XI

Seunghyun couldn’t stay in the living room much longer with Youngbae practically breathing down his neck.

He sat in his chair, trying to maintain some sort of meaningless conversation, for only a short period of time after breakfast before closing his door on the outside world. On Youngbae’s vigilant eyes.

Jiyong had hidden his room too, hadn’t he?

For once, Seunghyun felt no shame.

          He sat on his bed idly for a few minutes, unsure, as usual, what to do with himself. His room was spotless, as one would expect from a man who has too much alone time on his hands.

          The figures he’d hidden in his closet were all stacked precisely, each back in their own boxes and lined up by sizes. The longer he looked at them, the more it bothered him that they were there. Hidden away. He couldn’t even look at most of them properly.

All but one.

The first toy he intended to return to its proper spot stood on top of the stack, free of casing. Seunghyun picked it up and turned it in his hands, careful to not move it from its pose.

          “What do you mean you’re not going to open it?” Jiyong had protested, snatching his present from Seunghyun’s hands. He ripped off the last strip of tape that still clung to the box before holding his gift in front of Seunghyun’s face and shaking it enticingly. “I didn’t get this for you so you could hide it!”

          “It’s in mint condition!” Seunghyun said simply, pushing Jiyong over. He’d been crouching next to him on the couch, eagerly watching Seunghyun’s reaction as he carefully, very carefully, peeled off the plaid wrapping paper. The squatting position wasn’t very stable and he fell back into the cushions.

          “So what? It’s not like you’re ever going to sell it,” Jiyong pouted, tossing the figure back.

          He caught it and cradled it in his hands. “I’m not going to sell it - but Ji – it’s a collectible, taking it out of its case ruins it –“

          Jiyong waved him off. “I don’t care. You can’t even see it properly like that!” He protested, propping himself back up and pointing. “Look, you can only see the front.”

          Seunghyun considered it for a second, turning the box in his hands to look at it from a different angle. “You’re right, but –“

          “But nothing, you are going to open it right now and put it on one of your shelves and you are going to likeit.”

          Seunghyun stuck his tongue in his cheek and chuckled, shaking his head in submission. “Fine, fine.” He turned the package in his hands a few times, looking for a place to attack the plastic. “God, who made these things so hard to open?”

          Jiyong’s knees pushed into the side of Seunghyun’s thigh as he leaned forward to investigate. “You can pull it apart there.”

          Seunghyun tried, but the plastic didn’t budge.

          Impatient, Jiyong took the package and attempted to pry it apart himself. His eyebrows furrowed as his elbows flexed with the effort. “Yah, that edge is sharp!” He examined his thumb, sure he’d been cut. No blood showed, but he continued glaring at the box. He returned the gift to Seunghyun and stood up, stepping carefully over the small congregation of crumpled wrapping paper on the floor to get to the kitchen. As soon as he was clear of the presents and potentially sharp objects on the floor he made a dash for the drawer that held the scissors, hopping over the back of the couch with them in his hands. “Here.”

          “Be careful, don’t –“

          Jiyong took the box one more time and paused for only a moment to aim before stabbing the scissors into the side.

          Seunghyun reached over his lap hurriedly and took his present back before Jiyong could do any more damage, pulling the severed plastic apart until the figure fell onto his lap. “Now what do you want me to do with it?” He moved its arms up and down, grinning despite himself.

          “Go put it on your shelf now! Go!” Jiyong pushed him until he stood up, hipping and hopping over the piles behind Seunghyun to watch him find a place for his special gift, beaming so widely that it must have been starting to hurt. He stood leaning against the doorway as Seunghyun evaluated his options.

          He dropped the new gift on his bed as he hefted his giant figure off of the mantel it was on and moved it to his armoire, replacing it with the small toy. It sat alone in the absolute center of the shelf.

          Jiyong stepped forward and moved the right arm up a few degrees. “Perfect.”

          It felt so right when Seunghyun carefully positioned the figure back where it belonged, so weirdly soothing for some reason, that he forgot about his misgivings of replacing every single one of Jiyong’s toys back to their proper places. He pulled the ones with boxes out of the closet, struggling to open them but hardly noticing as the sharp plastic hurt his hands.

***

          And then hours later lunch came, Jiyong went somewhere with Youngbae from what he heard, Daesung asked Seunghyun to go somewhere with him but he was exhausted so he found an excuse to decline, more hours later and it was dinner in which no one seemed to want to deal with cooking, and then all too soon it was time to sleep and Seunghyun realized he had managed yet another day of avoiding Jiyong.

          Maybe he’d meant to, maybe he hadn’t. He just had so many excuses to why he didn’t need to talk to him or why he couldn’t talk to him that the actual act of talking to Kwon Jiyong had become foreign.

          Another hour passed and Seunghyun was still awake.

          Another hour passed and Seunghyun was still awake.

          Another hour passed and Seunghyun was sitting up, saying what the hell and wasn’t everything fine last night and wishing he could just sleep because of how good it had felt to actually sleep. He pressed his palms into his eyes and pushed his bangs back, massaging his scalp for whatever it was worth to understand what his problem was and how sleeping, such a simple and normal human function, was so difficult.

          He had a theory.

          But it had to be ridiculous.

          …How could Jiyong’s presence or absence do that to him?

          He’d slept badly even when he was talking to Jiyong, even when they were still on normal terms, when his first headaches started.

          Now he didn’t sleep at all.

          Last night he’d slept… And last night he’d been with Jiyong, not talking, but with him.

          It was a stupid theory. But deep down, Seunghyun knew he was right. Jiyong was the tie, the single brightly-colored thread that pulled him through his knotted life. Without him he’d be caught in his own web, spun with ideas he’d conjured up in the dark. Without Jiyong’s light, Seunghyun would get lost.

          And lost was exactly what he was.

***

          Light found its way into the crack in the shades when the sun finally rose. It illuminated the redness of Seunghyun’s eyes and he flipped over, wide awake but empty of energy.

          Sure, he knew he needed to talk things out with Jiyong.

          Sure, he knew he couldn’t avoid it forever.

          But he didn’t know how.

          How he could possibly defend himself for his actions the past week.

          How he could possibly pull himself together in order to have a real conversation.

          How he could possibly act like everything was normal.

          But he needed to, he needed to, he needed to.

          It wasn’t laziness that was holding Seunghyun back. Maybe it was an aversion to unpleasant things, but that made no sense. Without Jiyong, his life was pointless. He’d admitted this to himself overnight. Without Jiyong, all he could think about was unpleasant things.

The unreasonable thoughts in Seunghyun’s head were fighting a hard battle, leaving all sorts of excuses as to why he couldn’t start with this approach or that approach.

          He was going to wing it.

          Whatever that could possibly mean for such a weighty situation.

          Youngbae had an early breakfast and was out the door long before Seunghyun got up.

          That’s another thing about TOP. He didn’t like being wrong. Talking to Jiyong was like submitting to Youngbae’s will. And however irrational those thoughts were, they resided inside Seunghyun’s brain as if with an adhesive - impossible to remove and completely and utterly stubborn.

          He rummaged for his own breakfast, keeping himself collected as Jiyong came in and sat down somewhere in the living room, the pages of his lyric notebook ruffling. Seunghyun had set himself on sitting down with him. Acknowledging his presence. Beginning to explain himself.

          But then Daesung and Seungri woke up and his plans were put on hold.

          The barstool wasn’t the most comfortable place to sit, but it’d have to do. The mostly one-sided conversation in the living room wasn’t appealing – Daesung didn’t seem to understand that Jiyong wanted to be left alone. Seunghyun could tell this instantly by just the tone of his voice and the snipped way he spoke. He had half a mind to waltz in and talk to Daesung himself just so Jiyong could have some quiet.

          Now Seunghyun wondered what Jiyong was writing in that precious notebook of his.

          Seungri slid across the hardwood floor in the kitchen, skidding to a stop in front of the refrigerator. He opened it briskly and found himself something to drink before turning back around and smiling cautiously at Seunghyun.

          “Hyung, do you want to come to lunch with me today?” He asked, completely innocent.

          Completely scripted.

          “I might be busy,” Seunghyun replied slowly, trying to think of any engagements that would give him an excuse to decline the offer.

          “You’re not.” The response was too quick, and Seungri knew it. He cleared his throat. “No, I don’t think you are. I just thought we should go out together, we haven’t really talked in a while.”

          Seunghyun nodded submissively. “Sure.”

          “Great!” Seungri smirked in a way that was almost encouraging, tilting his head at Seunghyun over the rim of his glass and scurrying off to pester Jiyong as well.

***

          The pair sat in the booth awkwardly. Both were starving, and their few pathetic attempts at conversation dwindled to silence within minutes. As they ate, there was an excuse for them not to exchange words. It was after his food was finished that Seungri must have been desperate for entertainment.

          “Did you fight with Youngbae?” He blurted, a complete change in topic from their previous bland discussion on flavors of bubble tea.

          “What? Why?” Seunghyun retorted, caught off guard.

          The waitress came and refilled their water glasses on a perfect cue, giving Seunghyun time to breathe, time to scrape up an adequate explanation for whatever Seungri wanted to ask. She might have been able to feel the tension between the gaze of the two men as she asked them if they’d like dessert, and if they were ready for the check.

          “No, we’re fine, thank you,” Seungri said normally, able to break away from his intent scrutiny of Seunghyun’s face to smile at her. She walked away. “I mean, he just –“ Seungri closed his fist on air, losing his thought. “Look. He’s been really worried about you and Jiyong.”

          “He shouldn’t – “

          “Real worried. I don’t know anything about what’s going on myself, I just know that he tells me to watch you and maybe try to get you out of your room. Like I’m the hyung, like you’re the ing maknae.”

          Seunghyun ducked his head, sinking into the cushions of the booth.

          “I don’t care what you do, alright? I just don’t want you to regret anything.” Seungri sighed, gulping at his water and diverting his attention to someone in the far corner of the restaurant.

          And that’s the last push.

A/N: another chapter totally just new scenes okay yes I got TOP realizing GD and his sleeping had the correlation and everything though FINALLY THAT IDIOT
But hey yes.