by Pistachio

Girls like bad boys. That’s what I’ve heard from countless number of people, but no, I don’t like bad boys. I definitely wouldn’t want a bad boy as my boyfriend. It would probably lead to heartbreaks and heartaches which I’m not going to be a victim of. Therefore, I’ve listed out the characteristics which I’ll look out for in a guy, the recipe to a long and lasting relationship.

My expectations aren’t high. As long as he is taller than me, not skinny like a stick, faithful, responsible, thoughtful and bubbly, he would make a perfect beau for me. He doesn’t even have to be good looking, and I don’t mind if he has no abs. Looks is just a plus, and a shoulder to lean on is enough for me.

I never know the difference between ‘like’ and ‘love’. Till now, I still don’t get it. One thing I know is that crushes will go away in time, but mine didn’t. It was supposed to be just a crush, an infatuation, a puppy love. It shouldn’t hurt me, not even in a tiny bit. Yet, he left my heart in pieces.

My eyes are small, and it doesn’t help that I hide them behind a pair of thick glasses, making them even smaller than what they already are. I don’t have small cherry lips unlike most girls, and my hair sticks out in every direction. I’m not pretty, I confess. I’ve long accepted that fact, and it’s what makes me me.

I’m not athletic so I joined the environmental awareness club in my school, together with Minjung. Minjung and I are opposites. She’s really sociable while I’m socially awkward. I followed her around, and I was practically her shadow. There wasn’t a time when I wasn’t with her. Even our seniors had trouble matching our faces to our names. Sometimes they would call me Minjung, and Minjung Sanghee. I don’t understand since our looks and personalities are nowhere similar.

When I first met him, it was due to our club activities. Our seniors had divided all the members into pairs or groups of three for different jobs, and I was coupled with him, Kwangho. I knew I wouldn’t work well with guys, much less someone whom I didn’t know and had never seen before. Minjung sensed my worry and uneasiness.

“Don’t worry,” she said, patting my shoulder. “I’ll request for a swap. We’ll go find Kwangho together.”

He seldom turned up for club activities so I never saw him before. Minjung didn’t know how he looks like either. In the end, we had to ask Seoyeon, one of our friendlier seniors, for help.

“Oh, Im Kwangho?” she asked. “He’s the one sitting in the middle of the bench over there,” she said and pointed towards a group of rowdy boys, “the one with the chubby cheeks and the red-framed glasses. He’s a tough nut to crack, really stubborn. I don’t think you girls will succeed in persuading him, but all the best anyway!”

We uttered our thanks to Seoyeon who went on to chat with her girl friends.

“We can do this,” Minjung said. She held onto my hand and took big strides towards the bench. “I’ll do the talking so don’t fret,” she whispered and gave my hand a tiny squeeze before letting it go. “Trust me,” she mouthed. We stopped in front of Kwangho. He was still talking loudly to his friends, oblivious to our presence.

“Hello.” It wasn’t until Minjung spoke that he finally lifted his head.

He squinted his eyes and asked, “Do I know you?”

“I’m Minjung and this is Sanghee.” She looked at him, hoping to see if my name rang a bell. “Choi Sanghee,” she continued.

“So?”

“She’s going to be your partner for this Friday.”

“I may not go on Friday,” Kwangho replied casually.

“Great!” Minjung smiled. “Since you aren’t going on Friday, I guess that makes me a group with Sanghee now.”

“Why?” he asked, raising one of his eyebrows.

“I’m here to request for a switch actually. You’ll be in my previous group, together with Jihye and Nayoung. Even if you don’t turn up on that day, they should be able to cope! Thank-you, and we’ll leave now. I’ll help you to inform –”

“Hold on,” he said. “I didn’t agree to the swap.”

We stared at each other then turned back to face him.

“But,” Minjung said. “You don’t want to go on Friday!”

“I said that I may not, not that I don’t want.”

I frowned, trying to comprehend what he meant exactly.

“You’re telling me now that you are not going to switch places with me?” Minjung raised her voice.

Kwangho smirked and nodded his head.

“You don’t even plan to go. Am I right?” Minjung was exasperated now.

“Bingo,” he said, clapping his hands together. “That doesn’t mean that I agree to swap.”

“You’re leaving Sanghee alone, to fend for herself when she’s still new?” Minjung’s anger reached new level.

“That’s her problem.” He looked at me for a brief period. “Now if you’ll excuse us?” He stood up with his group of friends, about to leave.

Minjung clenched her fists together. I could see that she was fuming mad. I shook her hand lightly.

“It’s alright. You tried your best,” I said. “Besides, I work better when I’m alone.”

“I’m sorry,” she said and looked down apologetically.

I shook my head and replied, “It’s okay, really.”

“But that Im Kwangho is really impossible!” She started her rant. “Don’t be too close to him; he’s a bastard.”

However, when Friday came, Kwangho showed up. He isn’t as irresponsible as I thought. We split up the workload, and each of us did our respective parts. We didn’t talk throughout the work.

“Hey, bastard!” Minjung said as soon as she dropped by to visit me. “Don’t you dare bully Sanghee!” She shot him a deathly glare before running over to me.

“You’re the one who’s bullying her!” he shouted, and Minjung stuck out her tongue.

“Really,” I said. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

“Come on!” Minjung nudged me.

I gave up and laughed, Minjung laughing along with me.

“If he bullies you, tell me,” she said loudly, deliberately for Kwangho to hear. “I’ll rush over immediately and save you.”

“Don’t think too much.” I laughed. “Run along now before Jihye and Nayoung start finding you.”

She took a last long look at me and spoke. “You’ll be fine alone, right?”

I nodded my head and waved her off. “I’ll see you after this!” I said, loud enough for her to hear. I heard a soft chuckle behind me. “What?” I asked.

“Your friend,” Kwangho said. “She’s interesting.”

I merely nodded my head, and our conversation came to a stop. We never talked after that day, and there wasn’t a need to too.

Our second conversation took place some months later. The seniors organised a confidence walk for us, hoping to bond us together and increase our confidence. We were split into groups of four, and my group consisted of Kwangho, Miyoung, Junhyuk and me.

“What is this confidence walk about?” I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.

“Haven’t you heard about it before?” Kwangho asked.

I shook my head and asked, “Is it scary?”

“Hell yes!” Kwangho shouted. “The seniors will dress up as ghosts, zombies etc. You name it!”

“What’s so scary about that? It’s just our seniors,” I said.

“You won’t know,” he replied. “Wait till you walk through the trail tonight.”

I couldn’t comprehend, but when night came, I finally understood what he meant. The air was still, and the whole school was enveloped in darkness. I shivered lightly. “I’m not scared,” I mumbled as I cuddled my knees.

We sat together in our groups. The seniors prepared a horror flick to kill time for the groups in the waiting room.

“Group 3,” the senior shouted.

I tensed up. It was our turn. All of us stood up and walked towards the exit.

“Remember,” the senior said. “Don’t ever look back, and don’t shine the torchlight out the windows or the ceilings!”

The reminders were making me more nervous than I already was.

“Now off you go!” The senior pushed us out the door.

I gulped, and the boys immediately shuffled behind us. Miyoung rolled her eyes and took the lead.

“Seriously,” Miyoung said, “you’re both big guys, and you’re going to cower behind us throughout this trail?”

The two of them nodded their heads. Miyoung sighed and continued walking. We had to stop by several places to carry out “missions” such as by going round the table for three times and to play the piano. The seniors with hideous make-up will then appear behind us when we least expected it. They will either start chasing after us or they will slam the doors shut, preventing us from leaving the dark room. Some even crawled on the floor and tried to grab our ankles. The howls of the wind didn’t make things better. We could hear the leaves rustling and eerie laughter occasionally, breaking the dead silence of the night. It was so scary that no voice came out when I tried to scream.

“Okay,” Kwangho said after a long time. “I’ve decided that I shan’t walk behind you girls anymore. I’ll be in front, and you all shall just follow behind me.”

“Really?” Miyoung gave an incredulous look.

“Yes, and here’s a plan. Whenever we’re nearing a corner, we’ll switch off our torches. Then we’ll walk quietly towards the corner, and we’ll jump out to scare the seniors instead of having them scare us!”

We agreed to the plan. When we turned around the next corner, we jumped out and screamed, but there was no one there. Instead, we saw a sign on the wall which read ‘Gather at classroom 1A, the ending point’.

“So much for your courage,” Miyoung said, her voice laced with sarcasm.

“At least it’s over, right?” I smiled a little, trying to ease the tension. “Come on, let’s just head back already.”

“Seriously,” Miyoung said, rolling her eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

The boys merely shrugged their shoulders and continued walking to the final destination.

“So, do you have Facebook?”

I turned around and pointed at myself, my eyes automatically widening.

“Yea, you,” Kwangho simply said.

I shook my head.

“You should create one then!”

“I’ll see,” I replied.

The next few days when I checked my email, I noticed several invitations. “Im Kwangho has invited you to join Facebook.” I was surprised, really. I didn’t create for I thought it was a hassle,and I probably wouldn’t use it often.

When I went to my cousin’s house to visit her one day, I found her playing games on the social networking site.

“You know,” Jisun, my cousin, said. “You should create an account and add me! Then we can list each other as family members.”

I shot her a quizzical look.

“It’s not that difficult to sign up anyway. Let’s do it here, now!”

She motioned for me to take the seat in front of her computer.

“Okay then,” I said and started filling up my particulars.

“Cool, I’m your first friend!”

I wasn’t planning to go on the site frequently so I decided to keep a low profile. I only added a few of my close friends and my family members. When I signed in again a week later, I had a friend request. I didn’t think that anybody would add me at all since no one knew that I had a Facebook account. Besides, I didn’t even put a photo of me as my profile picture. I was surprised,but I clicked the ‘Confirm’ button in the end.

“Sanghee and Im Kwangho are now friends.”

I don’t know what started it but soon, people started saying that I liked Kwangho. It wasn’t too bad since I could ignore the baseless rumours. They didn’t stop there,though. The mischievous ones would push me towards Kwangho at every single chance available. I can tolerate the rumours,but after all, I’m a girl. Although the girls would push me with all their might, I would try to hold myself in place and refuse to budge. The close distance between Kwangho and I would always make my face heat up uncontrollably and my heartbeat would increase tremendously. I couldn’t even look up to see Kwangho’s expression. I wonder if he heard my palpitating heartbeat then.

“Oh, your face is red!”

“Shut up!” I hissed.

I remember there was one day when I just had this feeling of sadness. The world seemed gloomy,and it felt like something or someone important to me was going to be taken away. I felt really down. I took a slow walk home when school ended. The constricting feeling in my chest was still there.

“Don’t let it die,” I said repeatedly. I had no idea what it was,but I was uneasy and jittery. I broke my chants when my phone vibrated.

Kwangho

Are you okay?

Sanghee

Why?

Kwangho

You look depressed today. Don’t worry. Whatever it is, it’ll be over soon! ^^

Sanghee

It’s nothing actually. Thanks anyway~ ^^

Kwangho

No problem! You can always tell me if you have any problems! :)

I stopped replying. I wondered how he knew that I was blue. Even my friends couldn’t see that,and I thought that I had deceived everyone with the mask I put on,but it turned out that I was wrong.

When I went back, I saw his Facebook status update in my news feed.

 “But you should know when it gets too cold, you’re not alone, I’ll melt the snow.” 

It was posted a few minutes after I’d stopped replying him, and it made me wonder if that post was meant for me. I found myself unconsciously going to his blog every day to check his updates,and I would stalk his Facebook profile page too. It was unlike the usual me, and I didn’t like it, not in one bit. It became an everyday routine for me, and I could remember his blog link and the title of his every single post by heart. I became scared of myself, too. I began to wonder how far I would go for this crush. It was supposed to go away.

Maybe he found out that I was stalking him, and it was creeping him out (At least it took him almost two years to find out although I liked almost all his Facebook statuses.). Eventually, I couldn’t find him on Facebook, and his blog was set to be private. At first, I thought that maybe he just deactivated his Facebook account, but Minjung was still friends with him. Finally, it dawned on me that he’d deleted me and blocked me. Angry and upset, I decided to give up on liking him.

It definitely wasn’t easy. We had the same lunch breaks, and I would see him in school and during our club activities (if he decided to turn up). I couldn’t help it but to peek at him, and I would even take second glances sometimes. Even though I’d seen him around on many occasions, I never brought up the question that was burning in my mind; I didn’t have the courage.

Why did you delete me from your life?

We couldn’t even hold proper conversations in the past so we would often SMS. Whenever we met each other in school, it would just be a simple smile or by the nodding of head. We couldn’t even exchange proper greetings. Yet, he started greeting each of my close friends.

“Hello, Minjung!”  “Hi, Jiyoon!” He would go.

He would greet them with a smile on his face, but he would always skip me. It felt like I was invisible, and he couldn’t see me. I could see him clearly, though. How he fooled and joked around with the others, oblivious to my presence. It hurt a lot. I was in so much pain, and he couldn’t see. Just when I thought I’d completely given up on him, he would show up and trample all over on my heart before returning it to me again. My heart that I bore for him, just like that, came back in many broken pieces. It was hell for me during that period, but I told myself not to cry and to stay strong.

Now that we’ve all graduated and gone separate places, I believe we won’t see each other again. He won’t want to see me, too.

“I don’t like girls with funny hair.” That was his last post which I got to see before he erased me. I guess I got rejected even before I confessed. Not every story ends with a happily ever after, and this ends the story of a guy who stole hearts and the girl without a heart.