I have always been told that I’m the best. People come to me to hear my voice or to see me destroy the insignificant Terra in SC or to just…well… see me.

When I once auditioned for some huge entertainment company it was just because of pure boredom and I guess my good looks and sheer talent I passed. I wasn’t the best dancer, but that doesn’t matter ‘cause I know I was still one of the best singers. And when people criticized my dancing it did not bother me one bit.

And as years went by, I showed every anti that I can be as good as the rest, you can’t see me dancing awkwardly anymore, I have become the dark horse especially during the dance battle, Sungmin hyung wasn’t the representative anymore, maybe he was busy with his play but I believe it was because I was getting better.

But I think I was getting better for someone else, was it for you?

When fans praise me for my good looks and even say I’m cute despite the zits that pop occasionally I just feign shyness but hearing you say those same words gives off a different feeling, I don’t feign any emotions – I hide them.

When people say that I’m smug but still they love me, I become smugger because that’s what they want, but you… you just say nice things about me. I’m at a lost there. I felt challenged, I don’t want to be branded to be the innocent magnae forever but my smugness can’t seem to get through you, is it because of some language barrier? But you’re good at hangul, so good that Eunhyuk hyung is mistaken as the Chinese member and not you.

After years of contemplating about these confusing things with my brain alone and still have not found an answer I finally decided to use that strength I have in gaming to face you but then you went away. You know, we all know how Heechul hyung misses you but do you know I’m missing you too, perhaps more?

I feel so lonely without you. And when you called the dorms with just me ruling Star Craft, for the first time I felt different sorts of emotions. And it’s when I heard your voice that I finally realize that I’ve actually fallen for you, how deep? I don’t know.

“Hello Kyu,” you said.

“Hankyung hyung!” I said excitedly. “How are you?”

And that was the beginning of our thirty minute long conversation.

And as we talked, I’ve realized that it was the first time I’ve talked with someone over the phone for a long period of time. That it was a first for me getting excited hearing from someone. That it was the first time I miss someone so much that I have to keep myself from crying countless times just hearing your voice.

“Hyung, when are you coming back?” I covered my mouth the moment I realized those words have come out but I can’t take those back anymore. I just close my eyes hoping that you’d take it as words from a worried dongsaeng.

“…might be a little while longer…” you said after some agonizing pause.

 “Really? Please come back soon, everyone misses you.”

“Haha. I know, I’m really sorry when you say everyone does that mean you miss me too?”

“Of course”

“Anyway Kyu, I have to end this conversation as much as I hate to.”

“Oh, okay…” can he tell that I’m disappointed? But before he could hang up I took a deep breath. “Hyung!!”

“Yes Kyu.”

“Let me just say thank you. This would be the first time and I hope it won’t be the last or it could be the last because this is embarrassing.” why am I blabbering, this is so not me.

“Hankyung hyung…  you say I'm beautiful, but it feels weird coming from you. Your appearance is beautiful. Your voice is beautiful. Your personality is beautiful. I hardly measure up. So that’s why I’m saying thank you, cause for some reason I feel you’re telling the truth you’re not bullting me or feeding my ego and I just want you to know that well…I think I’ve said it… I hardly measure up.”

There was silence, was my honesty too surprising, did he realize that it was somehow my confession?

*Ding Dong*

I went to the door while having the receiver on my ear, thank God we had wireless phone.

“Does that mean you like me too?” his voice, both on the phone and that coming from his mouth made me wanna smile so much that I forced myself to stay indifferent. Was this Hankyung standing on the other side of the door, duffle bag slung in one shoulder and smiling at me for real?

“W-when y-you say ‘too’ are you implying that you like me?”

He laughed, Hankyung laughed at my stuttering. He inched his face closer to mine and breathed against my mouth, “So much that I wish this problem will soon be over so I can finally be with you again.”

He didn’t give me any chance to reply, I was too shocked and absorbed with that sweet kiss. How long have I fallen for him? I really don’t know. But I know one thing, I’ve been doing my best, not all because of the fans nor the antis, not because I want to top the others… but because I just want him, I just want Hankyung to keep praising me, I want to catch up to him. Because for the first time I like someone more than winning.

THE END.