Hankyung-ah,

Where did you go?

Why did you leave?

Was it my fault?

I didn’t want you to leave. The fight we had…it didn’t mean anything. I was just angry that day. I know you were just filming with her and it didn’t mean anything. I knew it all along. But I was angry that day. Something had happened. When I saw the pictures of you and her…I lost it.

 And then we fought. And it killed me to see you storm out; tears on both our faces.

I remember you using every Korean word I’d taught you. And thinking back, your pronunciation was great. But through my tears, I could see your pain as you pleaded with me. Thinking back now, I realize I was a jerk; a conceited jerk. I was so stubborn that day. You know how I have my moods, and it just happened to be that day…

I don’t really remember what was said. I don’t think I want to remember. All I know is that we let out all our emotions. I’d seen you cry before, of course I had, but it was always because you missed home. You cried on my shoulder and I helped you.

But that day, your tears were because of me. I was torn inside. It was me making you cry, so hard. I remember you saying you hated feeling alone, and that I was the one to always help you. It had almost made me smile. But instead, I slapped you, thinking it was fake; that you were up to me.

After you left Teukie came in and told me that you didn’t want to do the scene in the first place, but the director made you. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I thought…well, you know what I thought. I thought you were cheating. I didn’t know Hankyung-ah, I really didn’t know!

We’re both guys and even though we’d been together for so long, suddenly it became much harder. It was so much easier when we were young and expected to act all cutesy.  It was simpler. No one suspected anything. But now, now we’re older. It’s not the same. It’s so much harder.

We can’t keep it a secret. But I wanted to tell them with you. Why did you leave me? Is it because you wanted us to break up? Is that why? Tell me and I’ll leave you alone. But please, Hankyung, don’t leave me hanging. I need to know.

You left without telling anyone anything. Do you know how much we worried? I couldn’t take it. I thought it was all because of me, and Teukie was able to coax me out of my room some days to do activities but other than that, I stayed in my room the whole day, for weeks; not eating, not drinking, waiting with Heebum for you to come back.

 You know, he misses you too. I have a picture of you, us, in my room, and sometimes Heebum will go and sit in front of it, pawing at it. It’s like he wants you to come back.

 We all do. 

 I wish we could go back to those days, but we can’t and I know it. It’s just, sometimes I can’t help but wish and wish harder that we could; that we could sit and laugh without worrying and just have fun.

 I know you didn’t mean to kiss her, it was just a scene and when Teukie told me later, my heart broke for you. I don’t know how you felt, I can’t imagine, and I don’t want to, I just wish those words hadn’t been said, and that you were back here with me.

 I wish we could be together.

 I’ll leave if you don’t want me, though.

 But I need to know.

 Because, I still love you.

 With every fiber in my being; I LOVE YOU. 

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Gosh, i always write such depressing Hanchul :/