by fujisyusuke-kun

My name is Min. Some of my friends call me Minnie or Min Ah because of my middle name, Ann.

This is my story. I wanted to share it with everyone.

There was a guy who was in the same school but a year older in both age and level.

Nam Woohyun. He was a good dancer. He's probably in line to be the leader of their group.

We were both part of the dance troupe. But he was in a different part of the team.
So, one day after practice we decided to go hang out. Me, Woohyun, and some other people. There were 6 of us, 2 girls and 4 boys. The boys were all the same age and year except the other one, who was 2 years older but the other girl we were with was already a college student and was like 6 years older.

When we were getting there  we walked to our destination. It was a small fast food restaurant. While the other 4 were walking in a straight line, I and Woohyun were next to each other, chatting and stuff. Then the others started teasing us about being sweet and saying 'we should give them alone time' and 'leave them alone' 
The other girl was an old leader. She just visits and teaches Woohyun's group some stuff she knows since she was assigned to that team back then.
Sungyeol was sitting next to me while another guy, that I don't like at all (he was so touchy and all) was sitting in front of me. 

Basically we were looking at something together while the other girl and Woohyun went to order our food. Then the guy in front of me said that me and Sungyeol look close and he suggested that we should kiss. Then Sungyeol joked around and pretended to get close and puckered. I don't know. I was stuck stiff. Then he pulled away.


The next day, my friend, who was in the same year but not in the same class (but she was also part of the dancing group), told me that Woohyun has a crush on me. I couldn't believe it since I kinda had a small-tiny-little crush on him too. But I told myself that just because he likes me I should like him back.
Days, weeks, months pass and we only texted each other. We don't see each other much around the hallways.
Sometimes he's joking and being sweet but I don't like it. I actually hate it so much I could just choke myself for always smiling when I read his 'sweet' texts.
Then many months pass by and I almost completely forget about him (We stopped texting too) since I found a new crush, Myungsoo. He was a basketball player in our school. He was okay but one day I decided to ask for his number despite the fact that he was 2 years older. Then he decided to start having interests in me. You know, like playing around with a younger girl who likes a guy, like that? Then I concentrated more on studies and training in the 'dancing group'.
Then I found out Myungsoo got a girlfriend and to make things worse, he chose a who was very much flirty and stuff. I thought to myself ‘They fit each other since they're both so flirty and y' and I didn't mind it since I forgot about him already.
Then, I don't know how or why but I started liking Woohyun again.
He was even asking about how we could be 'together' but not directly. Like using other words.

We were not allowed to date each other because dating within the dance troupe is not allowed.

I was happy and all but our fights (through cellphone) got worse.
He even said to a friend of mine that I was too short-tempered and that would be a problem if we got together.

I thought 'Yeah. I'll change. But not for you. For me. So that I'll be a better person. I thought you 'loved' me. But with just a small trait you were pushed back. How cowardly. That's not even worth being called 'love' that's only a crush, you idiot'

I knew that he was not worth it. I knew that yet I still cried everytime I thought about it. 

Then I confessed to him through text. I told him 'You know what, Nam Woohyun? I love you. I love you so much that every word you say mattered, every insult meant a scar. Everytime I see you through the hallways, my heart beats faster and I know I'm turning red, I know I can't breathe but I act cool and pass by. You're all I think about all day' But it was already late when I sent it to him. At that time, my friend, who told me about Woohyun having a crush on me, was sleeping over and we decided to watch horror movies    .

In the morning, I received a text from him. 

'Hey. I read your text.'

'So what now? First thing in the morning you read my text and now your day is ruined?'

'No. I was happy because I love you too'

I was kinda shocked too but I also had a feeling that I knew he liked me.

Its just that....

I felt really happy. I felt like I was glowing like really, really happy.

He then texted again.

'Hey are you free?'

'Why?'

'Let's go out'

'Where?'

....

'Just come here at my house'

'Who's there?'

'Me, my sister, and Chris'

'Where?'

'Ma******'

'Ok.'

Then I told Chris, my friend who stayed over, that I'll take a shower upstairs.

Then I left her at the living room.

I went through my clothes and chose I should wear and took a shower.

When I finished, I told Chris to take a bath too.

She asked which clothes is she going to wear then I started going through my clothes again to look for clothes for her.

I gave her the clothes that I chose then I checked my phone.

He seems to have replied already.

'Hey. I'll go there after I eat 'cause I haven't eaten yet'

'Hey. Where is your house?'

'I'm here at the gate'

'The guards are funny. What they're saying is just... I'll tell you later'

'Hey. Come out'

'Wait. Wait!! We have to wait for Chris'

Actually Chris was taking a bath but it was a good decision that I didn't tell him.

'Hey. I'm leaving'

'Don't!! Just a little more.'

'I'm leaving'

'Wait!'

'By the time Chris comes, I'll leave'

Finally Chris finishes her shower.

Then I texted him to come inside the driveway since we lived in a closed-in townhouse.

When he finally came, I was really shy.

He was wearing jeans and a black shirt.

While I was wearing a tank top, shorts, and a big polo which is for a guy.

It was quiet. If Chris wasn't here. She started playing with my drumsticks which were left in the living room.

She was sitting next to Woohyun while I sat at the couch.

I looked at the two of them and a million things just pass through my head.

What I couldn't believe was, later on we were next to each other and was comfortable in a weird position.

Both my feet were on top of his while I was playing with his phone.

Later on, the position became normal but we were locking arms.

I really was happy 'cause we finally know each others' feelings and it was mutual but..

I felt guilty. It was like I started something I couldn't handle. I can't take it.

The next day I was texting with him and said.

'Of course. Your girlfriend can't possible lose to you'

'So it's official?'

I regretted it at once. I hated the heavy feeling in my chest.

I couldn't be together with him.

We can't. First of all, it's not allowed and second of all, I... I really can't.

I was not ready. I wasn't prepared for it.

I felt pathetic since I was always thinking 

'I want a boyfriend. I want to hold hands and go out at amusement parks and malls'

But what I was actually thinking was

'I want a guy who I'll be bestfriends with. The type where we hit each other and tease each other but still love each other no matter what'

He wasn't the guy I was looking for.

And I don't think I can be with a guy who I'm not comfortable with.

I told him all about it then I stayed away from him as much as possible.

I knew I was being pathetic and stupid.

I knew I was making him hope for nothing.

I knew it all but all I cared about was myself.

I forgot about him but when I see him, when I hear his name, when I see his number on my phone.

All the memories we have just suddenly come up again and I remember every single thing, every single detail.

But I really hope he finds a better girl than me. I know I'll still get jealous when my friends would tell me..

'Hey Minnie!! Did you know, Woohyun and _____ are dating!'

I know I'd just act cool and shrug or nod but I still feel hurt inside.

It's my fault but it's not like I don't have feelings.

I'll still remember you, no matter what.

I guess... I still love you.