"hmmm" you managed to let out, unsure of how to really react. This is Lee Hyukjae, super junior's dancing machine, some call him anchovy, jewel boy  -  but, to you, he's your biggest crush in the world and right now He's talking to you in his husky bedroom voice.

 

"That's it?" He puts the book down on his side and puts his hand behind his head. 

 

You tear away away from his bookshelf, momentarily putting into a halt the search for sungmin's book that was somewhere inside hyukjae's pile of mangas and magazines and spoke, "I'm sorry i just don't know where you're getting at". This was the best you could ever do, as nothing is more nerve racking than seeing him like this, on his bed, no makeup and hair disheveled. y just quite can't grasp the being that is a few feet from you and you really hold it in not to unleash the wild fangirl you are when you're alone away from the SJ dorm or with your friends.  He's perfect and you just wish you'd be his miss perfect. you inwardly thought to yourself.

 

Obviously you never had the courage to tell him how you feel. Sungmin, your classmate from college whom you've 

gotten close over the years knows your Hyukjae fantasies but you'd like to believe that he forgot that , as well as your natural fangirl tendencies as he's all about inviting you to the dorm and meet the boys months after knowing each other. Giving one warning, hoping not to come up like a hard to get person, you tell Sungmin the first time he drags you to his car to go to the dorm to finish a presentation you're both due to submit the following day that you're shy, scared, nervous and really really afraid of what might be waiting at the dorm. But Sungmin sure doesn't seem to care, you thought.

 

"You'll be fine!" he pats your back and added "besides Hyukjae is overseas for a shoot with my Kyu so you really don't have to be afraid"

 

"He's safe cos he's away"  you managed to quip. 

 

Meeting the boys the first time was fine, really and you found it more comfortable as your personality jived with each one of them...they liked you, as the leader said after your first encounter with them, thus earning the free pass to go and visit them on lazy days such as these. 

 

"You don't really  talk to me" Hyukjae interrupted your thoughts "We've all been friends for a long time but you never give me much attention like you do with the rest of the members. he said in a downcast voice.

 

Hearing those words, your heart tears into pieces. you never thought you have the ability to hurt him like that. 

God knows you don't hate him. Its just that, you can't really get that friendly with him...knowing how crazy you are for him, and its his close proximity makes you really feel even more that there's no way that your dreams could come true. Hearing those sweet calls he makes and takes in between meals, in the middle of watching movies with the group surely he must have someone special, right?  Its just right to leave him be and leave your fantasies at suju's doorstep and get that protective shield on - for your sake. 

 

"Was it something i did?" he said while sitting up from his bed. You fixed your gaze from him, mustering every courage to just keep it cool and not run and hug him like you would normally do when he's not someone you are aquainted with...when you let your crazy fangirl side out. Examining his face, you can tell that he's really bothered. 

 

Dusting your knees briefly as you stood up, you made your way to the chair in his vanity mirror to sit. you can  feel shivers from your spine at the closeness between you and him - to be honest your really haven't been near him and he being a few inches apart makes you even more nervous. You really haven't got yourself used to his presence,  Hyukjae still sends your butterflies fluttering on your stomach. 

 

"Im sorry, its not that" you start to speak, only finding afterwards that there's nothing much you can say. You looked down at your feet thinking that he'll just accept that fact that this is just how it is. A safe distance between you and him and nothing more - that's how it is going to be for you. Besides, you wouldn't really want to push it and be that girl who takes the opportunity to ruin one good friendship with the boys. You lose hyukjae with a confession of being a  lovesick crazy fangirl and you would lose all of them, especially when he's in a relationship. "Sorry" 

 

"Sorry for what?" his voice calm, yet, searching for answers. "Surely it must be something that i did?"

 

"No absolutely not" you nodded your head reaching out for his knees, if there's something you should avoid in this conversation is him taking the blame.

"If its my feet smelling then its something I'm working on" he chuckled. you gave a small smile,  relieved that he somehow made the situation light. "But seriously, what's wrong with me that you can't even look at me in the eyes or play with me or sit beside me?" He sighed "It's too noticeable to ignore"

"As much as I'd like to say the its not you its me crap because its so applicable, i won't" you chuckled "I know you won't buy it. But let's just agree that there's nothing you did...okay? its just the way it is and i'm sorry"

silence. 

 

more silence

Why can't you just tell him you like him? you conscience begins to shout at you. 

 

bwara mr simple simple......a loud music resonates cutting your monologue once more.

"Yoboseyo?" he got his phone and answered.

 

"OPPA" the lady from other line said so loudly from the speaker for you that familiar voice once more. 

 

"Oh,Annyeong" Hyukjae answered back rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

 

Seeing the opportunity to get away from this awkwardness, you bowed and gave out a muffled "igottago" and made way to the doors.

"Yeah, i'll call you back" you hear him say, followed by that one word that pierced you through. "Saranghae" he told the other person on the other line before throwing his phone on the bed 

Exactly why i have to just keep it all in. you answered back inwardly to your conscience before turning the knob of Hyukjae's room to take your leave.

"Hey we're not yet done" he said from behind you and with a swift motion he slammed the door shut and held your shoulders motioning you to face him.

"Yes we are" you swallowed hard and smiled. Stubborn fellow is stubborn. "Maybe I'm not really good at making friends, okay - sorry" you answered again, this time, in a high pitched voice. You bit your lip and turned back hoping that he would just stop but he's as stubborn as a five year old who wants his ice cream.

"Bull" you hear him say at your ears, his hot breath tickling your neck. "Girls like you act like that for some reason and you can't blame me when i think that you have a thing for me"

you begin to panic internally. You've been so cautious, you've been discreet. What the hell gave you away? Surely it can't be Sungmin, because you made him swear and you had a deal that when he leaks your  secret, you'll feed some Kyumin home videos for the hungry shippers to see. 

You turned around to defend yourself but then you were welcomed by a smug grin on his face. That hurt you. He really didn't want to just resolve the gap that you have. His motive really was to rub it in your face that you're all over him. JERK! your mind screamed. You hated this kind of guys and it wouldn't really make any difference if he's Hyukjae or a man on the street. You wanted to fight back but all you can really do is deny everything and showing him that he's just too full of himself. You won't mind if he's in the mood to bicker, so be it, but rest assured He would not get anything from you. 

"You dont know a thing!" you spat out, giving him a death glare. 

"Jeez, quit it already" he nodded his head in disappointment as he turned his back against you getting something from his shelf. when he turned again to face you, he had in his hand a big book and as he flipped the pages you can see his eyebrow creasing. He gave a lopsided grin when he met your eyes and throwing the book open in his bed for you to see.

 

Your face turned white as if all blood was drained upon what you saw...a fan photobook project you participated two years ago. Lying on the bed was the page where you had a photo of yourself holing a support towel and a short message for his birthday.

 

"I--" you find the right words to say as you switch from looking at his face and the photobook.
You looked at him, wondering what he really want out of this confrontation. Did he want to just hear that you like him to boost his ego? Your face began to feel hot as he inched closer to you, his face was unbelievably becoming close to yours.

"i still have the other books" he said, his breathe intoxicating you. 

"What do you want? Do you want the satisfaction of hearing that I am-" you cut off your trembling words, thinking if you should really continue. As you stare into his eyes you can't help but wish that the floor would eat you up. Also, you'd rather drop dead than give that fix he is hoping for. It rather hurts that its as if he's mocking your admiration for him by torturing you like this.

 

"I'm sorry you don't really know anything" you said, not minding at all that what your saying doesn't make sense at all and you'll just repeart that again and again until he gives up lets you off the hook. Tears betrayed not soon after as one drop escaped after the other as you defeatedly turned so you could just leave. 

You head out to his room, unable to hold back the tears falling. You weren't that strong. Sure you had a high level of self control of not being all fangirly but that's it. You're not numb not to feel the embarassment of what just happened back there, and you couldn't just find the reason to smile that he knows you like him. Not when he has someone special. Saranghae your mind replays how he says that word sweetly to the lady who sweetly calls him Oppa  on the phone.

 

You heard Wookie call you to ask where you're going as you hurriedly stuff some of your things laying on the the couch and into your bag. "I have to go" you muffled...trying so hard to hide your face and cause panic to the eternal magnae. "Bye~~" you waved your hand into his direction , tried to be as gleeful as possible and ran to the door and went straight to the elevator.

 

As you made your way, you suddenly just decided that its best that you go take the stairs because it would , based from experience, probably take forever for the elevator to get to the 11th floor. You sharply  turned around to go to the other direction, only to have your head collide to a toned chest. 

He just wouldn't quit you thought as tears continously streamed. And im so pathetic like this. you resolved.

He backed you to the wall and grabbed your face with his gentle hands and rested his forehead into yours. "Don't cry baby....I'm so sorry" he said before crashing his lips into yours. 

It was sweet and short and you mentally kicked yourself on the fact that when he pulled away, you yearned for more. But he said he was sorry, processing the situation, it felt like you just really handed your heart to him for it to be mangled.  "Stop kissing other people when you're saying i love you to your girlfriend on the phone" you fought back with the ounce of courage you have. 

 

Still not letting go of your face, he chuckled and leaned in to whisper something to your ear, sending chills to your spine.

 

"You know nothing" he said huskily. 

 

"You should know by now that my Noona calls me Oppa" he said while looking at you, his eyes boring deep into your own.  "and if i had a girlfriend i'll bring her here...have you seen anyone with me the past year?"

 

"No" you said while nodding your head.

"Now don't you say i know nothing when i actually do." Hyukjae said

"I--" he leaned himself closer once more causing you to hold your breath.

 

"You", He whispered, your lips dangerously close to each other. "How did you--"

"It doesn't matter" He said "i've read everything you say..I know that you cried when i was going to leave sukira, I know you were ecstatic when I got casted for Fame, I know you were worried that Inkigayo Sunday performance when I fell on my handstand.." he continued "and I know that you love me..and I believe it because you say it everyday and night" 

"I had to keep it all in" you confessed "because i can't take advantage of that  good friendship i have, i cannot ruin the wonderful relationship i have with all of you by telling my feelings for you...its not proper at all...not proper at all as i thought you have a girlfriend" you choked on your own tears "please you don't have to rub it on my face, its hard to keep being composed in front of you guys and most especially to you-" you begged.

"Well you didn't really do a good job holding it all in on twitter...that, or i really did a good job stalking you" he said and kissed you on the cheek.

 

"Tell you something you don't know" he said giving you the sweetest smile. 

"Ne?"  You looked into his eyes every bit of self defence crumbling in front of him.

"You don't know how crazy in love I am with you" he whispered softly before meeting your lips with his. 

Ignoring the whys and the hows, you pulled him closer and kissed back as passionately as possible, loving the feeling of his perfect plump lips into yours, leaving for later the thought of how did your wildest dreams just come true.