Fare finta (pretending)_everyone knows it hurts 

I can take the rain on the roof

of this empty house, 

that don't bothers me.

What hurts the most- Rascall Flatts

It's night.

Eleven o'clock.

Cho Kyuhyun's parents are out- -his sister is out with a friend of hers. She said she's going to sleep over because she has a project that they have to finish for Monday. It's important,she said and Kyuhyun didn't argue. He didn't tell his parents that it's a lie,that he knows what his sister and her friend do. They say that they have to work,to study to pass an exam or like this, to finish a project. They say that they have to stay all night because it's a long and difficult project and why the teacher has to be so cruel to assign to poor teenagers such a lot of things to do?, his mother would say. Kyuhyun knows it's a lie because he heard giggles once when he was passing in front of his sister's room and he opened the door catiously because it was past midnight and even though his sister and he do fight a lot, he cares about her and because he had to be sure that she wasn't up because she heard--they heard.

It was because they were talking about school, about his sister crush over a guy three or thirteen--he didn't hear that clear -- years older than her, about his sister friend's crush over him, about how they did do just a quarter of all the maths exercises they had to do for the day after and about how they were going to get up early the day after to do them all. It was about these stuff- -they didn't hear.

Kyuhyun did close the door catiously--more catiously than he did before and he didn't say anything when that morning they came downstairs and Kyuhyun's mother prepared a big breakfast to prize them for being good and diligent girls.

It's not my business. She can do whatever she wants. She's old enough;she's fourteen. She says things that don't reflect the truth. She has a secret.

Kyuhyun took his bowl of cereals, said good morning to his father that had just came down too, holding the newspapers, and told his mother that he'll go eat upstairs because he had to revise that one problem of physics. He's walking the stairs when Hyukjae's coming down and they looked at each other. They stared and said nothing; Hyukjae's the first to break the eye contact and headed to join the rest of the family.

It's not my business, I am minding my own business. She can do whatever she wants and I do whatever I want. I'm old enough;I'm eighteen. She says things that don't reflect the truth, she has a secret and I- -we- -say things that don't reflect the truth and I- -we- -have a secret.

A really big secret.

-

It's night.

Everyone's out, but Kyuhyun's at home and he isn't alone.

It's night- -it's eleven and fourty-four minutes. Kyuhyun has the opportunity to look at the clock and read the time before his chin goes automatically up, pointing at the white ceiling when the hot breath of Hyukjae's mouth is over Kyuhyun's lenght. He's anticipating the moment those lips that he is imagining displaying that half smile would be around him, though he knows the first seconds would be full of tease, Hyukjae's teasing tongue would him there once,on the tip, then just the base, then the head, then from the head to the base --he's memorized it. It brings momentary brief moments of pleasure,but it's also a torture. However, even so, Kyuhyun's waiting for the torture,waiting for Hyukjae to taste him.

When Hyukjae does it, Kyuhyun's eyes are closing and his hands are on Hyukjae's shoulders, trying to keep him closer,but without forcing because he has learnt the other doesn't want to be under someone else's control during these times- -he wants to be the one to control and Kyuhyun doesn't protest because Hyukjae is great, the is great- -the best.

Kyuhyun's breathing hard and his hand travels to search and brush Hyukjae's hair to make him understand that he wants it, that Kyuhyun wants Hyukjae. He grits his teeth as his desire doesn't get complied, but he receives only several . It's almost painful, the way those lips doesn't go further than that, the way the tongue is meeting and the way Hyukjae's teeth occasionally and purposely scratches his lenght. It's almost painful and Kyuhyun doesn't want to arrive at that point when it's really painful and he'll be shamelessly asking for it. 

And so he opens his eyes and looks down. It doesn't surprise him that Hyukjae's watching back with his mouth open, ready to take him again. Eyes in eyes, Kyuhyun's fingers squeeze Hyukjae's shoulder; it's just a matter of a second that Hyukjae's hand is caressing his inner thighs,it's just a matter of a second that Hyukjae stares intensely at him and makes Kyuhyun emit that moan which wanted to come out from his mouth time ago, it's just a matter of a second that Hyukjae is ,hard,hungry,keeping that rhythm so fast that Kyuhyun's chin is pointing at the ceiling again and he feels numb and his mouth can't close and he doesn't suppress any other sounds,which are impossible to hold back when Hyukjae hums around his and it reverberates down his entire lenght.

It's night- - everyone's out,but Kyuhyun and Hyukjae are at home. They don't know what time it is, but Kyuhyun knows it will be late when this will end,he knows they will be dirty and Hyukjae will tell him to go open the window because it ing smells of here, he knows his parents will come back home soon after they finished, he knows Hyukjae will fall asleep before him and he'll be thinking before falling asleep too.

He also knows that when he'll wake up, it's him lying on his bed with the only company of the cold breeze hitting on his bare skin.

-

'Darling,time to wake up. Your dad,Minjung and Hyukjae are already awake and they're having breakfast. You're the only one up there. Hurry up,Kyuhyun.', his mother tells him from the other side of the door, not knowing that she doesn't have to do it because Kyuhyun is awake too,like the others, it's just that he isn't having breakfast because he doesn't feel like getting up.

He doesn't feel like going  downstairs--doesn't feel like wanting to say good-morning to everyone, doesn't feel like wanting to say good-morning especially to Hyukjae.

It's never a good morning when you sleep with someone after you felt him,after you went faster,faster,faster because you wanted it,but most of all because he said it,he said that he wanted you to go faster,harder,faster and faster and harder and when you open your eyes he's not there anymore. It's never a good morning when you sleep with someone that you have kissed on the lips, tongue battling then on his neck, there and daring to leave marks,thinking foolly that those red spots on his white skin makes him yours when he isn't anyone's to tell the truth and when you open your eyes the arms that you remember were around you when you slept, the warm body that was cuddled against your body when you slept, the head that was on your chest when you slept and-- when you wake up he's not there anymore. It's never a good morning when the night before this day, you did say his name,moaned it,repeated it so many times you cannot count them, you shouted his name when you came. But he didn't say your name back, didn't moan it, never said it--not even once. It's never a good morning when you sleep with your heart on your hand,offering it to someone and when you wake up not only he's not there anymore, but your heart is still in the room;

He didn't want it- -didn't care about it. Refused it.

'Kyuhyun, darling. Y- -'

'I'm up.'

-

It's morning.

It's six and twenty four, no twenty five minutes and Kyuhyun is sitting on the table with the others, drinking slowly his cup of milk. His father and his sister are discussing because Kyuhyun's sister wants to go out tonight. Apparently one of her friends has organized a party and she wants to attend,but tomorrow there's school and his father obviously isn't allowing her to go.

It's morning.

Kyuhyun's mother is busy with their lunch-boxes because none of three of them come back home before five and the food at the cafeteria looks like sludge and tastes like poison and Kyuhyun's mother obviously doesn't want them to die.

It's morning.

Hyukjae is half asleep ,he looks really tired and his hair is messy, his uniform shirt's first two buttons are undone and he is sipping his own milk,sipping it as it's still hot and it's not possible to drink it because it might burn his tongue or his throat. It's not hot, it's warm, Kyuhyun knows that because the milk came from the same carafe and Kyuhyun has already drunk his milk in three gulps. It's morning, and when Hyukjae catches Kyuhyun looking at his direction, he doesn't smile- -he doesn't stare,but he frowns and asks him why he's staring and if he's got something on his face and when Kyuhyun says it's nothing, Hyukjae I was not staring at you. Why would I?, Hyukjae just scowls,pretending he can't hear him.

He starts pretending that Kyuhyun isn't there,sitting in front of him. He pretends Kyuhyun isn't there and he looks behind Kyuhyun, at the window.

It's morning and Kyuhyun always notices how Hyukjae gets better and better at pretending that he doesn't exist.

-

Arms folded behind his head, Kyuhyun raises up one hand and puts it on his eyes. He doesn't do it to cover and not see because if it's the case, this would be useless as it is all black, all dark, all silent.

This is not the first time Kyuhyun, he mumbles to himself, trying to comfort himself and not break down. Why would you break down Kyuhyun?, it's not the first time isn't it?, he says again. His hand tightens around his face and he has to bite his lower lip, his inner cheeks, he has to the corner of his mouth and he has to think over and over to stop thinking. It doesn't affect you Kyuhyun. Don't let it affect you, he swallows and shakes his head, can't hold back the emotion he's been trying to keep.

It affects him more than it should be.

He's breaking down and no, it's not the first time he actually feels Hyukjae slip out from his bed. It's not the first time he sits abruptly and asks Hyukjae dumbly where he's going. It's not the first time Hyukjae tells him, you don't want uncle to find me in your bed with you in the same condition,do you? It's not the first time he tells Hyukjae that it's not a problem, they can dress, put on their boxers and lie to the others ,pretend they decided to fall asleep together. It's not the first time he realizes how absurd that proprosition will sound if he'd refer it to his parents and he grumbles to himself that he's an idiot and tells Hyukjae to forgive him. It's not the first time Hyukjae's chuckling voice resounds in his room for his idiot statement before he leaves.

It's not the first time- -it happened already. So what? What did change Kyuhyun?

There's a big changement: the first time he shrugged, this time he felt like being kicked on his stomach.

It's not the first time that he's thinking on stopping this game that they used to play in two, Hyukjae and he, and somehow, this game is ending having only the player that started it all.

Too bad, it's not me.

-

'Kyuhyun,MinJung, this is Hyukjae. He's your aunt MyungHee's oldest son', he remembers those were his mother's words when she introduced Hyukjae to them. Kyuhyun looked at the older guy; messy hair dyed in an obnoxious red, seems skinny and has thin pink,too pink lips for being a guy and he has bored eyes, seeming lost in looking at the brown hand-bag that he's carrying and was unbalancing his body and made it look like just a blow could make him stumble back and fall.

And so this is our cousin uh?, Kyuhyun raised a brow, recalling the conversation his family had five hours before the unexpected arrival of Hyukjae at their house. 'MyungHee and her new husband called me and told me that they are going abroad for job,but Hyukjae doesn't want to leave Korea. He'll be living with us until MyungHee comes back. I'm expecting you two to be friend with Hyukjae.', Kyuhyun agreed because his mother doesn't accept no as an answer.

Being friend with Hyukjae was difficult (it still is). Kyuhyun isn't Mr ball of happiness 24/7,but compares to Hyukjae,he might be mistaken as if he was. Hyukjae didn't like talking much- -no, what he's saying?, Hyukjae didn't like talking. He responded with monosyllabic words at questions the first week, the second week there were improvements as Hyukjae said short sentences or answered not very politely,but with a pissed tone; it's still not enough though. Kyuhyun tried to point this out, saying casually to Hyukjae that communication is important if he wants to have relations with other human beings. Hyukjae raised both his eyebrows at Kyuhyun and then laughed; he put on his headphones and the music was so loud Kyuhyun could heard it,but this after retorting to Kyuhyun, 'Why, Cho Kyuhyun,why are you telling me this? It's because you want to have a relationship with me?'. 

It was the longest sentence that he heard coming out of Hyukjae's mouth in one month of the guy's stay in his house.

Hyukjae talks. He says a lot of things. A lot of things that mess Kyuhyun's head. 

Kyuhyun doesn't remember why it happened --doesn't remember what led them to do it.

It was night and they were on the couch,watching television and Kyuhyun could see the rain that was pouring down all over the ground from the window. One minute he couldn't decide what was more interesting to watch- - the very boring film or the boring fall of the rain. A minute later he decided that none of the two options was worth and he remembered he sighed and said- -more to himself than to Hyukjae - -that he was done with watching that and he was going upstairs. He remembered he was about to walk off of the room when Hyukjae spoke up, 'Let's play a game.'

This complicated relationship started like that. Simply like that. Kyuhyun remembered their mouths didn't disconnect from each other's for most of the way to his room and the occasions when they weren't attached, they were panting and they were trying to recollect oxygen and then Hyukjae was smirking and telling him words that brought Kyuhyun to circle his arm around Hyukjae's waist,press himself to the other and moan in the other's mouth as he rubbed his half hardness on Hyukjae's thighs.

The sun was striking its rays on his face when he woke up and found no one. He nodded; it was good there was nobody except him.

He was asking himself if the game was over. He found the answer that same night and then the next night and more other nights. He also learnt the rules without Hyukjae explaining him: it's a secret. A big secret game between us. No one should know except the two of us.

Kyuhyun couldn't say if that really started only out of boredom or there was something,but he doesn't believe in this last. Things sometimes happen without a reason. Things happen. This thing happened. It happens and still happening. Kyuhyun said what he'll do is hoping that this keeps going on.

He said, It's because it feels good.

-

Now it doesn't feel good anymore,though.

However, Kyuhyun still hopes, really hopes that this keeps going on. He still hopes that tonight ,every night he spends with Hyukjae, isn't the last. He hopes that it will happen. Again. And again.

And again.

-

When it all started, Kyuhyun wasn't expecting anything.

He wanted Hyukjae for his body,but besides that he wanted nothing from him. He didn't want Hyukjae to develop feelings toward him. He didn't expect to develop feelings for Hyukjae.

When it all started, Kyuhyun thought and still part of him thinks that he could simply say no to Hyukjae and his life would go on. He'd forget everything that happened and Hyukjae would do the same.

He didn't expect that one of these nights, Hyukjae would accost his mouth to his ear and whisper him,Kyuhyun, I like you,I promise I will never leave you and when he turns around to face him, Hyukjae has already his back at him and Kyuhyun's wondering if it was real or just a dream.

He wasn't expecting that he would sleep less hours just to wait, wait for Hyukjae to whisper those words a second time. 

It happens; Kyuhyun turns and asks Hyukjae to repeat. Hyukjae does and Kyuhyun asks if it's true. 'Believe what you want', he whispers, a neutral tone that doesn't suggest anger nor indifference over what Kyuhyun would think.

Kyuhyun starts sleeping even less; why it hurts that he cannot believe in that completely?

Stop thinking- -stop,Kyuhyun- -stop this- -stop.

-

He can't.

If he would have taken the decision much time earlier, maybe he could have,but now he can't.

He asks himself one question and instead of solving the doubt, million of other questions appear.

The problem is that his brain never agrees with what his heart beats.

His brain always makes Kyuhyun wonder if he really can believe Hyukjae and his words. If he really can be sure that it's true, that Hyukjae's not just saying that. But why would he just say this? Why can't Hyukjae's words be true?

And why didn't he say that it's true if it's really is?, his brain wants to make him ponder this, Kyuhyun,he's Hyukjae. He's good at acting you see that. You're Kyuhyun for him only when it's night. During the morning, you're nobody. One day you'll wake up and that night he won't be with you anymore. He'll be somebody else's. He'll be held by someone else. He'll say that I like you, I promise I will never leave you to someone else. What Kyuhyun, what if it's like that?

Kyuhyun would like to answer that he'll be ready at that moment,that he really doesn't believe in any of the words that comes out from Hyukjae. Words are just words. People make promises that are meant not to be broken,but we all know how these things end. Words are just words, you cannot trust words. He would like to answer that he won't be hurt because he will precede Hyukjae, he will put an end at this first,tonight, tomorrow- -soon. He won't be the one to cry, he won't be the one to beg, he won't be the one miserable.

But then it will be his heart to talk. And as they say, you cannot say your heart is wrong. Hearts are always right. And he actually can feel that his heart is right. Honest,no lies.

Kyuhyun, Hyukjae's your cousin. You're considering that no more, don't you? You cannot be with him, whether you like it or not and you won't Kyuhyun. You won't end this first and even if you force yourself to always repeat that words are just words, you believe in those words,because it's Hyukjae who said them. Hyukjae. Hyukjae. Hyukjae. You'll cry for Hyukjae,You'll beg Hyukjae not to leave you and you'll be miserable because you know, you know how this will end.

And I'll be broken. 

And you already know that even if somebody else will come into your life and try to fix me, there will always be that missing piece: the one you are caring the most.

Cho Kyuhyun, you're so dumb. So in love.

And that's so wrong.

-

There's no solution for you Kyuhyun. You suffer or you suffer, there's not the other side of the coin, Kyuhyun.

-

.

-

What do you want to do Kyuhyun?

-

What do I want to do?

-

What?

-

Well.. It doesn't matter,does it?

I'll lose- -I'm certainly going to lose.