it becomes harder and harder, every step that baekhyun takes hurts him and it's just not right because that's not what he sees reflected in the mirror in front of him. he sees perfection and that's what his company wants, perfection.
he's trying to reach that level with all his might, with all the sweat his body produces, with all the tears that his eyes can release. instead, he keeps falling and stumbling and tripping over his feet and this is not him. not him.
it hurts because baekhyun has everything pictured inside his head and inside his head he doesn't fall, he doesn't stumble nor trip over his feet but that damn mirror doesn't show the same. however, he sees jongin moving fluidly to the music, following the rhythm as if he's a puppet attached to some invisible strings, moved by an invisible hand and the mirror reflects the same flawless jongin that's dancing in front of him. jongin can do it, i probably can do it too, baekhyun repeats to himself.
so he stands up again and tries over and over and over untill his limbs want to leave his body to find a new one that feels a little bit more alive than baekhyun's actually is.

 ×

"i'm not a dancer, i can't dance, i can't move at all. i keep falling and falling and the tempo's all wrong and i think the wooden floor is sick of me too, having to catch me and support my weight half the time," beakhyun stutters out one night, tears threatening to spill from his eyes to reach the soft pillow under his head. "i am a singer. i've sung all my life and all i can do is hold a damn microphone and spit out words and notes that kinda make sense and are kinda pleasant to hear altogether, but i'm not quite sure of that either," he continues as one tear's already on the edge and he can't hold it in anymore, it stings, almost as the thing that resides illegally inside his stomach. it's not like his stomach is for rent in the first place and that ugly and uncomfortable feeling isn't even paying the bills. now, why aren't the autorities taking care of this?
the tiny drop isn't fast enough and it stops its journey near the bridge of baekhyun's nose, when a thumb catches it and erases it from baekhyun's warm cheek. it leaves a wet sensation on baekhyun's face and it switches from cold to hot as the kind puffs of the guy close to him hit the surface of his skin.
"hyung, the floor doesn't hate you and it's not like it will break under your weight. i mean, you're not even half me," the boy murmurs with a soft smile on his face, gently baekhyun's back with his hand. "and never think so low of yourself. ever. please hyung. your voice is something one can't simply describe using words. i know i'm so lame and this is probably really awkward because i'm not the best when it comes to comfort my friends, my best friend. but your voice..." the boy takes a deep breath, trying to think something that would cheer up baekhyun at the same time, "your voice makes angels doubt the existence of their wings."

it's awkward and (maybe) a little lame and it sounds like a really sloppy pick up line from a sloppy drama too but baekhyun starts crying anyway. he cries and the tears won't stop, a buzzing sound filling his ears and he can't understand what's happening but the other boy is there to kiss every droplet away.
it seems that whatever lives in his stomach is now tickling him and doing strange things like decorating the "house" or something. it doesn't even feel bad anymore.

"i like the smiling baekhyun the most."

how in the hell is baekhyun supposed to stop crying and sobbing if he keeps whispering such gentle, gentle words?
how in the hell is he supposed to stop if it feels so warm and it feels so cozy with those long arms wrapped around him?

"thank you, chanyeol-ah," it's what comes out amongst baekhyun's sobs.

×


it's a rainy day when one of baekhyun and chanyeol trainers tells the former to stop in the office at the end of the hallway once the training ends.

"baekhyun hyung! i'll wait for you so we can go ho─"

"don't worry chanyeol, go home before it starts raining even more. please, go home." with a quivering voice baekhyun dismisses chanyeol and leaves the room.

he doesn't know if this will be his last day as a trainee. but he does know that seeing the ever smiling chanyeol dropping his toothy grin because of him hurts more than anything else. what an awful friend he must be.

baekhyun sighs.

×

when baekhyun leaves the sm's building, he's startled too see a drenched chanyeol waiting for him under a red umbrella. it's almost dark and cold outside and normal people don't usually stand outside a building, drenched from head to toes. yeah, normal people.

"chanyeol-ah..." baekhyun shivers seeing chanyeol's bangs covering his eyes, dripping and messed up. nevertheless, chanyeol smiles. that goofy smile of his, the one that sometimes turns into the creepy smile that infects other people as well. the one that baekhyun came to love so, so much.

"hyung! i didn't bring an umbrella with me, so i ran home but then i remembered that you didn't have yours too and you catch the cold so easily, so i came back here with your umb─"

and this is when everything stops.
they're cold. when baekhyun kisses him, all he feels are a pair of cold lips and another smile forming on chanyeol's mouth. chanyeol's hair is dripping on his face and he doesn't care, he presses against chanyeol's body and chanyeol's clothes are wet and he's becoming wet too but he doesn't care.
this is so right.

"we're going to debut in the same group, chanyeol-ah!" baekhyun chirps breathlessly.

chanyeol laughs, his eyes crinkling unevenly like always, the way baekhyun likes so much. "i already know hyung," and he covers baekhyun's lips with his again, the umbrella forgotten on the sidewalk as his arms encircles the smaller boy.


it's not awkward and not lame but it looks like a really sloppy scene from a sloppy drama and they both laugh and share whispers of nothing and everything as they leave sets of brief and light kisses on each other faces.

it seems that whatever lives in baekhyun's stomach is now holding a party with his friends, drinks, games and bursting fireworks included.

baekhyun thinks he can get used to it.