Jan 2007

Today is the first day i'm writing in my diary. Before this i dont really interested to have my own diary. Even when my friend, IU (but i prefer called her as jieun) always ask me to have my own diary,i will just keep silent coz writing in a diary just not me. But somehow today i juz feel wanna write something. I want to share what i feel to someone but i dunno how to start. I dont know how to tell others coz im afraid people will judge me or said something that offend me but one thing i know, diary will never offend me. Will never hurt me. My diary will always loyal to me. Will always be my side as long as i keep it.. It will never left me until im the one who throw it. 

Today, i go to bookstore that i always went. At first i just want to buy stationery and some book but when i go to stationary section and i notice a notebook or rather a cute black white book writter "my precious memory", i somehow just felt addicted. Somehow i felt that book is mine. I should have that book. I should have my own diary. I want to have my own diary so that i will never forget my precious memory. I stop at that place and without i realise, i take the book and smile to myself. I dont know why i suddenly smile. Just hugging the book make me felt happiness.

Jieun come to me and tap my shoulder when she think im spacing out but actually im not. But she just smile when notice im hugging the book. Maybe this is also what she felt when the first time she started have her own diary.

 

Jan 2008
Its have been a year i have this diary but yet not too much that i can write. The feeling that i got when im looking at the book in the first day i bought it seems dissapear after a few months. Maybe its juz not me when i tried to write in my diary. But here i am still writing every single things that happen in my life whether its happy or sad. 

November 2008

Im so sad today. I feel wanna crying. My bestfriend, my only friend IU left me. I'm too sad that i just cant cried in front of her. She's too precious to me. I dont have any friend that really understand me like her. I dont have a friend that always cheer me when i sad and always be there when im in need. She also always stand by my side in whatever happen in my life. She is also the one who always gave me courage when i nearly gave up my life. She cried when i cried. She laugh when i laugh. But now she left me. She left me alone.

Jieun.

My friend who always lend her shoulder when i cried. 

My friend who always wipe my tears using her thumb.

My friend who always does everything she could juz to make me smile..

But yet im doing nothing to stop her. Im juz can watch her go away.
I cant be selfish by telling her to stay by my side even i want it so much coz i dont want either us become our shadow. I cant be selfish by always want her to cheer me. 

My friend cried when she want to left me. She cried hard when she let go of my hand.  But me? I juz can smile. I send her with a smile. At least that the thing that i can do for her. I dont want her to worried about me. I want to show her that im strong even without her by my side. 

She cried in front of me and now its my turn to wipe her tears. Its my turn to lend my shoulder to her. I hold her face with my hand and i look directly at her eyes. 

"dont cry,jieun-ah"

This is the only word that come out from me. I said it with smile on my ace. Its really hurt to see her crying and maybe this is also how she felt when she look at me crying all this while. 

She stop crying after i smile to her. She also look at me. She hug me tightly. I can still feel her warm body. The happyness and warm feeling when she hug me. Maybe this will be the last time i feel like that. I dont know when i can feel it again...

When the time has come for her to go, she hug me one more time,. She look at my face with smiling on her smile. I will miss her smile. 

"good bye jiyeon-ah.. I will back soon"

Thats the only word that come from her while i keep silent and my lips form a smile. A hurtful smile. Im forcing myself to smile again and i think she know it too coz i also can feel her smile is not sincere.


She wave her hand towards me and i replied back. I waved to her until she lost from my sight. Suddenly i burst into tears. My cheek wet with my flowing tears. I just cant take it anymore. The sadness. The pain by watching my bestfriend left me is too painful for me. My childhood friend finally left me.  Even i know we will met someday but i still sad. From now on, there will be no person to cheer me when im sad. There will be no person to cry with me when i cry. There will be no person who can lend her shoulder to me. There will be no person to laugh with me when i laugh or happy. And the most important is, i just have a feeling that i will never meet her again and this will be our last day together. 

March 2009

Its already few months since jieun left me. Everyday im miss her. Everyday i thinking about her. Everyday we will send email and sometimes we will talk with each other. But i still miss her so much. I felt lonely without her by my side.
Im getting used with her stay by my side and when suddenly there is no longer any person stay with me, i just felt different. I felt useless.

Today, i got a letter from jieun again. Even we always send email to each other and i think almost everyday we will email each other and talk with each other, we will still send letter to each other. Sometimes in the letter we will talk about the same thing that we talk when talk on the phone or on email but yet we will still keep sending a letter. At least once in a month. Besides a letter, jieun also send her new picture with her family and her new friends. 

Seriously i sometimes get jealous when she said she have new friends coz for me she is mine. For me, she can only have one bestfriend and that one person should only be me. But i know i shouldnt make her like what i want her to. I cant make her to have only me as her bestfriend.

Dear jiyeonnie,
  
How r u princess? I hope u always be healthy eventhough i doubt it. Did u sick? Coz everytime we talk i can sense somwthing different from your voice. Its look like u hold urself. Please tell me if u sick okay? I want to be there is u sick. I dont want to leave u alone when u sick coz i still remember how u take care of me when i got a fever. Maybe u already forgot about it but for me its still fresh in my memory. Because that is the moment i found u as my bestfriend. U touch my heart with your kindness. Despite what other people said during that time about u, how u cold towards others, arrogant and bad girl but u prove me what people said about u is wrong. U prove to me that u is a good person and u prove to me that u is a worth person to be friend with and to be honest i never feel regret but instead im feeling bless coz have u as my friend. Even u always said u do nothing for me but actually u done a lot for me without u realising it. U never realise what u done for me coz for u, whatever u did to me will never be same with what i did to u but to be honest what u did to me is something that i will never ever can pay to u.
Did u remember the first time u save me from thug? U sacrifice urself to save me. U even hurt urself during that time. Thats the first time ever i know u. U must be shocked right where i know this? Actually i know this long time ago.. Eventhough we do not know each other during that time but u still save me from the thugs. Eventhough u didnt show who is u during that time but i still can know who u are coz i will never forget the person who once save my life. U may be already forgot about it but for me, its still fresh. During that time, eventhough i know u is the one who save me, i still afraid to approach u because of what others said about u. But guess, we already fated to be close friends by being a partner in doing assignmnt. The teacher pair us together. I felt happy but at the same time worried and afraid. Happy coz i can at least say thank you because saving my life but worried n afraid if u do something bad to me or to our assignment but guess again im wrong. 

The first day when we being partner, we just change our phone number and exchange an awkward smile. We just keep silent doing our things even when we sit at the same table. We play with our pen and mumbling something that either both of us can hear it. During that time i dont know how to start a conversation with u but u suddenly broke the silent by telling me u will text me in the night to discuss about our project assignment. I just nodded hearing what u said. The time flew so fast when we suddenly hear the bell ring. We got up from our seat and me goes straight to my home.

At the night, i keep glancing at my phone, waiting for u to text me but i got nothing. My phone just silent without any text or incoming call. I keep waiting and waiting without realising its already 4am in the morning. Guess, u will not text me so i just go to my bed and sleep. My head at that time already feel dizzy and heavy. Maybe because of the rain and late sleep.


Suddenly my phone ringing when i sleep. I dont know what time when the incoming call. I just pick up and i hear your soft voice asking where is me. I swear if im a guy, i will totally fall in love with u. Your voice so addictive and so soft. I juz answer with weak and sleepy voice that im at home sleeping. I can hear u sigh but then u ask me my address and i just said it to u and without i realised, im back to sleep again without knowing what u said or your response at that time.

When i woke up, i juz notice u stay by my side holding my hand tightly. I can felt wet towel at my forehead. I dont know what happen and im a bit blank during that time. Many question pop up in my head. Why u here? What did u do in my house? Why there is wet towel at my forehead? And why u hold my hand tightly. 

I tried remove my hand from ur hold without wanting to let u wake up but u just woke up when i move my body a bit. U rub your sleepy eyes and u look straight to my eyes. From your eyes, i can see pain and worried but u juz smile to me. Even i felt dizzy but somehow just looking ur smile make my heart become warm and make my head not dizzy again. U take the wet towel at my forehead and put your back palm at my forehead then u smile again. After that u put again the wet towel at my forehead and u go out without saying anything. I'm become confuse with what u did. Im speechless and just can watch u go away from me. I want to stop u and just stay beside me but my there is no word can come out from my mouth. 


But after a few minutes u come back to my room with a plate at your hand. Just looking at you walking straight to me n without i realising, a smile form at face. I felt happy coz u dd t leave me alone but instead u stay by side. U take care of me like we r close friend but in fact we r not. We barely know each other but this is the second time u take care of me without know much about me. U sacrifice urself to save me and now u sacrifice ur sleep and u sacrifice ur reccess time to stay with me and take care of me. When i cant even hold a spoon to eat the porridge u gave me, u is the one who feed me. When the porridge is too hot to eat, u also the one who blow the porridge to make its not hot. U sacrifice your sleep by always change the wet towel and check my temparature. When i vomit because of the medicine, u will be the one who clean it without feel disgust or angry. U willingly do that without need me to asking u to do so.

At that time, i dont feelt afraid of u anymore instead im starting to accept u become part of my life. Accept u to become as my friend. And i promise to myself to take care of you like the way u take care of me. I promise to myself to always be there when u need me. I promise myself to make cheer u and make u happy. And im promise to myself that i will lend my shoulder everytime u need it.


So,my dear jiyeonnie.. Please tell me if u sick okay? Im already broke my promise by not always be with u but at least dont make me broke my promise again by not take care of u like the way u take care of me. Im may be far from u but if u sick or whenever u need me, just tell me. I will try to make myself go there to meet u and be by ur side. Please tell me okay? And dont just keep it to urself. 


Jiyeonnie, here i gave u my latest picture with my friends here. Even i got new friends here, but still it will not be same as u. Even im with them, but in mu heart u will always be my bestfriend. 


P/s : i want your picture.. Cant u send me any? The last time we meet, thats the last time i saw u. Can u send me your picture? At least i can know whether u is different or not compare to our last meet. 

~xoxo
Jieunnie.. 



I cried reading her letter. But im happy coz at least she still care for me like before even we r too far from each other. Of course i still remember the day when i save her and also the day when i take care of her when she got a fever but i juz want to forget about it coz i dont want to remember te things that make me unhappy and seeing my bestfriend sick is not a happy memory to me. 


Jieunnie, thanks coz care about me but how can i trouble u by come here. Even i want u to come here and stay with me but i juz dont have courage to do that. I cant selfish and make u sad by looking at me. How can i tell u that i have sickness? How can i let u watching me laying at my bed everyday with weak body? 


Jieun-ah, im no longer the person u used to know. Im no longer the person who is healthy. Sorry because i cant send u my picture. Otherwise u will know that im sick right now. I lost much weight because of this sickness. I cant eat properly. Im always lost my appetite. But i still act like im ok everytime i talk with u coz i dont want u worry about me. I dont want u fly to here juz because u worried about me. I dont want to be burden to u. I love u too much till i cant let u see my condition. I'm sorry jieun-ah but i promise to u i will take my medicine properly. I will always go checkup so that i can be healthy again and i can meet u again. Not in this form but like the person u used to know. The moment u let go of my hand at the airport, the moment u dissappear from my sight at the airport, i already make a promise to myself to take care of my ownself so that u will not worry about me anymore. Although im failed in take care of myself but in front of u i must act to be healthy. I must..

February 2010

I juz come back from hospital for checkup but what the doctor said make me sad. I dont know how to feel anymore. I wanna cry but i juz cant. My tears already dry. Jieun-ah, i hope u still in here. Stay beside me and cheer me and give support to me. I cant through this alone jieun-ah.. 

God, why u gave this sickness to me? Why? I never felt happiness in my life not until i meet jieun but u also make us separated. The moment she left me, i kinda lost part of myself. My soul is no longer around anymore. But then u gave me this sickness when my bestfriend no longer around. How should i face this alone? How should i? 

What the doctor said make me weak. What the doctor said make me worried that i cant see u again. I want to see u jieun. I want to laugh and cry with u. I want to feel your warm hug again. I want to feel your present beside me. Holding my hand. Holding my face and stare towards each others eyes. I want u to tell me a story and sing lullaby for me to sleep.  But i dont know whether i can have that anymore.  I miss u jieun. Cant u juz comeback here without need me to tell u that im sick? Coz i dont know how to tell u my sickness eventhough u sometimes will ask whether im ok or not. Even sometimes u ask how am i but i juz dont have courage to tell u. Im not strong to tell u that im not okay, im dont have courage to even tell u i need u to stay beside me. I juz can tell u im okay and i dont need u. I juz can tell u i can stand by myself. I juz can tell u im happy here and have many friends but in fact is i dont have any friends and im not okay.

sometimes i juz wanna tell u when we talk or when i replied ur email but then everytime i wrote it in my email, i will always tap del button. I juz write but never have courage to send it. When we talk, when i sometimes wanna tell u i will quickly lost my courage. Again and again. 


January 2012

Its been 5 years since u left me jieun.  I really miss u. Everyday i keep praying that i can meet u before i close my eyes. My condition never better. Its worsen everyday. I dont want to give up with my life even i know i cant live longer. I still try to live alone juz to wait for u to come here and we can meet again. 

March 2012

Today we talk again like usual. We talk almost the same thing everyday. We never get bored talking the same things again and again. U suddenly tell me u will come here next month and u will stay in here. U dont know how happy i am when u said like that but now when im writing in this diary i somehow felt sad coz maybe during that time i will no longer around. We will never spend time together like before. Things will never be same again. 

U said u felt sorry coz couldnt be here with me all this past 5 years. U said u can make it after we meet. We cried together and sometimes we laughed when we talked about our precious memory. we talk and talk until we didnt realise we talked about 3hours. Both of us feel excited to meet next month and u said u will be the one who more excited because i never give u my picture. All this 5 years, u never know how my face looks like. Whether it same or different. I juz can smile when u said that. I still remember when u sulking with me coz i never send my picture to u. Its take 2 days to persuade u. I said i dont want to give u my picture because i want to surprise u. I want u to guess how i looks like. At first u never agree and didnt accept what i said but later u accept it. U said u cant angry to long with me. But im felt happy when u forgive me at that time. Juz remember when u angry and sulking with me juz make me sad. I also cant bear when u angry with me. 

Jieun-ah.. Thanks coz make me happy. Thanks coz stay being my bestfriend even we live too far from each other. Thanks coz still loving me as your bestfriend. Thanks for everything u ever done to me. 

3 April 2012

The past 2 days i got admitted to hospital because i suddenly fainted during at school. I unconcious for two days and i juz gain my concious. The first thing that i did after i gain concious is to check my phone and my email. I got many call from u as well email. All email u send me u said how worried u is because i didnt pick up ur call. I didnt replied ur email. Ur last email u wrote u will come here coz worried of me. I wrote how lately u always dream of me. Dream im asking for ur help. U wrote i cried in your dream and u hug me and suddenly i dissappear in your dream. But then when u wokeup from sleep. Wokeup from the bad dream u encounter, u juz cried silently. Cried because afraid losing me. U afraid i will leave u. Forever.

I cried reading your email. U dont know how much i hurt reading those email. Its not my wish to have this sickness. In fact im always question my self what did i done wrong that make me receive this punishment. What did i do to have this fate? 

I wipe my tears and replied your email. I wrote dont come here early but come like u ur plan. U want to come here around 2 more weeks so i ask u to follow ur plan. I wrote that im okay juz a little bit busy with my study. 

Again, im lied to u. Since i got this sickness, i started to become liar to my bestfriend. I lied to the person who i love and care the most. I lied to the person who always care and love me. I'm sorry jieun-ah coz always lied to u. Im sorry jieun. 

5 April 2012

I still at hospital. Doing my medical checkup everyday without miss. My body felt weak and pain everytime doctor take my blood. But because of u i become stronger. Because i want to look healthy in front of u when we meet make me feel stronger and can stand all those pain. 

But today doctor said something that make me felt really weak. Make me felt numb and blank. 

I stop writing in this precious memory book and then take a few plain paper. I wanna write letter for u to tell u what i should tell before its too late. 



My dearest jieunnie..

U must be surprise when u get this letter. U must be wondering yourself why i send this letter eventhough i know we will meet around 1 week more. But juz let me write and send u this letter when i still have courage to do so. Im always wanting to tell u about this but everytime i tried to tell u, im ending up failed. U must be feeling weird right when suddenly i send u this letter together with my photo. And u must be crying right now looking at my photo. How skinny i am. Im no longer chubby like before instead im too skinny until u can see my cheeks bone by juz looking at photo. U can see how dark my eyes like i never slept but in fact im always got enough sleep. U must be surprised when u cant see happiness from my eyes instead of pain and sadness. U must be shocked right? This is the real reason why i never send u my photo. Guess when i said i wanna surprise u become a reality. U must be shocked and surprise right now juz looking at my photo. U must be asking urself is that really jiyeon? And u also must keep blame yourself coz leave me. Blaming yourself coz u cant be there when i sick and in need. But please jieun-ah.. Dont ever blame yourself. The only person that should be blame only myself. Im the only one who need to seek your forgiveness because always lied to u. I lied to my bestfriend.

I'm sorry coz i cant be honest with u. How can i be selfish by telling u my condition. U are not from rich family and the flight ticket from ur place to here is not cheap. I juz cant trouble u by telling my condition. I cant tell u that i really need u. I juz couldnt n i juz dont want to be burden for u. 

Im sorry coz i lied when i said im okay. 
Im sorry coz i lied when i said im healthy.
Im sorry coz i lied when i said i can stand alone without u being my side.
Im sorry coz i lied when i said im happy in fact im not.

I never been okay after u leave me. 
I never been healthy after u left me.
I cant be alone without u stay beside me.
And i never been happy the moment u let go my hand. 

Jieun-ah,
Im sorry if the moment u come here im no longer with u.
Im sorry if i cant wait for u like i promise before.
Im sorry if we cant meet again. 
But i will promise to u, i will be strong fight this sickness so that i can live more longer and we will meet again. 
I promise to u that i will follow doctor's order, take my medicine on time so that i can live longer. Juz to meet and wait for u. I just can promise that but im not sure whether i can fulfill my promise or not. Lets pray that i can live longer at least until we meet. 

But if its to be destine that we can never meet again, can u promise me that u will live happily? Can u promise me to take care of yourself like u always be? Can u smile when u go to my cemetry? Coz i dont want to see your tears. Its really hurt me when i see u unhappy. Its really hurt me when i see u in tears although i know right now im the one who make u cry. Im sorry again coz make u cry. 

Jieun-ah,

I never felt regret knowing u. I'm happy when we started to become friends. Of course i still remember when the first time i saving u. We didnt know each other but yet i saving u and sacrifice myself. I got injured coz got hit by the thug. But it doesnt matter for me. To be honest, at that time i dont know why i save u. Its just happen. My heart and my mind telling me that i should save u and make u safe. Thats what i did at that time. Even when i got hit at my head, even im being kick at my stomach, but i didnt feel pain at that time. What i feel and think only u. What i care at that time is u. What i worried during that time is your safety. When i fight and gotten hit by the thugs i shouting to u to run but yet u just stand still watching me. Maybe u shocked and maybe u wondering who is me since i cover my face with my hoodie. But then when i felt weak coz of got hit at my head and my stomach but suddenly i got my strength back when i saw the thugs tried to drag u away. Im who laying at the floor lifely suddenly got up and run to u and grab your hand. We run and run until i reach at police station. I dont know where u live and i dont feel confident by leaving u alone in any other place except police station. When we reach there, i let go your hand and i run again. Leaving u all alone but to be honest, im not leaving u alone until i make sure u really safe. I hide behind the three. I juz look at you from far. Even blood already flowing at my head but i still not feel pain. I juz look at u patiently untill i saw u enter to one car. Probably is your family. The moment u enter the car make me happy coz u safe with your family now. After that, i juz feel hurt n slowly i comeback to my home. 
And of course i still remember when u got fever. Even i tell myself to forget about that sad memory but yet my mind keep remembering it because its also the first time u seems to open your heart to accept me to become part of your life. I felt happy because i at least have someone. Thank you because be that person for me. I never regret meeting u. I never regret meeting u and i never regret loving u as my bestfriend.

Jieun-ah,
Please be healthy and be happy. Dont make yourself always in tears. If we r not destine to meet again, just remember our happy memory so that u will be just smiling and laughing when u remember me. I dont want u sad or cry when u thinking about me. I dont want to be the reason why u always sad and cry anymore. When i still alive, im always make u sad and cry but i dont want even after i no longer exist in this world i still make u sad and cry.

If we cant meet in this life ever again, i hope we can meet in our next life but i dont want to be sick and to be a girl. I also dont want u to be sick in the next life. I want to be a man and u become a girl so that i can take care of u with all my heart. And to be fall in love with u. 

~xoxo
Your dearest jiyeonniee.. 

After i finish writing the letter, i quickly put in an envelope and glue it coz im afraid i will change my mind again. I wrote the address and without realising, tears fall again. I dont know how much im cried after i know mu sickness. Then i called a nurse and asking help from the nurse. Im glad that the nurse is good and she willing to help me to post the letter. Her name is eunjung. She is the one who take care of me during at hospital. I called her as unnie. She have short hair and beautiful smile. She always smile in front of me and will give courage and support to me. Sometimes when she saw im cried, she didnt ask me why im cried or said something but she just there. Tap my shoulder and then she will hug me. The warm hug that i got from jieun somehow i can feel in her embrace. The warm hug that i longing for this past 5 years. 

***************************************************************************

Jieun flip again the next page of the diary but none have been written on it. Thats her last word written in the diary. Jieun cry badly when reading whats jiyeon wrote. She feel thankful coz jiyeon really love and cherish her a lot. This is the first time she feel like this. She also never regret meeting jiyeon. But she sad coz she cant be there when jiyeon sick. She cant take care of jiyeon when she sick. 

Jieun close the diary and take a deep breath. She close her eyes thinking and remembering jiyeon with a smile. She smile when she saw jiyeon's smile face in front of her but her tears slowly fall again. 

She open her eyes juz to look at jiyeon laying on the hospital bed with wires and oxigen mask at . She try hold her tears and try smiling in front of jiyeon coz that is what jiyeon ask her to do. To smile. She look helplessly to the person in front of her. Jiyeon looks like exactly the photo that she send her but shes more skinny.


What jieun saw in from of her is not jiyeon. She cant believe that the girl in front of her is jiyeon. For her, jiyeon is a chubby and healthy girl. But what she saw is juz someone who too skinny and too pale. 

She juz cant believe all this while jiyeon manage to lie to her saying that she was okay and healthy but in fact she is not.


Jieun hold tightly jiyeon's hand. She will never let go of that hand ever again like she ever did 5 years ago. If she still hold tightly jiyeon's hand 5 years ago, at least she can take care of jiyeon. At least jiyeon will not suffer so much. Experience all those alone is too much even for her to handle, let alone jiyeon who doesnt have anyone in this world except her. She regret letting go jiyeon's hand but nothing she can do to back to the past. 


Jieun slowly look at jiyeon's face again and touch her cheek. She pray in her heart that jiyeon will awake even juz for a while. Jiyeon want to see her so badly when jiyeon still concious. But now when she already in front of jiyeon, jiyeon juz sleep. Didnt give any hint that she will awake and its have been a week jiyeon like that. 

All this while jieun visit jiyeon, she didnt say anything. She juz silently watching jiyeon. Sometimes she will smile when remembering the happy memory of them together. Sometimes her tears will fall when she look at jiyeon but everytime her tears fall, she will quickly wipe it with her thumb. She do not want jiyeon see her tears. She do not want jiyeon feel sad seeing her tears. 

Everyday, jieun will come visit and sometimes she will bathe jiyeon using wet towel. Eunjung taught her how to bath jiyeon with wet towel. She learn it fast. She softly wipe jiyeon's body with wet towel. Her wipe slowly coz she afraid jiyeon will be hurt and in pain if she didnt carefully wipe jiyeon's body. She sometimes help the nurse change jiyeon's diapers. She didnt feel disgust when she doing that but somehow she felt happy coz she can take care of jiyeon. She feel happy and she can proudly say to jiyeon if jiyeon ever wokeup that she always bathe jiyeon. When she see jiyeon's lip a bit dry, she will wipe wet towel to jiyeon's lip. 


After finish bathing jiyeon she will smile to herself and to jiyeon. All this while she never said any word to jiyeon. She dont know what to say when the first time she look at jiyeon's condition. She become speechless and become mute infront of jiyeon. 

Jieun hold again jiyeon's hand. She brush jiyeon hair carefully and then kiss jiyeon's forehead. She then slowly sit at the chair beside jiyeon. She helplessly look at jiyeon.

"Jiyeonnie, when will u wakeup?"


"Its been a week since i arrive here. I want to see u open your eyes. I finally here jiyeon. Both of us wait for 5 years to meet again and now we meet again although not in a way that i want it to be but at least we still meet. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh jiyeon. Please juz open your eyes one more time."

Jieun wipe her tears which started to fall. She try hard not to cry but she failed. She juz cant smile seeing ijiyeon like that. She juz cant.

"Jiyeonnie, is this is my punishment coz let go of your hand 5 years ago? And now u want to take revenge by leave me alone?"

"Please jiyeon, dont leave me. Even if u want to punish me, juz scold me. Hit me. Slap me. Im willing to accept any punishment from u but not this one. I cant accept this kind of punishment. Please jiyeon. Juz open your eyes and back to healthy and chubby jiyeon again. Back to be the person we used to be. Back to be my bestfriend again."

"Jiyeonnie, please wake up. After this we can talk the whole night without worried about the phone bill anymore. After this we can hang out together. After this we can spend time together again like before. I really miss u. Its never been one day where i didnt think about u. U always in my mind. I always thinking of u even we too far from each other. I always think what did u do now? Did u already eaten? How your school and all those simple thing."

"jiyeonnie, can u wake up now? I know u like to sleep. I know sleep is your hobby but u already sleep 1 week. Its your time to wake up. Did u remember your promise? Our promise when we meet again? U said u will make me breakfast every morning while i will make us dinner. But now only me can cook and u do know i cant cook breakfast well like u. I dont have appetite to eat my breakfast coz im miss to eat the breakfast that u make."

Jieun look at jiyeon's face again and jiyeon didnt show any sign that she will wake up. Jieun sigh. She feel so heartbroken seeing jiyeon like that. How she wish she is the one replace jiyeon or at least let her share jiyeon's pain. Jieun then look at jiyeon's finger. She interwined her finger with jiyeon's finger. She cry silently. Then she look again at jiyeon's face. 

"Jiyeonnie, i will be back now. I will come again tomorrow but make sure u wake up okay? Otherwise i will sulking with u. Promise me u will wake up. Pinky promise"


Jieun then slowly kiss jiyeon's cheeks and forehead. She do not want to leave jiyeon alone again but tonight she have a things to settle. Her heart feel sad leaving jiyeon. She slowly walk to the door and then she look back to jiyeon hoping that jiyeon will call her name and ask her to stop. But when she turn her body to look at jiyeon, jiyeon still same. Jiyeon still laying at her bed. Nothing change.

"I promise i will come tomorrow morning jiyeonnie. I hope and prat u will open your eyes tomorrow."
 

***************************************************************************

Jieun dream of jiyeon again last night. She saw jiyeon with white dress looking so pretty. Jiyeon even pretty compare to past 5 years. Jiyeon become a lady that no one can beat her beauty. In the dream, jieun juz saw jiyeon from a far looking so happy and smile brightly. Jieun afraid to close with jiyeon but when jiyeon notice jieun who juz hide from her, she quickly called jieun. She go to jieun and hug jieun tightly. Jiyeon then let go of jieun and smile to jieun. Slowly jiyeon fade away. Jieun shout jiyeon's name plenty of time and ask and begging jiyeon not to leave her alone but jiyeon juz slowly and slowly dissappeared until jieun cant see even jiyeon's shadow.

Jieun wakeup quickly and shocked with the dream. She afraid jiyeon will really leave her. She look at the watch and its already 7 in the morning. She quickly take a bath and prepare herself to visit jiyeon as usual. 


Jieun come to hospital and go straight to jiyeon's room only to see a few doctors and nurses rushing to jiyeon's room. She wonder why. The dream she got last night playing in her mind now. Her heart beating faster and faster. She afraid jiyeon will leave her. She watch it from far the doctors rushing to jiyeon's room. She didnt have courage to run to the room. Her leg feel weak. Numb. Her tears keep on flowing. She walk with her hand touch the wall. To support her to walk. She walk slowly and pray  in her heart jiyeon will be okay. She even pray that she will gave her own life span to jiyeon. She doesnt care even if she have short lives coz what is matter right now is nothing happen to jiyeon.

She walk slowly and finally she arrive at jiyeon's room. She watch the doctor try to safe jiyeon. She saw the doctor doing cpr with that electrical shock. She dont know what that thing is call. She watch jiyeon's skinny body being pump from that thing. Her tears fall again looking at how that thing tortured jiyeon's body. She cant see it anymore. But juz looking at that make jieun suddenly think, juz let jiyeon died. She do not want to see jiyeon being tortured again with all the equipment and with that thing. Jiyeon must be hurting and in pain right now. Jieun juz wanna run to the doctor and ask the doctor to stop. Stop torturing jiyeon. Juz at least let jiyeon go without feel pain. Let jiyeon go, at least she will not in pain anymore. But her heart telling her not to. Her heart telling her to have faith in jiyeon. Her heart telling her that jiyeon will be okay after this. She and jiyeon juz need to wait a little longer then everything will be okay. Everything will be back to normal again.


Jieun dont know what to do.  Her mind telling her to run to the doctor and ask the doctor to stop so that jiyeon can at least go in peace. But her heart telling her to have faith in jiyeon and to trust jiyeon. She dont know what to do. Her knee become weak and she fall on the floor. She cried and cried. She cant accept what happen in front of her right now. She cant look at jiyeon anymore. She end up looking at the floor while put her palm at her face. She dont know what to do anymore. She dont know what to think anymore. The only thing she know is how she want to live without her bestfriend with her.

"Jieun-ah"

"Jieun-ah"

Jieun cried harder when she hear the voice that she really miss. The voice that she really want to hear all this while. She quickly got up and run to jiyeon's bed. She look at jiyeon who smile at her. She feel happy coz at least jiyeon open her eyes. She quickly hug jiyeon. She hug jiyeon tightly and crying hard. She forget about what jiyeon ask her not to cry infront of jiyeon. She juz wanna cry. Cry not because she sad but cry because she is happy, jiyeon finally open her eyes.


"Thank you jiyeonnie. Thank you coz didnt leave me alone. Thank you"