I was watching the porcelain doll slowly fall from the table on which it was seated on. It was falling so slowly, making my head spin, and as the doll kept getting closer to the floor, it seemed to be get even slower. Suddenly, the porcelain doll stopped, and the whole room started quickly exploding with dark colors of purple, red, and black. The colors kept disappearing, re-appearing, and exploding so quickly, but now were also joined by loud screams, shouts and gasps of terror that made me feel so dizzy and terrified. It was going on so quickly and everything was getting more, and more intense by the second making my head feel so heavy and hard. I started screaming my lungs out, so I opened my eyes and in shock, and everything stopped, but now I found myself in a very cold, sinister, and dark place. I was feeling so light, as if I was floating like a balloon. I turned around just to see myself staring at a mirror which wasn’t reflecting me, but instead an image of me in a room holding the porcelain doll during daylight. I heard a low titter behind me that made me turn around, and once again a mirror appeared reflecting me in a room holding the porcelain doll during nighttime. Randomly the same porcelain doll appeared on top of me slowly falling once again, however this time I cough it in my hands, and I turned to see the mirrors, but nothing changed. I heard a really loud crack, and I looked above thinking the sound came from there, but nothing actually changed; however, I looked at the doll and I saw that it’s head had a crack on it, so was the loud cracking noise from the doll? In the blink of an eye, the whole dark place, all at once, cracked so quickly and loudly making my head explode as if it were a volcano, and I felt pieces of glass cutting through me from every part of me. I was in so much pain, and so I started screaming so bad!

I hit my head so hard on the pavement, and gasped, quickly pushing myself upward for air. I heard the big metal door behind me opening loudly with a whack, and I turned around to see the nurses coming in. “Dawn what’s wrong?” said one of the nurses rushing toward me. “She’s bleeding from her nose!” another one said while pulling me up. “Did you have a bad dream again?” said the third one, and I nodded. They took me out of the room, toward the bathroom, and I watched the dark hallway in silence, but it was so hard to see anything because there were barely any lights on. The pain in my nose started getting worse, and disgust filled me when I started feeling the blood flowing in my nose slowly. They opened the bathroom door, turned the lights on, and pushed me forward to the sink where they started the water and helped me clean my nose. “Ahh…” I moaned. My nose was feeling so refreshed, and the pain was already decreasing. “I’ll take it from here, thank you.” I said. “Are you sure Dawn?” one of the nurses said and I nodded. They left the bathroom telling me to go back to bed when I was done. Once they left I blew the blood out of my nose, and now the sink was filled with my blood, which was so dark, and wet. The bleeding stopped, and I started washing the blood away from my face. The freezing water gave me goose bumps, and my whole body started shaking. I finished cleaning the sink and started drying my face with the towel. When I was done drying, I threw the towel down and stared at myself in the mirror. What was that? Ugh, I keep having these strange dreams… I think I’ll consult with my psychologist about it tomorrow. I left the bathroom and went back to my room. The hallway this time seemed even darker, and I could hear snoring sounds, water dropping and obviously my own footsteps; however I could manage finding my way to my room. As I enter my room, I heard a terrifying shout from the room next to mine that quickly made me rush to my bed in shock, climbed inside it, and covered myself with the soft, warm sheets that made me feel at rest

I woke up in the morning because of the loud bell, and looked outside my window. The sky was depressed, and of a dark gray which matched perfectly with the saddening gray and white colors of this place. I got out of my bed, and changed my clothes into the everyday white gown, and looked in the mirror fixing my long, brown hair. I was then headed to the bathroom which was filled with other patients, so I waited in line for my turn. There were women in the back shouting for people to move faster, other women were shoving in front, and others were being helped by the nurses to wash their faces, use the toilet, or both. Right in front of me was a young girl, about 16, named Emma. Her hair was a jungle of red curls, with pale skin and light green eyes. She has some big anger problems, and I know she tried getting out from here like 10 times already, but always ended up failing because of her anger. I was seriously just waiting for her to get mad because she has been waiting for too long. One, two, three, four, five, six– “Ahh! Come on already!” Emma shouted in a loud tone, and with a roar started running, and shoving three girls in front of her, pushing them out of the way and onto the ground. She ended up behind a grandma who was being helped by a nurse, but she still shoved them both and entered the bathroom. Oh God, she always made such a fuss every day! I passed the girls on the ground quickly, and entered inside the first bathroom I found. This toilet reeked of death, and I held my breath until I finished everything I had to do. When I finished, I threw the toilet paper I used in the bin and I gasped aloud. The bin was full of blood and a knife…No wonder it reeked of death. I got out of the toilet dashing to the first empty sink I could find. I was washing my face and hands when a black women and a young girl started fighting so hard behind me, throwing each other on the ground, and scratching each other. The nurses finally come to stop them and they both resisted as much as they could. Sigh. I dried my hands as quickly as possible and I got out of the bathroom rushing, heading straight to the cafeteria.

On my way there Nurse Andy was passing by me and I waved hello to her, and so did she. “How are you Dawn? Any bad dreams?” she asked me with concern in her voice while I was passing by her.  Her dark skin looked as beautiful as always, and her black hair was perfectly tied up in a ponytail. “Yeah, but it wasn’t anything big.” I said with a sigh. She smiled and left. She was probably the nicest nurse in here. I reached the cafeteria, and there were already people eating and sitting, so I grabbed a plate, and put a cheesecake in the middle of it, dripping some blackberry jam on it. I found the closest seat to the door and sat down. Ah, it was heavenly. When I was done eating the cheesecake I headed back to the bathroom. This time there were less people, but the stink was still there. I got to the first sink I found, took my toothbrush out of my pocket, brushed my teeth and got ready to go to the campus.

In this hospital there’s a huge campus, surrounded by a huge fence, and outside this fence a big field of flowers and trees which leads to a forest. This campus is the best place in this whole hospital because it has a flower aroma which is so sweet and fills your lungs, refreshing your body and mind. We’re supposed to relax, look at the nature and beauty around us, play or do anything else. Luckily, I’m a pretty good patient, so my degree of freedom is pretty high compared to the other patients. This high degree lets me go to the library and read a lot of books, watch as much TV as I want, and also ditch the playground and hang somewhere else, which is what I do most of the time. It is strange, but I’m sure the reason of my freedom is because I’m practically a sane person unlike the rest. I entered the campus and the sweet aroma refreshed me making me feel light headed, and I sat down on a bench close to the fence. My mind enters a state of grace every time I come in this campus, but then, as usual, I get pulled back to reality by the patients that slowly fill the campus with their loud screams and voices. I stood up and started for the main building. Luckily, I’m one of the few that can go there because of my degree of freedom, which I’m grateful for.

The main building was always much calmer and nicer then the patient building. It has nice, simple colored furniture; walls with nice wallpapers, certificates, pictures and so on. It has a nice, calm feel to it. As I entered, the calm aura in the building got to me, and calmed me as usual. I guess it was normal feeling this even if I entered the main building a thousand times because of the differences it has to the patient building. As I was strolling down the corridor, I pass by the entrance door; an elegant, big door with a classy golden knob. How I wish I could just leave this place through that door, it would be so good for me. My whole body started getting dreamy and I started thinking about me actually passing through that door, and it made me feel so joyful and light headed. However, it was pretty much impossible right now… But still, someday I won’t be caged in here anymore. I was going ahead now, into another corridor with big majestic windows that revealed the outside world. I got closer to a window and I could see the nice entrance of this hospital that led to a gracious fountain that was sprouting sparkling water all around. It was a pleasant sight, and I just wish the inside would be the same. Anyway, I should stop being so dreamy, and so I started going faster into another corridor. In this corridor there’s a brown, cute bird-house clock attached on a brownish wall and the time just hit 10a.m, which is the time for me to see my psychologist. As usual, the bird didn’t come out of the house, and it has been that way ever since I got in this place. I wonder if she’ll come out soon… I fastened my pace, and climbed a long, twisting staircase that got me to the third floor. The aura around was still calm. I walked to the third door and knocked once. “Come in!” said Dr. Troy. I opened the door, and said hello and Dr. Troy said the same. His room was always calm and relaxing, and his cologne makes the room smell so lively. He was a tall man, with brown eyes, and brown hair which was pulled back by gel. I sat down on the brown sofa in the center of the office. “How have you been dawn? Any bad dreams?” he said. I started telling him about my dream last night, and all he said was that maybe the doll was something precious to me long time ago, and I just nodded in agreement. “Anyway doctor. I’ve been reading a lot lately–” he interrupted me saying “I know. I saw your file of books borrowed. How come you’re reading so much about amnesia and dreams?” he frowned.  “Well, I obviously want to learn more about amnesia, and–” I quickly paused at the sight of his questioning look, and then continued.  “I’ve wanted to ask you why I’m in here actually.” I finally said, and he now had a confused look. “What do you mean?” I started “Well, I have amnesia, which is a loss of memory that can be gained or not. Both ways I can live a good life, so there is no actual need of me being in here.”

“Dawn. You were put in here because you have no other place to be in. After you had amnesia, you forgot everything. You didn’t even know where your phone was, so there was no way we could contact people for you. We even tried a DNA test, but no alive matches were found. You were left all alone, and we came here and made this place a home for you. It is not the best place to be in obviously, but you’re surviving, and till you recover or remember something you have to stay in here.” He said. God, that was sudden. I slowly swallowed his words in. “Maybe you could give me my file, it might help me remember something!” His look now changed to one of disbelief.  “I can’t do that; files can’t be given to patients no matter what.” He said, “But–” he interrupted me again “No buts Dawn. This is it.” Whoa, I felt really bad; I guess this wasn’t our best conversation... Anger filled me up like a poison, and to calm down I stared at the floor intensely feeling the soft wool of the carpet beneath me with my ballerinas. “Anything else you want to talk about?” he asked, and I stood up, told him no, and thanked him for his time. I got outside of his office, and even the aura of the building couldn’t calm me down right now. I knew that there was no way this is right! Even though I have amnesia, this doesn’t make sense! Why am I here? Ugh, why isn’t anybody actually helping me!? I’m sure there was something I needed to know, and I’m definitely not going to lose hope right now. That was the only thing that kept me going.

I needed to calm down; this anger won’t do me any good! I was sure going to the library will help me think this through. I started walking to the library, recalling the conversation with Dr. Troy. My file…I’m positive that if he’d let me read it we could find out something about my past. I looked in front of me and realized that I already reached the library. Guess I was too lost in my thoughts.  I entered and saluted the people inside, and so did they. The library is so big, and filled with probably a thousand books. All in all it was a pretty comfortable place. It has the calm aura which all of the main building has. As usual I headed myself to the amnesia section, and then quickly to the dreams section. I sat down at a table and started flipping the pages angrily. Ugh, there was nothing I could learn from these amnesia books, I already know what I need to know. I crossed my arms on the table and leaned my head on them. Sigh. What am I going to do? God… After a while, I stretched, straightening my back, and hopelessly reached for the dream book and flipped the pages slowly, searching for anything new. Huh? I said a loud, and then looked around to see if anyone heard me. I found a small section in the book called Lucid Dreaming which I haven’t seen before. I started reading about it, and after a while I realized my jaw has dropped. Oh my God, I was in pure shock, this is incredible! Lucid Dreaming, the ability to be asleep with a small part of your mind awake; therefore, seeing your dreams. I can’t believe this. This could help me a lot. If I could be able to see my dreams, I could get a lot of information, and since a person with amnesia can recall the past through dreams, seeing the whole dream would be even better! My whole body started shacking with emotions, and then I squeaked with excitement!

I stood up, took the book and rushed to the librarian so I could borrow the book. I got outside of the library and I was running toward my room as fast as I could. However, on my way some people were working on something next to the wall and they caught my attention, so I stopped and peeked to see what they were doing. Apparently they were fixing the bird-house clock, and at that moment the tiny, adorable, pink bird chirped nicely and got out of the bird-house and then back in. I smiled and then started rushing to my room again. Once I got in my room I sat down and read more about Lucid Dreaming, and how to be able to do it. I finally understood how to be able to see your dreams. First I have to lie down for at least thirty minutes, but I have to stay still like a log. No sudden movements, no itching, no opening my eyes, no switching sides. Second, after thirty minutes have passed I should be feeling a strong weight on my chest and weird noises coming out of nowhere. When that happens, the third and final step has to be done. I open my eyes, and I’ll be in dream paralysis, seeing nothing but black, so all I have to do is to strongly pull myself up and then I’ll be floating in my own dream. Okay… here it goes!

I could tell I’ve been lying down for half an hour because I suddenly felt pressure on my chest; a pressure so intense that made me feel crushed like a peanut. Then suddenly, silent whispers started making my head feel dizzy and my chest hurt even more than it was hurting before. I now tried to pull myself up, but I quickly and painfully fell back down. Ugh, the pressure was so strong and made me feel so heavy. I tried more, and more, and more, but it all seemed to be going in vain. I couldn’t find the strength to pull myself up anymore and the pain in my chest was killing me now. Felt so weak, so light, and so scared. This darkness surrounding me gave me shivers, and I felt so alone. I felt as if my whole world stopped. The pain started spreading everywhere and I moaned with pain, trying to breathe. I couldn’t take this anymore– “Dawn wake up!” I felt a strong smack on my hip and I wake up seeing Nurse Andy right in front of me. I gasped for air and quickly put both my hands on my throat massaging it, and I started to cough heavily. “Dawn, what’s wrong?!” yelled Nurse Andy. “Ah, I’m fine…” I said while trying to catch my breath. She stared at me in confusion, and I explained to her what I was doing and why. She had a look of shock on her face but later faded away. “Dawn, Lucid dreaming is so dangerous! I tried it with my friends and only one of us was able to actually able to do it. The rest of us got stuck in a paralysis until the other friend woke us up.” She said. “It takes you several times to be able to actually see your dreams, and if you don’t it’s a really horrifying experience.” She added. I felt like she took all hope from me now. I had nothing to do anymore, because I’m definitely not going to try this again. Sigh. “Anyway, I have to do some chores now, see you later Dawn.” She stood up, and waved goodbye. Wait a second… I can actually keep trying to have a Lucid Dream, and Nurse Andy could be helping me! If I get caught in a dream paralysis she can pull me back to reality! “Wait!!” I yelled before she left. She looked back with a confused look “Please Nurse Andy, you can help me!” I said. “What do you mean Dawn?” she asked questioningly. “You see…” I explained my plan, and she nodded silently. “Well we could try, but how will I know if you’re caught in a paralysis?” she asked. “Was I doing anything when you came in?” I asked. “Yeah, you were coughing lightly, and then it got so much worse!” she said. “That’s it! If I cough or do anything similar just wake me up!” I said, but I saw a frown forming in her face. “Please Nurse Andy!” I begged. “Fine, but it’s not my fault if anything happens to you!” she said. I smiled and reassured her, I was sure now I could be able to make it.

I’ve been trying Lucid Dreaming over and over again in one week with the help of Nurse Andy, and finally I’m able to do it. Last afternoon we tried, and I was able to lift myself out from my body, and I ended up floating in a dream. The dream started silently, and an image seemed to be forming, but I was pulled back to reality by Nurse Andy because she had someplace else to be. However, tonight I was ready and determined to try it on my own. I finished my dinner, chicken noodles with spice, and then I quickly ran to the bathrooms. I entered an empty shower, and turned the warm water on. I enjoyed the feel of the warm water and I moaned silently with pleasure. Then I grabbed the shampoo, and rubbed my hair with it. Afterwards, I got the soap and rubbed my body with it, quickly cleaning myself. I went under the strong jet of warm water and washed myself clean. Then I quickly got out and brushed my teeth on the first sink I found. When I was done I started walking toward my room. I couldn’t concentrate on anything around me because I was nervous, and filled with worry. What if something goes wrong and I can’t pull myself up? Sigh. I looked ahead of me and saw that I already reached my room. I paused for a second before opening the door, and felt frightened. I gulped. This is something very important that I have to do, so I’m going all the way, I promised myself I won’t back down. I opened the door, and closed behind me. This is it. I walked all the way to my bed and laid down closing my eyes for a while… I started feeling the pain on my chest, and the whispers slowly began. I quickly opened my eyes, and started pulling myself up as strong as I could. Ugh, the pain was getting stronger and stronger by the second, but I didn’t hold back and so I pulled myself up with one last effort and there I was.

My body was floating in pure darkness for seconds making me feel as light as a feather, and suddenly I felt a breeze hitting me from the right side that gave me the chills. I turned to see where it was coming from, and I spotted a small, white, glowing sphere in the distance. I floated toward it, and once I reached it I realized that the breeze was coming from within this sphere. I got closer so I could feel what it was, but when my fingertip touched it the sphere grew enormous in less than a second and quickly me in, I tried to resist but there was nothing I could hold onto. A strong white light flashed right in front of my face and started slowly fading away a few seconds later. I heard footsteps right behind me and turned to see someone pass right through me. I started following that girl that was running, and I realized I was following her in a park late at night. She was running as fast as she could and then I heard shouts behind me, and once I turned I saw police officers running after the girl. I gasped and looked back at the girl, but the image changed. I was now in a room with a man; he was around the age of fifty I guess. Next to him was the same blonde girl I was chasing a few seconds ago. The room was small, and nice, it made me feel at rest. They seemed to be arguing so I got closer to hear their conversation. “Dawn!” he said and I gasped in shock. Was that blonde girl me? “Please work even harder, we need more money to be closer to the way we used to live–” he was interrupted. “No dad, that’s the way you used to live, and be grateful because I’m trying my best to live to your expectations!!” she said and rushed to her room. Her room was cute, and full of sweet decorations with colors of baby pink, light green, and violet. I followed her in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. That man was my dad, and this is me, outside of the hospital. I reached closer to embrace the old me, but at the same time the old me started sobbing, and I stared at her in confusion. “Ugh” she said. Then she stood up, and went to a big, light pink colored wardrobe and opened it. She then opened a shelf inside it and searched angrily for something. Out of the blue she takes out a small notebook, and sits back on her bed, grabs a pen and starts shuffling the pages. It seemed that was a diary. Oh, my diary… I got closer to take a look at it and she found an empty page and started writing on it. ‘Father again begged me to get more money, but he doesn’t get it that I’m already working three different jobs just because of him?! Ugh!’ I read. Then she stood up and went to her mirror where a glass of water was there, and took a sip from it. I realized that on the mirror’s table, there was a porcelain doll, the same porcelain doll I saw in my dream some weeks ago. As the old me put the glass down, she quickly turned around hitting the porcelain doll with her hand by mistake, causing it to fall and crack. We both gasped, and as she was leaning down to clean up the image changed and I was in a dark apartment. I couldn’t really tell what was around me, but I was able to hear sounds from a place close by.

I started walking, and passed a few doors in the apartment, until I reached a corridor that had a door at its very end. I could tell the lights were fully in the room so I approached it. I passed through the door and then fell back on it leaning on it for support. I was in shock and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was on the bed, and two big, muscular guys were groping me, from the front and behind. I stared in shock tearing up while the old me was with pleasure. I opened the door and shut it right behind me. I then fell to the ground, and held my knees with my arms sobbing. I wanted to wake up from this, it was the worst Lucid Dream I could ever hope for! Some minutes later the door behind me opened and I saw the old me passing by, and stuffing some money in her backpack. I stood up and rushed to the old me, and walked by her, staring at her in disbelief. That same second her phone started ringing, and she pulled out a white phone that showed ‘310-556-9088’ was calling “Daisy?! What the hell do you want? I told you I was going to be busy tonight, so leave me alone today.” And she hung up. Three, ten, fifty-five, six, ninety, eighty-eight, I repeated in my head so I could memorize it. As she got in the elevator I could see what the old me was wearing. A tight leather costume, with tight, knee-length black boots. I couldn’t believe I was actually like this… The phone rang again, this time showing Private was calling, and the old me answered “Yes. I am going there right now.” She said, and hung up the phone. Suddenly the a new image was slowly forming, and then a loud scream made me turn around, and I fell to the ground, covering my mouth while tears started dripping down my face. The old me was on top of a woman, both covered in blood, and with a gun that the old me was pointing at the woman’s face. The old me tittered and shot. I covered my eyes and my face, and I started crying loudly, not wanting to see what was happening. However, again I heard footsteps and I peeked with just one eye and realized I was back in the park and the old me was running away. I shook the shock off and stood up, running after the old me. Again, I saw the police following the old me. However, the old me reached a dead end; a brick wall was blocking her way. She tried climbing it but quickly fell down. And as she turned I saw the dead look in her eye, which made me wake up in a cold, dark place. I heard screams and shouts behind me and as I turned I saw two of me fighting. What was happening? They were both wearing identical long, majestic, fairy dresses, but one was white and the other was black. They were hitting each other with full power, and I watched them toss fists at each other that were making them both bleed. I quickly ran in between them trying to stop them from killing each other, but I ended up in front of the old me who was on her knees, head bowed low, and pressing her whole palms on her head. I was once again in the dead end with the old me, and the police officers reached us! I faced the old me and she started screaming loudly, holding her head from both sides. One of the officers approached her with the gun, and poked her with his foot while she was screaming. She then stopped and started breathing heavily, and as soon as she looked up to him her hands dropped and the two me that were fighting before appeared right on top of her, both of their fists on each other’s face. They then both flew to the ground, and I saw the old me fall face front on the ground. Everything started suddenly shaking, but I was the only one feeling it. I got into the ground and I started yelling aloud. My whole body was falling and I was reaching pure air with my arms trying to stop myself from falling but nothing was working. I shouted on top of my lungs.

I woke up because of the bell and I started breathing heavily. I slowly tried to catch my breath, and when it was close to normal I looked around, and realized I was back in my room. Sigh. The dream ended, thank God. I gulped, and everything I saw in the dream was flashing right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t believe what dream I just saw.  What happened to me? I didn’t even check myself in the mirror; I just put my ballerinas on and ran off to find Nurse Andy. I had to tell her what I saw! I passed the bathroom and saw her helping a nurse bandage a patient that fell. I ran up to her, grabbed her and before she could even say I word I exploded in tears “Dawn?! What’s wrong?!” she said confused and worried. I calmed myself as fast as I could and told her my dream, every single detail. Her jaw dropped as I was telling her what I saw… “Oh my god… Maybe it was just a bad dream?” she said. “Impossible. I saw way too many shocking things, and I’m sure they mean something! I even saw my father…” I paused, and she hugged me. I really needed more answers! As she was hugging me, the cellular number I saw in my dream came in my head. What if I called it?! I could talk to that person and find more answers. I quickly removed her from me and told her to come to my room directly. As we headed there I remembered what the old me was doing, and regret, anger, and sadness filled me up; however, I took it all in and accepted it since there was nothing I could do now, but to learn more about myself. We reached the room, and once inside I made sure that no one was near my door. “Nurse Andy, please I need your help once more!” I said. “What do you need?” she replied. “In my dream I also saw someone calling my old self, and I memorized the number quickly in case I needed it. I need to call it!! I’m sure I could learn more about it!” I said. She frowned “Dawn you know it’s against the hospital’s policies for patients to call from cell phones, unless in case of a recovery.” She said. “I know, but it would be so good for me, and you know I’m a sane person!” I said. I looked at her as she moved her gaze at the floor thinking intensively. “Please Nurse Andy! You already helped me to this point! I would do anything–” she interrupted me “Okay, okay Dawn. I’ll do it. No word of this should go out of this room, okay?” she said. I felt a wide grin forming on my face, and she smiled back hugging me, and told me to wait here for her. She left the room, and so I waited for her to come back. I felt so good, my whole body was filled up with happiness and joy, and I leaned on my bead looking out the window. Finally I am able to do something for myself…

I heard a light knock on my door, and I turned around, seeing Nurse Andy coming in. She came closer to me and motioned me to stand by the window and opened the window all the way. She took her pink cellular out and handed it to me “Okay, be quick I’ll guard the door for you.” She said with a nervous look and left outside. Okay, here it comes. I quickly dialed the number ‘310-556-9088’ on the phone and called it. It was ringing. I felt my heartbeat louder, and faster with every ring. “Hello?” a sweet voice said. “Daisy?” I asked. “Yeah, this is me. Who’s speaking?” she asked. Nervousness filled me, and words could hardly come out of my mouth. I gulped. “D-Dawn. It’s me, Dawn.” I said. I heard the sweet voice gasp through the phone. “What?! Dawn?! How are you? Where have you been?! I missed you so much! I asked your dad but he didn’t tell my anything!” I started tearing up. I couldn’t believe that I was actually talking to someone that I had a past with, and that my dad wasn’t truly dead. “Where are you Dawn?” she asked. “Can you come to me?” I asked. “Yeah sure, where though?” she asked. “Beverly Hills Mental Institute, but do not mention anything about me calling.” I said. The line was silent but I could hear her breathing. “Sure okay.” She said and hung up. I closed the phone too. Maybe she was shocked to hear where I was. I motioned Nurse Andy to come in. “What happened?” she asked. I told her our small conversation, and she smiled. She left five minutes later because she had some duties to attend to. I realized I missed breakfast, but I still went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. Then spent my time in the campus hoping Daisy would show up.

After lunch I was headed to the library, when Nurse Andy grabs me “She’s here.” She said with a smile. My whole body jolted with happiness and excitement. I felt so relieved and joyful, and held Nurse Andy’s hand tightly. We reached the main entrance of the main building, and there I saw a dark, cute skinned girl that looked like she was around my age. She wore a white tank-top with light, blue skinny jeans, a black leather jacket, and nice leather boots. Her nails were dark red, and hair was tied in a small ponytail. She also carried a small black leather hand-bag. She was talking to Dr. Troy with a worried look on her face. As I approached she saw me and gave the sweetest grin ever while rushing toward me. “Dawn!” she cried out loud hugging me. “How you been?” she asked and I said fine. Dr. Troy asked Daisy how did she find out of me and said that she searched everywhere for me and even decided to come look here. Dr. Troy nodded and said he had some patients to be with, and left me in care of Nurse Andy, who took us in the patient visiting room, and told us that we didn’t have a lot of time. “Dawn what happened to you?” Daisy asked in a confused tone. “I don’t know Daisy, I have amnesia.” I said. She tried to say something but she was too shocked to let the words flow. “You know who I am right?” she asked questioningly. I told her how I found out about her from my dream and then I called her right away with Nurse Andy’s help. “Anyway, can you…” I started asking. “Go on.” She said with her sweet voice. “Can you tell me what kind of person I was before?” I asked. She nodded and started telling me of what a nice, smart, clumsy, humble and fun person I was. I started tearing up from the things she was telling me, and she stood up to hug me. She kept telling me more and more, and then “… but when your father came… Everything changed…” she said. She started explaining how he affected me, and how I started sleeping less and less and she had no way of helping me. She told me how when I was with her during collage, work or outside we would be having so much fun, but once I get home I would reject her completely… Nurse Andy then said that we passed the time limit already, but Daisy wanted to say one more thing. “Here,” she said, and handed over a little notebook, the same one I saw the old me writing on. “It’s your diary. Well I mean was, but it might help you remember stuff. I found it under my bed two weeks ago, so I guess it would be better giving it to you.” She said. Nurse Andy approached us and took the diary putting it in her pocket. “I’ll hold this till we reach your room Dawn.” She said and I nodded. We went outside the patient visitor room and Daisy hugged me tightly, and so did I. “I hope you’ll recover soon Dawn.” She said and left. I watched her as she easily passed the main door into the outside, and now I hoped soon I would be able to do just that. Nurse Andy then took me to my room and gave me the diary. We stuck it in between the metal that was holding the mattress. Later that night, I grabbed the diary and read, read, read, and read.

The next morning I was on my way to having breakfast. I was remembering everything I read in that diary, and I felt as if I knew a part of me which I didn’t know before. I stared at the cereals I was eating, and the conversation I had long ago with Dr. Troy came back to my mind. The file… I really needed to see that file. I felt as if most of my recovery depended on it. I saw Emma across the cafeteria and she looked pretty peaceful, but then a little girl accidently bumped into her, and Emma turned angrily and kicked that girl three feet away. Sigh. Emma was insane. The nurses then quickly came to solve the problem and everything seemed to quiet down. I stood up and went to the bathrooms to brush my teeth, when I was done I felt like napping so I headed to my room. I passed Emma’s room and then I paused right in front of it. Emma, I giggled. She can help me get the file. The most brilliant idea formed in my mind and developed into a well-made plan. My body shivered with excitement, and so I checked the surroundings seeing if anyone was there. Lucky me, this corridor was deserted right now. If I messed Emma’s room up she would go nuts, and in that same minute I’d go in there asking her what happened and she would probably just shove me. This would make the nurses come and I could run to Dr. Troy and tell him what she did and that she shoved me; therefore, he might leave me behind in his office and it’s then that I could snatch the file away. I gulped. There’s only one chance for me to do this and I couldn’t mess it up, if it doesn’t work I don’t know what could happen to me. I entered Emma’s room and quickly began making a mess; I threw her covers on the floor. Shoved the mattress away, and put the bed upside down. I found a water bottle and spilled the water all over the floor and her things, including the pajamas. I silently got out of the room, and closed the door behind me. I walked all the way to my bedroom, and waited at the door for Emma to appear in the distance. About ten minutes passed and I could see Emma coming toward her room directly from the campus. I started walking toward her room, and I passed by her the exact moment she entered it. I heard her gasp, and entered the room faking my surprise. “Oh, my God! What happened in here Emma?!” I said. She turned around, and her face turned red as a tomato. She was buzzing with anger and then, all at once, let the rage control her and came at me shoving me five feet away, and I flew smashing my back on the wall. I cried out loud, and the pain made me flinch for a second. I saw the nurses rushing toward us. When Emma came out of her room and saw them coming she quickly started running toward them and hit them all one by one. More and more people started coming and now it was my chance to get to Dr. Troy. I stood up, and ran as fast as I could toward the main building. Forgive me Emma, but I had to do this. Once I reached the main building, I didn’t pause a second, and kept running as if my life depended on that file. I climbed the twisting staircase an ended up on Dr. Troy’s floor. When I got to the door he was already getting out, and I grabbed him, trying to catch my breath. “Dawn what’s wrong?!” he said. I told him what happened with Emma, and how she violently aggressed me for no reason at all. I also told him that they needed his help there, and so he quickly started running to the patient building.

He didn’t seem to have noticed that I purposely stayed behind, and so he kept going. I looked around me to see if anyone was around, and entered his office. I quickly ran to the big file drawer in which he kept all the files. I opened it to the ‘A’ section, then jumped further to the ‘F’ section, and finally back to the ‘D’ section. I was moving the files apart as quickly as possible and I passed many names, eventually reaching my own. I closed the drawer and then sprinted to the printer all the way on the other side of the office. I started the machine, and started printing the papers, one by one. I felt so nervous, and started sweating a lot. I could feel the sweat drops falling down quickly from my face, and then rushed to the door to see if anyone was coming. When I saw no was in sight I went back and quickly finished everything I had to. My heartbeat stopped when I started hearing quick footsteps coming, I fixed everything so fast, and ran back to the drawer putting my file in there, and stuffed the printed papers underneath my gown, and I felt the warm papers against the skin of my tummy. I sat down as if nothing was going on. “What are you doing here?” said a nurse, and I looked at her, faking my confusion. “Oh, I’m waiting for Dr. Troy, he called me here but I don’t know where he is.” I said. “Well, he should be coming soon.” She said and left. When her footsteps were gone, I ran out of the office and headed for my room. I was holding the papers inside my gown with my hands from the outside tightly and it was working, however I was about to trip on the stairs but I quickly managed to jump back on my feet. When I reached the base floor, I sprinted for the patient building, but I saw Dr. Troy pulling Emma forcefully in my direction. I gasped and jumped for cover behind a sofa. The minute they passed I froze for five minutes until they reached the stairs, and then started running as fast as the wind. I ran, and ran, and when I finally reached the patient building I slowed my pace since everything seemed to be calm. I then slowly walked to the corridor of the rooms and reached my room. When I entered, I took the papers out and stuffed them next to my diary in between the metal holders of the mattress. I did it! I was able to get the files, finally. This went really well, lucky me. I sighed with relief and laid down on my bed to relax.

Later that night after my shower, I was headed to my room, and anxiousness filled me the closer I got to it. I had no idea what that file said about me, but I had to read it no matter what, and now nothing was going to stop me. I reached my room and scanned the surroundings. Everyone was simply going to their rooms, and so I entered closing the door behind me. Sigh. I slowly went to my bed, bent down, and took the file out silently. I stared at it for a couple of minutes, worrying about what I was going to find out. Then with another sigh, I climbed on my bed under the cover sheets and turned the little lamp on the bedside table on, and started reading. I saw my picture on the right corner of the first page, and checked the two papers slowly.

Name: Dawn Clark

Parents: Charles Clark & Ann Clark

Date of birth: January 15, 1986

Date of Entrance: February 3, 2011

Age of Entrance: 23

Current age: 24

Reason(s) for Entrance: DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder).

Explanation: Dawn was brought in with a serious level of amnesia. She showed strong signs of DID that her father agreed to. It was also stated by the father that one of the personalities was a gentle and humble girl, the probable host; however, the other one called herself Kane, who was a malicious serial killer, thief, and e who took over the probable host at certain periods of time. Her father also explained that the week before she was taken to Beverly Hills Mental Institute, she was changing between the personality states quite often and quickly, forgetting her actions as she swapped. Cause of DID was and is still unknown.

I stared at the first paper in disbelief…This wasn’t possible. A tear came streaming down my face, and I wiped it. My mind couldn’t think of anything else but the words I just read. DID, DID, DID kept crossing my mind. I continued reading the second paper to know it all, but my heart felt like it was going insane. I had no idea I was like this, and I could still be?

Recovery (if possible): Unknown.

Explanation (by Dr. Troy): After a one year stay at the Beverly Hills Mental Institute there have been no signs of DID in Dawn at all. However her amnesia state was still in question. It is normal in DID cases that the personality states fight for domination within the unconscious; however, both of Dawn’s personality states have disappeared, making her amnesia state a big question. Dawn remembers nothing of her past life, and all she knows about it, like her name and age, was told from us. It is possible that the fight for domination her two alter egos had failed, which distrusted her mind, but the answers are still being looked for. Dawn is going to stay in the Mental Institute until everything is answered. Also, if she later on will be released she would be taken to court and a severe punishment would be applied on her for her actions.

I had enough of this file, and so I shoved it back in the place I hid it and laid on my bed thinking intensively. This isn’t possible, how did it even happen, I can’t believe it. Anger rushed through my veins, and I just grabbed my pillow and stuffed my head inside it and screamed while tears were coming out of my eyes like a cascade. God, why does this happen to me? Please help me… It was the first time in a while, from what I remember, that I begged God for something. I just wish my memories would come back. All of this DID nonsense made me truly doubt myself, what if the bad personality, person, mind or whatever took over me and I became like that again. I sobbed and tears came down from my eyes once more. I was so sad, and I wished I could take everything I did back, and curl myself into a shrinking ball that would eventually disappear from the earth’s surface. I could do nothing, even my father, whom I don’t remember, gave me away. Sigh. My dreams of someday going out of here were all crushed now since I would be seeing the court. Now I finally know why I am actually in here, and at least everything in my dream was slightly clearer now; the reason I killed that woman, why I had with those two men, even the two me that were fighting. I opened my eyes in shock. I quickly pulled myself up from the bed and now I was sitting on it. My jaw dropped as soon as I realized what might’ve happened… I felt so stupid! How come I didn’t think of it before?! The two me fighting in a dark place… Probably what I was seeing were my two personality states fighting for domination? Later though, I saw them again as they threw each other away and both faded, and at that moment my dream ended and I felt like was I being thrown out! That has to be it! They both lost, and both disappeared from me. Then the old me screamed and fainted while pressing her hands to her head, right at that moment I was thrown out of my dream because that’s when my amnesia began!! My amnesia started because the personality states destroyed themselves, so that probably had a great effect on my mind, and made this new me. Sigh. There was still nothing I could do both ways, I guess I just have to accept what happened and leave it all behind since it was in the past… Just move on with life and that will be it. I can’t even consult with Dr. Troy right now. I found it so unfair now because I truly became a new person. I don’t do the stuff I used to do any more, nor am I interested in them so my place should be outside of this place, enjoying my new good life.

A week passed since the day I read the file, and I couldn’t stop thinking how unfair my life was at the moment. I was stuck in a place with truly insane people, while you could call my problem solved already since I’m practically living a new life. I was able to accept my past, but the present wasn’t good at all, and it could be so much better if only I could be outside of this place. Some days ago I talked to Dr. Troy about me being in here, and I lied to him telling him I had some dreams of the past that gave me some answers. When I told him that I expected him to share what I already read on my file before, but he didn’t, and it was then I realized he was going to hide my past from me for good. Thank God I knew what he thought I didn’t know. Sigh. I was headed to the bathroom for a shower. Once I entered the shower, I turned the warm water on and let the water fall quickly on my body. I took a fast shower and then headed to bed to sleep. I was so tired that I thought I could sleep like a log. However, the thought of me staying here for a really long time came back in my head and buzzed me back to having my eyes wide open. I couldn’t live this way anymore. It was so unfair for me. Sigh. I clinched my jaw as soon as I remembered Emma. If Dr. Troy wasn’t going to let me out of here, then I guess I would have to get out of here myself. Emma, she tried escaping about then times but always failed because of her temper. Unlike her I was calm and clever, and I maybe I could actually do it. I changed my position and sat with my back straight on the bed. Yes. I couldn’t care less of what would happen to me if I failed, but I have to try to get out of this place at least once. I felt so determined, and the adrenaline was flowing quickly through my veins. I could take advantage of Emma’s anger once more and use it as a decoy for me to escape? Or I could just calmly and slowly get to the first building, open the door, and run for it. Hmm. That didn’t sound right at all. The closest time I ever got to that door was when Daisy visited me. Wait, I could also call Daisy again somehow and escape with her, but that would be pretty bad for Daisy if they caught us and I wouldn’t want to cause her any trouble.  I guess the best choice would be making Emma furious again, but this time I need something bigger than last time. I don’t want just a few nurses to come; I want most of the patients to get involved, but how could I do that, and where? All the rooms and places in the patient building appeared in my head. I needed a crowded place… The bathroom! It would be perfect. Since most of the patients are in the bathrooms in the morning, it would make a chaos if all fought, and so many nurses or doctors would come from both buildings! That’s when I could run to the door. The plan seemed great in my head, but there were many gaps in it that could make me fail easily; however, I wasn’t planning on giving in at all, but instead I was going to give it my best. I’ll try to run as fast as I can without slowing down…

I thought all night about other plans, and ways to loosen the gaps in the Emma plan, but nothing else seemed to work. So I was now headed to the bathroom. As soon as I entered I saw how full it was, as usual. Some patient already started fighting for the bathrooms, and some nurses were already here. I searched for Emma, and found her slightly in front. People started pushing from the back and it caused the whole line to move a bit. This was going good. I quickly got out of my place in the queue and ended up behind a little girl who was exactly behind Emma. Some girls saw me cut the line and so they pushed me on the girl and Emma, but I faked the push and made it stronger so that Emma would get even angrier. She stood up and glared at me “You again?!” she screamed. “No, they pushed me it wasn’t my fault!” I faked. She came at me with a fist but instead I moved and tripped her, making her fall onto another big girl. Even though I dodged her punch, I hit a girl by mistake which started shouting and then an old woman from behind shoved her telling her to shut up. The voices of the patients started getting louder, and someone shoved me on the ground, and I moaned loudly with pain. I tried to stand up but someone was shoved on me and it caused me to slip on my waste, and the pain killed me. Ugh. The whole bathroom went furious, and everyone started screaming, crying, hitting or running. This was the perfect chance for me, so I stood up and started running. I got hit as I was trying to leave but I didn’t back down, and stood up after every hit; however I felt my body getting bruised from every side. I saw the nurses joined by the doctors coming to the bathroom, and also some other patients were coming to the bathroom. As they came I was lucky enough to sweep through them and I ran as quickly as I could to the corridor that joined the main and patient building. The gate was open as usual, but once I passed it, I closed it behind me to block the way if someone was coming. Then I rushed to the main building. On the way, I passed by Nurse Andy who was calmly walking and looking at the ground. My eyes stayed on her as I passed her but she didn’t look back, and instead kept going forward slowly. I reached the main building and climbed the stairs to the second floor, and got all the way back down to the main floor where the door was. However, I saw a Nurse sprint from behind one of the walls and was directed to me. “Where do you think you’re running to?!” she shouted and tried grabbing my hand, but I moved quick and tackled her making her fall on the stairs and she started rolling down. She quickly held herself to the railings and screamed with pain. I passed her and she tripped me but I was able to grab the railings too and held myself tightly for a second, regaining balance, I kicked her and ran for it. I left her behind and continued going down the stairs. I reached the main floor and I was now few meters away from the door I’ve been dreaming to cross. I ran as fast as could but I then felt a strong foot pressing on mine from behind and caused me to fall on my knees. “I don’t think so!” the man voice said, and when I turned to see who it was, to my surprise, it was Dr. Troy, and he quickly pulled me up and punched me in the jaw. I felt blood falling from my mouth, and then he came trying to fist me once more but I moved out the way and shoved him to the ground; however, he was quick enough to make me trip to my knees once more and then we both stood up, and attacked each other. I tried punching him but he moved and he slapped my face, sending me a foot away. The pain was burning on my face, and then came at me trying to tackle me, but I was able to punch his head this time, making him flinch. I went for another punch but he grabbed my fist and held my arm up high tightly, and punched my face, sending me a foot away again but still held my arm. I could taste the enormous amount of blood in my mouth, and could feel it falling from my nose. He then pulled me to him so he could punch me once more, but I quickly managed to pull back and scratch him instead, leaving a big bruise on his face. Then I kicked him away with my foot, and quickly shoved him to the ground. I turned around and ran as fast as I could, but then I get pushed face front on the wall right next to the door. I turned around expeditiously, and strongly slapped Dr. Troy in the face sending him a foot behind. I tried pushing him, but he was quicker, and grabbed my arms “You lied to me!” I yelled, and he then strongly shoved me about ten times on the wall and I hit my head every time. I started coughing out blood, and spat it at him, and then yelled because of the pain and tried to slap him but my body was failing me, and he punched my jaw again “You killed my wife you !” he yelled. My eyes started closing and my body was getting weaker as he was shoving me to the wall. All I could see now was black, and my body felt warm and weak…

An image started forming in my mind slowly. An image which held a memory I knew belonged to me. It was me, as a baby, swimming and laughing with my mom. More and more images started forming in my head. Images of my growing up, images of me playing with kids, images of learning how to use the bike, images of my dad, images of me going to school, images of me having my first kiss, my first love, my first hug. Images of me dancing, images of me leaving my father because I was tired of living as a rich girl, images of me working, images of me going to college, image of me having fun, images of me studying, images of Daisy, images of my father coming, images of money, images of me killing, images of me selling my body. It was as if all my life was flashing right in front of my eyes, and I watched it all with happiness. I knew everything know… My body started becoming filled with energy once again, and I opened my eyes widely, staring at Dr. Troy right in the face. “And she killed my mom.” I said; now knowing one of the reasons why I had to kill that woman. I didn’t feel as if a malicious me was taking over me; this was a new beginning for me, I was someone else, and someone better, yet violent at the very moment. I hit his crotch with my knee, and that made him scream with pain, and he bent down. Then with the second knee I hit is face, and then shoved him 5 feet away. I then fleetly ran toward a door, but a big man started running toward me at full speed. He was probably a guard for patients not to escape. He quickly came at me with a fist that I moved away from and shoved me to the ground harshly and I landed right next to Dr. Troy. I fell so harshly that even the floor made me bounce, and once more I coughed a huge load of blood. I turned my head to face him and saw him trying to grab me but I was quicker this time and punch his face away, and elbowed his crotch to weaken him even more. The big guard was coming at me again but I quickly kicked his crotch too as hard as I could and body slammed him to the ground his face just once. I stood up and left the two men on the ground and instantly ran toward the door. As I was running I looked back and saw that the two men could barely stand up, and so I kept running. I grabbed the big door knob, and slowly opened the door. Finally my dream came true, and my whole body started feeling dreamy. I could feel the excitement, joy, and happiness running through me. I opened the door fully and the light was shining on me brightly. I closed the door “This is it.”