Everything starts with a dream.

---

It's 2 am in the morning.

LuHan sits at the cobblestone sidewalk of his neighborhood and stares up the stars. He can barely see them here, in the city. They're just faintly twinkling, obscured by dust and smoke and fog, and LuHan doesn't even wonder why everyone he sees are so lackluster.

Ordinary. Ordinary. Ordinary.

LuHan wants to be anything but.

He wants to sing. To travel. To Sing and dance on the stage, to be cheered on by fans, to be dazzled by so many lights.

He wants to be remembered.
-----

He sets off, after tearful goodbyes from his mother and silent acknowledgement from his father. He promises, again and again, to call.

He travels.

-----

He goes to other cities first, learning them by sight and smell and taste and sound. He sings as he walks through cement roads, until finally he stops, because the din of the city is deafening and he can barely hear his own voice.

-----

He leaves China.

-----

In Korea, there is nothing much that change; the cities are still loud and bright, with people in a hurry, chattering in fast, guttural syllables he can barely make out, as they go from one place to another.

He suddenly wonders what he's doing in a place like this; a place so alien and he suddenly yearns for home.

He steels himself. He knows dreams aren't achieved by playing safe; he knew it entailed making many sacrifices.

He goes looking for a job.

----

Slowly, he gets accustomed to Seoul. He saves money through his job and sends himself to school; he learns Korean, and learns how to be like one.

He keeps watching the television though, and in place of TVXQ and Big Bang, and Super Junior, he sees himself.

I'll make it, he vows.

-----

It is sudden, but he does.

One minute he is shopping with his friends, and next he is being pulled aside and asked, "Would you like to audition?"

With his heart feeling like its about to burst, LuHan answers with a clear "Yes."

---

In the company, there are many trainees like him. Here, there are people who can sing, dance, or act, and sometimes all three; trainees who also dreamt of stepping on that brightly lit stage.

Suddenly, LuHan doesn't feel all that special.

---

There's a routine that's quickly established. Wake up, eat, practice, practice,practice, eat, sleep. It never ends, so LuHan keeps singing until his throat bleeds; he keeps dancing and dancing until his feet feel like it’s about to shatter in a million pieces.

Everyday, he starts to feel a little hollower inside.

---

There are whispers and rumors that among the trainees, there's a favorite. It spreads like wildfire, and people say his name proudly, "JongIn, JongIn.", or bark out his stage name sharply, voice tinged with an edge of bitterness.

"Kai."

LuHan tests his name on his tongue, and when he feels shivers racing down his spine, he decides he feels jealousy.


---

When LuHan first sees JongIn, he is drawn like a moth to a flame; JongIn's---nonono, Kai, he corrects himself quickly, Kai's presence is commanding, movements smooth like butter, but with power running strong  in his limbs, like a predator.

He sees the way Kai's fingers beckon people to follow, to watch, to covet, sees every sharp flick of his head, every arch of his neck and back. He sees Kai's thighs flex, preparing for movement, and LuHan waits for Kai to spring back into the sky, where he belongs.

LuHan realizes he sees a star, and he wonders when his dreams had been so out of reach.

---

LuHan keeps watching and watching and watching, and he feels like the moon; drawing light from others when he cannot even muster up the strength to try. He sees Kai's passion and feels it race across his skin in brief rushes of euphoria, and in those moments he is alive.

---

When one day Kai suddenly stops dancing and lightly treads to where he is sitting, LuHan feels everything become surreal.

"I'm JongIn, but you can call me Kai." He’s not a star now; he is shy and awkward, biting his lip as he extends a hand. LuHan stares at it, suddenly unsure of what to do, when he is abruptly brought back to reality by the slight press of fingertips against his own.

LuHan gasps out his name so quickly he doubts JongIn even heard it, but he receives a slight upturned lip in reply.

"I know."

Their hands are still locked in their embrace and LuHan feels Kai's warmth seeping into his skin, his body. His grip is strong, sure, and when their hands begin their descent to their sides, LuHan feels his breath catch when JongIn's fingertip lingers a second too long on his palm.

----

LuHan doesn’t anymore hide the fact that he watches Kai dance, because he has this feeling that Kai already knows; sure enough, when LuHan finishes scrutinizing every dip and curve of Kai’s arms, he sees Kai staring back at him from the mirror in the dance room.

The music has stopped and LuHan hasn’t even noticed. He flushes.

JongIn walks over to where LuHan is. LuHan is petrified into place; because JongIn comes closer and closer, and LuHan doesn’t have the will to move away. LuHan feels the hair close to his ear ruffle when JongIn whispers,

“Join Me.”

So he does.

He lets the music twist and turn his body in ways he hasn’t achieved before, watches himself move because it’s suddenly fascinating; there’s a fire in his eyes he didn’t know existed.  There is strength behind every move, uncoiling with each sharp breath he took as the music reaches a crescendo.

He watches his body move, dressed in layers of black and white, and sees Kai beside him, behind him, in front of him, dancing with the same fervor he always had, and LuHan wildly thinks we’re beautiful, before the music fades out to a stop.

----

All the dance instructors applaud his sudden energy replacing his lethargic movements in dance practices, and they praise his techniques and movements, because they believe it has certainly improved.

----

They met repeatedly after that, because suddenly JongIn is everywhere LuHan is, and when they pass each other in the hallways JongIn would tilt his head and offer him a smile, a light touch on his wrist, or a brief press of his hand, warm and heavy, on the small of his back.
LuHan would flush and in retaliation, would drag his palm down Kai’s arm, over layers of clothing and finally meeting the skin of Kai’s inner elbow, letting it settle there for a few moments before lifting his hand away.

LuHan would walk away, smiling, even though his heart would thump wildly in his chest; and always, always, JongIn’s heavy lidded gaze would follow him, dousing him with heat even in his wake.

----

He lets JongIn drag him to places where he’s never been before, to amusement parks, to food stands, and even ramyun stands when the night settles, the time when the city becomes even more colorful and the people just flow into the streets, merry making into the wee hours of the morning.

They join the ranks, and spend many moments spontaneously breaking out in choreographies their bodies had ingrained into memory, and singing songs they practiced over and over again, to perfect their vocals. JongIn points out sights and places to him both memorable and sometimes so insignificant LuHan wonders why JongIn even says them, but he sees the wistful look in JongIn’s face and understands.

When the moments pass and JongIn is brought back to the present, LuHan squeezes his hand, and is gratified when he receives a smile in return.

JongIn laughs into his ear as the food is served to their table, and LuHan questions when Seoul started to feel like home.

----

Sometimes they’ll climb up at the rooftop of the company building and pretend to fly. Sometimes they just lie down on the cold concrete and stare up the stars.

Sometimes they settle on the floor of the studio, bone tired from practice. In the midst of catching their breaths, JongIn’s hand finds LuHan’s. LuHan holds on as tightly as he can.


----

Once, they sit on an outdoor bench, wrapped up in coats and scarves, curled up next to each other, sharing the heat, as the skies pelt them with snowflakes.

When JongIn turns to LuHan, a ready smile on his face, LuHan feels the world stop. 

He wonders just when his pillar of strength became JongIn's smile.

----

LuHan belts out notes powerfully, veins in his neck straining as he delivers the lyrics to his vocal instructor. His mentor nods in acknowledgement and approval, and when he's questioned how he got to sing the song with so much emotion, he just smiles.

----

When he's finally told he was going to debut, he feels elated, and just a tad confused.

You have made so much improvement,they tell him, patting his shoulder as they lead him to a room where his supposed group members are waiting for him. He only gets to nod once before he's ushered inside the room and the doors are shut behind him.

LuHan feels like drowning.

----

It wasn't so bad, he later thinks. The others were welcoming, or shy, or on cloud nine just like him, and he thinks it wouldn't be so bad if he made a mistake this early.

When he sees Kai in the line-up, his heart soars.

---

One by one, he learns their names and their personalities, and decides to keep them close in his heart.

---

He keeps JongIn even closer.

---

LuHan knows who JongIn is, who Kai is.  He sees Kai's smirk and JongIn's smile; Kai's swagger and JongIn's light, sure footsteps, Kai's confidence and JongIn's shyness.

He feels that they are as different as night and day.

But he sees the same drive for ambition, the same fire that gives their cadence their power, the same passion in their eyes that gets them through the day, and slowly, for him, Kai becomes JongIn and JongIn becomes Kai.

LuHan's chest feels unbearably tight as he realizes that his star has shone even brighter.

He runs his fingers on the paper thin skin beneath JongIn's tired eyes, trying to erase the smudges of black brought by fatigue. JongIn is silent, warm breaths lifting LuHan's wayward hair strands from his face.

When LuHan's hand reaches the cusp of JongIn's jaw, he freezes into place. 

When JongIn draws nearer, closing the space between them, LuHan closes his eyes.

He waits for his body to burn.

----

Later, when he's drifting between wakefulness and the dregs of sleep, he feels the brush of JongIn's lips against his eyelids, hands smoothing down the planes of his cheeks, until he feels a feather light pressure on his lips.

He pretends to sleep.

With a last flutter of JongIn's thumb on his lower lip, JongIn leaves.

He wonders why it took so long for him to realize that he's fallen for his star.

----

For a while, nothing changes. They settle into this dance of touching and not touching, teetering between chaste and amorous, wavering between just and almost there, but the illusion shatters when one day, Yixing pulls him aside and asks, in rapid Chinese:

"Is there something going on between you and Kai?"


LuHan stutters his way into silence, because he certainly does not know; but when he sees Kai's eyes following his figure, a half smile playing on his lips, LuHan finds that he's known the answer all along.

"Yes, there is."

LuHan leaves Yixing with his mouth hanging open, dumbfounded into silence.

He approaches Kai, who stands leisurely at the center of the room, unmindful of the others going about their own business, like he knows what's going to happen next.

He runs the pads of his fingertips from Kai's wrist, up towards his arm, over his shoulders, until he reaches Kai's hair. He lightly threads his fingers through the dark brown strands. JongIn smiles and his arms snake around LuHan, one hand playing at the skin of his lower back, the other pressing LuHan closer to his body, until LuHan could feel every hard line of JongIn's body against his.

LuHan grasps the back of JongIn's neck and drags him down for an open, filthy kiss.

----

They have time to sit down with the other members and talk; there, they explain their situation to the others, and they're met with varying degrees of amusement and shock.

"What?" Baekhyun exclaims, rushing up from where he was sitting and pointing accusingly at them, though he can't seem to decide where to point between the two of them, really.

"I thought you got together ages ago!"

Jongdae laughs.

Sehun just rolls his eyes, and says, "About time."

---

The studio is empty except for the two of them, the dance instructors having abandoned them to their own devices after practicing their teaser video.

They practice and practice and practice some more, striving hard to reach their own terms of perfection.

When they finally stop, adrenaline still courses in their veins.

JongIn grasp his shoulders and pull him to a bone crushing hug. LuHan happily burrows into his arms.

JongIn pulls away slightly and LuHan starts, about to ask him what's wrong, when JongIn kisses him quickly but passionately.

They don't pull away from their embrace. They stay together, waiting for the racing of their hearts to die down. And when it finally does, after a long while, JongIn gently kisses him.

He breathes "I love you." on LuHan's lips.

----

They watch the dawn break, painting the sky with fire that slowly wipe out the brilliance of the stars. 

LuHan reclines on JongIn as he tells him about his dreams. 

He says, "I want to be special."

JongIn wraps his arms around LuHan's body and brands the words You are on his shoulder where his shirt has slipped off, revealing smooth, pale skin.

LuHan leans his head back and stares into his eyes. Slowly, without breaking eye contact, he grabs one of JongIn's hands where it has settled on his stomach possessively, and presses a kiss on the center of his palm.

With his fingers, he traces "I love you" on JongIn's palm.

He extricates himself from their embrace and instead clambers into JongIn's lap, and reiterates his point on JongIn's lips, painting the letters with his thumb. When his handiwork is finished, he removes his finger and seals the promise with his lips.

---

They slowly get accustomed to the idea of being together, getting the freedom to touch and to hold without encumbrance, but sometimes even they have problems.

They scream at each other, destroying the sanctity of the morning when JongIn finds LuHan asleep with Yixing wrapped around him.

It was nothing really  LuHan had tried to explain, Yixing was just homesick, so he wanted someone who reminded him of China and all it stood up for.

But the time for explanations is long gone, and LuHan trails off into silence as JongIn leaves the room.

~

There is a tense, awkward silence in the dorm after that, and no one asks LuHan where the other is, when they normally do. They walk on eggshells around him, as if expecting him to suddenly blow up, but LuHan fades into morose silence and doesn't even look up.

~

JongIn is no better.

He locks himself inside the dance studio, and every time LuHan sees him he seems angry, tense, like a cat gearing up for a run; his movements are jerky as if there's no thought behind them. His dancing is angry, sharp, too sharp, LuHan thinks with dismay, like he’s furious with himself.

It looks painful, and hearing JongIn's labored breathing does not help either.

The music stops, but JongIn doesn't stop moving erratically, his shoes squeaking against the floor in the sudden silence.

Wordlessly, LuHan joins him, letting his body move smoothly, as fluidly as possible, countering JongIn's disorganized movements.

JongIn doesn't say a word, but slowly, ever so slowly, his movements become light and polished.

Almost in unison, they stop and grab each other almost painfully, uttering broken I miss yous and I'm sorrys.

There is no music, but LuHan feels it, thrumming in his veins.

----

They can't get enough of each other. This realization comes when JongIn , fresh from the shower is slammed against the wall, LuHan's mouth following a telltale drop of water from his throat and unto his hipbone where LuHan les a bruise into forming. 

JongIn groans.

Their mouths suddenly crash together, almost painful in their eagerness.  It's wild, and powerful like the beat of JongIn's heart, when LuHan has rested his hands on  JongIn's chest. He wonders how his hands got there, before that train of thought disappears when he feels the first flick of JongIn's tongue over his lower lip. There is that tentative touch of tongue, smooth and hot and wet, probing his mouth, before it meets his own. 

LuHan feels feverish.

Slowly, their tongues start curling around each other, and LuHan could feel the imprint of JongIn hands where they grasp his hips. 

LuHan presses even closer. 

----

It's so easy to fall deeper in love, LuHan realizes, when he wakes up in the morning with JongIn pressed to his back, like he could burrow himself in LuHan and live there forever.

LuHan rolls over and peppers JongIn with kisses, until he wakes up, and when JongIn's eyes finally open sleepily, LuHan whispers against his lips,

"Good morning."

---

They get called into the President's Office, and everyone begins to worry, wondering why they're being called in the first place. MinSeok cannot stop fidgeting; bouncing on the balls of his feet, and beside him ChanYeol bites his fingernails worriedly.

When they're finally summoned, JoonMyun and try to line them up, so they can enter in an orderly fashion, but KyungSoo flails around, so instead they enter in one big group, hustled against each other. 

It's hard, walking like this, LuHan thinks, but despite that, he doesn't let go.

~

They're told they're going to separate into two groups of six, and LuHan feels a rising trepidation as one by one, their names are announced.

LuHan hears his name being called into EXO-M. 

The noises around him get louder and louder until suddenly, the world becomes muted when he hears Kai being called into EXO-K.

---

Whyis the first thing that enters his mind. Wu Yi Fan glances at him worriedly while Tao and MinSeok drag a protesting Kai into the dorm. He’s screaming bloody murder, pleading with them to let him to, so that he can go back to the office and beg for a change in member set-up.

His cries are ignored.

SeHun comes into view and he shakes LuHan awake; but LuHan is unseeing and unfeeling.

He's numb.

Kai stops trying to fight his way out of Tao's and Minseok's shackles, and collapses into the ground, crying, utterances of not fair escaping his lips.

Kyungsoo grabs Kai by the arm and leads him into his bedroom. 

Everyone else is silent.

~

They try to invoke some sense of life into him. Sehun tries whining, Baekhyun tries to make him laugh; Tao tries to incite him into anger, but they all fail. 

LuHan's thoughts run in circles, but one name resonates in his mind.

JongIn.

He gets up from where the group has encircled him, as if they could, by sheer physicality, drive away all the horrors that could touch him.

He goes to JongIn, and everyone leaves them in peace.

~

LuHan runs his hand through JongIn's hair gently, waiting for his sobs to die down.

He tries singing, but his voice shakes in tandem with JongIn's sobs so he hums instead.

He goes through What is Love so many times before he hears,

JongIn's plaintive "LuHan."

LuHan's heart shatters.

~

LuHan doesn't want, want, want, but he tries to think of the options available for them and he's dismayed to think the safe option remains only one.

~

Later:

"It won't work."

He manages to get it out, tries to make himself believe it's the right thing and for a while, it does.

But his determination wavers when he sees JongIn's expression.

His face is shuttered, but hurt is still reflected in his eyes.

"Don't make this harder on me." LuHan says weakly, eyes starting to brim with tears. 

"We're not going to be happy like this! You can't keep waiting for me to come back from China. You'll find someone else…"

LuHan stammers out all the excuses he told himself, fine tuned in his brain, but when they come out of his mouth all he hears are garbled expressions, like he's speaking a language he doesn't even know.

JongIn looked like he understood what LuHan was saying though, because anguish joins the emotions written on his eyes.

"But I only want you."

~

By unspoken agreement they try to avoid each other at all costs, but it ends in disaster. They keep catching each other's eyes in the dorm, in the hallways, and it takes a gargantuan effort on LuHan's part to look away.

When they accidentally touch, LuHan recoils as if he's burned, and he is; when they touch, LuHan feels the spark, and he knows with finality that he's never not going to feel the same way about JongIn.

Strangely, the thought comforts him.

~

JongIn keeps touching him.

LuHan does not know if it's by accident or if he's just hypersensitive to his touch.

Either way, LuHan gets a thrill down his spine each time it happens.

He's not supposed to, now, but it doesn't change the fact that it does.

~

It goes on for days.

~

It’s so early in the morning, it could still pass off for night. All the members are asleep, except for LuHan, who thinks of so many things it makes sleep impossible for him.

LuHan thinks trying to sleep is futile, so he gets up instead and goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

When suddenly, he's enclosed in warmth and barricaded by a warm body against the counter, LuHan does not even turn.

He knows the feeling of being in JongIn's arms, because it feels like home.

Against him, LuHan could feel JongIn's rapid heartbeat, could smell the scent of his body, warm and familiar, and it makes LuHan's mouth water in sudden want.

They stay still.

JongIn noses his way down LuHan’s jaw, until he comes at the juncture where LuHan’s neck meets his shoulder. He nips at the skin, making a part of LuHan's neck a bright angry red; it's sensitive, and JongIn soothes it with his tongue.

LuHan can't help himself. He moans.

JongIn becomes aggressive, like the sound that LuHan made urges him on; he presses himself closer and LuHan pushes back unto him, their bodies recognizing a familiar rhythm. JongIn runs his hands on LuHan's chest, leaving little fires in their wake; LuHan grabs JongIn's hair roughly, and drags him for a kiss as vicious, trying to extinguish all the built up tension of days past.

It stokes the flames even brighter.

LuHan wrenches away with a gasp, wiping the smear of saliva that connects their lips with his hand. He turns around and faces JongIn, who looks debauched, with his lips swollen, red and glistening with their combined saliva. He’s dressed in a plain, white wife-beater and sweatpants, and LuHan could clearly see the outline of his body, hard and rigid.

LuHan feels himself tightening in response.

He palms JongIn through the fabric and JongIn’s face creases in pleasure, muscles in his neck straining with the effort to control himself.

When LuHan moves closer, he looks into his eyes. Lust clouds his eyes, but hurt still slivers through. It makes LuHan’s heart break, to see him like this; he looks gaunt and miserable, but at the same time fierce, ready to battle it out.

LuHan knows this is a battle he cannot win, so he lets JongIn back him against the counter until he could feel its cold surface at his back and JongIn settles in the curve of his body, body feverish with hunger.

LuHan laces their fingers together, aching for JongIn, and with each swipe of JongIn tongue against his own, he thinks,

Its not too late.

We'll make it work, somehow.

~

Later, when they lie in bed together, warm and sleep-heavy, JongIn asks, "Be with me?"

LuHan etches the word yes on the bow of JongIn's upper lip.

LuHan sleeps with a smile for the first time in days.

---

It's time for their showcase. Everyone is in high spirits, because this is what they've all been waiting for: a chance to shine on that big stage, to be plastered into history for ages to come.

LuHan feels a bit nostalgic, because it's not been long since he's dreamt about this; that one morning when he stared up the skies in Beijing and wished he were somewhere else he so could see the stars.

LuHan could hear the fans screaming for him.

It gives him goosebumps.

This is it.

~

They're given the cue to step into the stage, and LuHan feels the beginning of his dream take flight; it all starts here, he thinks, waving at the fans, a smile perpetually on his face. It's euphoric.

He sings, he dances. He hears the screams of his fans; he's almost blinded by the lights.

He's no longer ordinary.

---

He sees Kai looking at him across the stage. He's smiling, warmth seeping into his eyes, and despite the distance, LuHan could see the love shining in their depths, because he feels it, like he feels Kai's fingertips caressing his wrists, lingering on the crook of his elbow and rushing up to rest on his heart; like his lips are being massaged by kisses, punctuated with I love yous that Kai never tires to say and LuHan never tires to hear.

It's exhilarating, this feeling, like he's grown wings and he's taking flight; his heart beats in tandem with the music that pumps his feet into motion.

When Kai says "I love you," under the guide of dance as they come together, LuHan thinks,

I will be remembered, after all.