can't stop him from making that decision. Jiyong is his own person and he has a mind of his own. If he wants

to date another girl then he can. Just like I can date other guys, that's the promise we made. But I don't want to date anyone else. I

just want Jiyong.

 

And then my phone rings, and I pick it up from the bedside table, seeing the familiar caller ID. My heart lurches.

 

Jiyong.

 

It's my Jiyong, calling me. My heart beats faster as I click the call button, and lift the phone to my ear. I want to hear that wonderful

voice and feel my heart beat erratically; I want him to say my name and whisper the words he always whispers just before he ends

our call. But I don't want the call to end. I never do. I want to talk to him more and more, but he's busy.

 

I would much prefer to talk to him in person, but we can't meet up when he's in America and I am in Korea. It's a long distance. If we

had the chance to see each other, we would... but we never do. We're busy people, that's the life of an adult. Busy, no free time...

just work, and that's all.

 

But hearing his voice is enough for me... for now.

 

"Oppa." I whisper into the phone, and he says my own name. My face turns red. I can just see him, my Jiyong, in a smart suit with

tidy hair and those amazing, piercing crimson eyes staring at his desk. We once had a video call, and he was very smart looking.

Jiyong was always the smart-type of guy who wore those business suits and ties, whilst I was the sort to look like a little housewife.

 

I had planned to become his wife, but that's kind of hard to do right now.

 

I listened to his voice, that soothing, calm, deep voice as he talked to me, told me about his day and how much he missed me. I

talked as well. I talked about how the bakery was doing, I talked about how I missed him ad how I wanted to see his face. He

apologized. He always does, because he knows just how much I miss him. He knows that my heart aches for him, because his heart

aches for me, too.

 

We may long for each other, but it's impossible right now... we can only hope that we will see each other again one day.

 

But that is wishful thinking. I know that Jiyong loves America, and that I love my bakery. But we can just hope and pray that one day

we will meet each other again, right?

 

So I sit and listen to Jiyong talk about things. We try to make our calls last a long time, but sometimes I get tired. However tonight is

one of those nights. A night where I can't sleep, where I just think about him. It's morning in America for him, and night time for me. I

don't mind, though. Sometimes I go to sleep knowing that Jiyong is at ease and happy.

 

"I miss you." I whisper as he sits in silence for a mere second, he always does this, and then replies with 'I miss you too' and says my

name over and over again like it's a holy word. I say his name, repeating it ten times. I like to say his name, it's a wonderful name, it

just rolls off the tongue.

 

And he says my name so perfectly, it's like he's whispering it into my ear, like he did on that first night together, that first time... that

night he held me so close and whispered my name, kissed me and told me he loved me with all of his heart.

 

At that thought, my heart started to ache. I shouldn't think of memories, they hurt far too much. It's because I know that that first

night was also our last night together. The night before he left for America was the night he took me as his, and that memory burns

my heart so, so much.

 

And then suddenly, we had to say our goodbyes. I thought I had been talking to Jiyong for less than a minute, but it turns out we

have been talking for more than two hours. So we bid our farewells, and Jiyong told me that he loved me, and I replied that I also

loved him. I wish he knew just how much I loved him.

 

The line then went dead, but I kept the phone against my ear as my tears spilled down my cheeks. I don't want to let go, but I have

to. However I am persistent, and I keep the phone against my ear, clutching it tightly with one hand as my other arm wraps around

my legs.

 

This always happens...

 

Each morning I hope for Jiyong to come around the corner and greet me with open arms. Each morning there is a possibility that he

will call me and tell me that he is returning to Korea.

 

Each morning I contemplate whether or not I should grab my passport, a suitcase full of belongings and just go. Sometimes I wake

up and stare at my passport lying in the drawer, wondering if I should surprise Jiyong.

 

But then I think about the fact that he might have a girlfriend. I know that Jiyong says he loves me, and I say it back, but that doesn't

mean he doesn't have someone else he cares about,

 

and so every morning I always close that drawer and head off to work, not knowing what could happen if I just took that chance and

left Seoul to find Jiyong.

 

I'm just a coward...

 

Every time a customer enters my bakery I greet them with a smile and ask them what they would like. Sometimes they come into to

take a look and order nothing at all, whilst others smile back and order their usual. I bring them their order, they pay for it, and go

home or go to work happy. I enjoy making others smile and I like it when they enjoy what I make.

 

I especially like it when my customers smile back at me, talk about their day and tell me that my bakery is 'their little treat'. It's nice to

know that people really like what I create.

 

I am always at my happiest when I am in my bakery because it's my very own escape. My thoughts are always on what I make and

on my customers, so I have no time to think about Jiyong, but those thoughts always flood back the minute I enter my apartment.

 

 

That's why I love my job so so much...

 

Today I looked at the passport again, wondering if I should seize the chance and take it, go to America and see Jiyong. But of course

I closed the drawer and turned away from it, left my apartment and went to work as I always do. I opened my bakery and the

customers came and went, smiling and waving to me as I smiled back and handed them their orders, talked to them and cherished

their smiles that they all gave me.

 

But I didn't know how different today would be from any other. I thought it would be normal; I would wake up, wish for Jiyong to be

beside me when I woke up, get washed, dressed, look at my passport and think, then leave for work and make people happy with

my food, then return home and get a call from Jiyong.

 

But today was different. How? Well, it was different because one of my customers, a regular named Taemin, came in, but he didn't

order the usual bread roll and strawberry shortcake, no. Instead he asked for a date.

 

With me.

 

I had never been courted by anyone but Kwon Jiyong, so this was a first for me. I really didn't want to accept Taemin’s sudden

proposal, but I never refused it because Taemin is a sweetheart and he really cares for people. He smiled at me and told me he really

liked me.

 

Taemin is nothing like my Jiyong, though, and he could never replace him. I decided to accept Taemin’s date, though, and thought

that I could refuse him afterwards, because I wished to wait for Jiyong.

 

That never happened. I started to date Taemin and we officially became a couple a month afterwards. Taemin was sweet, he would

take me for walks in the park, have picnics with me, make me dinner and take me to beautiful places like fields filled with wild flowers.

 

 

But I can't say that I loved Taemin like I did Jiyong. And even though I was dating Taemin, I still talked to Jiyong and told him I loved

him. I was kidding myself that I loved Taemin, so I never told Jiyong because I never wanted to hurt him, I never wanted our calls to

end so abruptly, because if Jiyong knew I was dating, he wouldn't want to get in the way.

 

But I was so cruel. I had two men waiting for me. I loved Jiyong, not Taemin, and that made me think I was a horrible person for just

toying with the feelings Taemin had. He really did like me, he cherished me and he was here, whilst Jiyong loved me as well and I

loved him, but he was in America. I was unsure of what to do, but I knew my feelings were set. I wanted Jiyong and only Jiyong.

 

One night, though, everything changed. I was with Taemin and he told me that he loved me. He held my hands and kissed me, but I

felt no spark. But I didn't want to hurt him, so I complied and replied that I loved him too. I lied. I lied to such a sweet person just to

make him happy.

 

I am a terrible person.

 

And when I returned home that night, I saw my phone on the nightstand and saw a message there.

 

One missed call.

 

That was when the calls ended, and I never heard Jiyong’s voice again.

 

That night was the last I cried for him, the last time that I thought about how much I loved him...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ten years later...

 

 

After a year of dating, Taemin proposed to me. That day I was the happiest woman in the world, and when I said 'I Do' at the altar

and kissed my husband, I was the happiest bride in the world. Taemin and I are still a happy couple. He treats me like I am the most

important woman in the world, and I love him so much.

 

We have three children. Two boys and a girl who are adorable and lively. Our daughter loves sweets and is a bit of a tomboy whilst

our sons are into cars and motorcycles already. They are seven, five and three. All two years apart but we love them equally.

 

I still own my bakery, I run it alongside Taemin. I could never close it down, it brought Taemin and myself together. This bakery has

brought me so much happiness over the years and I love it more than anything.

 

Everyday I walk through the park now, smiling, waving at people and staring at the ring on my finger. I love sunny days especially, so

does Taemin. We have a lot on common, but we do have our little feuds some times. No relationship is perfect, ours included.

 

Today was like any other day. I woke up, washed, got dressed, kissed my husband, took my children to school then went to the

bakery to work with Taemin. We smiled at our customers who smiled back and talked about their day or their plans, then left with

their order. Then when it came to my break, I went for a walk in the park like I always do.

 

As I walked through the park and walked past young and old couples, children and mothers yelling at their children to be careful, I

smiled to myself, hoping that my future with Taemin would be bright and loving like we were now. And when that very thought

occurred to me, I accidentally dropped my purse on the floor. I always did this, I am so careless when I think, so I leaned down to

pick it up.

 

I clutched my purse, smiling still, until I let my eyes turn upwards before I stand up, and there, only a distance from me, I see him. The

man I had longed for so long.

 

My Kwon Jiyong.

 

My heart lurches when I see him walking, looking around. The man I had loved for so long but given up was in Seoul, the man who I

wanted to be with... no, the man I want to be with. He was here, searching for someone... for me?

 

I then stare down at my hand and see the simple gold band around my left hand ring finger, and it all floods back. I am married to

Taemin, not Jiyong. I can't break my husband's heart, not when I love him... but even I know that my love for Taemin can't compare to

the love that I hold for Jiyong.

 

But I stopped. I missed that call and then it all picked up from there. That drawer never opened again, and all those memories left.

But they flooded back upon seeing him there.

 

And as my heart aches, I know that I have to let go, I know that I can't face him. I can't look at him anymore, because I will only hurt

even more.

 

I straighten my posture and I walk on, clutching my purse tightly and lowering my head as I walk forwards, hoping that he doesn't

see me.

 

And as I walk past him... I cried my tears which I had locked up, but I never looked back. Not even when he called my name. I

continued walking, leaving him behind me.

 

And that was the last time I saw him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My first love...