Age 21, October: Starting Over
Do You Remember?
I attentitively watched him as he sat on my couch. Sitting by the furnace, a blanket wrapped around his shivering body and a cup of tea in his hands. He took a sip of his tea and looked up at me, silent on the other side of the room. All I could do is look at him, remembering our first day together thirteen years ago. It was like deja vu... the pouring rain, the blankets, and even the way he sat on the edge of the couch to get close to the furnace.
Here I was, staring at the outer shell of a young man I used to call my best friend. And today, I don't even know who he is anymore. I don't even know what to call him. Is he still my best friend, an old friend, or someone I used to know?
Joonmyun tightened his grip on his tea, giving me a small smile. "Thanks for the tea, Su Min. I really appreciate it."
I nodded, words unable to come out of my mouth. I had so many questions... why is he acting like he knows me so well? Six months ago, he had no clue who I was. And why come here so late at night? Am I some secret he doesn't want anyone to know about anymore?
I leaned forward in my chair, looking right at Joonmyun. "Do you mind if I ask you something?"
He nodded. "Of course."
"How did you know where I lived?"
He set his tea down on the coffee table, then grabbed something out of his jacket pocket and handed it to me. A photograph.
"That's one of the pictures in your scrapbook," he said sheepishly, "I got to visit my family a few weeks ago and saw the exact same one hanging up at the house. When I asked about it, they gave me the address. And then I realized you weren't lying."
I unfolded the photograph. It was an image of Joonmyun and I, probably at the age of 11, playing in front of my house. I giggled at the picture, reminiscing on the day. "You sure did have a funny haircut back then."
"Hey!" he yelled, leaning forward and grabbing the photograph back, "I wasn't the one who cut my hair like that!"
We laughed, Joonmyun easing himself back into the couch. Our laughing suddenly stopped, the awkward aura coming back into the air. I figited in my seat, knowing the million dollar question was coming. I had to ask, but I was so afraid to.
I could feel Joonmyun looking at me. "Are you okay?" he asked.
I looked up at him and shrugged. "I don't know," I replied, getting up from my chair and pacing, "There's just a lot to take in right now."
"Like what?"
"Well, for one, I never thought I'd see you again." I went back to the chair, sitting back down and resting my head on one of my hands. "I mean, six months ago, you totally shut me out and told me you had absolutely no clue who I was. And when you were looking through the scrapbook, your eyes said the same thing. To be honest, I pretty much have spent the last six months trying to forget about you."
He looked down at his tea, not making eye contact with me anymore.
"And besides... seven years without contact? What was I thinking?! I should've known you wouldn't remember someone like me... some helpless peasant of your past. I was naive; I just should've known.
"When you left last minute, I had no time to say goodbye to you. And you had promised me you'd come visit me and write letters. I spent seven years holding onto this hope that you would actually write to me. But after four years of waiting, I tried to put it away and never bring it back. And as hard as I tried, Joonmyun, every time I would walk pass the Han River or even look next door at your old house, I would think of you, and those feelings and that lost hope would come back.
"I dealt with that for seven years. Do you even understand how that feels, Joonmyun? Waiting for someone special to you to come back to you, and once they do, you're a stranger to them?!" I ended up burying my face into my hands, sadness and anger emerging out of me. I shook my head, muffling "I'm sorry," into my hands.
Joonmyun set his tea back down onto the table and got off the couch, walking towards me. He sat down on the floor, right in front of the chair, resting his hands on my knees. "I understand your frustration, and I'm sorry. But can you let me explain?"
I looked up at him, wiping my face off. "What's there to explain?"
He sighed, looking back up at me. "When you get an opportunity like a record deal at one of the biggest companies in South Korea, you would be working your off, too. I would go right from school into the training rooms. On weekends, I pretty much lived there. I wanted to debut so bad, that I pushed everyone away from me that would distract me. Family, friends... it didn't matter to me at the time. I just wanted to debut.
"I was supposed to debut three years ago in this group called 'So Nyun Chun Jee'. We were supposed to be the next SNSD. It was pretty awesome working with the guys towards debut day. When I heard the news they weren't going to debut us anymore, I was pissed. I wanted to go back home and forget that I even was at SM in the first place. And a lot of the guys did that. But I didn't want to be like them. I wanted to provide for my family. I had to do it for them.
"I spent three more years, Su Min... three more years of missed debuts. And finally, I was able to have an opportunity with EXO. You need to understand that this is something I had to do. I sacrificed everything for what I have today. And you can be mad at me all you want, but I don't regret what I did."
"I'm not mad," I said, "Like I said, just trying to soak it all in." I looked back up at him, his eyes meeting mine. "Is there anything you remember about me?"
He smiled, nodding. "A little. It's a lot of little things, though."
"Like what?"
"Well, I remember you always wearing your hair in this really high ponytail until the beginning of middle school. You used to always help me clean my room before school, too. I remember giving you a flower the first day we met... pink, right?"
"No, yellow," I chuckled.
He chuckled, looking down at his shoes. He let out a sigh and looked back up at me. "Look," he said, "I know it's gonna be a lot of work, but I'd really like to start over."
I tilted my head. "As friends?"
"Yeah," he said, standing back up, "I mean, like you said, it's been seven years since we last seen each other. I hardly know anything about you and you hardly know anything about me. I think it would be nice if we just had a clean slate and just..."
"Went back to square one?" I asked.
"Pretty much."
I looked around and pondered for a moment. Am I really ready for this?
I stood up, giving Joonmyun a small smirk. "Okay, let's give it a shot."
He smiled, holding out his hand. "My name's Kim Joonmyun, childhood friend and leader of EXO-K."
I put my hand in his, shaking it. "Baek Su Min, college student and potential best friend."
"Let's hope so."
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm finished.
This is the very first story I've finished, and I'm pretty proud of how I wrote it. It's one of my favorite pieces, and I'm so happy to have been able to share it with you guys. Thank you so much for sticking with me the past seven months... it really means a lot to me, and I appreciate every single one of you.
For those of you who would like to read the sequel, click here and it'll take you right to it.
I love you guys and I hope to deliver something even better than this for the second part. Keep on reading and I'll see you soon.
Lots of love,
Carly
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