She's beautiful, he would always think. He never had the chance to tell her that, or in fact, even have the courage to bring up the topic of beauty. That's because she was one of those types, the kind of person who despised anything related to a word of that such. Pretty. What the hell is that in her vocabulary? Something that she thought was repulsive, innappropriate and simply shallow. But that wasn't the problem. He knew it wasn't the problem. He respected her opinions, but his mind was elsewhere, because no matter what, he would always think of her as the perfect woman.

"Kim Myungsoo! Don't you know what today is?" Amber barged into his one-bedroom apartment, ready to give a beating to the man.

"Calm down, calm down. I know what today is." He put his hand on her shoulder, trying to calm down her down. "How could I ever forget? It's our three-year anniversary of course. Three years since we've become friends."

February 24, 2011

Amber and Myungsoo were just friends. Always were, and hopefully, not always be. This was another topic Myungsoo had many troubles bringing up: where they stand in their relationship. Amber always thought of him as a friend, a best friend. And Myungsoo? He had always hoped for them to be much more than that, always wishing for her to see him as a man, wondering when his feelings will ever be taken into consideration. Sure, he's never mentioned how he felt before, but even the world's most oblivious person could see that Kim Myungsoo loved Amber Josephine Liu.

"Well? Are we going or not?" Amber snapped, causing Myungsoo to come back to reality.

"Right this way, Princess."

He led her outside of the complex and down to the concrete pavement side-walk. The two held hands, walking side by side like a normal couple. They talked like a couple. They held hands like a couple. The gaze they gave each other was that of a couple. But in reality, they weren't. He tried making small jokes every once in a while, just so the conversation held between them would always be kept going.

"Your jokes are horrible, you know that?"

"Well you're laughing, so that must obviously mean that you like them." he replied nonchalantly.

In the middle of their walk, Myungsoo spotted an ice cream parlor on the corner of the street. He nudged Amber playfully, bringing her attention to it. She shook her head no and gave a look as if saying 'Absolutely not Myungsoo', but he knew better than to listen to what she had to say, or in this situation, thought. He brought Amber inside the shop, ogling at the many different flavors the place had to offer.

"Myungsoo, what season are we in?"

"Winter, Silly."

"If it's Winter, then why are we here, at an ice cream store?"

"To eat ice cream of course! If you want to leave, there's a door right there. I'll celebrate our anniversary alone." he joked and pouted, pointing to the exit door.

Amber scoffed, taking a seat in one of the nearby booths. "I'll have a-"

"Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? I know I know." he interrupted, then facing the cashier, "I'll have a medium Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and a large Chocolate Macadamia. To go, please."

After paying the cashier, he sat down next to Amber, trying to focus on her only. He utterly failed. He couldn't help but stare back at the cashier for she was giving him a rather peculiar look. Myungsoo then shifted his view to the other customers at the parlor only to find them all giving him the same exact stare. He couldn't understand why they were all staring at him, but after a minute of thinking, he came to a conclusion that everyone was amazed by his and Amber's close relationship.

"Amber, look! They're all staring at us. They must think we're a couple or something." he leaned closer to Amber as he commented on the customers.

"Hmm, really? They don't look like they're staring. You must be delusional." Myungsoo heaved a sigh at her response. Of course she would think something like that.

Having a sudden urge to go check his appearance, Myungsoo left the booth and went on his way to the men's room. He wanted to look his best in front of Amber, because right now, embarrassment wasn't going to get him anywhere. He checked himself in the mirror, trying off different facial expressions. He posed and tried seventeen different smiles before one finally fit to his liking: the dimple appearing, eyes disappearing, eye smile.

"This is it Myungsoo. Wow her with this brilliant smile of yours." he told himself and took in a deep breath, then exhaled loudly.

Going back, Myungsoo noticed not two, but one ice cream cone at their booth. He was positive he made an order for two. Confused, he asked, "Are they still getting your order done? What's taking them so long?" Even if so, it was still unusually weird for an ice cream parlor to take over five minutes just to serve some ice cream.

"I actually finished my ice cream while waiting for you. You take way too long in the bathroom Myungsoo. Figures." she laughed.

"Oh whatever. You take twice as long just perfecting the shape of your bangs. I don't see why you have to though. You're beaut—" Myungsoo stopped himself and gasped at his own words. Never mention that taboo word in front of her, he reminded himself. He watched as Amber's light-hearted smile slowly faded away.
 

"Amber, I'm so sor—"

"It's fine, Myungsoo. I'm fine. Let's go now?" she said. He went along with it, but he knew by the look on her face that she wasn't being truthful with herself. She wasn't fine at all. She was never fine.

The two started walking again, but it wasn't like before where the atmosphere was relaxed, where they felt comfortable with each other. There was distance now. Distance. Amber starting walking faster and faster, leaving Myungsoo behind to try and catch up to her quick, brisk steps. She was becoming farther and farther away from him. No matter what Myungsoo wanted to do to stop her, he just couldn't. All he could do was follow. Follow and find out where she was going.

The Han River.

By the time Myungsoo caught up, Amber was already standing against the rails, expression blank and eyes unblinking. He had a hard time trying to decode her, to figure out what's wrong, but she was just impossible to read. Then there was silence, complete and utter silence between the two.

"Myungsoo, can you do a favor for me?" she asked him, finally speaking up, "Stop lying."

"Lying? About?" he questioned, frowning. The confusion was beginning to bother him.

She sighed and turned to face the opposite direction. Myungsoo got a clearer view of her now more defined and angled jaw line. He watched her blink once, her thick eyelashes making him hold his breath for just a moment before she spoke up again.

"I'm ugly."
 

Myungsoo sighed as well. So this is why, he thought. He then leaned closer so he could see her face. So he could see her expression. So he could finally read her this time, because for once she let all her emotions be displayed right there. But she wouldn't let him. He slowly started to get annoyed, and in the end, placed his hands on her shoulders, bringing her closer with slight force. She wouldn't be able to escape his gaze this time.

"Look at me." She wouldn't obey his command. Amber looked at anywhere but him, her eyes darting towards the river. "I said look at me." he spoke in a loud commanding tone which scared Amber a little. She never experienced this side of him before. She finally did as told and slowly met his gaze. The corner of her eyes started to water. "Why would you ever find yourself as ugly?"

She lowered her head down and mumbled in a soft but audible voice, "Do you know how many times I've been called pretty before? Beautiful? Gorgeous?" Myungsoo stayed silent, not sure if she was asking a rhetorical question or not. "None. Zero times. Never. And do you know why? It's because I'm ugly.

I'm ugly."

A single tear slid down her soft, rosy cheeks. Then another tear slid down. And another. And another. Amber broke down, clutching onto Myungsoo's shirt. Crying. Amber Liu, a girl Myungsoo thought was as tough as steel, broke down crying right in front of him. It pained him to see such a defenseless, fragile side of her. He stood there, heart aching and ripped to shreds, and watched as she cried. They shared the pain together. He felt her pain, and she felt his. He clenched his jaw tighter as he pulled her closer, slowly wrapping his other arm around her back. Although his heart had hurt so much to the extent where it felt like it would stop beating for her, Myungsoo still wondered with embarrassment if Amber could feel his rapid heartbeat.

"You're beautiful Amber." He slowly pulled away and wiped off her tears with his thumb. "You're so so beautiful."

She kept crying. "I'm ugly. I'm ugly. I'm ugly. I'm ugly."

"No, stop it Amber. Stop telling yourself such indecent lies. You're beau—"

"I'm ugly. I'm ugly. I'm ugly."

"Amber, you're beau—"

"I'm ugly I'm ugly. I'm ugly."

No matter how many times Myungsoo tried to come through with the words he'd been wanting to tell for such a long time, she wouldn't listen. She would keep repeating the words "I'm ugly", shaking her head as her tears plummeted down her cheeks. It was like a hearing a broken record playing the same words over and over again. It was like Amber was all alone, unable to hear his soothing and truthful words. It was like Amber and Myungsoo were never together to begin with. 

"Young man. Who exactly are you calling beautiful?" an elderly man doing his regular exercise routine stopped and asked.

"What do you mean? It's obvious I'm saying it to the woman next to me." 

The elder gave him the same strange look as those at the ice cream parlor. "Are you feeling alright young man? There is no woman next to you."

Then it was Myungsoo's turn to give him a strange look. How can Amber not be right next to him? He was with her the whole day.

"What are you talking about? She's right-" He turned around. "Here..." Myungsoo trailed off as realization had dawned. She wasn't there.

Amber Josephine Liu was never there to begin with.

Myungsoo hurriedly went on his phone to check the date. Then it all slowly started to make sense. All the strange looks and stares. The ice cream. Everything. Today marked the four years since Amber and Myungsoo have become friends. Today also marked the first year since they've stopped all contact with each other. Today was the day they've become friends and today day they've stopped being friends. 

February 24, 2012

On this exact month, of the exact day, at the same exact place, Amber and Myungsoo have stopped being friends.

It was all his fault that Amber left, that she never came back. He didn't have the courage to tell her what he truly felt. He didn't tell her that she was beautiful. He didn't tell her that loved her. He didn't even try to say anything at all. He just stood there and watched as Amber poured her heart out to him. He did nothing. Because of him— because of Kim Myungsoo, Amber left Seoul without him even knowing. He only found out when she sent him a text message.

Goodbye Myungsoo. I'll miss you. I really will. But... I need to leave.

You understand right? It's for the best.

This is Amber. Oh! And don't call this number. It's not mine.

I love you.

How lame,  Myungsoo thought bitterly. He knew his best friend's departure from a text. Relying on his gut feeling, Myungsoo went on his phone and searched through his long list of messages. A normal person would find it funny that someone would have a text message from over a year ago, but not to Myungsoo. He saved the message, making sure to never delete it. Even many years later, when they both move on with their loves, he would still carry that message from within his phone. 

After much much scrolling and a devastating eye work-out, Myungsoo finally found the message hidden deep within his stack of other texts. He copied down the number the text was sent from and dialed it. Even though Amber clearly said that that wasn't her number, he still wouldn't believe her. She was a bad liar in the first place. He also couldn't help but think that she would want him to call her, to keep even just a bit of contact and connection with each other.

It felt like an eternity passed to Myungsoo, just waiting for the rings to stop repeating itself and the phone call to actually be picked up. And when it was answered, Myungsoo was very pleased to hear a very familiar "hello."
 

It was Amber's "hello."
 

"Amber." he spoke softly. He remembered how she sounded like, but what about her?

"M-Myungsoo, is that you?" She remembered in the end, bringing nothing but a huge smile to his face.

"I love you Amber Josephine Liu." He said it. He finally said it.

"W-what?"

"I said I love you. And I think you're beautiful, the most beautiful woman on earth."

"S-stop lying. It's not funny."

"I'm not lying."