Blood beaded on my wrist, I looked at the cut with detached interest, and the razor in my other hand was stained red. The long horizontal slash, not a serious cut, was one of many to come; it layered on top of old light, scars. I couldn’t count how long I had been doing this, was it years now? Tightness coiled my insides: my throat dry, my mind blank, my heart empty. A heavy numbness settled over my being, I couldn’t find the will to move. A cell phone was left carelessly on the floor, open with the screen light up. A name, I didn’t bother to read, kept appearing my phone showed the image of a person calling silently; I never bothered to pick up. The interims between each call were growing shorter and shorter. My eyes felt heavy, I fought to keep myself awake.

With deep, labored breathes, I forced my body to move towards the bathroom. Hollow, dead eyes stared back at me through the mirror as I washed the blood away. I ignored the stinging pain as I watched the clear pink, blood-laced water spin down the drain. Griping the side of the sink tightly I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth. I couldn’t help it my eyes moved back to the mirror and those tear-weary, drained brown eyes stared back. I wondered lazily when was the last time I truly smiled or even laughed was.

I shoved my upper body into a long sleeve shirt to assist in hiding the cut then black gloves over my hands to deal with the rest. I jerked my jeans on as I prepared to force that fake happiness I emitted. Drawing breaths to my core, trying to give myself some strength, some substance, I walked slowly to the door. Passing another mirror on the way there I looked presentable, at least not a person who was so fragile they could break any moment. The bell went off as promised and I opened the door with a bright smile plastered my mouth.

“What’s wrong, dear?” I mustered some false sympathy for the wrecked girl in front of me.

“I-kugh- he-kugh-job-ahh!” she threw herself into my arms expecting and receiving support. With a guiding hand I lead her to my living room. She clung to me tightly spilling, exposing her soul to a cold beast like me. As hard as I tried I couldn’t bring myself to fully empathize with her seventy-five percent of my heart was effected, moved in a way, but that twenty-five percent was stone, a piece unfeeling separated from the rest of my being.

In a soft hush tone I pacified, “You’re better than this, stronger than anyone I know just take the world one step at a time and you’ll be fine. I’ll always be here to listen when you need it.”

“No, you’re wrong I’m not strong, you are. You’re always here for me, for everyone, a pillar of support,” she smiled sadly although my position was desirable. Ironic that cold, detached fragment of me scoffed, what would you do if you knew your pillar of support had cracks in it, of course well hidden, deep-rooted cracks. With a small smile I pressed my lips on her forehead, as a response, in an attempt of comfort.  

“Thank you,” she mouthed against my collar as she cuddled in closer for more comfort. Somehow I felt like I was cheating her by giving her this partial-hearted comfort, but it worked without her ever hearing the silent cries in my heart.

“Thank you.” She said strongly stepping out of my embrace, on to her own two feet. With a softer look she intoned,” Thank you so much for giving me support and help. I’ll give up on him he’s not worth it, and I’ll fight hard for my position at work I’ve worked there longer than the competition and don’t planning stopping anything soon.”   

“No problem. Bye love,” I smiled, a moon trying to match and reflect the radiance of the sun. She glowed as she flowed out of my apartment leaving me tired. My head rolled back against the head rest, tears welt up and refused to fall. Watching her stand so tall, proud, and confident after she’d fallen to pieces in my fingers made me feel so much weaker, I was so pathetic, a sad excuse of a person… before I could finished my thoughts my bell went off again. Pass the mirror I go, adjusting my disheveled hair and confirming there were no tattletale hints of my small mental breakdown.

“Hey,” that familiar voice greeted me at the door pulling me into a quick hug.

“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming. What’s up with the surprise visit? Good or bad news?” I asked with a, counterfeit, smile that crinkled my eyes.

“Bad.” The usually proud man flopped down into the couch.

“Hm… What happened?” I questioned it must have been bad if he was coming to me.

“Um… I don’t know how to say this…” he played with his thumbs. I sat down near him, but not too close, to signal I was there for him if he needed it, if he wanted it, or just to be there as silent support. He leaned his shoulder against my shoulder sagging, thinking too much. I waited just waited for him to act.

A sigh with the weight of the Cosmo incongruously appeared out of his mouth before he spoke, “You know I have a girlfriend right?”

“Yea, San-something did something happened to her?” I lightly pushed, repeating movements I knew they wanted me to do.

“Sanghee. Kim Sanghee,” he repeated the generic sounding name with a greatly broken tone.

“Yes..” I let my voice trail off and patted his shoulder in a circular motion.

“She’s pregnant.” The air quivered.

“But…” I supplied.

“She doesn’t want me to help her…she wants to break up,” his head dropped into his hands with a smacking noise.

“And…” I added.

“And what? What can I do?” he let out a helpless wail. After considering the situation, his attitude, and my knowledge of his personality I executed the actions he would want me to do.

Flicking my arm sharply, I smacked the back of his head roughly before scolding, “And? That’s it? You’re really giving up without a fight? You love her and that baby right?”

His jagged intake of breath was an audible reaction to the words I threw at him.

“You’re right!” he bounced up renewed, “I’ll chase after her and make her understand how precious she and the baby are. I won’t give up until I have no choice left.”

Rushing out in a whirlwind, I barely spotted his back exiting the place. I plopped deeper into the cushions the exhaustion grew and the insecurity, the pitiful emptiness spread within me.  Watching that girl’s confidence and ability to rebound and my friend’s conviction drained me; they and everyone around me make me realize that I’m so pathetic. One finger moved down to trace the cuts through my sleeve, even when inflicting wounds on myself I was so half-hearted I couldn’t even seriously cut myself. One long vertical slash would do it, end everything but I was so frighten of death.

                Two O’clock I pushed myself out of the couch and took the bus up to the main office. The secretary lead me to the waiting room there I sank into thick leather cushions. My eyes wandered as I wondered why after this time the CEO would call me up to office. I never betrayed any of my darkness to world, or at least I never thought I did. At all of the concerts I always smiled and keep up a cheery guise; at all the fan meets I always kept a glowing aura; I always did my best to hide my gloom.  Suddenly I bounced to my feet following a strange, powerful impulse. Through the empty hallways up the stairs; pass the area that idols are allow to go to, pass the chained sign forbidding everyone from passing I stepped onto the roof top.

                I marched towards the edge of building stepping over small strip of concrete that separated the area from the sidewalk below. My toes hung over the edge, my fingers griped the concrete separator tightly as I wondered if I should take the step into the air. Sweats made my hands clammy, my eyes blurred from the biting wind, tightness took hold my lungs and chest even with these horrible afflictions I felt alive: my heart was racing, my mind clear, my breath racing.  Loud pounding steps, rattling chains, and the door slamming against the wall almost made me lose my footing.

                “NO, HOYA DON’T JUMP!” six roaring voices of my fellow group members shouted stricken with worry.  I looked at their panicked faces half interested and wondered whether to listen or follow through with my impulse.

A/n: I wrote most of this a while ago when I was depressed and finished it today I hope you all enjoy and again I apologize if Hoya is your bias. Re-uped from my lj^^ ENjoy