001

 

“One, two, step, step, turn, step, turn,”

 

He repeated for countless of times. Despite that, someone still made a mistake. And nobody could ever escape from his eagle eyes.

 

“Again! One, two, step, step, turn, STEP, turn!”

 

It was hopeless. Exhaustion was clear on their faces and their eyes were almost pleading for this to be over. As much as he wanted them to improve, he didn’t want this to become a torture for them. He didn’t want something that he loved to become something that they hated. With a sigh, he hit the Stop button on the radio.

 

“Let’s continue next time,” he announced.

 

He turned towards the chair where he left his bag to pack his belongings as one by one of his students came by to greet him before heading off.

 

“You were too strict just now,” A voice came behind him. He knew too well who the voice belonged to without having to check. It was a voice that he could identify even when it was burgered among a million other voices. It was a voice which brought spring into his winter heart.

 

“They’d never learn if I didn’t do that,” he returned, grabbing his bag and settling himself on the chair, finally facing her.

 

Her; the eternal spring in his heart.

 

“True, but you’ll scare them off if you keep that up,” she handed him a bottle of mineral, which he took with a smile.

 

“I guess I’ll need to find some new students if that were to happen,” he gave her a cheeky smirk before taking a large gulp.

 

Bomi returned his smile as she took his bag from his lap and sat on his thigh, one hand around him. “Are you tired?” she asked.

 

“A little,” Hoya nodded slightly. “Are you?”

 

“A little,” she mimicked.

 

He laughed. “Let’s go home?”

 

“Let’s go home,”

 

 

---

 

001b

 

It was hopeless.

 

None of them were getting better. Exhaustion was plastered on their faces with beads of perspiration dropping almost every second. Their legs were becoming weary. Their eyes were begging for this session to be done.

But Hoya didn’t care. He must make them get everything today. They must improve today.

 

Not tomorrow, not any other day, but today.

 

“Again!” he yelled once more.

 

 

---

 

002

 

“Wake up, sleepyhead,”

 

He groaned and pulled the blanket over his face, only to get pulled back down again by her. “Lemme sleep some more,”

 

“But I made breakfast! It’ll get cold,” she poked his cheek.

 

“Really?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Is it even safe to consume your food?”

 

“Hey!” she poked him hard on the torso and giggled as he winced in pain.

 

“Seriously, Bbom, I swear once of these days I’ll get killed by your tiny little fingers,” he chuckled seeing her victorious grin.

 

“Wake up, hurry!”

 

Hoya took her hands and pulled her to his chest with his arms wrapped around her before pulling the blanket over them. Running his fingers through her hazel hair, he could smell the mixture of ylang ylang and coconut scent. “Let’s stay like this for a few more minutes. Plus, you can always reheat the food,” he mumbled, planting a kiss on top of her head.

 

They stayed like that for a few more hours.

 

 

---

 

002b

 

He hit the blaring alarm clock and buried his head underneath the pillow.

 

The sun was shining brightly outside and the rays filled the seemingly dead room. It was a mistake to leave the curtains drawn open last night as the sunlight was giving him a headache now.

 

Hoya peeked at the other side of the queen bed. The right side of the bed. Bomi’s side of the bed. Seeing the emptiness of it, he pulled up the blanket to cover his entire body and face, ignoring the fact that it was already summer and that he was sweating profusely from the nightmare he had just woken up from.

 

 

---

 

003

 

“Hoya?” she called out. “Hoooyaa?”

 

He was not there by her side when she woke up, watching her as she sleeps. He was not in the bathroom, and not in the kitchen either. He was not in the tiny living room going through channels after channels and settling at nothing. He was not in the balcony with a cup of hot cocoa in his hand, eyes studying the movement of the world.

 

Bomi’s strides became rushed as she turned desperate to look for even the slightest hint of him inside their small apartment. But he was not there. He wasn’t anywhere.

 

 

#

 

It was quiet when he returned, so he assumed that she was still sleeping peacefully like how he left her earlier.

 

With a warm cup of her favourite chamomile tea on one hand a brand new CD containing a song that he was going to teach his class later, he stepped into the humble apartment, humming.

 

But he was wrong.

 

The more steps he took, the louder he could hear that sound. That faint sobbing sound muffled down by the shower. Right away, he knew what was going on. Hoya hurriedly placed the cup and the CD on the dining table before rushing to the bathroom inside their master bedroom.

 

“Bomi?” he called as he tried his best to hide the fear in his voice. “Bbom?”

 

And then he found her curled up in the tub, fully drenched with her nightgown still on. Her dripping wet hair covered a portion of her face, but he still could see her tears.

 

“God, Bomi,” ― was all he could manage to say. He grabbed a clean towel and draped it around her after turning off the tap.

 

She flinched at the touch of their skin. It took her a while before she could finally recognize him. “Hoya?”

 

“Yes, it’s me,” he forced a tiny smile.

 

“Where did you go?” she asked, her voice trembling from both terror and breathlessness, tears welled up in her eyes. “I woke up and you weren’t there. I looked for you everywhere but I couldn’t find you,”

 

“I’m sorry. I went out to get something. I’m sorry,” he whispered as she leaned towards him and rested her head on his shoulder while he wrapped one arm around her waist whereas the other hand rubbing the back of his head. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,”

 

 

---

 

003b

 

The alarm clock blared to life once again, and he threw it to the white door, knocking the batteries out. With the sudden deafening noise died down, he buried himself under the blanket again and fell back into his not-so-deep slumber.

 

 

---

 

004

 

It was Monday. Four days since Bomi’s last panic attack.

 

It was a quiet Monday morning, and both of them were sitting on their purple couch while taking comfort from each other, eyes fixed to a house makeover show the television was airing.

 

It was also the second time Hoya had cancelled his dance lesson, which he was sure his students were glad to hear.

 

“Is it okay for you to cancel your classes like this?” she asked.

 

He knew that she felt guilty. That it was all her fault. But he refused to let her feel that way, because it wasn’t her fault. “It’s okay,” he told her. “Plus you know how happy the kids would be,”

 

She chuckled lightly, remembering the last time she joined him in the studio.

 

 

---

 

004b

 

He passed by the familiar shops and perhaps familiar faces on the street. He stopped on his tracks and glanced at the studio on the second floor of the building on his right where he used to teach dance lessons at until several days ago.

 

Taking a sip of the chamomile tea in his hand, he stared at the studio’s signboard forlornly for another two minutes before resuming his pace, heading to his new workplace ― the dreaded place called office.

 

 

---

 

005

 

“What do you think people who work in the office do?” Bomi asked one evening during dinner.

 

Hoya shoved a piece of meat into his mouth and gave her question a thought while chewing the meat. “I don’t know. Something related to computer and lots of papers, I think?”

 

“That sounds boring,” she scrunched up her face, making a disgusted look at the word boring that she stressed on. “Why do people even work there? Promise me you’ll never ever quit your current job for that boring office work,”

 

She held up her right hand and extended her pinky finger. He did the same and linked his finger around hers with a smile.

 

 

---

 

005b

 

He glowered at the blank computer screen, then at all the files stacking up on his table. His office table. He glanced at his new colleagues and their expressionless faces as they busied themselves typing away to their own computer. He scoffed at himself, picturing Bomi’s hysterical giggles if she learned about this, and wondering how the hell did he end up here.

 

 

---

 

006

 

“Bomi?” he called out.

 

It was quiet. And with quietness he knew that something was not right, no matter how much he prayed for the opposite deep inside.

 

“Bomi?”

 

And then he heard it, that similar sobbing sound muffled down by the shower. Only this time it was clearer. He kicked off his shoes and dropped everything he was holding as he ran off to the bathroom. Dammit, he thought. He was only gone for no more than an hour. He had hurried up outside to settle some bills and for few groceries while she was asleep. He was sure he would make it before she wakes up. He was so certain.

 

He found her in the same position as the last time ― curled up in the tub and completely drenched. Only this time she was shaking hard, so hard that he could see her trembling lips from afar. He hit the tap off and approached her carefully. “Bomi?” he called again.

 

She recoiled when his fingers came in contact with her skin and buried her head in her arms. Her shuddering worsened. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” she screeched.

 

“Bomi, it’s me. It’s just me,” he tried again.

 

“DON’T TOUCH ME! GO AWAY!”

 

He grabbed her arms and forced her to face him, but she avoided his eyes and looked away. “It’s just me. Bomi, it’s me. Hoya,”

 

“Hoya?”

 

“Yes, it’s Hoya,”

 

She opened her eyes slowly and met his gaze. Her expression softened and her shoulders dropped down, and so did her tears. “Hoya,” a tiny smile appeared on her dry lips. “I was so scared,”

 

He pulled her into his embrace and hugged her tightly. He didn’t care if he was hurting her, because either way she was already hurting. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

 

 

---

 

006b

 

He glowered at his computer screen which now was no longer blank. He stole another glance at his faceless colleagues and scoffed once again.

 

“Why people do boring office work, Bomi? Because it pays well,”

 

 

---

 

007

 

Her shrieks resounded in his ears, and her tears haunted him in his sleep.

 

He lived in fear. Fear of the past. Fear of the present. Fear of the future.

 

Fear of losing her. Fear of being lost.

 

Fear of being alone. Fear of being abandoned.

 

Fear of being left behind.

 

Fear of being forgotten.

 

But he told her none of them, for he feared that if he did, they would become reality. And reality was what he feared of the most.

 

 

---

 

007b

 

His new alarm clock rang, and just like the previous one he threw it to the door. Only this time it failed to stop and kept on ringing, deafening his ears. Groaning, he tossed the blanket away, rose from the bed and darted across the room towards the wardrobe.

 

Hoya took out all of Bomi’s shirts and pants and dresses and piled them up on the floor. Today, her stuff must go away. He must chuck out everything she left behind.

 

But as he stared the mass of Bomi’s old clothes and other trivial things later, he realized that there was something that he could never get rid of.

 

The memories of her.

 

 

---

 

008

 

It was red all over.

 

He saw red splattered on the walls around him. Red covering the small bathtub. Red flowing down the drain along with the running water.

 

Red, gushing out from her freshly cut wrist.

 

He would wake up then. Always at the same point, at the same sight. He would wake up and find himself gasping for breaths.

 

 

---

 

008b

 

His apartment was empty now, for he had thrown away everything that would remind him of her.

 

His apartment was empty, for everything reminded him of her.

 

 

---

 

009

 

“Are you okay?” she’d ask whenever he woke up from the same nightmare.

 

In reply, he’d force a smile and pretend that everything was fine. “Yes, I’m okay,” he’d lie.

 

She’d then crawl in closer to him, and he’d inhale the same scent of ylang ylang and coconut from her hazel hair. They’d fall asleep again like that. In each other’s embrace.

 

Everything was fine. At least that was what he wanted to believe in.

 

 

---

 

009b

 

Hoya studied his empty apartment and realized his biggest mistake.

 

The apartment itself reminded him of her.

 

 

---

 

010

 

It was blood all over again.

 

He saw blood splattered on the walls around him. Blood covering the small bathtub. Blood flowing down the drain along with the running water.

 

Red, red blood gushing out from her freshly cut wrist.

 

He woke up and found Bomi dozing off peacefully by his side.

 

 

#

 

He knew it was pointless, but he still wanted to believe in the slightest glimmer of hope that Bomi can be fixed.

 

He brought her for therapy in the hope that Bomi’s problem can be fixed. That somehow, her agraphobia can be fixed.

 

But it couldn’t.

 

 

---

 

010b

 

He stood in the balcony, the metal railing supporting his hands which were cupping a warm mug of hot cocoa while observing the movement of the world. It was the final sachet and he had used the final drop of milk to make the cup since he hadn’t bothered to restock the refrigerator and cabinets with groceries.

 

Summer had arrived now, bringing along the scorching sun and prickly heat. Gone was the cool chilly breeze of spring with flower petals dancing to its rhythm.

 

Spring was over. And so was the eternal spring in his winter heart.

 

Taking the final gulp of the drink, he glanced down and released the mug from his grip. He watched it flew from his hands, crashing to the ground and shattering to pieces.

 

Hoya wondered how it felt like to fall down there, head first.

 

---

poster by apiniteu